REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN

REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN – Diana Prince and Captain Kirk win the First World War.

I have to admit that over the years I’ve become heartily tired of Superhero Movies. And that hasn’t all been Zack Snyder’s fault. The DC Universe has stumbled out of the gate and Sony are all over the shop, but even the slick Marvel machine has ground me down with its monotonous mash ups. So 2017 surprised me well and truly. First there was the Unforgiven of X-Men movies: Logan from that weary franchise. And now Wonder Woman arrives with an thrilling lead performance by Gal Gadot, a thumping score and some slick storytelling by Patty Jenkins.

We start on the secret island home of the Amazonians where Joaquin’s sister from Gladiator rules and Claire Underwood trains the troops. Diane is a little girl, like many in the audience, aspiring to take part. Grown into a young warrior, her life gets a bit of trauma and a call to action when Captain Kirk arrives crashing into the sea in a stolen German bi-plane. After checking out his undercarriage, Diane gets the urge to join the war to end all wars and fulfil her role, killing the god of war whose machinations she sees behind the carnage.

She Crocodile Dundees it to London, but here her confusion and fish out of water-ness has a poignant political point. Diane’s innocence exposes the ludicrous and craven reality of Europe at the beginning of last century. It’s a point that bears repeating and which utterly justifies the period setting. The action sequences are genuinely stirring. But – like Logan – the true superpower is giving a shit about the characters on screen. Something Jenkins and her cast achieve brilliantly.

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WONDER WOMAN TO BE THE LAST EVER SUPERHERO MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Wonder Woman is going to be the last ever superhero movie, it was announced today.

According to sources, Wonder Woman will be the last superhero movie ever made. Representatives from DC, Marvel and Sony met in a secret conclave earlier this week and decided they were bored of superhero movies as well. A spokesperson told the Studio Exec:

We wanted to go out on a high and this one is pretty good, so we decided, ‘Okay we’re done’.

But what about the other superhero films that have been made?

This is the wonder of everything being digital. We can just delete them. We don’t even have to bury them or destroy the negative, it’s just right button and delete. And it’s all good.

What made the studios decide to take this drastic action? After all you’re all making money.

Oh, money isn’t everything. We just got bored. I mean as executives we sit around and we’re adults and we’re reading these fucking comic books and having to pretend like we really give a shit. Plus we have really good directors and actors, talented folk and they’re getting sucked into this fricking superhero portal.

Gal Gadot said that the news was ‘typical’.

Wonder Woman is on release.

AMY SCHUMER BARBIE MOVIE IS NOT A STUDIO EXEC STORY

HOLLYWOOD – The story that Amy Schumer is to star in a Barbie movie is not a parody story written by us.

Amy Schumer is actually supposed to be appearing in a live action movie based on the Barbie Doll. This is a real thing and not something that we put out for shits and giggles. Hollywood’s gone so far beyond parody, the best we can do it stand still and hope they lap us. The Sony movie will feature Schumer in the role of the Mattel doll which has done so much for body image over the decades. In a way, we have to look on in admiration as Hollywood consistently comes up with ideas that we would have dismissed as too far out for us. Then again we could be wrong. The Lego Movie looked like a joke, but it turned out to be a really funny one. And intentionally too. So who’s to say?

Not us.

Barbie is set to be released in 2018.

SPIDER-MAN WILL BE IN GAME OF THRONES

WESTEROS – Following a deal between Sony and HBO, Spider-man will appear in the new season of Game of Thrones ‘because basically we want to put him everywhere’.

Marvel’s best-loved web-slinger Spider-man is to join the cast of Game of Thrones for an eagerly anticipated Season Six. Tom Holland who has taken over from Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker’s arachnid alter-ego swung into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about his new role:

Hi everybody!

Hi, Tom. So what’s this about Game of Thrones? 

I was so excited when I got the gig to play Spider-man. I grew up watching Tobey Maguire and reading the comic books. Hell, I grew up watching Andrew Garfield for that matter. But the fun thing about my Spider-man is that I’m going to be in a whole bunch of films, not only Spider-man ones. The next Captain America: Civil War for instance, but also Game of Thrones.

