JJ ABRAMS PROJECT MANAGEMENT LAUNCHES

Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.

 

JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?

First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.

 

So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?

Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.

 

So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?

Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?

 

Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?

Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?

 

Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?

Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.

 

But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.

That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?

The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.

JJ ABRAMS REVEALS STAR WARS EPISODE 9 WILL HAVE ALTERNATE TIME LINE

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams today revealed that the next episode of Star Wars – Episode 9 – will tak eplace in an alternate timeline.

Following the success of The Force Awakens, JJ Abrams returns to direct episode 9 of Star Wars. Today Abrams dropped round to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his ideas for the film:

I watched The Last Jedi and I loved what Rian did. But I won’t lie: it kinda knocked what i wanted to do into a cocked hat. I’d written a whole script assuming that I’d have some characters who died. And there were also some questions that I was thinking of in a different way. For the past months I’d tried to work out how to make my and Rian’s vision coincide. Then I watched Star Trek on TV, the movie I made and it clocked. Alternate timelines. My movie will start off exactly where Rian’s begins but a time bomb will go off shattering the Star Trek universe into two. I’m only sad I can’t get Leonard Nimoy to come in at the beginning and explain everything to the audience.

Can you tell us anything else?

I’m afraid that an iconic space vessel is going to explode.

Not the Millennium Falcon!?

What? No! The Starship Enterprise.

The news was greeted with relief by some fans and consternation by others. A clearly fatigued Mark Hamill commented: ‘Whatever’.

Star Wars: Episode 9 There Are Actually Other Jedis will be released in 2019.

QUENTIN TARANTINO CASTS SAMUEL L. JACKSON IN NEW STAR TREK MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Samuel L. Jackson joins Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie.

News is coming thick and fast about Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie. First he pitches the idea to Paramount and JJ Abrams. Now it looks like his cast is already firming up with Samuel L. Jackson beaming himself up. Quentin came over to the Studio Exec bungalow keen to chat EXCLUSIVELY to the team.

We’re so stoked about this project. Usually I make my own films up utterly. I mean everything. The plot, the characters, the shots, well not the shots, and some of the lines I take from other movies, and the plots and the characters. But other than that totally original. This will be the first time I enter a pre-existing franchise.

So what’s the idea?

Ah, you know me Exec. I ain’t gonna just spill the beans on this one. Usually that’s Michael Madsen’s job. Ha ha! No, but seriously I am a huge Star Trek fan. I woke up one morning and the idea was there. Boom. So I scribbled it down in the bright green crayon I use for my best ideas. And I was on the phone to Harvey. Shit. I mean I was on the phone to J.J. Abrams and he was as excited as I was. We got into so much that instead of saying goodbye I told him ‘May the Force Be with You’.

Because he’s making the Star Wars film.

What? Yeah, I guess. NO, we’re talking Star Trek now.

And Samuel L. Jackson?

He’s key. There’s going to be a reference to one of his earlier movies. In fact that’s where I got the idea from.

Tribbles on a Star Ship will be released in 2019.

LAST JEDI WILL FEATURE TRIBBLES

HOLLYWOOD – Reports claim Star Wars: Episode 8: The Last Jedi to feature Tribbles.

An old Star Wars favorite the Tribbles are to make a return to the new Rian Johnson film: Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi.

The film stars Mark Hamill, Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Carrie Fisher and Adam Driver.

A source close to the production told the Studio Exec:

Early in the production Rian introduced the idea of the Tribbles. It was something that JJ Abrams suggested, but Rian agreed completely. Initially, they were going to just have a small role, but they kinda multiplied if you know what I mean. Now they’ve become the  dominant character. I don’t want to give too much away but there’s about five minutes of the film which is about Luke Skywalker and Rey. And the rest of it is Tribbles all the way through.

Is Chewbacca a kind of Tribble?

No. But the Tribbles worship him as a God.

Like in Return of the Jedi.

There weren’t any Tribbles in Return of the Jedi.

Right. Wait, aren’t Tribbles like a Star Trek thing?

Star Trek… Star Wars, what’s the difference?

Star Wars The Last Jedi will be released in December.

JJ ABRAMS TO REMAKE JAPAN

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams is to remake Japan, the country.

Star Trek, Force Awakens and Lost director JJ Abrams announced his project to remake the country of Japan.

It is going to be phenomenal. We’re going to take the whole country and repopulate it with Emma Stone, Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum.

The news came soon after the announcement of Abrams’ other project: a live action remake of Anime Your Name. With concerns about white washing Asian characters still very much alive the Studio Exec asked Abrams how he would address concerns:

Oh yeah. We’ve thought about that. You see Japan as it exists today is full of Asian people because of where it is. But we’re going to remake it just off the coast of San Francisco and so that problem just goes away. The story of Japan is just so universal. We don’t need to worry about this or that cultural norm because isn’t everything really about white people anyway?

Japan will be available in the Pacific Ocean from January.

STAR TREK SUE SETH MACFARLANE

HOLLYWOOD – Star Trek is suing Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane.

