REVIEW: NO TIME TO DIE

REVIEW – With the long anticipated domestic release of No Time To Die, we tell you if you should like it or not. Read our review now to decide how you feel about No Time To Die. Tell your family, tell your friends they have to read this. They are incapable of independent thought.

No Time To Die

Clocking in at a bum-numbing 4 hours and 52 minutes, No Time To Die is the longest film in the James Bond franchise. But it’s still way shorter than Marvel’s Endgame and that made a shit load of money, so swings and roundabouts.

No Time To Eye-Eye

The starting sequence is a thrill ride of action packed references to previous Bond films. There’s a motorized Gondola chase, a racist red-neck Sheriff and a Zombie Judi Dench turns up to bend Pierce Brosnan over a desk to fist him as he squeals his way through The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.

No Time To I-Spy

The titles aint what they used to be. Long-gone are the days of naked women covered in fluorescent paint. And Duran-Duran warbling over the top, like adolescent Republicans at a Karaoke bar. These titles take themselves seriously, as does the theme song. Can anyone remember what the theme song sounds like? I can’t, and I’ve just watched the film. There are lots of musical references to previous Bond films. Alice Cooper’s Man With The Golden Gun theme is in there, as is Radiohead’s Skyfall theme. There’s also a reworking of the James Bond theme, played on guitar by Jimmy Page which lasts even longer than the film.

Dr No Character Development

The villain does a wonderful version of Crazy Little Thing Called Love from his glamorous evil hideout and Daniel Craig looks like a baked potato in a tuxedo. He’s ugly, but you’d still smother him in sour cream and push him into your face. But who cares about all of this because it’s Bond. So if you like Bond, you’ll go see it and if you don’t like Bond, you won’t go and see it. Either way it doesn’t matter. There’s far too much money to be made out of these things regardless of what we say or do.

No Time To Die Is Showing Somewhere Within 20 Yards Of You

ROGER MOORE WILL NOT RETURN AS JAMES BOND

LONDON – Roger Moore has definitively ruled out the possibility of his return as James Bond, when Daniel Craig finishes his current contract which will see him star in another two outings as 007.

‘I’m already too old,’ Sir Roger Moore quipped. ‘And in another three of four years time, I’ll be 87-88. Perhaps I could play his grandfather. Ha ha.’

I had no sooner started scribbling ‘Roger Moore confirmed as 007’s grandfather in new Bond film’ when Sir Roger’s hand gripped my wrist in a steely grip.

‘I was joking,’ hissed the no-longer twinkly septuagenarian. 

Although to be totally honest I have considered returning from time to time. I see what Daniel is doing, the running and the jumping, the having sex in the shower with women who have been abused since childhood, and I think, “I’d like a bit of that”, but then I notice he doesn’t ever seem to have time for a cigarette and when it comes down to it there’s not that much shagging.

So that’s a definite maybe?

No. Absolutely not.  

And what if Sean Connery…?

Then yes.

Moonraker 2 will be released in 2017.

ALAN ALDA RULES HIMSELF OUT OF JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – The rumors have reached a peak intenstity but Alan Alda gave what seemed like the definitive answer today: he would not under any circumstances be playing James Bond, 007.

With Daniel Craig’s tenure as the most famous British secret agent comes to a close, his replacement is becoming a hot ticket of discussion, but one name that was until now leading the pack has seen fit to rule himself out. Alan Alda told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he would not be playing the role even if it were offered him.

It is always very flattering to hear yourself considered for a role but I believe it is unfair to an actor who is still playing that role to talk about it. However, such has been the furore and speculation, I feel it’s only right for me to come out and say without any equivocation that I will not be playing 007, James Bond either now or any time in the future.

But why?

Several reasons. First of all I’m not British and I believe that being British, or Irish in the case of Pierce Brosnan is kind of important. An American won’t get it. Shouldn’t even try. Look at what happened when they went with George Lazenby the Australian. It was a disaster.

I see. 

And the other reason is I just think I’m too old for the role.

Oh come on.

No, I know. The role has always called for a more mature actor, but I’m 80 and the role is very physical. I’m pretty fit but essentially .

Alan Alda will be appearing as Jason Bourne in The Bourne Nap.

