New York – A french bulldog has recently come forward claiming to have witnessed Louis C.K. jerking off in the green room of The Comedy Store in 2004.
“I was laying on the floor casually licking my own balls.”, said the Bulldog:
When suddenly, Louis C.K. unzips his trousers and starts jerking off. It was horrible, not so much the sight as I put my paws over my eyes but the sound of him thrashing and groaning I will never forget until my dying day. And what’s worse is I couldn’t leave because he’d locked the door! Well, to be totally fair the door wasn’t locked, but I’m a dog so how the f*ck am I going to open a door?
The Bulldog insists he’s been traumatised by the event and is disappointed that the public outcry has been so muted:
It’s time for animals to have their own #metoo moment. We need to start talking about what has happened and what is still happening in this industry. Why just the other day I was at my survivors group and a goldfish I know openly wept about being inappropriately handled by Kevin Spacey at a fairground in 1997.
Rumours of animals being subjected to abusive behaviour and the infamous ‘Casting Couch’ are nothing new. In 2001, the famous movie horse Pink Duchess published her memoir, ‘Grin and Bareback’ claiming she was preyed upon by several ‘Big name’ stars and executives during her early days in Hollywood.
Here’s a short excerpt describing one particularly disturbing encounter:
It was 1959 and I was on location in California preparing to film the movie Spartacus when Kirk Douglas asked me to go back to his trailer to go through a few scenes. I knew what that meant, but I was young, he was a big star and I was very ambitious so I nervously trotted over to his trailer, only to be stopped on route by Stanley Kubrick who wanted to reshoot a scene we’d done earlier. 16 hours and 72 takes later, an exhausted Douglas suggested that maybe we go through the scenes tomorrow and tomorrow never came. People always talk about Kubrick, the long days and endless takes but if wasn’t for his perfectionism, I’m pretty sure I’d still be able taste Douglas’ cock on my breath.
If you feel you’ve been affected by any of the subjects raised in this article, please contact your local veterinarian.
HOLLYWOOD – Stanley Kubrick still continues to have a massive influence on the world of Cinema today, but what do we really know about the director who brought us the Monolith, wrote Singing in the Rain and always directed films with his Eyes Wide Shut?
The Studio Exec FACT squad was sent to the archives to find out everything there is to know about the reclusive genius called Stanley Kubrick and this is what they found.
1. Stanley Kubrick probably wasn’t murdered (CLICK HERE for the theory). Although there have been many theories about his sudden demise, including ideas about the Illuminati being angry about Eyes Wide Shut revealing their secrets, the cause of Stanley Kubrick’s death look like being entirely natural.
2. Stanley Kubrick first made his name as a photographer in New York for Time Magazine among others. He first got the idea to become a movie director when he was holding a bunch of photographs together that he had just developed and by flipping through them saw that he had in fact invented cinema. Disconcerted that he was about fifty years too late, he decided to do the next best thing and reinvent it as a film director. He started filming noirish crime thrillers, but soon turned his attention to Lolita which he mistakenly believed to be porn. Ironically the same thing would happen on three more occasions with Spartacus, Dr. Strangelove and Barry Lyndon.
3. All Stanley Kubrick’s films are based on novels or short stories, even though Stanley himself couldn’t read or write and even had to have basic concepts such as ‘handle’, ‘discotheque’ and ‘cheese cake’ described to him by kindly friends. To choose a project Kubrick would cover himself in marmalade and have assistants throw novels at him until one stuck to his marmalade smeared body: hence the Hollywood phrase ‘Marmalade debate’. The Clockwork Orange was chosen because as a thin book – almost a novella – it lodged between his buttocks having been thrown like a Shuriken by Anthony Burgess himself.
4. 2001: a Space Odyssey was initially supposed to have much more dialogue and a voice-over, explaining the plot and the scientific background to the film, but Arthur C. Clarke had a very annoying voice and it was replaced at the last minute by classical music. The speaking monkeys from the first fifteen minutes of the movie were also scrapped and this footage has long been sought, as legendary as the Dr. Strangelove custard pie fight and the famous Full Metal Jacket animated sequence where Matthew Modine sings about Indochina to a bunch of curious chipmunks, later the inspiration for Alvin and the Chipmunks.
