COOL HAND LUKE ‘THE SWEATIEST FILM EVER MADE’

HOLLYWOOD – Cool Hand Luke declared the ‘sweatiest film ever made’ by Lynx Underarm Deodorant.

Lynx Underarm Deodorant today announced that the sweatiest film ever made is Cool Hand Luke. The Paul Newman prison flick beat out tough competition from Das Boot and Apocalypse Now. A spokesperson from the underarm sweat busters, Martin Creamerton told the Studio Exec:

This was a tough one but in the end the combination of dust and heat and forced labour in the sweltering south made this a go to sweat fest. Perspiration pongs from the screen, whether they’re digging ditches, eating eggs, or watching that gal wash her car.

The choice was not without controversy, however. Many considered Spike Lee‘s Do the Right Thing a firm favorite and some harked back to the claustrophobic sweatiness of 12 Angry Men.

You are always going to have disagreements. But we here at Lynx like to think that this kind of award is about promoting discussion. Our word is by no means final. And yet we do use scientists who study things like droplets, stains and pores in order to come to a final verdict. In this way Stuart Rosenberg’s 1967 drama was a perfect score all along the line.

Asked for comment Spike Lee merely said: ‘Bullshit!’ and slammed the phone down.

Spike Lee’s new film Sweaty Ass MuthaFukkas is on Netflix in 2021.

CANNES FILM FESTIVAL BEGINS

CANNES – The 73rd Cannes Film Festival opens today.

Another year, another Cannes film festival. We flew in to Nice late last night and now the Studio Exec team has gathered in our hotel suite overlooking the Croisette. The program promises to be lively and the jury, led by Spike Lee no less, will no doubt begin their deliberations. One things for sure, this is going to be a bumper year of fun and controversy.

For once there doesn’t seem to be that many people about. In fact going for a walk this morning there was hardly anybody and no sign of the massive billboards that usually front the hotels. The Palais du Cinema looks dark and the queues at the accreditation are non-existent. It’s a bit sloppy of the organisers but they haven’t announced the official programme or what the opening film is going to be. Come on Thierry, get it together!

Personally, I have my fingers crossed for the Kevin James starrer Paul Blart Mall Cop 3. Though some people argued that Richard Jewell was effectively a Paul Blart sequel, I’ve never accepted it as cannon. Obviously, there’ll be a Naomi Kawase movie as there has been every year since 1946. Other highlights will include queuing for three hours to then not get in to the new Wes Anderson The French Dispatch. Also the culinary delights of moules frites, pan bagnat and pan aux chocolat. We’ll frequent all the most chic nightspots like Ma Nolan’s and the Petit Majestique.

Highlights

Some highlights to look forward to:

Gaspar Noe’s new film Rimjob looks set to be his most controversial yet with a forty minute sequence in which someone puts bread in the fridge, something you should never do.

Wes Anderson will grace the red carpet with everybody who has ever acted appearing in his new film.

The ‘Death of Cinema’ is debated for the first time ever.

To avoid spoilers being leaked via social media the festival is requesting press screenings to take place only after everyone in the world has already seen the films.

People finally admit rose wine is awful and we wouldn’t drink it if it wasn’t free.

The Cannes Film Festival ends on May 24th.

SPIKE LEE TO REMAKE ENTER THE DRAGON

BROOKLYN – Maverick director Spike Lee confirmed this week he will be remaking classic Kung Fu pic Enter the Dragon.

Following the 2013 Oldboy remake starring Josh Brolin, Spike Lee is to make Enter the Dragon.

Spike cordially told the Studio Exec:

I’ve had a taste of Far East cinematic cuisine and just like the actual cuisine of the Far East, it has left me hungry for more. Now I have a real grasp of the action dynamics and this time I will be going full out.

The new Enter the Dragon will star Ken Jeong of The Hangover ‘fame’ in the role made famous by Bruce Lee, Lee, a martial artist who agrees to participate in a tournament the better to spy on the doings of an evil crime lord. Billy Bob Thornton will play Roper, the American who aids Lee, a role originally played by cult movie legend John Saxon in the 1973 original.

