HOLLYWOOD – Sony are rushing three biopics about the life of our glorious leader Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Commander of North Korea, into production in the hope that this will appease the Guardians of Peace.
A spokesperson for Sony said that they had known nothing about The Interview and don’t even think it actually got made. She told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
You know Seth and James both toke the medical marijuana, so there’s a good chance they just smoked the budget and stayed in bed and then pretended to do the film. Those production stills look like Photoshop to me. Anyway that’s all bridge under the water now. What I want to talk about is how excited and thrilled we are to be making something that is finally going to give the world a more balanced view of Kim Jong-Un who, here at Sony, we revere kind of like a God.
So what films are in production?
We have Young Jong. This is going to be a co-production with Pixar and will feature the voice talent of Zac Efron as the Divine Leader when he was only a child. Here we’ll see how Jong was worshipped by his classmates and teachers and how he helped an old man fly a house with balloons.
That sounds like Up.
Yeah, we used some of the Up footage and out takes, but in this version the old man will largely be a passenger and it’s Jong-Un who does everything, as actually happened in real reality.
What else you got?
Next up we have Daniel Day Lewis in a new film directed by Steven Spielberg called Jong-Un. This is more a worthy historical biopic which will show Jong-Un in the crisis period of his life when his father was on the verge of death.
Will Daniel Day Lewis be employing his usual method technique to portray Jong-Un?
He already has been. You remember this year when no one had seen Jong-Un for a few months and then he came back but he was limping… well, I better not say anything else, but he was limping with his left foot, if you catch my drift.
Got it. And finally…?
And finally we have The Expendables 4. Kim Jong-Un has always been a big Sylvester Stallone fan and Stallone is making a new Expendables film but this time the ageing mercenaries are called by a new charismatic leader to go to war with the evil empire of South Korea. Sylvester and Statham don’t have much to do in this film. They’re captured in the first act and it’s Kim Jong-Un who does all the fighting, killing literally millions and millions of people in an attempt to rescue them.
For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.
HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Seth Rogen’s film The Interview is to be followed by a further two films to complete a trilogy, Sony announced today, surprisingly not via a hacked email.
A spokesperson for the studio said that initially Sony had been lukewarm about the film and neither Seth Rogen nor James Franco had been keen on a follow up:
This was to be a one off political satire, but following all the stress that we’ve gone through courtesy of Guardians of the Peace, a North Korean cyber attack, we thought f*ck it, we might as well go for it now, if only to piss those bastards off.
The remarkably candid spokesperson went on:
You see what the hack represents isn’t some freedom of speech thing like Wikileaks or Edward Snowden. Nor is it some exercise in web freedom and subversion. No, rather this is a form of censorship via extortion. They are basically saying don’t go after us or we can sabotage your entire operation. And if we let it go at that, then what other regime might try similar tactics? When will we get a satirical film about China’s human rights record or Russia’s? Or for that matter a documentary or serious drama? So that’s why we say, listen here Kim Jong Un, you asshole, stop behaving like a dick, or we’re just going to keep getting Franco and Rogen to go after you again and again.
The Interview: Kim Jong Un will be followed by The Interview: Kim Jong Deux and The Interview: Kim Jong Trois, released in 2015 and 2016 respectively.
A man who police claim to be the Sony Hacker has been apprehended by the police.
The man, who the police identified as Matthew Broderick, is believed to be the leader of the Guardians of Peace, a pressure group who hacked into Sony servers and have been releasing embarrassing emails and pirate copies of films onto the internet ever since.
Officer Whickles spoke to the Studio Exec:
I’m fairly confident we have the right man. He has priors. In the Eighties he broke into the Pentagon war room computer, the mainframe that controls the nuclear weapons and he almost precipitated World War Three. Since that time he has been a person of interest and when we saw what was going on at Sony we knew this had his cyber fingerprints all over it.
As for motivation, Officer Whickles was quick to discount the notion that the Guardians of the Peace were objecting to the release of the Seth Rogen and James Franco film The Interview.
It appears to be more complex than that. We have email correspondence between Franco, Rogen and Matthew Broderick which clearly shows the hacking and the story behind it were concocted as some misguided ‘viral campaign’ to promote the film.
Matthew Broderick faces up to three films with Reese Witherspoon if found guilty.
The Interview will be released despite our best efforts.