Stardate: RIP OFF! Seth MacFarlane has boldly gone where Star Trek went before and is now being sued for plagiarism. We spoke to the captain of the Enterprise Orville about the accusations:

This is ludicrous and frankly a little disappointing. I’ve made no mystery of my love of Star Trek and how I wanted to bring the same optimism to The Orville that I felt when I watched the original series. I wanted to make it an affectionate parody. I set my phasers for stun.

But it isn’t funny.

No. Of course not. Parody would be too easy. Yeah, I made it not funny on purpose.

I heard that Galaxy Quest would have sued.

Beam me up Scotty.

Why didn’t you just get involved in one of the many, many Star Trek properties?

I wanted to make something original.

But it isn’t… ow! What’s that?

Vulcan death grip.

The Orville is on Fox.

 

 

WILLIAM SHATNER TO DIRECT WRATH OF KHAN 2

HOLLYWOOD – William Shatner signs on to direct Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan 2.

William Shatner is going to direct a sequel to his 1982 hit The Wrath of Khan. He spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the new film:

The first film was such a blast and everyone enjoyed it. I thought let’s do it again. These characters interest me. Captain Kirk interests me. I want to explore him. I want to see what happens next. And did Khan really die? I know Riccardo Montalban will be keen. I’ve called him a few times, but you know Riccardo. Always out and about.

How will the film fit in with the rest of the Star Trek universe?

I don’t understand the question.

Well, the different TV series, the JJ Abrams films.

I. Am. Not. familiar with. Those works.

What about the other films you did?

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Star Trek The Wrath of Khan 2 will be released in 2018.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT STAR TREK

HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Star Trek Beyond, the Studio Exec FACT Squad has hit warp speed five and teleported to the planet’s surface dressed in red shirts.

To Boldly Go FACT CHECK where no man has gone before! The Studio Exec FACT Squad searches for the Tribbles of Truth.

1. Star Trek was created in 1964 by Gene Roddenberry who wrote a treatment for NBC executives, describing it as ‘similar to Star Wars, but about twelve years before Star Wars will be made.’ Understandably, no one knew what Gene was smoking but the show got green-lit anyway. JJ Abrams ironically used exactly the same pitch when he went for the job of directing the reboot in 2009.

2. Star Trek was one of the first multiracial casts on network television. With Klingons, Romulans, Vulcans and Humans frequently sharing the same screen. Previously each race had been given their own separate shows such as The Krazy Klingons Laugh In and Honey, Where’s My Pon Farr?

3. Everyone in Star Fleet is issued with a light sabre, but no one uses it, because they forget it’s there.

4. Originally Captain Kirk was played by Leonard Nimoy, but Roddenberry agreed for Nimoy and Canadian scuba diver William Shatner to swap roles when Nimoy had to go to the dentist to have caps fitted. Fortunately, Nimoy’s pointy ears were to become a trade mark part of his character Mr. Spock. Later Nimoy exploited his Star Trek fame to write a book about child rearing which was hugely influential, instructing parents to leave their children with wolves ‘as often as is humanly possible.’

5. The actual spaceship in Star Trek – the USS Enterprise – is actually a model and is unable fly in space or achieve warp drive. It is so small that not even one person could fit in it, let alone a crew of hundreds. It’s shit. It really is. Very disappointing.

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

‘SULU BEING GAY UNREALISTIC’ SAYS MAN DRESSED AS KLINGON

HOLLYWOOD – Man dressed as a Klingon has complained that Sulu being gay ruins the otherwise impeachable realism of his favorite space opera.

Jason Bilks of Little Rock, Arkansas said that the decision to make Sulu gay has ruined the realism of Star Trek. Standing in his living room which he painstakingly redecorated to look like the helm of Klingon Bird of Prey, Mr. Bilks was adamant that his objection was not based on prejudice:

I have nothing against homosexuals of any kind. That has nothing to do with the idea that Sulu being gay is wrong for Star Trek. It’s because there’s no detailed character arc. If he had been gay in the first film and they had set it up, it would have made sense, but it just isn’t realistic that someone suddenly says they’re gay after not coming out with it in the first few films. It’s so out of the blue.

But there was no suggestion that he was actually heterosexual int he first films. He could have been gay all along.

It just doesn’t make any sense. And I’m talking about it being realistic from a character point of view. It’s silly. The spaceships and the universe, the gadgets, the teleporters and what not and the aliens, all of those things are so credibly realized and so consistent, and then suddenly the guy who drives the Starship Enterprise turns out to be gay!? No, no, no, NO!

Star Trek Beyond is in theaters.

STAR TREK BEYOND DIRECTOR: ‘TRIBBLES ARE GAY’

HOLLYWOOD – Star Trek Beyond director insists that Tribbles are gay.

Following the announcement that Sulu is gay, Justin Lin, the director of Star Trek Beyond, has revealed that another Star Trek favorite, the Tribbles, are also gay.

It’s one of those things that we talked about from the very beginning. Let’s open up about the sexuality of all the elements of the Star Trek universe. Sulu seemed obviously gay to us, Scotty is bi-sexual, Kirk is definitely Bi. I mean he’s basically pan-sexual. And of course the Tribbles are very gay.

