SPECTRE – REVIEW: Daniel Craig returns for what might be his final outing as 007 in an entertaining James Bond adventure.

James Bond is in Mexico and doing stuff and M says ‘What’s going on?’ and then a slimy political type from the last Mission Impossible film goes ‘I’m going to take over. You’re all complete bobbins’ and then Bond is suspended and then he goes off and does stuff on his own and it all connects to all the other films and Monica Bellucci is in black and goes ‘oh meester Bond’ and he goes ‘yeah’ and they do it and then there are car chases and there is Rome and then Austria and then Tangiers and Bond never flies Ryan Air and now he’s with that girl from Blue is the Warmest Color and she goes ‘touch me and I’ll kill you’ and he goes ‘okay’ but later he touches her and she doesn’t seem to mind, which is called character arc, and then there’s Christoph Waltz and he’s okay and he goes ‘back story back story unexpected (totally expected) revelation and boom goes Bond, several times.

Is Spectre the best Bond? No, but it is the most ordinary one and I liked that. It didn’t have the freshness of Casino Royale, or the weird production drama and scriptlessness of Quantum of Solace. Nor did it have the grandeur of Skyfall. It felt like an episode, but a good one and although it’s a long film with a bit of middle aged sag in the middle, I liked spending time with the character and his little alphabet soup of friends.

Six Stars out of five.

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It’s easy to get over excited when you’re a film critic. You get invited to a preview screening, they might throw in a few beers and a couple of slices of pizza and the ones who know the right people end up at a VIP after party rubbing shoulders with the stars and drowning their conscience in complimentary cocktails.

It’s all a seduction, of course. The PR company is James Bond and they’ve got their hand up your skirt playing your clitoris like a violin but even though you know you’re just one in a long line of disposable critics, you feel wanted, special and important.

So when you sit down and write your review you’re moist and misty-eyed. Maybe you should give it four stars, what harm could it do? Life is too short to worry about such triviality, blame the game and not the player..etc..etc..

Then again, if you give it four stars and it’s a major release, you might not get on the poster and not getting on the poster isn’t cool. Your employers like to see their name on a blockbuster billboard and you like to point it out to your friends as your shuffle past an advert at the tube station. You know it’s not a five star film and people on the internet might write silly articles about how you’re cheapening your profession but who gives a shit about those people? You’re the man, and if some lippy bitch calls you up on it, you can always say it’s down to ‘personal taste’ so let’s throw in that extra star and get happy.

Spectre is not a five star film. Giving it four stars would be an extreme act of Christian generosity and yet a bunch of professional critics have taken the dark path.

I could go into depth about the ridiculous plot devices, the changing accents, the stitched together scenes and the glaring green screen work but life is too short and many of you haven’t seen the movie yet. It’s by no means a bad film, but any critics that have bestowed it the highest honour should be treated with the utmost contempt. They’ve sold out, become another cog in the wheel of the cynical 007 advertising machine that is spewing out everything from fragrances to phones.

Sure, it doesn’t really matter. It’s just a Bond movie, a bit of fun, but I’m old fashioned. I like critics to tell the truth, no matter who is looking over their shoulder and though many brave souls still tell it like they see it, they are an increasingly dying breed but I urge them to keep fighting the good fight.