So how did you get the Game of Thrones role and who are you going to play?

I have been a huge fan of the TV series and also of the George RR Martin books. They are fantastic. I got an opportunity to talk to George and he told me that one of the characters is actually based on Spider-man, then we ended up having long conversations about how Spider-man might fit in to the Westeros Universe. Sony were dead keen because basically money. We’re in talks to appear in Fuller House and the Walking Dead too.

I see. 

In this season a lot of characters are coming back from the dead. Partly because of the necromancer and also because of the White Walkers. And one character who died very recently is going to come back because he got bit by irradiated spider. Can you guess who? No, you can’t huh. You know nothing Studio Exec! Huh? A clue? Still no?

Game of Thrones Season 6 will drop in April. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

COMMUNITY TO BECOME A RUSSIAN NOVEL

HOLLYWOOD – Dan Harmon’s nomadic sit-com Community is to be written as a thousand page Russian novel, the Studio Exec learned today.

Community ran for four seasons on NBC before finding a home at Yahoo! site for its fifth. With that season over, there have been many rumors about the possibility of a motion picture or another season, or indeed both. However, the Studio Exec has learned that the show will be written as an epic Russian novel. At the moment it isn’t certain which Russian novelist will have the privilege of chronicling  the next adventures of Greendale Community College and its zany students and faculty, but many believe that Fyodor Dostoevsky, a long running fan of the show, would be a perfect fit.

Xavier Poulis, a Swiss TV expert who writes for cultural quarterly Chapeau, told the Exec:

Dostoevsky  has to be the front runner, but I wouldn’t entirely rule out Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, the writer of Cancer Ward and the Gulag Archipelago. Although both have a tendency to serious and quite depressing subject matters,  Solzhenitsyn does have the advantage of only being quite recently dead, dying in 2008 whereas Dostoevsky has been dead for yonks more.

Harmon on his podcast Harmontown announced the news that Community would be make the leap onto the page with typical bravado:

When I first came up with the idea of Community and I wrote the original pitch, I immediately imagined the characters being on the Tundra and speaking in thick Russian accents. The studio head told me no and I didn’t have enough power then to resist, but now I am the master of my own destiny, in as much as any of us can be in this godless void, I feel only a Russian master can bring to life Abed, Britta, Jeff Winger, Annie Edison and the Dean to my full satisfaction. My heart was set on Tolstoy but I’d settle for Gogol, or a Vassily Grossman. Or even Bulgakov.

Cообщество will be published in 2016.

EMILE HIRSCH TO CAGE FIGHT AMY PASCAL

HOLLYWOOD – Into the Wild star Emile Hirsch is starting a second career as a cage fighter, and his first opponent? None other than former Sony Exec Amy Pascal.

The news comes following Emile Hirsch’s recent alleged choke hold of an Exec during a party at the Sundance Film Festival. Fight promoter Joey Knuckles spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I was present at the party by pure chance and I saw Hirsch’s move. His technique was exemplary and I thought to myself this guy’s got something. I managed to corner him later and I pitched him the idea of a cage fight. Apparently his film career isn’t exactly flying so he almost took my arm off.

What about Amy Pascal? Why did she agree to the fight?

Amy called me. As soon as she heard I was looking for an opponent for Emile she began ringing me five or six times a day. It turns out a lot of execs feel their pride has been tarnished. I mean physical and verbal abuse? That’s their job. So Amy has been in training – she’s had a lot of spare time apparently – and she is very eager to get in the cage and ‘kick that little boy’s ass’, as she told me.

The fight has ignited old rivalries in Hollywood with the actors all siding with Hirsch and the executives crowding round Amy’s corner.

So who is the favorite?

Well, they’re fairly evenly matched but wioth very different fighting stylesEmile Hirsch is known for his nipping and Chinese burns, while Pascal during her time at Sony was nicknamed the kidney punch Queen.