In his usual laid back style, Spike Lee confided in Studio Exec:

The idea originally came from Bob Weinstein. He said ‘Your name is Lee. And Bruce Lee’s name is Lee! It’s meant to be.’ I was bowled over. I said, ‘Bob, the way you put things together is visionary.’  Also, everyone agreed that my Oldboy was so much better than Chan-wook Park’s frankly infantile effort. So then it occurred to me that although Enter the Dragon has this cult status, it isn’t really a very good film and it has almost no comedy routines. Ken Yeong will change that and I’ll direct the hell of it.

Enter the Dragon: A Spike Lee Joint will be released in 2018.

SPIKE LEE PRAISES GODS OF EGYPT ALL WHITE CASTING

HOLLYWOOD – Spike Lee congratulates Gods of Egypt for not casting black actors.

The historical/fantasy romp Gods of Egypt hit the Box Office with all the impact of a neutrino hitting a truck windshield this week as both critics and public agreed that the film was not worth their time. ‘Starring’ Gerard Butler and Nicolas Coster-Waldau, the Alex Proyas film tells the story of the myth of Osiris and has been roundly criticized for casting almost exclusively white actors as Egyptians. The film however has found an unlikely champion in Maclolm X and future Enter the Dragon director Spike Lee, who spoke to the Studio Exec earlier today:

At first I was mad about the casting controversy concerning Gods of Egypt. It was Ridley Scott and Exodus all over again as far as I could see. A systematic white washing of history and the world for the benefit of the dollar and dumb prejudice audiences who aren’t interested in watching anything which isn’t exactly like them.

So what changed your opinion?

I saw the film.

Ah!

Yeah, exactly. And I realized. Goddamn it, what if Denzel had been in this or Will Smith, or Oprah I mean Whoopi Goldberg.  It could have set the movement back decades. Normally I’d say I’m against segregation, but I do want to be segregated from your bullshit CGIed up the ass fantasy movies with second string Game of Thrones actors. That’s some shit I can get behind.

Gods of Egypt is on release.

FIRST LOOK AT SPIKE LEE’S THE JOSEPH FIENNES STORY

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has obtained a sneak peak at the new Spike Lee film: The Joseph Fiennes Story.

Spike Lee’s biopic of actor and Voldemort brother Joseph Fiennes is well into production and the first picture was released today EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec. The Do The Right Thing director last night stated that his film of the Shakespeare in Love star was a direct response to Joseph Fiennes’ appearance as Michael Jackson in a new TV show.

Spike Lee came by the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss the new project:

I like Joseph Fiennes. I love him in everything he’s ever been in, especially Flash Forward. But frankly following the announcement of the Oscars and the campaign to promote diversity this news came as a slap in the face to all folks who had been upset about the lack of diversity in recent years. So I’ve decided I’m going to fight fire with fire.

The film will cover Joseph Fiennes career from Shakespeare in Love to the present day.

I’m interested in Joseph Fiennes as I think that it is a unique story of fame and anonymity.  Joseph is famous but at the same time always in the shadow of his brother, who will be played by Samuel L. Jackson.

The Joseph Fiennes Story will be released in 2017.

KANYE WEST TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West is to take over from Chris Rock and host the 88th Academy Awards, AKA The Oscars on the 28th of February.

Kanye West announced that he would be replacing Chris Rock as the Oscars host last night. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that his decision to step in came as a response to the Oscars So White controversy.

There comes a time in a man’s life that he cannot just stand by on the other side of the street. When you see oppression, when you see a brother or sister beaten by the cops, when you see hunger and deprivation, when you see Taylor Swift pick up a VMA, you just gotta step in, or be less than what you think you are.

So the Academy hired you as a way of…

The Academy didn’t hire me. They wouldn’t hire someone like me. I’m a maverick, a visionary and potentially a Presidential candidate, but first I want to see how Donald does. Heh heh. Donald does? Sounds a bit like Donald Duck, don’t it?

And why did Chris Rock decide to step down? He looked like he was nailed on to host.

Will you get the story straight SE? Chris Rock hasn’t stepped down and likely won’t. I, Kanye West, father of the compass children, husband of the Kardashian who could, rapper of every album getting progressively crapper, am stepping up. I’m going to get on the stage of the Dolby and grab that microphone. Best Actress: Beyonce! Best Actor: Kanye West. Best Director: Spike Lee! Best Picture: Runaway.

Those aren’t the nominees.

