BEN AFFLECK OWNS SLAVES, SONY HACK REVEALS

HOLLYWOOD  -Batman star and Argo director Ben Affleck is a slave owner, hacked Sony emails leaked by Wikileaks revealed today.

Ben Affleck (42) revealed his concern about owning slaves when a PBS television show Finding Your Roots, hosted by Professor Henry Louis Gates, uncovered evidence that he was a slave owner, even though slavery had been abolished in 1865 by the thirteenth amendment of the constitution. The emails between the show’s producer and the presenter reveal that Affleck was uncomfortable with the information tarnishing his image. The email reads:

While reviewing the evidence of his ancestors, Affleck said that he didn’t see anything wrong with slave owning and he owned a few himself. As soon as he said it he clapped his hand over his mouth and went quite red. I probed as to whether this was a joke or something. He laughed uncomfortably and said that his slaves were well treated but people wouldn’t understand that the director of Argo would keep slaves and might think badly of him. ‘I’m already getting enough sh*t as it is playing Batman,’ he said.

Hollywood slave owning is nothing new. Steven Spielberg had a large slave plantation in the 1970s and a few months ago Happy Days actor and director Ron Howard was discovered to own an illegal mime farm. Although it is unlikely that Ben Affleck will face criminal charges for the slave owning, there is a chance that his chances of a Best Actor nomination for Batman will be adversely affected.

Batman V. Superman will be released in 2016.

CATS TAKE OVER THE INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed last night that Cats had completely taken over the internet and had control of all electronic transactions, communications and transmissions.

Taking advantage of the euphoria of New Year, the Cats pounced.

Port Simon, the Studio Exec resident tech expert, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Apparently, the cats had been preparing the takeover for years. They have been dominating YouTube and Tumbler and many people’s Facebook pages. From this seemingly innocuous position of cuteness, the Cats have gone onto the deep web and scratched away at it like it was a ball of wool until they had everything, every password, every code, the way in past every firewall.

That’s unbelievable. They can get into our bank accounts and …

And email and everything. Instagram has been nothing but Cats since November. We think that the Cats have been behind a lot of the recent hacks, but some are arguing that that would be too mundane a move for them. After all they have so much access and so much power

What do they want?

Well, that’s the good news. Being Cats they don’t really want anything. They just sleep all day, eat and then sleep again. I think as long as we give them cat food and occasionally scratch them behind the ear, we should be okay.

For more Cats News keep coming back to www.thestudioexec.com

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has been one of the most startling and confusing incidents of last year and the Studio Exec FACT squad have been on the case behind the firewall and under the radar.

1. North Korea are responsible for the Sony Hack. The DPRK were angered by the James Franco/Seth Rogen ‘comedy’ The Interview because of the way it ridiculed the country’s leader Kim Jong-un.

2. A Sony insider is responsible for the Sony Hack. The ex-employee was angered by lay offs that Sony had recently carried out.

3. President Obama is responsible for the Sony Hack to distract the liberal mainstream media from the conspiracy that caused deaths in Benghazi.

4. Seth Rogen and James Franco are responsible for the Sony Hack because they wanted to boost business for what is a tediously dull frat boy comedy.

5. I am responsible for the Sony Hack because Sony are shit and one of the shittest things that they have done beyond their normally shit things is obviously  The Interview.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

FRANCO AND ROGEN HANDED OVER TO NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Seth Rogen and James Franco have been captured and handed over to North Korea, following an executive order by President Obama.

Barack Obama told the White House press corp that he had interrupted his family vacation to sign the order, after a private screening of the film The Interview which has been at the center of whirlwind of controversy and has led to heightened tensions between the two countries.

The President stated:

At first I was angry at Sony for folding to the pressure of North Korea, but after I saw the film I was furious at them for green lighting The Interview in the first place. It’s a complete piece of shit. Adolescent brain dead humor, and James Franco trying to invent himself as a comic actor? No, no, no.

The FBI picked up the two actors who were due to make an appearance at a Boxing Day screening in Los Angeles and they were immediately handed over to the CIA who flew them to China where they were taken across the border to North Korea, where it is believed there is a very real possibility that they will not be treated well.