5. Stanley Kubrick invented the beard. Prior to Kubrick men could grow mustaches that they weaved under their chins to create the illusion of beardedness, or they used back hair brought forward, if they had no mustaches. Kubrick was given beard growing technology by NASA as a thank you present for faking the moon landing film. They also helped him film The Shining by providing him with real ghosts.
For more FACTS click HERE.
HOLLYWOOD- Following the release of the new director’s cut of Dr. Strangelove, the Stanley Kubrick estate has decided to release an alternate cut of the director’s 1960 slave rebellion picture Spartacus.
The cut will include an alternate ending which reveals a much more pessimistic view of human nature.
‘This is what Stanley actually believed would have happened,’ said a spokesperson for the estate.
At this stage in his career he was still under the pressure to make a Hollywood picture and Kirk Douglas also had much more power than even Stanley. Remember Kubrick was hired for this job while the film was already in production.
Other changes include:
- A sex scene between Laurence Olivier and Tony Curtis (Anthony Hopkins provides the moans and groans on the soundtrack).
- CGI gore in the battle scenes supervised by Peter Jackson.
- A tiger in the famous gladiator battle with Woody Strode, courtesy of Ridley Scott.
Spartacus: the Final Version will be released later this month.
I really don’t know why so many actors complain about Stanley Kubrick. Much like Alfred Hitchcock, he was quite simply the best director who has ever lived, and so was William Wyler.
We first worked together on a little picture called Spartacus, which sadly never got the commercial or critical success it really deserved. I was a Roman or something, and so spent all day sitting around in a toga with my sandals on waiting to be called, but it was well worth the wait. He’d put his arm around my shoulder, give me a couple of pointers like ‘all you need to do Neddy, is walk down the steps, turn to Olivier, and give the line: action!’
And that was it! You were off!
I’d walk down the steps, turn to Larry, do the line, Kubrick would shout ‘cut!’, give me the thumbs up, and that was it, on to the next scene.
I know that some people complain that he’d make them do endless re-takes, but I like to get it right first time, every time. You really do get to the bar a lot quicker that way.
It’s only because I kept calling Olivier ‘Larry’ and not ‘Crassus’, that my scenes couldn’t be used in the final cut. If truth be told it was quite a relief, as to this day I can’t believe that anyone’s watched Spartacus without thinking that it must be the worst film they’ve ever had the misfortune to yawn their way through. I tried to add some comedy to the final scene, by waiting until everyone yelled ‘I’m Spartacus’ then shouting ‘and I’m Sir Edwin Fluffer!’, but Tony Curtis was furious and pushed me over.
Peter Ustinov thought this was hilarious and told the story over and over again in his one man show for many more years than anyone cares to remember. I tried to make him shut up by hiring a hitman, but that’s another story…
BEIRUT – The Summer is here and hot and in the spirit of all things listy The Studio Exec has sweated over this amazing list for literally minutes: The Top 5 Sweatiest Films Ever Made.
1. Cool Hand Luke. Paul Newman sweats in a chain gang; sweats against injustice (taking them off here boss); eats 50 eggs; sweats eggy sweat; sweats some more; (I wish you’d quit being so good to me Captain); smiles and sweats.
2. Spartacus. Kirk Douglas sweats; his Thracian crew cut sweats; his dimple sweats; his thighs sweat and Woody Strode and Tony Curtis sweat with him; Charles Laughton sweats in a toga; Jean Simmons doesn’t sweat at all because she’s too prim.
3. Das Boot. The German crew of a U-Boat sweats under the water during the Second World War (one of the sweatiest wars in world history); they sweat; Jurgen Prochnow sweats; they are under attack and sweat; they are bored and sweat and fart.
4. Alien. ‘In space no one can smell you pong’ read the tag line as Harry Dean Stanton, Yaphet Koto and Sigourney Weaver sweat it up big time, when a sweaty Alien sweats all over the shop.
5. Apocalypse Now. In the sweaty Vietnam War, Martin ‘sweat pants’ Sheen is so sweaty even his cigarette sweats as he goes down a sweaty river of sweat that Marlon Brando has sweated out, having gone rogue sweating his huge buttery ass off: the horror, the horror!
Have we left any out? Do you disagree? Feel free to use the comments below to add your thoughts. They’ll be deleted before you can hit enter.