Do I look like I give a God Damn? You don’t nominate Kanye, Kanye nominates you! Hashtag gonna be Oscars So Kanye!

The Academy Awards will be held at the Dolby Theater on 28th of February, 2016. Image by @SoundIsStyle.

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING AND MICHAEL CAINE STEAL OSCARS FROM BLACK PEOPLE

HOLLYWOOD – The controversy concerning Oscars and diversity continues as Michael Caine and Charlotte Rampling allegedly broke into several houses last night and stole the Oscars won by black actors and directors.

Charlotte Rampling and Michael Caine last night have broken into the houses of several famous black actors and Hollywood players – including Denzel Washington, Steve McQueen, Lupita Nyong’o and Spike Lee – and stole the Oscars which they won. Charlotte Rampling told a French radio station:

It’s not fair that black people win Oscars. It’s racist against white people who are dying in all parts of the world because they haven’t won an Oscar.

According to her own confession, the two actors set out with a map and a set of housebreaking tools around seven thirty last night and by early this morning has accrued several Academy Awards which they proudly showed off to photographers (see picture above). Michael Caine was rather less bullish in his remarks, telling the BBC:

It’s all just a bit of fun really. To tell you the truth I’ve always been a little bit in love with Charlotte so she can ask me to do anything and I’m game. Of course, we’ll give the Oscars back, but I think we’re going to have a little fun and make it into something like a treasure hunt or something.

Lupita Nyong’o was actually in when the Rampling Caine robbery team called round and said that she grew suspicious when Charlotte Rampling asked to use the bathroom and then was found poking around in the bedroom.

The police said that they weren’t investigating the incident because Charlotte Rampling and Michael Caine are both white.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MICHAEL CAINE SAYS ALL BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD GO BACK TO EUROPE

LONDON – 83 Year old actor Michael Caine has stirred controversy across the internet by speaking in an interview and letting out great wafting opinion balloons that are now floating in the upper atmosphere causing confusion among astronauts and the pilots of passenger jets.

In the full interview that we haven’t read or listened to it (I think it was the Today program) Michael Caine said something along the lines of:

All black people should go back to where they came from: Europe! The refugee crisis has been caused by faceless European bureaucrats and it doesn’t seem fair that they are demanding that they all get Oscars. I’m not going to vote for an actor to get an Oscar just because some unelected Euro-crat in Brussels says I have to because he’s an immigrant and black. I watched Idris Elba in Beast of No Nation and I thought he was great and just because he’s British and not European and a refugee from Europe I’m not allowed to vote for him. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. I mean this is racism really. It’s about time that Britain left Europe, and I don’t mean by severing political and economic ties, I mean by us all getting long wooden sticks, standing on the east coast and punting the bloody island as far into the Atlantic as Ireland would allow. I forgot about Ireland. Maybe we could go a bit South as well. The weather would be nicer for a start. Anyway these are details David Cameron can sort out later.

Twitter was outraged that the star of Zulu and Ashanti said some stuff that someone else had tweeted to them who hadn’t read the interview either. Everyone is angry and no one is happy. But at least his trending didn’t mean he’s dead, which is what (frankly) we all thought when we saw him trending – what with David Bowie and Alan Rickman and it being January and all. However, it was also revealed that Michael Caine had sneaked into Spike Lee’s house and stolen his Oscar ‘for a laugh’. Spike Lee is understandably furious and has ordered his private army of fans to ‘Get Caine!’

Michael Caine’s new book I Only Meant To Blow The Bloody Internet Up will be released on Thursday.

BOB DYLAN DISOWNS HIS SON

HOLLYWOOD – Bob Dylan today disowned his son George Zimmerman, following the news that Zimmerman was painting confederate flags for a ‘Muslim free’ gun shop owner.

The folk singer and song writer Bob Dylan had kept silent about his son, throughout his trial for the murder of Trayvon Martin in 2012. Dylan watchers said that Dylan’s silence was an attempt to distance himself from his progeny.

Leonard Cohen when asked stated:

I didn’t know they were related. I know Bob’s real name is Zimmerman, but I don’t recall him having a son called George. But then again I haven’t seen him in a long time.

Others ridiculed the idea that Bob Dylan should say anything about George Zimmerman. Bruce Springsteen told the Studio Exec:

Why should he come out and talk about it? George Zimmerman has nothing to do with him.