The fight will be televised on HBO at 9 pm EST. 

NEW ENTRY INTO GHOSTBUSTERS UNIVERSE

HOLLYWOOD – Sony have announced they will be releasing three films into the ‘Ghostbusters Universe’: an all female one, a male prequel and one featuring an animated dragon, ‘you know, for kids’.

An insider (not Amy Pascal) told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re very excited about the possibility of genuinely exploring all the different aspects of the Ghostbusters Universe. Of course, we had the animated series already. We just thought that was like a spin off thing for the kids, but it turns out we were universe building even back then.

Can you tell us anything about the new film?

Of course, How to Train Your Ghost Dragon will see Venkman Jr. befriend a ghost dragon which his dad and his pals are trying to bust. Venkman Jr. learns to fly the ghost dragon and in the end there is a mutual understanding as the two outsider find a common bond, protecting New York from another ghost who really is a bastard.

How did you come up with the idea?

Well, we were in talks with Dreamworks about doing a co-production on something and they had this script for How to Train Your Dragon 3, but they weren’t 100 percent happy with it. They felt the quality was really falling off and it was going to be difficult to hook audiences for the third time around. Then someone – and to this day we don’t know who – said Ghostbusters, really quiet like. It was magical, we all actually heard a ca-ching! sound like God was blessing us. With money.

How to Train your Ghost-Dragon will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

AMY PASCAL JOINS THE STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – Sony Executive and email writer-strordinaire Amy Pascal has joined the Studio Exec team, expressing her relief to finally find a job ‘which is genuinely important’.

Amy took time out from her busy schedule of interviews to speak with her new employer The Studio Exec.

Frankly SE, I’m relieved. When I worked at Sony, the pressure was unbelievable. You had to work up enthusiasm for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and pretend Seth Rogen was the new John Belushi. It was soul destroying. And then there was the constant danger of being strangled to death by Emile Hirsch.

Jesus!

Yeah. I know.

How did it feel being fired?

Of course it was upsetting at the time, but I also had a list of things I wanted to do if I left and at the top of that list it was to write for a genuinely subversive and hilarious satire blog.

Great.

Unfortunately, The Onion weren’t hiring so I came over to you.

Whoa!

I’m kidding. I kid.

Not funny, Amy.

Okay so I’m already fitting in.

Hey hurtful. Not cool.

There I go again. I thought you’d like it. Mixing it up with the boys here.

Yeah well, if we’d wanted an asshole we would have hired Scott Rudin.

Okay, okay, gotcha.

So Amy what’s your first column going to be about?

It’s going to be called Kim Jong Un is Big Fat Whiny Bitch.

Amy Pascal’s new column will be published every Sunday on www.thestudioexec.com

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has been one of the most startling and confusing incidents of last year and the Studio Exec FACT squad have been on the case behind the firewall and under the radar.

1. North Korea are responsible for the Sony Hack. The DPRK were angered by the James Franco/Seth Rogen ‘comedy’ The Interview because of the way it ridiculed the country’s leader Kim Jong-un.

2. A Sony insider is responsible for the Sony Hack. The ex-employee was angered by lay offs that Sony had recently carried out.

3. President Obama is responsible for the Sony Hack to distract the liberal mainstream media from the conspiracy that caused deaths in Benghazi.

4. Seth Rogen and James Franco are responsible for the Sony Hack because they wanted to boost business for what is a tediously dull frat boy comedy.

5. I am responsible for the Sony Hack because Sony are shit and one of the shittest things that they have done beyond their normally shit things is obviously  The Interview.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

KATE MIDDLETON’S ROYAL TWINS TO BE CALLED SONY AND KIM

LONDON – Pregnant British royal Kate Middleton will use the twins to save the day from the escalating tensions between Sony Pictures and North Korea.

Maybe in a bid to show the old gal it’s time for another woman to lead the Commonwealth, Prince William’s lady wife Kate Middleton announced she will single-handedly resolve the conflict over Hollywood comedy The Interview by naming their brewing twins Sony and Kim in honor of the electronics giants and its current nemesis, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The effort, she feels, will significantly dampen the current climate of anger and mistrust by immortalizing those two names side by side for eternity.