George Takei once more responded negatively to the news:

I’m the only gay in the village.

Simon Pegg and William Shatner however welcomed the news as a positive development. Shatner told the Studio Exec:

I love what they’re doing with the universe. They’re bringing it up to date in a way that is admirable. After all the future can’t be more old fashioned than the present. Chris Pine for instance looks old fashioned to me. I like the kid, but he isn’t ‘with it’ as the kids say. Maybe it’s be better if TJ Hooker took over. I don’t know. It’s not my place to say.

Simon Pegg told the Studio Exec that Tribbles were a perfect example of LGBT rights.

They’re in a single sex relationship but they have complete equality, including reproduction rights.

Star Trek Beyond is in theaters.

STARSHIP ENTERPRISE DESTROYED AGAIN: ‘SAFETY ISSUES’

HOLLYWOOD – The USS Enterprise NCC-1701 has been destroyed again, Star Fleet revealed today.

The space ship the USS Enterprise has once more been destroyed. The deep space exploration vessel has been destroyed several times in the past, but has always been rebuilt and refitted. Usually commanded by Captain Kirk it was initially commanded by Captain Pike and Captain Spock had a short stint as a commander before then Admiral Kirk took over and destroyed the ship again. Captain Jean-Luc Picard had been the last captain to destroy the ship until the arrival of a new Captain Kirk who quickly got on with the job of destroying the Starship Enterprise.

A spokesperson for Star Fleet spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact that this space ship keeps getting destroyed is an area of concern for us. There have to be serious safety issues. We’ve had this before. We did a statistical analysis and we found a surprisingly high casualty rate among any crew member who wore a red shirt. We changed all the shirts to mauve and the numbers changed accordingly. Maybe we should think about renaming the Enterprise. After all, it’s not the f*cking Death Star.

The Starship Enterprise can be seen blowing up in Star Trek Beyond.

PATRICK STEWART DISOWNS DAUGHTER, KRISTEN STEWART

 LONDON – A furious and obviously upset Patrick Stewart today disowned his daughter Kristen Stewart, following her scandalous behavior.

“She is not my daughter,” he said, emphatically and harshly; if understandably.

Everyone on the planet has been united in disgust at the slatternly behavior the Kristen Stewart used in tempting Rupert Sanders, who is but flesh and blood – away from the holy sanctity of marital bliss. Now her father Patrick Stewart has added his voice of condemnation. We caught Xavier Picard (as he prefers to be known) coming out of the Dury Lane theater and asked him for his opinion on his daughter’s behavior, “You mean Sophia, what about Sophia?”

“No, we mean Kristen Stewart?”

“She’s not my daughter!” he said, the fateful words that rang like a knell on the filial relationship. He laughed, probably to hide the pain. “Where on Earth did you get that notion?”

“So you are publicly disowning her?”

“She’s not my daughter,” Stewart said, hiding the tears. “We just have the same surname. It’s quite a common surname.”

But we continued to question him about how disgusted he must have felt about the news until he got quite angry and shouted, “She is not my daughter!” before jumping into a famous London black taxi and fleeing the scene of his public agony.

Twilight: the Next Generation is due out in 2017.

BRYAN CRANSTON TO PLAY SPOCK IN NEW STAR TREK

HOLLYWOOD – CBS have announced that the new Star Trek will feature Bryan Cranston as Spock in the reboot of Star Trek due out in 2017.

Although the new Stark Trek is to feature new characters, it has been confirmed that an exception will be made for everyone’s favorite Vulcan, Mr. Spock and he will be played by everyone’s favorite meth cook Bryan Cranston. Studio Exec has managed courtesy of The Pixel Factor to obtain a short screen test that was completed on the CBS lot.

It clearly shows Bryan Cranston’s amazing transformation into Mr. Spock, a doppelganger of the late Leonard Nimoy.

spock-heisenberg-460

Star Trek: Into the Tribbles will be released in 2017.

NEW STAR TREK TO FOCUS ON TRIBBLES

HOLLYWOOD – CBS announced today that the reboot of Star Trek will focus entirely on Tribbles.

The news that Star Trek is to boldly go where it’s already been was received with delight by the internet and the Studio Exec was able to sit down with Alex Kurtzman to discuss the project.

So Alex what can you tell us about the new series?

It will be out in the Fall of 2017 and it will feature totally new characters and worlds, but the main characters will all be Tribbles.

These are the little furry things?

Yeah, exactly. They’re basically a metaphor for Catholics in that they just reproduce all the time with no sense of restraint or contraception. But now time has passed and the Tribbles have reached a higher consciousness and they can communicate and this is going to be like House of Cards, full of intrigue and dirty strange sex.

Wow! Who is going to play the Tribbles?

We have Jack Black as the leader of the Tribbles, James Franco and Winona Ryder both want to be Tribbles as well, and Benicio Del Toro wants to be a Klingon, and then we’re in talks to land Bryan Cranston as everyone’s favorite Vulcan. He’s the one character we want to bring back.

Star Trek: Into Tribbles will be broadcast in the Fall of 2017.