LAST JEDI WILL BE THE LAST STAR WARS MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announced today that Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi will be the last Star Wars movie.

The Last Jedi is to close the Star Wars saga, it was revealed today. All the other proposed Star Wars movies have been canceled.

Kathleen Kennedy, the producer in charge of the franchise, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the decision:

We just decided we were bored of doing them. At first we were all very excited but then after a while it was like Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Jeez enough already. I mean we’re a bunch of grown ups in a room talking about if Ziphius Fey is going to have to go to Booglyon 8 to get the weeBa Krystals.

Wow! They go to Booglyon 8!  

And then it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’re talking about a film every year. Maybe even more.

But what about the films that are already in production, or have even completed post-production like the Han Solo stand alone?

The Han Solo movie is a mess. Half of it is Lego and the rest of it is Far and Away. Tom Cruise turns up speaking in an Oirish accent – ‘What are all ye leetle fellows doin’, made of bricks an all?’ – It’s an embarrassment.

So that’s it. No more Star Wars. 

Yep. It was fun. But this way think of the next original idea that will come along and finally have some space to breathe.

Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi will be released in December.

 

J.J. ABRAMS ANNOUNCES TITLE OF STAR WARS IX

HOLLYWOOD –  J.J. Abrams takes over Star Wars Episode IX and announces the title.

Taking over from Colin Trevorrow, J.J. Abrams will direct Star Wars Episode IX. He also announced that the title will be: The Return of the Empire Striking Back Jedi. He also revealed some of the story:

Luke Skywalker Rey initiates a plan to rescue Han Solo Finn from the crime lord Jabba the Hutt Jr. with the help of Princess Leia, Lando Calrissian, Poe Dameron, Maz Kanata, Chewbacca, C-3PO, and R2-D2. Leia Maz infiltrates Jabba Jr’s palace on Tatooine, disguised as a bounty hunter, with Chewbacca as her prisoner. Leia Maz releases Han Finn from his carbonite prison, but she is captured and enslaved. Luke Rey arrives soon afterward, but is also captured after a tense standoff. After Luke survives his battle with Jabba Jr’s Rancor, Jabba Jr sentences him and Han to death by feeding them to the Sarlacc 2.0. Luke Rey frees himself and battles Jabba Jr’s guards. During the chaos, Leia Maz strangles Jabba Jr. to death, and Luke destroys Jabba Jr’s sail barge as the group escapes.

Wait, you haven’t mentioned Luke Skywalker!?

Why would I? He died in Episode 8 dummy.

What?

I mean, spoiler.

The Return of the Empire Striking Back Jedi will be released in 2020.

RON HOWARD CALLED IN TO DIRECT THE LAST JEDI

HOLLYWOOD – Ron Howard replaces Rian Johnson on Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi.

Han Solo director Ron Howard has taken over from Rian Johnson as the director of the eighth instalment of the Star Wars series, The Last Jedi. The decision came down late last night and hit the internets early this morning. Howard spoke to the Studio Exec immediately:

I was talking with Kathleen about the process and how Rian was doing. They were really happy and everything seemed honky tonky, but I could tell they were nervous. So I said why don’t I take over. They tried to hide their delight. They told me the film was practically finished and there was just the soundtrack and the titles to add, but I knew what they meant. So late last night I snuck into the editing booth and changed the card to ‘Directed by Ron Howard’. I know they’ll be over the moon.

Howard already took over from Chris Miller and Philip Lord – the Lego Movie and Jump Street 22 directors – to complete the Han Solo project. He is also talking about taking over Blade Runner 2049 as well as releasing a Director’s Cut of Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk.

‘I’m going to change the music and add my name at the end,’ he told the Exec. ‘I didn’t realize that it could be so easy. But now I don’t know if I’ll ever bother to do a whole film again.’

Rian Johnson, however, insists that he’s still the film’s director.

We did find Howard’s name at the end of a rough cut and he occasionally sneaked onto the set and shouted ‘Action!’ or ‘Cut!’ I thought it was just a joke.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi will be released in December, 2017

JAR JAR BINKS TO BE DIGITALLY RECONSTRUCTED FOR THE LAST JEDI

HOLLYWOOD – Jar Jar Binks digitally inserted into The Last Jedi footage.

Disney execs finally got a look at the some early footage from Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi. And they got a surprise. An anonymous source – Pete Javelin – spoke with the Studio Exec:

We were all psyched and Luke Skywalker looks great. But then Jar Jar Binks turns up. It’s exactly like the moment the Millennium Falcon showed up in the trailer for the Force Awakens. The whole room just burst into screams, shrieks, yelling of ‘OH GOD NO!’ and stuff like that.

The news shocked the Star Wars world as Jar Jar Binks actor Elmo Pedentic died in 2006 from complications, shortly after appearing in Revenge of the Sith. However, it has been long rumored that using the magic of CGI, director Rian Johnson wanted to resurrect Binks.

Pete Javelin, I mean someone, explained:

They’ve used an actor to stand in for Elmo and then have digitally reconstructed Elmo’s face with computers. I think he looks really close. A hell of a lot better than Grand Moff Tarkin in Rogue One.  It’s seamless.

Fans however are divided, with some saying that it is disrespectful to actor Pedentic. On a typical blog post one Binker wrote:

Pedentic IS jar Jar Binks. Assholes.

The Last Jedi will be released in December, 2017.

 

STAR WARS EPISODE 8: TITLE REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson’s Star Wars Episode 8 has a title the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens has only just opened internationally but already Kathleen Kennedy is prepping Star Wars: Episode 8 and she popped into the Studio Exec Falcon to speak about the new installment.

You are already working on Episode 8, is that right?

Absolutely. This is going to be a crazy year. Genuinely non-stop. My husband was producing Jurassic World and I was doing The Force Awakens but at the same time we’re getting ready to start with Episode 8 in January of 2016.

Unbelievable. And you already have the story?

Yes. The story has already been worked out. In fact we’ve got the story right up until Episode 9 worked out. Not the details and the scripts are not locked but we know where we’re going and most of the beats.

Tell us more.

No can do Exec. You know many people haven’t seen Episode 7, so if I told you anything about Episode 8 that would give away spoilers and I don’t want to do that.

You must be able to give us something.

Well, I suppose I could tell you the title we’re working on at the moment.

Great.

The idea is that the next Episode will continue directly on from Episode 7 and so we had the idea that the title should reflect that continuity.

And so…

Star Wars: Episode 8: The Force Has Breakfast.

The Force has Breakfast?

Yeah. You see we thought, if I was the force what would I do one I woke up. Rian said ‘I always have breakfast straight after I’ve woken up’. And so we went with that.

Right.

Of course it wasn’t the only option. But it was the best.

What were the alternatives?

Apparently Lawrence Kasdan has a sh*t as soon as he wakes up. And J.J. Abrams flosses. But they just didn’t scan.

Star Wars: Episode 8: The Force Has Breakfast will be released in 2017.