ALAN SMITHEE BECOMES THE RESIDENT DCEU DIRECTOR

EXCLUSIVE – Warner Bros have announced Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director for all DCEU movies going forward. As Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director, we spoke to the infamous movie helmer to discuss this deal.

 

Alan, Thank You For Joining Us.

No problem at all. I want my fee up front for this. Or I don’t take off my disguise.

I Was Going To Ask About Your Groucho Marx Glasses And Moustache?

Look, the thing is, I’m famous for making bullshit movies. If you want something to bomb, you know who you gotta come to. You got a star that’s imploding, or no script as you head into production? I’m your guy. If the money’s right, I can even take a sure fire hit and direct it into the dirt. I’ll turn a money making blockbuster into The Green Lantern any day of the week. And those fucking Snyder obsessives know that. To be honest, they’ll hate on anyone that aint Zack, but if they see me, I’m in trouble. So hence the Groucho glasses.

Are You Directing All DCEU Movies From Now On?

Yep. The thing is, they tried your James Wans, Patty Jenkinses and of course Zack Snyders and paid them a shit load of money. But the great thing about me is, I’m cheap as shit. You know exactly what you’re gonna get with me. It’ll be a steaming turd of a film. But then again, most of them have been anyway.

So Warner Bros Know These Films Will Be Bad?

Yeah sure, that’s the beauty of it. If everyone knows it’s gonna be a shit show, we can cut our budget accordingly. We’ll make enough green out of those obsessive Snyderverse cult members who only go to piss their pants on Twitter about how shit it is. But who cares?! We’ll take any dumb motherfucker’s money. And if need be, I’ll have my name removed from the credits.

But Doesn’t Your Name Mean That’s Already Happened?

Eh? What the hell are you talking about?

Alan Smithee Begins Shooting The Green Lantern Vs Brainiac Next Spring

JUSTICE LEAGUE SNYDER CUT DETAILS LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – The Snyder Cut of the Justice League is finally coming out and we have the skinny.

The Studio Exec obtained details of the Justice League Zack Snyder Cut from industry insiders. Differences between the Twitter fanboy pinup, Snyder’s version and Marvel super villain, Whedon’s version are significant.

The industry insider told The Studio Exec, ‘The differences are huge man, just huge! In Snyder’s cut Steppenwolf will not be voiced by Ciaran Hinds but John Kay, lead singer of 60s rock band Steppenwolf. It’s born to be wild, man!’ The insider went on say, ‘Zack has reviewed the reshoots of Henry Cavell’s Superman wearing a moustache. He loved it. As a result, he’s CGI-ing moustaches onto all of them except for Aquaman. He will have his beard removed and placed on Wonder Woman. Because Zack didn’t like the light tone of Whedon’s cut, he has removed all the jokes and shots where any character smiles. He’s digitally darkening the whole print and has added 38% more rain.’

The mixed reviews and poor returns in 2017 prompted momentum to grow on Twitter among comic movie fan communities for the fabled Zack Snyder Cut to be released.

Our source revealed Zack Snyder doesn’t intend to stop at his own film. ‘He’s now going back over other flops in the hope of reimagining them and turning them into money making behemoths. Snyder is going to have a crack at Ishtar, Heaven’s Gate and Battlefield Earth. Zack loves working with Gerard Butler, so he’s got the lead male roles for all 3 films, taking both Hoffman’s and Beatty’s parts in Ishtar.’

HBOMax release Justice League: The Zack Snyder Cut in 2021. Good night, and good luck.