JJ ABRAMS PROJECT MANAGEMENT LAUNCHES

Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.

 

JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?

First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.

 

So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?

Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.

 

So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?

Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?

 

Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?

Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?

 

Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?

Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.

 

But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.

That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?

The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – He’s Alan Turing in The Imitation Game and Smaug in The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, but who is Benedict Cumberbatch really?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to England to collect the Benedict Cumber-FACTS.

1. Although exotic to American ears, in England, from whence Benedict Cumberbatch hails, the name Benedict Cumberbatch is the second most common name in the British Isles, beaten only by Engelbert Humperdink, ironically enough the stage name of Benedict Cumberbatch’s father.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch’s appearance in Star Trek Into Darkness was marked by tragedy. The reveal that he was in fact Khan was such a surprise for audiences that five hundred and seventeen people died of the subsequent heart attacks during screenings. The surprise was so strong that after the first five days J.J. Abrams decided to publicize ‘the best kept secret in Hollywood’ to avoid further deaths.

3. Robert Downey Jr. and Eddie Redmayne were both named in copyright cases brought against them by Benedict Cumberbatch claiming they had copied his work. Redmayne appeared as Stephen Hawking in the Theory of Everything, which Cumberbatch’s legal team claimed was a direct copy of Cumberbatch’s work in the BBC drama Hawking. Likewise Downey Jr. was accused of copying Cumberbatch’s work as Sherlock Holmes. Both cases were thrown out and Judge Norfolk reprimanded Cumberbatch for being ‘frivolous, though dreamy’.

4. In all of Cumberbatch’s film roles, the actor refuses to wear socks. The one exception to this was his turn in The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug in which if one looks carefully you can see that the gold hoarding dragon is wearing a pair of silk tartan socks.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch recently got married to the beautiful Sophie Hunter, an actor and theater director. Many hope this will bring to an end his tenure as the leader of the Hollywood based English actors’ club, the Jolly Bastards. The infamous group has been responsible for a whole series of crimes including swan sacrifice and old lady taunting. However, it was recently reported by den mother Emilia Clarke, that Sophie Hunter will also be joining the club and the horrors will continue.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

CHRIS PINE DEEPLY REGRETS

HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pine deeply regrets not getting Jack Ryan’s latest iteration in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit right, but what else does Chris Pine deeply regret.

Chris Pine deeply regrets…

telling Steven Spielberg what he really thought of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

investing his savings in flatulenthousewives.com

starring in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit by the director of Thor, Kenneth Branagh

what he did to your mother’s first cousin when he was drunk on mescal last April

going to the cinema with Pee Wee Herman

that he had a surname which was low hanging fruit for film critics reaching for a pun to describe his acting skills

being in Star Trek: Into the Darkness and not Star Wars: The Force Awakens

eating the mushroom and chives omelette with a side salad when he wanted a steak and fries

meeting William Shatner, getting drunk with William Shatner, getting that tattoo with William Shatner, of William Shatner

asking Meryl Streep if a dingo had really eaten her baby

buying a gym membership that he never intends to use

taking a sneaky leak in in William Friedkin’s Jacuzzi and then realizing there was some kind of dye that was activated by urine

This Means War

This Means War

This Means War

This Means War

STAR TREK NEWS: WILLIAM SHATNER TAKES OVER FROM CHRIS PINE

HOLLYWOOD – In a dramatic turn of events, William Shatner has taken over from Chris Pine in the forthcoming big screen JJJ Abrams’ extravaganza Star Trek into Darkness.

The replacement came when the new Captain Kirk hurt his hand when he accidentally opened his trailer door and cut his palm and several fingers on some fish hooks that had been accidentally glued (no one knows why) to the handle.

Abrams explained:

I think perhaps Chris was a bit dazzled by all the torches I’d been shining into his fact, but luckily Bill was on hand to take over. Oh, wait…On hand! You see what I did there? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! On hand! Genius. 

