CHAOS WALKING SEQUEL ‘UNLIKELY’

HOLLYWOOD – The producers of the Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley sci-fi slump have confirmed the once planned Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’. Which, in producer talk means it was a complete and utter flop and there’s no way in hell they’ll be spaffing any more money on that franchise. The Exec sat down to talk to producer Mark Pryke and ask why is a Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’.

A Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’? That means it was huge flop, doesn’t it?

*What do you mean by that? What an asshole. Just because I got an Associate Producer credit on that piece of shit, I have to talk to these idiots.*

What Did You Say?

Oh, that wasn’t me talking. That was my aura. Sorry about that. It tends to do that and I have virtually no control over it. *And now I have to suck up to him and apologize. Dick.*

Ok, I’ll Try And Ignore It, As Most People Ignored Chaos Walking, Ha-Ha!

*Smart ass.* Yes, very funny, ha-ha. I think the main problem was that we didn’t develop the script enough prior to shooting. We didn’t fully take advantage of the conceit of the auras. *And we had Tom Holland and Daisey Ridley in starring roles. If they aren’t in a Spiderman costume or hurling a lightsaber around, nobody seems to give a shit.*

Isn’t It A Bit Harsh To Lay The Blame On The Actors?

God damn this fucking aura. *Heheheheh.* I guess you have a point, I wish we could guarantee what will be a hit and what will be a flop, but that’s impossible. *Name a film that either of them has starred in away from their franchises that was successful. I’ll wait.* Oh, so my aura is going to do shitty meta-tweet gags now? *Tom Holland, Daisy Ridley or a successful movie… you can only pick one.* Fuck you, aura. *No, fuck you, Pryke!*

You Know What, I Can See Why The Film Flopped. This Aura Thing Is Really Annoying.

Fuck you Exec. Fuck you.

Was That Your Aura Saying That?

Nope. *Heheheheheh. Aura high five.*

Chaos Walking Is On Prime Video… If Anyone Cares.

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME CONFIRMED BY MARVEL

BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.

Spiderman No Place Like Home

The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.

Oh Boy

By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.

The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West

But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.

Bonophobia

The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS

MARVEL BUY UP BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel buy up Batman and the rights to the DCU super detective in a shocking legal development.

The decision came from Warner Brothers in a bid to recoup losses on the recent financial disaster, The Justice League and then spunking $80million more on the 4 hour bum-numbathon, Snyder Cut. This prompted the move from Warner that meant Marvel buy up Batman. Kevin Feige confirmed the move in an exclusive interview he gave The Studio Exec Bungalow HQ.

Kevin, thanks for coming to the bungalow:

My pleasure man, you guys sure got a sweet set up here. I never knew the bungalow had a secret cave with a fireman’s pole. Sweet. But no worries, I can keep a secret.

Anyway, can you tell us about the property you have purchased?

Fricken right I can. We just bought Batman from those stupid, emo mother fuckers DC Warner. Their books have really hit the shit-can lately. They splurged a load of money on The Justice League and that Snyder Cut and they got fuck all return on it. Warners had to make some green pretty quick, and not the kind that carries a lantern, know what I mean. They sure as shit weren’t going to make any from their movies so they sold Bruce Wayne to us. Holy kerching Batman!

Wow. That’s quite a shock.

With Stark dead, we needed another narcissist billionaire and he seems like a good fit. We’ll need to get some colour on the guy, that’s for sure. We’re thinking of going with bright yellow and green.

A bright yellow Batman?

You betcha, and we’ll stop all his moping around about his parents. None of that Martha shit in the MCU. He’s going to be more like a super-rich cool surfer dude. Think Richard Branson in bright yellow spandex who fights crime, but isn’t a posh sounding, self-publicising bell-end of course.

How will Batman fit into the MCU?

We see him as a sidekick to Antman and The Wasp. Put the funny guys together. Maybe some homo-erotic subtext, we want to remain true to Batman after-all. It could be quite a groovy love triangle with Ant Man, The Wasp and Batman. We’re thinking of new villains like The Ant-Eater, The Hedgehog and The Wind Farmer.

The Wind Farmer? Why?

Wind farms really fuck with bats at night, it’s terrible. I saw a YouTube video all about it. Fucking heartbreaking when you think about it. Those poor little bats.

The big question is who will play the Marvel Batman?

