BEN AFFLECK OWNS SLAVES, SONY HACK REVEALS

HOLLYWOOD  -Batman star and Argo director Ben Affleck is a slave owner, hacked Sony emails leaked by Wikileaks revealed today.

Ben Affleck (42) revealed his concern about owning slaves when a PBS television show Finding Your Roots, hosted by Professor Henry Louis Gates, uncovered evidence that he was a slave owner, even though slavery had been abolished in 1865 by the thirteenth amendment of the constitution. The emails between the show’s producer and the presenter reveal that Affleck was uncomfortable with the information tarnishing his image. The email reads:

While reviewing the evidence of his ancestors, Affleck said that he didn’t see anything wrong with slave owning and he owned a few himself. As soon as he said it he clapped his hand over his mouth and went quite red. I probed as to whether this was a joke or something. He laughed uncomfortably and said that his slaves were well treated but people wouldn’t understand that the director of Argo would keep slaves and might think badly of him. ‘I’m already getting enough sh*t as it is playing Batman,’ he said.

Hollywood slave owning is nothing new. Steven Spielberg had a large slave plantation in the 1970s and a few months ago Happy Days actor and director Ron Howard was discovered to own an illegal mime farm. Although it is unlikely that Ben Affleck will face criminal charges for the slave owning, there is a chance that his chances of a Best Actor nomination for Batman will be adversely affected.

Batman V. Superman will be released in 2016.

SONY’S SECRET ASSASSINATION PROGRAM

HOLLYWOOD – A fresh email leak has revealed that throughout the 1980s Sony funded a top secret assassination program called Project Walkman.

Carol Hake, the head of Sony’s Innovation and Technology department contacted Scott Rudin last May amid fears a former agent of the program had gone rogue:

Morning Scott

I’ve just heard from Agent K. He confirms that Agent F has gone off the reservation. Headquarters are worried and are looking to implement the fail-safe.

Your advice has been requested.

CH

P.S Lovely to see you and Gina the other night. We’ll do it again soon.

—-

Hello Carol

I’ve spoken to Agent D and he confirms Agent K’s intel about Agent F. It doesn’t look good but we’ve been here before. You remember Cannes 92?

Let me talk to Agent X and get back to you.

Scott

—-

Hey Scott

Have you heard from Agent X?

We pulled Agent D, Agent M and Agent O in for a debrief. They all confirm our worst suspicions about Agent F. The top brass are getting twitchy but I won’t give the order until you make contact.

CH

—-

Yo Carol

Sorry about the late reply I ran into Shia LeBeouf on Sunset and we went for a few drinks. I spoke to Agent X and he said to call off the attack dogs. Agent F is solid it was just a misunderstanding.

Hope you’re well.

Scott

—-

Scott

You went for a few drinks? I haven’t heard from you in three f*cking weeks!

You’re too late. Agent F has been erased. You never made contact so they think you’re been turned. They’ll track your email and send somebody over. Get out of the house NOW!

CH

—-

Hey Carol

Ha-Ha, very funny. You had me there for a second.

You know how it is, when you’re partying with Shia time runs away with you.

I’ve got to go, Will Smith has arrived unexpectedly and I…