JAWS REMAKE CONFIRMED FOR 2019

HOLLYWOOD – Paramount have confirmed the long-awaited Jaws remake will hit cinemas in summer 2019.

“We’ve got a killer script and we’re eager to start shooting,” said a studio spokesman.

We’re taking a lot of inspiration from the original and the main characters are all essentially the same. We’re just going to set it in modern times and utilize some of the technology we have available now but didn’t back in the 70s. For example, there’s one guy who is famous for taking Instagram photos of shark attacks and he gets eaten alive. Another girl is bitten in half as she’s trying to snapchat a picture of Jaws and a kid playing Pokemon Go wanders into deep water and gets his legs chewed off. This version is not so much about the dangers of the natural world, it’s more about the dangers of using your iPhone around man-eating animals. 

Although the cast hasn’t been finalized, rumours are swirling that Daniel Day-Lewis is already preparing for a role.

“He’s been living as a shark in the Pacific ocean for the last six months,” said an anonymous insider:

The studio insisted he wore a GPS tag for insurance purposes but they lost the signal sometime in August and nobody is sure of his current whereabouts.

Asked if Day-Lewis could be responsible for the recent shark attack in Venice beach, the spokesman was candid:

Look, I can’t officially say it was him but from what I hear, before the surfer was dragged underwater witnesses on the beach heard something cry ‘I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!’.

The Jaws remake is due for release in 2019.

 

IS SPIELBERG SECRETLY FILMING JAWS 19?

HOLLYWOOD – Rumours are swirling on social media that Steven Spielberg is currently filming Jaws 19: Jaws in Space.

An anonymous source at London’s Pinewood Studios called our office and gave us an exclusive insight into this mysterious movie. Below is an edited transcript of that conversation.

Can you tell us who you are?

Er, no. Well you see I’m famous and if Spielberg finds out he’ll get all Munich on my ass. I’ll make up a name, er, Harrison Fjord.

Are you Scandinavian?

No, I’m Irish Catholic. Ah shit. I mean yes, sure, I’m from Finland.

So Harry, what can you tell us about Jaws in Space?

It’s going to be amazing. I’ve seen about 30 minutes of footage and it’s shaping up to be a masterpiece.

Can you reveal any plot details?

Sure. I play High Chief Martin Brody, the commander of the Amity colony on the Planet Quint 91753. We get a distress call from a nearby moon about a Great White Shark that swims through the universe devouring entire galaxies and it’s on a direct course for our planet.

Wow, so you have to fight him off?

Exactly. First this huge shark sends out smaller shark to attack cities and they all get destroyed. Only Amity remains and so we gather our forces and take the fight to him.

Amazing. How do you eventually kill it?

I’m not sure but I have seen the props department building a 500ft stick of dynamite so maybe that plays a part.

Sounds like it might. Is there anything else you can tell us?

Only that it’s going to be in 3D and Jennifer Lawrence is…ah Christ, Spielberg’s coming and he looks pissed. I’ve got to go.

JAWS 19 IS DUE FOR RELEASE IN 2017

CHEWBACCA RULES HIMSELF OUT OF STAR WARS 7

HOLLYWOOD – In alarming news for Star Wars fans everywhere, Chewbacca – the large walking carpet as he prefers to be known – ruled himself out of any participation in the new Disney run Star Wars sequel Episode 7. ‘It’s a blatant cash grab,’ said the Wookie. ‘And frankly I have better things to do with my time.’

Chewbacca retired from acting in 1993 after his character’s scenes were axed from Schindler’s List.

‘When that happened I was devastated,’ says Chewie. ‘I had really seen this as an opportunity not to be typecast and to do something with a little more heft, but Steven said that it wasn’t fitting to the period or tone of the piece. Well, fine but he could have made that decision earlier and saved me six months of hard work.’


Since retiring from acting, Chewbacca has pursued a variety of failed business ventures and botched career changes:

I was a golf pro at a Palm Springs course, but then I had to leave because of … ahem … indiscretions. Then I opened my own series of Korean themed fast food restaurants called Chewie’s Chews; you heard of them? No? I’m not surprised. They were open a week before we got closed down. 

Always seen as the loose canon of the Star Wars cast, Chewbacca is unforgiving in his assessments of the other alumni from a galaxy far, far away, recently causing outrage when he commented: ‘Hamill’ll do anything for a peanut butter sandwich.’

‘I wish them all the luck in the world, but at the moment I have my Zumba club to concentrate on,’ Chewie said, before giving us his trade mark arrghghhghhwargghgh.  

STEVEN SPIELBERG: SLAVE OWNER AND HYPOCRITE

HOLLYWOOD – Film maker, Steven Spielberg has long been seen as a master storyteller and a conductor whose orchestra is the vast array of human sentiment. However, today on the eve of the release of his epic Lincoln starring Daniel Day Lewis, it has been revealed that he is also a slave owner.

The Amblin Plantation in South Dakota contains a population of over three hundred Vietnamese slaves which the 1941 director bought in the late seventies before slavery was made definitively illegal and while, according to Kate Capshaw: ‘It was all the rage’.

His first slave was Hai Ke Quan, the father of Jonathan Ke Quan who played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom in 1984. His slaves are apparently treated humanely except for any who voice dissent about Spielberg’s role as Executive Producer on the Transformers franchise. One run away slave however spoke of having to sit through Amistad every night for a week.

‘It was like totally hypocritical,’ Ho Ak Bahn said. ‘I mean you know. Bullshit man.’

When questioned about the plantation, Spielberg responded that he had nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. ‘These people are like children who need to be taken care of,’ he said.

Short Round was captured starred in a film and then sent aback

But isn’t this precisely the attitude that Lincoln and Amistad criticise? Studio Exec courageously was alone in asking, with a frail tremulous voice on the verge of cracking.

‘No,’ said The Sugarland Express (as he likes to be known). ‘That is a totally different kettle of fish. Mine aren’t black, so it isn’t racism.’