Jim Parsons. He’s tall, dark and no longer tied up with The Big Bang Theory. He’d be perfect. He has that simmering strength, and he has the gravitas to deliver those immortal words, ‘I’m Batman, EXCELSIOR!’

More on this story as we get it.

LEONARDAO DICAPRIO TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio has confirmed that he will be starring as Spider-Man in the next Spider-Man film.

The amazing webslinger is back! But despite rave reviews and commercial success, Tom Holland has got the boot and been replaced by Mr. Revenant himself: Leonardo diCaprio. The former Romeo came over to the Studio Exec bungalow to chew the fat. I asked what the hell?

Look, people started saying I could be the Joker. Sure, I could do that. But I really want to be Spider-Man. Marty will direct.

Scorsese wants to do a Spider-Man movie?

He will if he wants to see his cat again.

You kidnapped Martin Scorsese’s cat?

Are you kidding me? How else do you explain The Aviator? You think Marty wanted to make that movie.

So what will your take be on Spider-Man?

I’ve loved Spider-Man ever since I was a kid. I grew up with all those comic books. I’m such a nerd.

But isn’t Peter Parker a little young for you to play?

Who’s Peter Parker? Jesus Christ, Exec. Keep up. Spi-der-ma-n.

The Amazing Spider-Man’s Homecoming will be released in 2020.

FIVE FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TOM HOLLAND

LONDON – There’s a new Spider-Man in town and his name is Tom Holland.

But what do we actually know about this web-slinging Tom Holland. We sent our tingling spider senses FACT squad to London to find out something FACTy.

1. Tom Holland comes from a family of pie makers. His father Dominic Holland invented the meat and potato pie in 1987. Prior to this invention, you could only have meat pies or potato pies. But never the twain shall meet. At the time considered a revolutionary, Dominic has since become a household name. Tom continues to follow the family tradition, by eating pies.

2. In order to get the role of Spider-Man, the 21 year old actor trained as an acrobat and turned up to the audition climbing through the fifth story window. Unfortunately, he slipped and fell to the pavement below. Fortunately, 73 year old Mavis Tucker broke the young actors fall thereby saving his life, at the cost of her own. A price worth paying for a decent Spider-Man.

3. Although young, Holland has appeared in several big movies, including The Impossible, Heart of the Sea, The Lost City of Z and Two Girls and One Cup.

4. A feud between Andrew Garfield, Toby Maguire and Tom Holland was settled by a face fight in a deserted warehouse by the light of a petrol drum fire which left two of the Spider-Mans dead.

5. While making Spider-man: Homecoming, Robert Downey Jr would play jokes on his young co-star by leaving him messages that read things like: ‘You’re fired’ and ‘No, seriously. You’re fired. Get your stuff and leave’.

For more FACTS click HERE.

SILENCE – REVIEW

REVIEW: SILENCE – Spider-man and Kylo Ren go to Japan to find Ra’s Ghul.

Martin Scorsese’s new film apparently took 20 years to make or more accurately he wanted to do it for twenty years or something. Anyway the adaptation of Shusaku Endo’s amazing novel is faithful, perhaps overly so. Large slabs of prose are Terrence Malicked onto the soundtrack, but at the same time Scorsese also literally renders paragraphs, often risking silliness. The story often slides towards Christian propaganda and one wonders how Mel Gibson would have dealt with it. And how critics would have looked at the film if he had.

Hacksaw Ridge actor Andrew Garfield does some more blinking as the priest who with Adam Driver goes looking for Liam Neeson and proselytize to the heathens in Japan. The persecution that follows provides a stations of the cross for the priest who enters his crisis of faith. There’s some dodgy CGI and some wonderfully inventive direction. But the ambiguity of the novel has its hand tipped with a clumsy last shot and dedication.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

EXCLUSIVE LOOK INSIDE THE SPIDER-MAN RETIREMENT HOME

HOLLYWOOD – As the world prepares for a new Spider-Man to be unveiled in Captain America: Civil War, the Studio Exec has been granted an EXCLUSIVE peek into the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men.

Tom Holland as the new Spider-Man is already drawing rave reviews from the early buzz surrounding Captain America: Civil War,  but what awaits the young actor when his tenure as Marvel’s favorite web-slinger is through. We went inside the quiet sleepy confines of the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men to find out. Situated in Daytona Beach, Florida, the complex covers over a hundred acres of plush grassland. The building itself is modest enough with no outside indication of the Peter Parkers who roam the rec-rooms and shuffle board courts.