Shatner explained he was only too happy to be of help:

We’ll CGI my head on to some of the scenes, but otherwise it’ll be the 100% Canadian bacon that is William Shatner.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and wash my hands. Has anyone got any turpentine?

Star Trek into Darkness will now be released much later, probably two or three years or something.

STAR TREK 2: NEW TITLE AND PLOT DETAILS REVEALED

 HOLLYWOOD – News about the latest in the Star Trek franchise as Star Trek 2 gets a new title and synopsis.

‘First of all we’re not calling it Star Trek 2,’ said Abrams, throwing back a bottle of Cointreau. ‘It’s called Star Trek Into Darkness with Tribbles.’Fans have waited with baited breath for the follow up to J.J.J. Abrams’ wonderful 2009 Star Trek reboot, but only Studio Exec can reveal plot details after obtaining an exclusive interview with the vivacious bespectacled Super (8) geek himself.

Tribbles! That’s the best news since the test results came back!

‘We wanted a really iconic villain,’ says Abrams. ‘We have a great actor in Benedict Cumberbund…’
‘Cumberbatch,’ I interject.

‘Yeah. Whatever. And we thought lets bring back the tribbles. So we use motion capture and he plays them all basically. You should see him rolling around on the floor covered in balls. What an ass!’

 The Tribbles news will send lashings of orgasmic fluid from Trekkies everywhere, drenching passers by. The small furry aliens featured in a much loved episode of the original series first broadcast in December, 1969. William Shatner’s Kirk was bemused by the  little beasts, that threatened the safety of the Enterprise by basically reproducing too much. The goatish Kirk couldn’t help a smirk of frank admiration.

By now Adams was wringing the empty bottle of Cointreau to get out the last drops.

‘We thought what worked most about the first one was the humor and the Tribbles are really funny. I mean come on, look at them,’ Abrams points at the dailies and we have a moment of forced laughter. Abrams finds another bottle of  Cointreau and bites through the glass of the bottle to get through to the orangey liqueur  ‘Of course Zachery’s gone off and made Margin Call so he’s like all I worked with Kevin Spacey, I’m not working with Tribbles, so I’m like the fuck you aren’t. Anyway we’ve got Simon Pegg and he’ll do anything for geek juice.’

What about Chris Pine?

‘After This Means War he’s lucky I let him anywhere near a film set.’

Star Trek Into Darkness With Tribbles is due for release in 2013.

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS TRAILER: REVIEW

Data returns!

The new JJJ AbramsStar Trek Into Darkness is not due to be released until star date something something 2013, but the release of a teaser trailer today literally sent the internet into geeking jizzland and in Egypt caused Trekkie supporters to try and overturn the government after President Morsi, issued a statement claiming that Star Trek Into Darkness looked ‘lame’ and he was ‘way more stoked about Star Wars Episode VII‘. But when the burning bodies have been doused and the dead counted what did we really learn about JJJJJ Abrams’ actual new film cinema movie film.
Five things we learnt about Star Trek Into the Darkness. 

  1. Star Trek into the Darkness is an awful title. As much as it wants to go “oooooh we’re really dark and serious” the word ‘trek’ kinda let’s it down. Walk into the darkness? Yes. Run into the darkness, march, stagger, yes, yes, yes. But Treking into the Darkness? Nordic walking into the darkness? Segue into the darkness? 
  2. JJJJJJJ Abrams’ is keeping the Tribbles close to his chest. As reported here (Click to read Star Trek Tribbles article) the most beloved Viagra fuelled aliens, the Tribbles will make a return in the new ‘dark’ film. Apparently, Michael Fassbender has been called in to do some motion capture to give the ceaseless rutting of the Tribbles, a tortured agonized feel a là Shame.
  3. Things blow up and stuff. And people go no!!!!!!!
  4. Peet Monzingo looks fantastic as bar patron 2. Good work Peet!
  5. Studios really don’t need to spend that much money on publicity when the internet is chock full of blogs and film sites which happily write hundreds of words about fucking posters and reviews of tease trailers for free. Oh, which I suppose we’re doing okay as well, but only because oh Fuck You.