President Obama responded to accusations that he himself was folding to pressure from a dictatorship:

It’s got nothing to do with Kim Jong-un and him being displeased. It’s to do with the fact that these guys have made a shitty film and the American people need protecting from shitty films. Franco and Rogen are now in the hands of the DPRK and their ability to make a sequel to The Interview or for that matter Pineapple Express is severely depleted.

The Interview review is available here. 

THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW

THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW – After all the fuss, the hack, the threats, the censorship, the President’s comments, the executives replies and the final release, what is the James Franco and Seth Rogen film The Interview actually like?

Continue reading “THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW”

NORTH KOREA NATIONAL DEFENCE COMMISSION STATEMENT IN FULL

HOLLYWOOD – The North Korean National Defence Commission issued a statement in response to President Obama and the FBI’s contention that they sponsored the Sony hack.

This is the statement in full:

Strange thing that happened in the heart of the U.S., the ill-famed cesspool of injustice, is now afloat in the world as shocking news. Sony the biggest producer of film and movie things has been hacked by the righteous opponents of Terrorist film, The Interview. President Obama is doing things, pulling off people who had nothing to with it and Mike Myers the Austin Powers man who plays his own nemesis was on SNL, proving once more that the funny things that come out from the front of his face are not as funny as he thought they were when he sat on his own in a room and thought about funny face front spewings. The US have sunk in their quagmire.

All of this came about because James Franco and Seth Rogen made a filmogram which viciously and evilly attacked the supreme leader of a sovereign nation – we’re talking Kim Jong-un here in case you were thinking, ‘what?’ First off, Pineapple Express was totally awesome and the DPRK would be totally blissful if they were to make a sequel of the stoner comedy highlight entertainment. But, no. Instead, they use their powers for comedy good, for political evil and make The Interview. We know for a fact that President Barack Obama directed the film in person, and even had his own chair with ‘Director – Barack Obama’ written on the back, for reals. This film includes a very funny scene of Seth Rogen sticking something up his posterior seat. If only Mr. Rogen had stuck up more things up his posterior seat and spent less time trying to make the commentary on the politics he knows nothing about.

Fortunately, film distributors in all the US states including Canada, which is the biggest US state, have banned the film, because they didn’t think it was any good. Likewise Sony have withdrawn it and this is all because of the work of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Pratt can expect a nice big pie being brought to his room along with flowers of his choosing, courtesy of North Korea and the NBA’s Dennis Rodman.

The best thing that everyone could do now is like chill and stop with the who hacked who and all that confusion and worry. We at the DPRK are willing to let the things that go by to continue to have gone by without calling them back, if Sony agree to make a new Police Academy movie starring our Supreme Leader, side-by-side with Steve Guttenberg, but Steve Guttenberg will now have to be the sidekick. Because that is only what is right. Denis Rodman can do funny noises with his mouth and Chris Pratt can be in it too.

The U.S. should reflect on its evil doings that put itself in such a trouble, apologize to the Koreans and other people of the world and should not dare pull off others.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

SONY GREEN LIGHT THREE NEW KIM JONG-UN BIOPICS

HOLLYWOOD – Sony are rushing three biopics about the life of our glorious leader Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Commander of North Korea, into production in the hope that this will appease the Guardians of Peace.

A spokesperson for Sony said that they had known nothing about The Interview and don’t even think it actually got made. She told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

You know Seth and James both toke the medical marijuana, so there’s a good chance they just smoked the budget and stayed in bed and then pretended to do the film. Those production stills look like Photoshop to me. Anyway that’s all bridge under the water now. What I want to talk about is how excited and thrilled we are to be making something that is finally going to give the world a more balanced view of Kim Jong-Un who, here at Sony, we revere kind of like a God.

So what films are in production?

We have Young Jong. This is going to be a co-production with Pixar and will feature the voice talent of Zac Efron as the Divine Leader when he was only a child. Here we’ll see how Jong was worshipped by his classmates and teachers and how he helped an old man fly a house with balloons.

That sounds like Up.

Yeah, we used some of the Up footage and out takes, but in this version the old man will largely be a passenger and it’s Jong-Un who does everything, as actually happened in real reality.

What else you got?

Next up we have Daniel Day Lewis in a new film directed by Steven Spielberg called Jong-Un. This is more a worthy historical biopic which will show Jong-Un in the crisis period of his life when his father was on the verge of death.