Nurse Jackie Pertite showed us around:

We have all the mod cons as well as a full time nursing staff to take care of our residents. Tobey Maguire is here somewhere. He tends to go to the climbing wall. Once those boys have a go, it’s just the dickens getting them to come down.

But Tobey Maguire is still a working actor?

Bless you for saying that. Bless you. If we see him, be sure and say that. He’ll love you. Tell him you loved The Great Gatsby and you’ll have a friend for life, but don’t mention Spider-Man 3.

We did see Tobey later but he was too intent on traversing a particularly difficult crack.  Andrew Garfield was sitting looking at his own reflection in a dead television. Coloring in a coloring book at his feet was a child of about nine. ‘Who’s that?’ I asked the nurse.

Oh that’s Max Charles. He played Young Peter Parker in The Amazing Spider-Man. Strictly speaking he shouldn’t be here, but once his Spidey senses start tingling we can’t keep him away with a baseball bat.

In the bingo room, I was surprised to see Neil Patrick Harris. ‘Voice artist in the animated series,’ Nurse Pertite whispered.

Just then the food came in and I excused myself. The diet of the retired Spider-Men is almost entirely insect in nature and I had neither the stomache nor the inclination to witness what was to happen next. In the peaceful glades and the balmy climate of South Florida it isn’t difficult to see these former heroes at their rest. And as I passed a door i noted wistfully that it already had a name plate. Tom Holland, it read. It won’t be long now Tom, I thought. It won’t be long now.

Captain America: Civil War stars Tom Holland as Spider-Man.

 

SPIDER-MAN WILL BE IN GAME OF THRONES

WESTEROS – Following a deal between Sony and HBO, Spider-man will appear in the new season of Game of Thrones ‘because basically we want to put him everywhere’.

Marvel’s best-loved web-slinger Spider-man is to join the cast of Game of Thrones for an eagerly anticipated Season Six. Tom Holland who has taken over from Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker’s arachnid alter-ego swung into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about his new role:

Hi everybody!

Hi, Tom. So what’s this about Game of Thrones? 

I was so excited when I got the gig to play Spider-man. I grew up watching Tobey Maguire and reading the comic books. Hell, I grew up watching Andrew Garfield for that matter. But the fun thing about my Spider-man is that I’m going to be in a whole bunch of films, not only Spider-man ones. The next Captain America: Civil War for instance, but also Game of Thrones.

So how did you get the Game of Thrones role and who are you going to play?

I have been a huge fan of the TV series and also of the George RR Martin books. They are fantastic. I got an opportunity to talk to George and he told me that one of the characters is actually based on Spider-man, then we ended up having long conversations about how Spider-man might fit in to the Westeros Universe. Sony were dead keen because basically money. We’re in talks to appear in Fuller House and the Walking Dead too.

I see. 

In this season a lot of characters are coming back from the dead. Partly because of the necromancer and also because of the White Walkers. And one character who died very recently is going to come back because he got bit by irradiated spider. Can you guess who? No, you can’t huh. You know nothing Studio Exec! Huh? A clue? Still no?

Game of Thrones Season 6 will drop in April. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

EVERYBODY TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – It was announced today that everyone would get an opportunity to play Spider-Man in the upcoming reboot of the highly successful franchise.

Following in the footsteps of Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland will be the first web-slinger front and center for the new Spider-Man film, to be followed five minutes later by Aaron Aarman, and then in alphabetical order, everyone else on the planet (with the exception of blacks and gays and women).

A Marvel spokesperson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Listen Peter Parker is a kind of everyman figure. Or at least every white, straight man figure, ha! But you know what I mean. Yes, he has superpowers. Yes he can climb walls and swing from webs that he shoots from his wrists, but really he’s just like you or me (as long as you’re not black or gay or a woman). So we’re going to give everyone the chance to play him. This way we’ll also broaden his appeal and lord knows there are enough films to go around. We’re planning to have a new Spider-Man movie every year with a new reboot every three.

Comic book legend and cameo junkie Stan Lee gave his thumbs up to the idea in an internal memo, in which he expressed his delight at the money.

Spider-Man’s Got Talent will be released in 2016.

