INTERNATIONAL SPOILER LAW PASSED

BREAKING NEWS – International spoiler law passed unanimously by the UN will be enforceable in every nation in the world. The maximum punishment will be not only be death but also online cancellation.

 

International spoiler law passed and not before time

With the advent of social media, douchebags everywhere were free to post all about Keyser Soze and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (nobody knows his character’s name, not even him) and boy, did they. But things really came to a head last year when media outlets started printing stories with spoilers about the upcoming Bond film, No Time To Die.

 

No Time To Spoil

With spoilers flying around the internet, Twitter collectively shat its digital pants and the UN had to step in. And so international law makers around the world began drafting the aptly titled Spoiler Bill. Details of the bill were leaked onto Twitter and Facebook, which enraged spoiler sensitive millennials everywhere.

 

Death by cancellation

The law states the crime of publishing and sharing spoilers will be punishable by death, the guilty are to be digitally cancelled. This means the guilty will have all traces of their online presence removed and it will be a crime in itself to utter or use their names on any social media platform.

 

Free Guy spoilers

Even as the bill was being passed at the UN, the Ryan Reynolds blockbuster, Free Guy fell victim of this heinous crime. The film has a brief cameo which has been spoiled by certain killjoy media outlets. The commissioning editors, writers and CEOs of the media groups involved have all been rounded up and will stand trial.

 

We’ll round them up, put ‘em in a field, and BOMB THE BASTARDS!

With the Chief UN Prosecutor, Daphne Cromwell leading the case, she had this to say about the Free Guy spoilers. “We love our international spoiler-free community and it has been abused by these people. And because we will not go quietly into the night, these people will pay with their actual and digital lives. Once we catch these criminals they will be de-rezzed. End of line.”

 

KEVIN SPACEY IS KEYSER SOZE, BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST AND TONY STARK DIES. DEAL WITH IT.

NSA TASKED WITH COMBATING SPOILERS

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has tasked the National Security Agency (or the NSA as they prefer to be known) with a new list of mission priorities in an attempt to improve the flagging image of the Government service.

First of these new missions will be a crackdown on so called SPOILERS, anyone spoiling the plots of films and television shows.

Speaking from the White House, President Obama said:

It has been for too long that our films, our shows, our stories have been spoiled by careless internet chatter and occasionally malicious revelations. That is why today I have signed an executive order giving the NSA full power to assassinate anyone who is found guilty of persistently ruining films and shows for those who have not yet got round to seeing them. Maybe it is too late for the second season of House of Cards, or for the truly stunning True Detective, but with these measures in place we can all look forward to Game of Thrones, knowing we can catch up later and not have to avoid twitter or rush to see it the moment it’s broadcast lest our enjoyment be very literally spoiled.

However, critics of the President were quick to point out that the new NSA directives have a very limited scope. Will Ferrell – spokesperson for SHACK – said:

It’s all very well for the President to make this move and we of SHACK applaud it. However, it will do nothing to combat the main cause of Spoilers in our culture: namely trailers. Until we have a comprehensive strategy in place to rein in the publicity departments who routinely ruin their own movies and give away salient plot points in their posters and trailers, then we at SHACK will tirelessly campaign for the impeachment of President Obama.

What do you think of the NSA’s new directive? Are you in favor or are you a communist perhaps? Please avail yourself of the comments below to make your own mind stain visible to the eyes of the world.