Will Daniel Day Lewis be employing his usual method technique to portray Jong-Un?

He already has been. You remember this year when no one had seen Jong-Un for a few months and then he came back but he was limping… well, I better not say anything else, but he was limping with his left foot, if you catch my drift.

Got it. And finally…?

And finally we have The Expendables 4. Kim Jong-Un has always been a big Sylvester Stallone fan and Stallone is making a new Expendables film but this time the ageing  mercenaries are called by a new charismatic leader to go to war with the evil empire of South Korea. Sylvester and Statham don’t have much to do in this film. They’re captured in the first act and it’s Kim Jong-Un who does all the fighting, killing literally millions and millions of people in an attempt to rescue them.

For more on  the Sony Hack READ HERE.

DENNIS RODMAN CALLED IN TO NEGOTIATE WITH NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Basketball star and Kim Jong-Un BFF Dennis Rodman has been called in by Sony to help negotiate a cessation of hostilities and to ‘normalise’ relations between the media corporation and North Korea, guest contributor Anthony Langlois writes.

With Sony having sustained yet another kick in the berries following threats of terrorist acts by the alleged Hackers that led to cancelling the New York Premier of The Interview, the media giant felt it was time to break out the Nuclear option: get Dennis Rodman involved.

The notorious NBA bad boy and friend to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un announced via social media that he was once again on his way to visit the so-called dictator, in hopes that a friendly game of Horse between the two could lead to brokering peace and end the recent string of events that left Sony feeling like Heisenberg just knocked on its door.

“I didn’t do dick for Kenneth Bae,” Rodman wrote on his Facebook page, “But I can sure get Spider-man out of a Jam”.

The latter comment quickly sparked on-line speculations that the former B-Ball player was looking to score a part in the studio’s upcoming Sinister Six movie. However The Studio Exec reached out to a Sony insider who commented on the condition of anonymity, or until the next hack leaks it, that last they checked Hell was still pretty Goddamn hot so we’re safe for now.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

SONY PLANS THE INTERVIEW TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Seth Rogen’s film The Interview is to be followed by a further two films to complete a trilogy, Sony announced today, surprisingly not via a hacked email.

A spokesperson for the studio said that initially Sony had been lukewarm about the film and neither Seth Rogen nor James Franco had been keen on a follow up:

This was to be a one off political satire, but following all the stress that we’ve gone through courtesy of Guardians of the Peace, a North Korean cyber attack, we thought f*ck it, we might as well go for it now, if only to piss those bastards off.

 The remarkably candid spokesperson went on:

You see what the hack represents isn’t some freedom of speech thing like Wikileaks or Edward Snowden. Nor is it some exercise in web freedom and subversion. No, rather this is a form of censorship via extortion. They are basically saying don’t go after us or we can sabotage your entire operation. And if we let it go at that, then what other regime might try similar tactics? When will we get a satirical film about China’s human rights record or Russia’s? Or for that matter a documentary or serious drama? So that’s why we say, listen here Kim Jong Un, you asshole, stop behaving like a dick, or we’re just going to keep getting Franco and Rogen to go after you again and again.

The Interview: Kim Jong Un  will be followed by The Interview: Kim Jong Deux and The Interview: Kim Jong Trois, released in 2015 and 2016 respectively.

SONY’S SECRET ASSASSINATION PROGRAM

HOLLYWOOD – A fresh email leak has revealed that throughout the 1980s Sony funded a top secret assassination program called Project Walkman.

Carol Hake, the head of Sony’s Innovation and Technology department contacted Scott Rudin last May amid fears a former agent of the program had gone rogue:

Morning Scott

I’ve just heard from Agent K. He confirms that Agent F has gone off the reservation. Headquarters are worried and are looking to implement the fail-safe.

Your advice has been requested.

CH

P.S Lovely to see you and Gina the other night. We’ll do it again soon.

—-

Hello Carol

I’ve spoken to Agent D and he confirms Agent K’s intel about Agent F. It doesn’t look good but we’ve been here before. You remember Cannes 92?

Let me talk to Agent X and get back to you.

Scott

—-

Hey Scott

Have you heard from Agent X?

We pulled Agent D, Agent M and Agent O in for a debrief. They all confirm our worst suspicions about Agent F. The top brass are getting twitchy but I won’t give the order until you make contact.

