LONDON – Sources within MI6 have let it be known that they do not appreciate the new Sam Mendes directed, Daniel Craig starring James Bond outing Skyfall due to its ‘unacceptable levels of accuracy’.

The British Security Service has until now had a relatively warm relationship with the franchise, with one inside circular claiming that ‘78% of recruits credit James Bond with the reason they applied to join the service, and substantial evidence that the other 12% are lying’. However, when heads of the Secret Service sat down to enjoy a private screening of the film alongside producers Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli the cosiness didn’t last long.

One insider said:

As soon as the final credits rolled there were boos and hissings and one senior agent pulled down his pants and let out a loud fart. The main complaint was how close the film was to reality. Most of the Bond films represent a flattering fantasy, but Skyfall showed MI6 very much on the back foot as it is tormented by cyber criminal Silva (played by Javier Bardem’s hair). In the very first scene, they lose a list of all the embedded agents, well, we do that every other week.   

Daniel Craig’s Bond was also seen as overly true to life. ‘At one point Bond goes on holiday without filling out the usual P17/38(B),’ said an MI6 spook. ‘Well, I did the very same thing last week.’



Buggalugs Bond runs, jumps and falls in rivers in an attempt to save the Dench-ist from the hands of Anton Chigurgh.

007 is back! And this time without the invisible car. Although frankly there might be millions of them but we wouldn’t know because they’re, you know, invisible. Bond is helped in his mission by Tom Jones, Voldemort and Romantic poet, John Keats as Q. Plenty of fun to be had – out Bournes Bourne at the beginning, Batmans it in the middle and Harry Potters it towards the end – but in the end is his own loveable self. Bond films have never had to be any good but it’s a genuine treat when they are.


LONDON – Today on the release of Skyfall  in the United Kingdom, Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli announced that they are working on a breakaway project. ‘We have two main possibilities,’ said Michael Wilson. ‘But by far the most popular idea is that we’ll have M having her stand alone movie.’
‘And what will it be called?’ we asked, excited.
‘Erm,’ he said. ‘M.’
Judi Dench – when asked about the prospect- expressed enthusiasm. ‘Oh, definitely,’ she said. ‘Why should all the boys have all the fun?’

It is believed that Paul Haggis has already submitted a treatment. ‘Yeah,’ he said, when we asked him.

The story would begin before M met James Bond and would see her rise through the ranks of the British secret service fighting misogyny and the villainous Margaret Thatcher who is seen as a Moscow implant. Daniel Craig is expected to make a cameo as a little boy on a school trip.

M: the Early Years is due out in 2015. 


Adele often falls asleep on stage

LONDON – Radio play of Adele’s new Skyfall song, the theme song to the new James Bond movie Skyfall, (by the way there’s a new James Bond film coming out called Skyfall) has been blamed for a series of car accidents around the country.

Gerry Ogden was driving home from work when the song came on. ‘My eyes began to close and limbs felt heavy,’ Gerry said. ‘Next thing I knew I’d ploughed into an ice cream van that was parked on the side of the road.’ Fortunately, only the driver of the ice cream van was killed.

Madga Scriss said she was just listening to the lyrics about the sky falling and crumbling and was so confused by the contortions of sense and grammar she drove into a skip and was launched through the windscreen followed by somnambulant tones of the English singer.

Over forty seven separate incidents have cited the song as a major factor, although the police remain unsympathetic. ‘They were all drunk,’ said traffic policeman Al Jonks.

Adele responded to the news by laughing her head off.


LONDON – Plot details have emerged of the new and highly anticipated James Bond film Skyfall and Studio Exec can reveal exclusively that 007 does indeed buy a zoo.
In a secret screening given to Studio Exec we can now relate how the Sam Mendes film begins in a traditional enough fashion with a chase and 007 apparently receiving a fatal shot. But while M and the British Government have to deal with attacks from International Scientologist Javier Bardem, Daniel Craig as James Bond (007) goes to the countryside and accidentally buys a zoo.

There are heart-warming scenes in which the British agent learns about the real meaning of life via mucking about with hippopotami and laughing at giraffes and getting into all manner of mischief with a gang of red-assed monkeys, before having return to the secret service to save the world, but (and here’s Mendes’ stroke of genius) with the help of his new found animal friends.

The film is released worldwide in the next few weeks.


HOLLYWOODTerrence Malick‘s Bond film – previously known as Bond 25 – has now got an official title: The Glory Glory Hallelujah Missile.

The film will star Daniel Craig as Britain’s most feared super spy, James Bond, 007. Music will be provided by Estonian minimalist Arvo Part and the story will revolve around 007 sudden crisis of faith which he will only be able to rekindle by his relationship with a beautiful dancing woman who whispers about nature and reads from a brilliant translation of Heidegger.

The villain is to be played by Adrien Brody but it is unlikely that he will actually appear in the finished picture.

James Bond Vs Godzilla is due for release in 2015.