BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.
Spiderman No Place Like Home
The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.
By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.
The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West
But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.
The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.
SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS
LONDON – There’s a new Spider-Man in town and his name is Tom Holland.
But what do we actually know about this web-slinging Tom Holland. We sent our tingling spider senses FACT squad to London to find out something FACTy.
1. Tom Holland comes from a family of pie makers. His father Dominic Holland invented the meat and potato pie in 1987. Prior to this invention, you could only have meat pies or potato pies. But never the twain shall meet. At the time considered a revolutionary, Dominic has since become a household name. Tom continues to follow the family tradition, by eating pies.
2. In order to get the role of Spider-Man, the 21 year old actor trained as an acrobat and turned up to the audition climbing through the fifth story window. Unfortunately, he slipped and fell to the pavement below. Fortunately, 73 year old Mavis Tucker broke the young actors fall thereby saving his life, at the cost of her own. A price worth paying for a decent Spider-Man.
3. Although young, Holland has appeared in several big movies, including The Impossible, Heart of the Sea, The Lost City of Z and Two Girls and One Cup.
4. A feud between Andrew Garfield, Toby Maguire and Tom Holland was settled by a face fight in a deserted warehouse by the light of a petrol drum fire which left two of the Spider-Mans dead.
5. While making Spider-man: Homecoming, Robert Downey Jr would play jokes on his young co-star by leaving him messages that read things like: ‘You’re fired’ and ‘No, seriously. You’re fired. Get your stuff and leave’.
HOLLYWOOD – One of the largest cinema chains in the country AMC is considering letting customers play Frisbee during films.
AMC chief executive Adam Aron said he wanted to encourage so-called millennials to visit the cinema. Speaking to Variety, Aron said:
You can’t tell a 22-year-old to watch a film and not play Frisbee. That’s not how they live their life. We can’t just keep saying stop throwing Frisbees in the cinema if that’s what they want to do. They’ll just go elsewhere.
But he said he would have to find a solution that did not disturb other movie-goers.
We’re looking at a variety of options (if you’ll excuse the pun). We could have special non-Frisbee screenings. Or we could perhaps have nets that would section off one part of the audience from another. No one wants to get hit in face by a Frisbee while they’re watching a film. I understand that. But this is the future and we can’t hold it back.
AMC operates almost 400 cinemas in the United States, with more than 5,000 screens. In February the firm announced its intention to buy rival Carmike, which will make it the largest cinema chain in the US. But Mr Aron said young adults today were not visiting the cinema as much as their parents did when they were young.
The fact of the matter is we’re losing out and one of the reasons is that the cinemas are seen as boring stuffy places, a bit like libraries where everyone going ‘shush’ and people actually paying attention to something for longer than three minutes. I mean, fuck!? Am I right?
Frisbee friendly screenings are only the start however.
We have a whole series of ideas. Hip hop dance competitions, happy sacks, one of those pools with loads of balls in them. I don’t even know what they’re called, badminton… oh and my favorite… trampoline cinema. Can you imagine going to see Spider-Man Homecoming and going up and down on a trampoline.
What do you think of the idea of Frisbees in the cinema? Please use the comment box below to vent your indifference.