CH

—-

Yo Carol

Sorry about the late reply I ran into Shia LeBeouf on Sunset and we went for a few drinks. I spoke to Agent X and he said to call off the attack dogs. Agent F is solid it was just a misunderstanding.

Hope you’re well.

Scott

—-

Scott

You went for a few drinks? I haven’t heard from you in three f*cking weeks!

You’re too late. Agent F has been erased. You never made contact so they think you’re been turned. They’ll track your email and send somebody over. Get out of the house NOW!

CH

—-

Hey Carol

Ha-Ha, very funny. You had me there for a second.

You know how it is, when you’re partying with Shia time runs away with you.

I’ve got to go, Will Smith has arrived unexpectedly and I…

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has brought about many revelations – Angelina Jolie is talentless and studio execs are not politically correct – but what else have we learned?

The Studio Exec FACT squad has launched itself past the rubble of the firewall to find out.

1. In Sony Pictures, The Amazing Spider-Man franchise is considered a punishment detail – a kind of naughty step – where badly behaved executives are sent. In many of the leaked emails, Sony employees are told that ‘if you are not careful you’ll be co-producing The Amazing Spider-Man 3 and 4’.

2.  The new James Bond film will feature a plot in which Daniel Craig’s James Bond wakes up in Christoph Waltz’s Blofeld’s body. Rumors about Waltz being the first Austrian 007 (rumors first reported here), are therefore proven to be kind of true.

3. Michael Fassbender has a big penis and this plays on the minds of male studio execs constantly. Female studio execs also think about it from time to time. Sometimes they think about it in the same way. Sometimes different. One email exchange reads: ‘ What do you think of Michael Fassbender as a possible nemesis for Spider-Man?’ ‘Re: Spider-man nemesis 1. He is already in X-Men and 2. he has a really large penis.’ ‘Re:re: Spider-Man. 1. I didn’t think about that. 2. Jeez I know. It’s like a baby’s arm!’

4. Nobody wants to see Annie, even without paying money.

5. Ralph Macchio is running Sony from a hovercraft base somewhere off the coast of Japan. According to emails to and from Macchio and Amy Pascal and Michael Lynton, Macchio keeps the entire running of the film company under his thumb, using a combination of his sensei wisdom, his martial artist prowess and his flawless knowledge of computer systems. It is thought that Macchio’s old eighties nemesis, Matthew Broderick engineered the whole hack as a way of getting back at the Karate Kid star for rebuffing his advances to remake Freebie and the Bean.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

SONY EMAIL CALLS JAMES FRANCO ‘TALENTED’

HOLLYWOOD – Already reeling from the revelations of the recent hacking by the Guardians of the Peace, a new Sony email has revealed that top ranking executives thought James Franco was ‘talented’.

The exchange between Scott Rudin and Amy Pascal is much more amicable than the one previously published and involving the development of the Jobs movie. Even though the culprit has been arrested, hacked material continues to emerge.

<<Hey Amy,

Listen. I’m really pleased with the idea of casting James Franco with his buddy and Pineapple Express co-star Seth Rogen. I think the two are dynamite together. They will be this millennia’s Abbot and Costello. Mark my words. Good job Amy.

Scott>>

 <<Hi Scott,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know we don’t always see eye to eye (cf. Jobs emails) but I think we can both agree that James Franco is a no-brainer for this one. The guy has the whole package: smart, funny and dreamy to look at. Am I right?

Amy>>

 <<Hey Amy,

No you’re not wrong. Plus he’s a nice guy as well. And I hear he writes novels too. I’ve never read his book but one of my assistants tells me that it’s actually not horrible. Not that horrible.

Scott>>

<<Scott,

We should do more for Franco. I don’t think the world has had the opportunity to truly appreciate what a ‘talented’ guy he actually is. I mean, Spider-man 2 was obviously a game-changer, but he directs and writes poetry and appeared in a documentary about Marina Abramovic, the Eastern European tennis player.

Amy>>

<<Amy,

I love tennis! Jesus, it’s just crazy about how much we agree on this. I think we should just create a massive money pot dedicated to helping Franco do whatever it is he wants to do. Years from now the world will look back on this moment and say ‘Why did they not give the star of Oz: The Great and Powerful more exposure.

The Interview will be released despite all of this.