Prince William, speaking EXCLUSIVELY with The Studio Exec, explained the Royal decision.

Britain civilized the world, and will keep doing so for as long as it takes. Luckily, Kanye West gave his spawn such a colossally ridiculous handle that no other baby name henceforth will ever sound idiotic. That left us free to use our own progeny in forcing those two entities to stop acting like Kanye on his honeymoon and look at the bigger picture: A Seth Rogen comedy is no laughing matter, but for far different reasons.

The next in line to the throne declined to comment on how this decision would impact their son George, whom sources inside Buckingham palace say is already planning a use of his future siblings to swede the film at the center of this whole situation. Prince William did however convey his satisfaction with the pregnancy so far, citing the positive impact the twins are having on the “other twins”.

No word yet on possible terrorism threats from the alleged hackers to stop Kate from releasing the twins.

 

NORTH KOREA NATIONAL DEFENCE COMMISSION STATEMENT IN FULL

HOLLYWOOD – The North Korean National Defence Commission issued a statement in response to President Obama and the FBI’s contention that they sponsored the Sony hack.

This is the statement in full:

Strange thing that happened in the heart of the U.S., the ill-famed cesspool of injustice, is now afloat in the world as shocking news. Sony the biggest producer of film and movie things has been hacked by the righteous opponents of Terrorist film, The Interview. President Obama is doing things, pulling off people who had nothing to with it and Mike Myers the Austin Powers man who plays his own nemesis was on SNL, proving once more that the funny things that come out from the front of his face are not as funny as he thought they were when he sat on his own in a room and thought about funny face front spewings. The US have sunk in their quagmire.

All of this came about because James Franco and Seth Rogen made a filmogram which viciously and evilly attacked the supreme leader of a sovereign nation – we’re talking Kim Jong-un here in case you were thinking, ‘what?’ First off, Pineapple Express was totally awesome and the DPRK would be totally blissful if they were to make a sequel of the stoner comedy highlight entertainment. But, no. Instead, they use their powers for comedy good, for political evil and make The Interview. We know for a fact that President Barack Obama directed the film in person, and even had his own chair with ‘Director – Barack Obama’ written on the back, for reals. This film includes a very funny scene of Seth Rogen sticking something up his posterior seat. If only Mr. Rogen had stuck up more things up his posterior seat and spent less time trying to make the commentary on the politics he knows nothing about.

Fortunately, film distributors in all the US states including Canada, which is the biggest US state, have banned the film, because they didn’t think it was any good. Likewise Sony have withdrawn it and this is all because of the work of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Pratt can expect a nice big pie being brought to his room along with flowers of his choosing, courtesy of North Korea and the NBA’s Dennis Rodman.

The best thing that everyone could do now is like chill and stop with the who hacked who and all that confusion and worry. We at the DPRK are willing to let the things that go by to continue to have gone by without calling them back, if Sony agree to make a new Police Academy movie starring our Supreme Leader, side-by-side with Steve Guttenberg, but Steve Guttenberg will now have to be the sidekick. Because that is only what is right. Denis Rodman can do funny noises with his mouth and Chris Pratt can be in it too.

The U.S. should reflect on its evil doings that put itself in such a trouble, apologize to the Koreans and other people of the world and should not dare pull off others.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

SONY GREEN LIGHT THREE NEW KIM JONG-UN BIOPICS

HOLLYWOOD – Sony are rushing three biopics about the life of our glorious leader Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Commander of North Korea, into production in the hope that this will appease the Guardians of Peace.

A spokesperson for Sony said that they had known nothing about The Interview and don’t even think it actually got made. She told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

You know Seth and James both toke the medical marijuana, so there’s a good chance they just smoked the budget and stayed in bed and then pretended to do the film. Those production stills look like Photoshop to me. Anyway that’s all bridge under the water now. What I want to talk about is how excited and thrilled we are to be making something that is finally going to give the world a more balanced view of Kim Jong-Un who, here at Sony, we revere kind of like a God.