NEW ALIEN FILM WILL ALSO STAR SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – District 9 and Elysium director Neill Blomkamp confirms that his new Alien film will also feature Spider-Man.

How the ubiquitous web-slinger will be joining the Xenomorph has not yet been made clear, but Blomkamp tweeted an image which shows clearly some concept art featuring Spidey’s mask pasted over a hunter xenoform’s body, apparently from Aliens. Alien watcher Emily Zapatta said:

This is a very exciting prospect.  Neil Blomkamp is someone who obviously loves mixing up genres. The documentary style with the alien film in District 9. The good film at the beginning of Elysium with the awful one that just goes on and on with the rest of the film. So Spider-Man fighting Aliens or even being an Alien… Why Not?

 Neill Blomkamp spokes with Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I didn’t really want to put Spider-Man in my film but the fact of the matter is we’re going to be releasing it in 2017 and there is a rule that any film post 2016 has to have a Marvel character in it or it won’t be distributed. I hear Star Wars are going with The Guardians of the Galaxy.

But how is that going to make sense with the original series?

Sense? Ha! That’s not considered that important any more. Look we’re trying to get Sigourney in but apparently she’s going to have to dress as a Ghostbuster.

But how does that…?

Don’t ask! I mean, it makes me want to go and do something less morally dubious. Design and sell chemical weapons to Third World dictators.

The Amazing Alien will be released in 2017.

DENNIS RODMAN CALLED IN TO NEGOTIATE WITH NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Basketball star and Kim Jong-Un BFF Dennis Rodman has been called in by Sony to help negotiate a cessation of hostilities and to ‘normalise’ relations between the media corporation and North Korea, guest contributor Anthony Langlois writes.

With Sony having sustained yet another kick in the berries following threats of terrorist acts by the alleged Hackers that led to cancelling the New York Premier of The Interview, the media giant felt it was time to break out the Nuclear option: get Dennis Rodman involved.

The notorious NBA bad boy and friend to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un announced via social media that he was once again on his way to visit the so-called dictator, in hopes that a friendly game of Horse between the two could lead to brokering peace and end the recent string of events that left Sony feeling like Heisenberg just knocked on its door.

“I didn’t do dick for Kenneth Bae,” Rodman wrote on his Facebook page, “But I can sure get Spider-man out of a Jam”.

The latter comment quickly sparked on-line speculations that the former B-Ball player was looking to score a part in the studio’s upcoming Sinister Six movie. However The Studio Exec reached out to a Sony insider who commented on the condition of anonymity, or until the next hack leaks it, that last they checked Hell was still pretty Goddamn hot so we’re safe for now.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

AUNT MAY SPIDER-MAN SPIN OFF MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone’s favorite super-hero’s aunt Aunt May is to get her own spin off movie, Sony announced today.

The studio which owns the rights to the Marvel superhero issued a statement saying that an Aunt May trilogy is projected wit the first film coming out July, 2016.

The statement reads:

Sony are proud to announce that we are continuing to wring dry explore the Spider-Man universe with a spin off film featuring one of the most beloved superhero relatives in history, Aunt May. This character, most recently brought to life by the iconic Sally Field, will now have her own adventures, foiling Betty Stevens from across the road, baking cookies and winning the local flower competition. All of this however is merely a cover for her real work conniving in the murder of her husband’s brother so that she can steal the baby Peter Parker for herself. She is a twisted evil character, who only comes to realize the errors of her ways with the awakening of the maternal instinct. And just to shake stuff up we’re going to make her black, or Chinese.

Aunt May: The Beginning will be released in 2016.  

SCRIPT LEAK: AGE OF ULTRON

 
 
 
Int: Avengers HQ
 
Hulk and Thor are playing chess.


Thor
 
Knight to Queen 4. Check.
 
Hulk
 
GRR. HULK TAKE KNIGHT.
 
Thor
 
Ha-Har. Bishop to King 3. Check Mate!

Hulk punches Thor through the wall. The doorbell rings. Hulk starts eating the chess pieces. The doorbell rings again. Iron Man appears from the kitchen.
 
 
Iron Man
 
Christ do I have to do everything in this place? Hulk, stop eating the chess pieces and go keep an eye on my spaghetti sauce but if you mess with it, I’m going to put on my Hulkbuster armor and give you the beating of your life.
 
The Hulk sticks his tongue out, rasps at Iron Man and stomps into the kitchen. The doorbell rings again.
 
