TOM HARDY TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – After the announcement that Spider-Man is to return to the Marvel cinematic universe, early reports suggest that Tom Hardy is the number one choice to play everyone’s favourite web-slinger.

“We want an older, more worldly Spider-Man”, said producer Kevin Feige:

We love Tom but he before he accepts a role he likes to spend a couple of months experimenting with the character to determine if he can bring something new to the table. We told him we wanted him on board last November and we’re waiting for him to confirm.

According to a source, Hardy has stretched the limits of the human mind and body in his quest to create the perfect Spider-Man:

He spent a week super-glued to his living room wall and dislocated his pelvis trying to leap onto a moving car but that wasn’t enough for Tom, he wanted to go further so he exposed a black window spider to radiation and goaded it into biting him. He now has all the powers Spider-Man has and the only thing he’s struggling with is the New York accent.

Hardy was unavailable for comment but his agent issued the following statement:

Tom is currently on the planet Xandar attempting to repel an attack on the Nova Corp by the mad titian, Thanos. If he manages to wrestle control of the Infinity gauntlet he’ll be back a week on Friday. If not, I hear Tobey Maguire is still looking work.

JON HAMM TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – As more stories pour in from the Sony email hack it appears that the studio is looking to dispense of the services of Andrew Garfield and replace him with another actor.

Producer Scott Rudin and Marvel President Kevin Feige have exchanged a number of messages on the subject:

Hello Scott

We want Spider-Man back. What do you think the asking price will be?

We want an older Spider-Man. Audiences love that stuff so we’re thinking about Jon Hamm. It’s not official as yet but he’s been approached.

Kevin

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Hey Kev

I had a word. They said 500 million but that piss ant Garfield is contracted for another so he’ll have to be paid off if you want rid.

You mean the guy from Mad Men? That’s a bold choice. I hear he’s into some wacky sex stuff. You better check that out before he signs.

Scott

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Hello Scott

I looked into Hamm. He’s into sandpaper tubes and soldering irons, nothing heavy and nobody is pressing any charges. We did find this picture though. Can you get one of your guys to confirm if it’s real or not?

Kevin

Jon Hamm nude

 

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Hey Kev

Yep. It’s real. Apparently those sofas were made by a Mexican company that went out of business in 1997 but you can pick one up on ebay for around $300.

Scott