But filmmaker Spike Lee argued that Dylan’s first duty was to combat racism in all its forms:

The answer Mr. Dylan is not ‘blowing in the wind’, the answer is to be forthright and complete in your condemnation of your son’s actions.

The Oldboy director went on to give out the addresses of several old people who had vaguely similar names.

However, George Zimmerman’s most recent behavior – selling paintings of confederate flags to a ‘Muslim free’ gun shop owner – seems to have been a step too far for Dylan who told Studio Exec:

George Zimmerman is NOT my son. Do you understand? Now? Finally? Jesus Christ. And now look you’ve made me curse.

George Zimmerman was unavailable for comment.

 

MARTIN SCORSESE PRESENTS TWELVE PART NEW ROMANTICS DOC

NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese today announced that he would be releasing a 12 part documentary on the 1980s pop phenomenon of the New Romantics.

Following his critically rated History of the Blues musical documentary as well as films on George Harrison and Bob Dylan, Scorsese has decided to turn his attention to the musical inventiveness of such groups as Heaven 17, Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran.

The Aviator and Shutter Island director told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Coming right in the midst of the grimmest period in British history, following on from the spit drenched nihilism of punk and played out to the background of labor strikes and the threat of imminent thermo-nuclear destruction, synth-pop was some of the most authentic and gritty music I’ve ever heard. Bands such as Visage and The Human League came out of the slums of Birmingham and London and they were all wearing eyeliner.

Why is this period so important to you?

I’ve always loved music, second only in my love to films and even then. The second British Invasion which saw groups like Culture Club break into the US charts and ask hard questions of the culture. Questions like ‘Do you really want to hurt me?’ and ‘Don’t you Want me Baby?’ and even ‘Who’s the dandy highwayman?’

Featuring interviews with Gary Numan and Annie Lennox, the 12 part series will have a different director for each segment. Scorsese explained:

Clint Eastwood is a huge fan of Tubeway Army and will be directing the episode devoted to them and Gary Numan, while Werner Herzog will be doing a profile on German group Kraftwerk. Spike Lee is to contribute a documentary on Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Howard Kelly.

Martin Scorsese’s History of New Romanticism will be shown on HBO tomorrow night and then every week for a year.  

 

TAYLOR SWIFT SONG LINKED TO RISE IN GANG VIOLENCE

HOLLYWOOD – The release of a new Taylor Swift song ‘Shake it Off!’ has been linked to a sharp peak in gang violence this weekend.

Commentators have pinned the blame on the songstress and VMA winner for a number of drive bys and shootings and police have issued a warning to the singer, asking her to refrain from music ‘if at all possible’.

Cultural commentator and sociologist Xavier Poulis told Studio Exec:

I don’t know what it is about Ms. Swift’s sound, but the moment a new record of hers hits the ‘streets’ the next sound heard is the unloading of Uzis and Glocks and the screaming and crying of the wounded and dying. It could be that she speaks to the black experience like no other, because she herself is not black; is in fact as white as it is possible to be. Maybe it’s because her heart rending vulnerability adds tenderness to what is otherwise a brutal existence. As she sings, ‘players gonna play play play play, haters gonna hate hate hate hate’.

What has made Shake It Off a particularly incendiary mix is the music video which accompanies the song and has the country singer dressed as a gang member amidst twerking dancers.

Spike Lee didn’t watch the video and so was immediately available for comment:

It’s an obviously insulting appropriation of black culture for racist ends. What is so disgusting though is that so many brothers love the Swift and are willing to go to war with rival gangs whenever she has a song out.

When Kanye West interrupted her acceptance speech at the VMAs in 2009, LA exploded in rioting and Kanye West’s home and record company was burned to the ground.

Hopefully this year’s VMAs will pass without incident, but chances are more than a few gunshot victims won’t be able to ‘shake it off’!

WILL SMITH IS BOBBY MCFERRIN

HOLLYWOOD – Joining the latest rash of musical biopics, Will Smith has signed on for Don’t Worry (Be Happy), Spike Lee‘s epic 3 hour take on the musical career of Bobby McFerrin.

The Old Boy and Malcolm X director spoke exclusively to Studio Exec this morning about the project:

I’ve always been inspired by Bobby McFerrin. People know me as a kinda irascible guy always prone to the odd outburst and argument, but really I’m not. I’ve always based my philosophy on Bobby’s amazing hit ‘Don’t Worry (Be Happy)’, which is also going to be the title of our movie.   

