HOLLYWOOD – The producers of the Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley sci-fi slump have confirmed the once planned Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’. Which, in producer talk means it was a complete and utter flop and there’s no way in hell they’ll be spaffing any more money on that franchise. The Exec sat down to talk to producer Mark Pryke and ask why is a Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’.
A Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’? That means it was huge flop, doesn’t it?
*What do you mean by that? What an asshole. Just because I got an Associate Producer credit on that piece of shit, I have to talk to these idiots.*
What Did You Say?
Oh, that wasn’t me talking. That was my aura. Sorry about that. It tends to do that and I have virtually no control over it. *And now I have to suck up to him and apologize. Dick.*
Ok, I’ll Try And Ignore It, As Most People Ignored Chaos Walking, Ha-Ha!
*Smart ass.* Yes, very funny, ha-ha. I think the main problem was that we didn’t develop the script enough prior to shooting. We didn’t fully take advantage of the conceit of the auras. *And we had Tom Holland and Daisey Ridley in starring roles. If they aren’t in a Spiderman costume or hurling a lightsaber around, nobody seems to give a shit.*
Isn’t It A Bit Harsh To Lay The Blame On The Actors?
God damn this fucking aura. *Heheheheh.* I guess you have a point, I wish we could guarantee what will be a hit and what will be a flop, but that’s impossible. *Name a film that either of them has starred in away from their franchises that was successful. I’ll wait.* Oh, so my aura is going to do shitty meta-tweet gags now? *Tom Holland, Daisy Ridley or a successful movie… you can only pick one.* Fuck you, aura. *No, fuck you, Pryke!*
You Know What, I Can See Why The Film Flopped. This Aura Thing Is Really Annoying.
Fuck you Exec. Fuck you.
Was That Your Aura Saying That?
Nope. *Heheheheheh. Aura high five.*
Chaos Walking Is On Prime Video… If Anyone Cares.
BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.
Spiderman No Place Like Home
The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.
By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.
The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West
But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.
The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.
SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS
BELGIUM – Tom Six’s The Human Centipede follows in the footsteps of Billy Elliot and Spider-man to become the latest movie to be transformed into a big Broadway musical.
With Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence in cinemas at the moment the popularity of the digestive horror franchise has never been higher and some analysts are surprised only that it hasn’t made the move earlier. Theater critic Xavier Poulis said:
Human Centipede is an absolutely obvious choice for Broadway adaptation. It has physical movement, a strong central idea and it is genuinely moving. The team assembled are top class and I can see Human Centipede challenging the likes of Les Miserables for longevity.
Tim Rice has already written the book and Andrew Lloyd Webber is busy putting the finishing touches to what he calls ‘the sickest shit I’ve ever done.’
The first songs have leaked (never was the word more appropriate) onto the internet, with such promising titles as ‘He’s got the Whole World in his Glands’ and ‘You’ll find an End in Me’. James Purefoy will take the role of the mad scientist whose anatomical experiment has terrible consequences for Andrew Garfield, Rachel McAdams and Carey Mulligan.
An overexcited Tim Rice said:
We’ve missed in some classics, like Scott Walker’s ‘Get Behind Me’ and the evergreen favorite ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, with some of our original songs like ‘Arse horizon’ and the fantastic post-operation ‘Stuck in the Middle with You’ which we’ve changed to ‘Smm mmmml mmw ooo’ because it’s sung by the one in the middle.
The Human Centipede Sings! is due to open early in 2016.