Iron Man
 
I’m coming, I’m coming keep your spandex pants on.
 
Iron Man opens the door and it’s Spider-Man
 
Spider-Man
 
Hey. How’s it going?

Iron Man
 
I’m sorry, do we know each other?

Spider-Man
 
No. But we’re both super heroes based in New York and I’d like to join the Avengers.
 
Iron Man
 
Sorry we’re not accepting applicants at this time.
 
Iron Man tries to shut the door but Spider-Man puts his body in the way.

Spider-Man
 
Woah. Stop. I’m a really good guy and I think I would be useful.

Iron Man
 
If we have any giant fly problems I’ll be sure to call you.

Iron Man tries to shut the door again
 
Spider-Man
 
Look! I’ve brought my portfolio. Take a peek. It’s impressive. Honest!


Spider-Man hands his portfolio around the door. Iron Man takes it, shuts the door and reads the portfolio.

Iron Man
 
Yadda, yadda, captured bad guys, blah blah averted a kidnapping. Oh wait, this is impressive. Stopped a giant Lizard from destroying New York. How come I never heard about this?
 
Spider- Man
 
(From behind the door) I’m from the Sony pictures version of the Marvel Universe. I would have been from yours but I was sold for a chunk of change years ago back when nobody gave a damn about Superhero movies.
 
Iron Man opens the door
 
Iron Man
 
The Sony version?. Are you saying there are two parallel universes existing side by side.

Spider-Man
 
There’s more than two. I met a guy a few weeks ago called Wolverine he’s practically immortal and has these indestructible claws. He claimed he was from a place called 20th Century Fox.
 
 
Iron Man
 
This is all very interesting. Come on in, sit down. Have you eaten I’m making spaghetti?
 
Spider-Man
 
I can’t come in.
 
Iron Man
 
Why not.
 
 
Spider-Man
 
Well, I can but first you have to buy me out of my contract to Sony.

Iron-Man
 
And how much will that cost?

Spider-Man
 
They told me around 100 million. Probably more if The Amazing Spider-Man 3 does well at the box office.

Iron Man
 
I see. Why do you want to get away from Sony so badly?

Spider-Man
 
Well I just think it’s kinda stupid. We’re all superheros, we all live in New York and yet I can never work with, meet or make a reference to any Marvel character that isn’t contracted to Sony. It’s lonely being the only hero in the Universe. I want to make some friends and exchange crime fighting tips. Maybe go for a beer occasionally.
 
Iron Man
 
I see. That’s a sad story.

Spider-Man
 
I’m glad you understand.
 
Iron Man
 
You must cry a lot.
 
 
Spider-Man
 
Every day.
 
 
Iron Man
 
Well as I said I’d love to help you but we’re pretty full around here and we have plenty of guys with superhuman strength and this web slinging gimmick seems a bit flimsy.If you see that Wolverine guy again tell him to come over though he sounds great!
 
Iron Man shuts the door

Spider-Man

No. Wait!
 
 
 
Fin

NEW PLAN TO REMAKE REMAKES WHILE THEY’RE BEING REMADE

HOLLYWOOD – With originality as popular as ass cancer in Hollywood at the moment, studios have just launched a plan on how to make sure they never have to touch an original idea again: to remake remakes which are already in production.

An insider told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the industry wide plan, known by its code name ‘Double Whammy’: 

There are only so many remakes available because of the quickly vanishing seam of old films that were any good. We’re also doing TV shows and toys, games and comic books and films that weren’t particularly good, naturally, but even so sometimes there’s a gap in the schedule and some bullshit like Wolf of Wall Street or 12 Years a Slave slips through.

The plan looks to double the number of films that can be remade by remaking films which are already in the process of being remade:

We got the idea from the Amazing Spider-Man series at Sony. It works like this. Private Benjamin is currently being prepped with Rebel Wilson. Well, we’re going to piggy back the production with a remake of that version but starring Kate Hudson and we’re going to put it out in a year or so after the release. Ditto Point Break. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles already has a prequel in the works.  

The Blog-o-sphere has been divided by the news with the Geek-o-verse jizzing while people who like films redrafting suicide notes from 1987, before realizing the awful irony. 

Private Benjamin and Point Break will be released in 2015 to be followed in 2016 by The Amazing Private Benjamin and Point Amazing Break