New York – A french bulldog has recently come forward claiming to have witnessed Louis C.K. jerking off in the green room of The Comedy Store in 2004. 

“I was laying on the floor casually licking my own balls.”, said the Bulldog:

When suddenly, Louis C.K. unzips his trousers and starts jerking off. It was horrible, not so much the sight as I put my paws over my eyes but the sound of him thrashing and groaning I will never forget until my dying day. And what’s worse is I couldn’t leave because he’d locked the door! Well, to be totally fair the door wasn’t locked, but I’m a dog so how the f*ck am I going to open a door?

The Bulldog insists he’s been traumatised by the event and is disappointed that the public outcry has been so muted:

It’s time for animals to have their own #metoo moment. We need to start talking about what has happened and what is still happening in this industry. Why just the other day I was at my survivors group and a goldfish I know openly wept about being inappropriately handled by Kevin Spacey at a fairground in 1997.  

Rumours of animals being subjected to abusive behaviour and the infamous ‘Casting Couch’ are nothing new.  In 2001, the famous movie horse Pink Duchess published her memoir, ‘Grin and Bareback’ claiming she was preyed upon by several ‘Big name’ stars and executives during her early days in Hollywood. 

Here’s a short excerpt describing one particularly disturbing encounter:

It was 1959 and I was on location in California preparing to film the movie Spartacus when Kirk Douglas asked me to go back to his trailer to go through a few scenes. I knew what that meant, but I was young, he was a big star and I was very ambitious so I nervously trotted over to his trailer, only to be stopped on route by Stanley Kubrick who wanted to reshoot a scene we’d done earlier. 16 hours and 72 takes later, an exhausted Douglas suggested that maybe we go through the scenes tomorrow and tomorrow never came. People always talk about Kubrick, the long days and endless takes but if wasn’t for his perfectionism, I’m pretty sure I’d still be able taste Douglas’ cock on my breath. 

If you feel you’ve been affected by any of the subjects raised in this article, please contact your local veterinarian. 


HOLLYWOOD – Social media was in shock this morning after Jabba the Hut was accused of sex crimes.

The Studio Exec caught up with Jabba to discuss the allegations.

Jabba. How could you?

Jabba innocent.

Don’t lie, Jabba. Two sand people and a wookie have come forward to say you acted inappropriately during a party. That can’t be a coincidence.

Jabba doesn’t know these people.

Oh yeah? And what about Princess Leia, Jabba. We’ve got photos and video footage of you with her chained up being forced to wear a gold bikini. They’re all over the internet. How do you explain that?

Jabba old. Not remember.

Not remember ? Bullshit. The rebels have searched your hard drive. They’ve found those pictures of Jawas. You’re going to prison, Jabba.

Jabba want to speak to his lawyer.

Netflix has cancelled Jabba’s upcoming stand up special.