Will Smith also expressed delight at working on Don’t Worry (Be Happy).

Bobby McFerrin is a guy, who like James Brown, like Michael Jackson, just revolutionized music. He used his body as an orchestra and he wrote some of the most stirring music of the last few decades. I mean a soundtrack to a generation. He wrote ‘Don’t Worry (Be Happy)’ for crying out loud. Without that song Pharrell Williams would be …. well I don’t know, but something.

Lee also answered criticism that his film is based on a mammoth 300 page script.

Yes, we do have some issues with length, but McFerrin’s story is simply so epic, there’s no way of fitting it all in. I mean we have the story of him becoming this huge overnight success with ‘Don’t Worry (Be Happy)’ and then all the other hits we have to fit in, like… well, there was… I mean, did he do ‘Easy (Like Sunday Morning)’? No that was The Commodores, or Lionel Richie. Erm. Maybe we could slim it down a little.

Don’t Worry (Be Happy) will be released in 2015.

SPIKE LEE’S OLDBOY TO BE ERASED FROM EXISTENCE

HOLLYWOOD – In a landmark move the American Film Institute and the Motion Picture Association of America have agreed to join forces to eradicate Spike Lee’s Oldboy remake from the annals of history.

“For the past year it has been our strict policy not to mention the film Oldboy”, said project leader Chuck Storm:

When we have been forced to confront the issue it is commonly referred to as ‘The Stain’ but there are those, including myself, that prefer to call it ‘The Aberration’. We’ve managed to expunge it’s existence from our own records and ensure it cannot be legally distributed but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We need the public to come forward and hand in any hard copies they might have accidentally bought, either during a fit of madness or for a drunken bet. We promise to maintain your anonymity and we’ll even give you a copy of the exceptional Korean original in exchange.

So far the plan has been warmly received. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone tweeted “Finally we have a scorched Oldboy policy” and British Film Critic Mark Kermode wrote in The Guardian newspaper “Technically it’s a bad day for freedom of expression but it’s a bloody marvellous day for quality control”. However a few media outlets have accused the project of censorship at best and at worst, Nazism:

“Yeah, we’ve been called Nazis”,  said Storm:

But the truth is Hitler would have been a big fan of the ‘Aberration’. He loved the idea of taking something beautiful and experimenting on it for no apparent reason until what was great about the original is gone and all you have left is an ugly dead midget with six legs and essentially that’s what Lee’s film is. It’s an ugly, dead midget with six legs.

Oldboy will soon not be available to buy anywhere, forever.

5 ACTORS’ REAL NAMES REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – ‘A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet’ wrote Shamlyn Pod, or William Shakespeare as he is better known.

However, in Hollywood (real name Dusty Hills) what a rose is called is of great importance. For the first time, The Studio Exec will name and shame those such as Valerie Shitstain (Jessica Chastain) and Mammory Driver (Winona Ryder) who have left behind the handle their parents ill-advisedly gave them in their climb to stellar-ish stardom. 

1. Michael Caine: Everybody knows him as the cheerful cockney butler with a love of tangerines and a tendency to burst into tears at the drop of a bat, but he was first brought into the world as humble Nickelback Micklemouse, a name which would later be used as inspiration for one of the more tedious examples of ‘rock’.

2. Scarlett Johansson: Famed Norwegian beauty and star of Her was baptized after the patron saint of Jam sandwiches: Slappy Dappy Fffnerfenerrff.

3. Spike Lee: The radical black director, friend to struggling graphic designers everywhere and vigilante distributor of the wrong addresses, was known to his schoolmates as simply Seamus Flannagan O’Rourke.

4. Terrence Malick: Film director and voice over artist extraordinaire, bird watcher and stand up comic, Terrence Malick changed his name in order to gain more respectability. His real name is Larry Giggles.  

5. George Clooney: George Clooney’s birth name is Brad Pitt (and Brad Pitt’s is George Clooney), but while they were both struggling young actors, they decided to swap their names as a gas. Before they knew it, they were world famous and it was too late to swap back. For a joke, shout out Brad whenever George is in the room and watch him spin around, before checking himself.

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