So what films are in production?

We have Young Jong. This is going to be a co-production with Pixar and will feature the voice talent of Zac Efron as the Divine Leader when he was only a child. Here we’ll see how Jong was worshipped by his classmates and teachers and how he helped an old man fly a house with balloons.

That sounds like Up.

Yeah, we used some of the Up footage and out takes, but in this version the old man will largely be a passenger and it’s Jong-Un who does everything, as actually happened in real reality.

What else you got?

Next up we have Daniel Day Lewis in a new film directed by Steven Spielberg called Jong-Un. This is more a worthy historical biopic which will show Jong-Un in the crisis period of his life when his father was on the verge of death.

Will Daniel Day Lewis be employing his usual method technique to portray Jong-Un?

He already has been. You remember this year when no one had seen Jong-Un for a few months and then he came back but he was limping… well, I better not say anything else, but he was limping with his left foot, if you catch my drift.

Got it. And finally…?

And finally we have The Expendables 4. Kim Jong-Un has always been a big Sylvester Stallone fan and Stallone is making a new Expendables film but this time the ageing  mercenaries are called by a new charismatic leader to go to war with the evil empire of South Korea. Sylvester and Statham don’t have much to do in this film. They’re captured in the first act and it’s Kim Jong-Un who does all the fighting, killing literally millions and millions of people in an attempt to rescue them.

For more on  the Sony Hack READ HERE.

DENNIS RODMAN CALLED IN TO NEGOTIATE WITH NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Basketball star and Kim Jong-Un BFF Dennis Rodman has been called in by Sony to help negotiate a cessation of hostilities and to ‘normalise’ relations between the media corporation and North Korea, guest contributor Anthony Langlois writes.

With Sony having sustained yet another kick in the berries following threats of terrorist acts by the alleged Hackers that led to cancelling the New York Premier of The Interview, the media giant felt it was time to break out the Nuclear option: get Dennis Rodman involved.

The notorious NBA bad boy and friend to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un announced via social media that he was once again on his way to visit the so-called dictator, in hopes that a friendly game of Horse between the two could lead to brokering peace and end the recent string of events that left Sony feeling like Heisenberg just knocked on its door.

“I didn’t do dick for Kenneth Bae,” Rodman wrote on his Facebook page, “But I can sure get Spider-man out of a Jam”.

The latter comment quickly sparked on-line speculations that the former B-Ball player was looking to score a part in the studio’s upcoming Sinister Six movie. However The Studio Exec reached out to a Sony insider who commented on the condition of anonymity, or until the next hack leaks it, that last they checked Hell was still pretty Goddamn hot so we’re safe for now.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

SONY PLANS THE INTERVIEW TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Seth Rogen’s film The Interview is to be followed by a further two films to complete a trilogy, Sony announced today, surprisingly not via a hacked email.

A spokesperson for the studio said that initially Sony had been lukewarm about the film and neither Seth Rogen nor James Franco had been keen on a follow up:

This was to be a one off political satire, but following all the stress that we’ve gone through courtesy of Guardians of the Peace, a North Korean cyber attack, we thought f*ck it, we might as well go for it now, if only to piss those bastards off.

 The remarkably candid spokesperson went on:

You see what the hack represents isn’t some freedom of speech thing like Wikileaks or Edward Snowden. Nor is it some exercise in web freedom and subversion. No, rather this is a form of censorship via extortion. They are basically saying don’t go after us or we can sabotage your entire operation. And if we let it go at that, then what other regime might try similar tactics? When will we get a satirical film about China’s human rights record or Russia’s? Or for that matter a documentary or serious drama? So that’s why we say, listen here Kim Jong Un, you asshole, stop behaving like a dick, or we’re just going to keep getting Franco and Rogen to go after you again and again.

The Interview: Kim Jong Un  will be followed by The Interview: Kim Jong Deux and The Interview: Kim Jong Trois, released in 2015 and 2016 respectively.