SPECTRE – REVIEW

SPECTRE – REVIEW: Daniel Craig returns for what might be his final outing as 007 in an entertaining James Bond adventure.

James Bond is in Mexico and doing stuff and M says ‘What’s going on?’ and then a slimy political type from the last Mission Impossible film goes ‘I’m going to take over. You’re all complete bobbins’ and then Bond is suspended and then he goes off and does stuff on his own and it all connects to all the other films and Monica Bellucci is in black and goes ‘oh meester Bond’ and he goes ‘yeah’ and they do it and then there are car chases and there is Rome and then Austria and then Tangiers and Bond never flies Ryan Air and now he’s with that girl from Blue is the Warmest Color and she goes ‘touch me and I’ll kill you’ and he goes ‘okay’ but later he touches her and she doesn’t seem to mind, which is called character arc, and then there’s Christoph Waltz and he’s okay and he goes ‘back story back story unexpected (totally expected) revelation and boom goes Bond, several times.

Is Spectre the best Bond? No, but it is the most ordinary one and I liked that. It didn’t have the freshness of Casino Royale, or the weird production drama and scriptlessness of Quantum of Solace. Nor did it have the grandeur of Skyfall. It felt like an episode, but a good one and although it’s a long film with a bit of middle aged sag in the middle, I liked spending time with the character and his little alphabet soup of friends.

Six Stars out of five.

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BEN WHISHAW OPENS UP ABOUT HIS FEAR OF SHARKS

HOLLYWOOD – Talented British actor Ben Whishaw is absolutely terrified of Sharks, he revealed to the Studio Exec today.

Although his hi-tech boffin Q is preparing to arm James Bond in the upcoming Spectre, British actor Ben Whishaw has confessed to an irrational phobia of sharks. He popped round to the Studio Exec Penthouse to explain himself more fully.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been morbidly terrified of sharks. If I’m in the ocean swimming and I say the tell tale dorsal fin of a Great White, or a Hammerhead Shark coming in my direction, I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I just begin to shake and my heart starts to race and I get this irresistible urge to get out of the water.

That’s terrible. What do you think caused it?

When I was a child, we would always go on beach holidays to Cornwall, first with my family and then with an elderly aunt. I was swimming with my brother and he started to make the music from Jaws, with his mouth. Du-num, du-num etc. You know John Williams. Of course it kind of freaked me out but just then a shark swam up from the depths and took his leg off below the knee. I don’t know if it was that, or perhaps it was the music but ever since then I’ve really felt uncomfortable being in the water while sharks swim near me.

The 35 year old actor first came to prominence as the poet Keats in Jane Campion’s Bright Star. Since then he has had roles in Cloud Atlas, The Danish Girl and most famously as Q in Skyfall. However, he hasn’t let his debilitating phobia effect his career.

The thing is there are roles I would have to turn down. Sharknado for instance. But even then I hear they use CGI sharks and I’m not at all scared of them at all. I mean they can’t hurt you, can they?

How about socially in Hollywood? How does it feel to be openly sharkphobic?

Elasmophobia is the technical term, but I feel fine about it. Once I opened up about my problem, I was amazed by the flood of support and messages that came from many people who suffer from the same fear. It turns out that almost everybody in Hollywood is elasmophobic except for Gary Busey. There are groups that meet and talk about it and there are even therapists who get you to confront your fears and swim with the sharks, but I don’t think I’m ready for that.

Spectre will be released on 5 November, 2015.

EVERYONE PREPARES TO LOOK SURPRISED WHEN CHRISTOPH WALTZ TURNS OUT TO BE BLOFELD

HOLLYWOOD – James Bond fans have been preparing their surprised faces when the inevitable revelation comes that Christoph Waltz is actually playing Blofeld in the new James Bond film Spectre.

Although the makers are being coy about the casting of Christoph Waltz, the chances are everybody already knows that Christoph Waltz is playing the famous recurring Bond villian Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the head of the criminal organisation Spectre, from which the new film derives its title. James Bond fan supreme C. told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re all very excited about Spectre following the success of Sam Mendes’ Skyfall and because it is introducing a key element to the Bond mythology. The name being Spectre there has to be Blofeld. Blofeld has been played in the past by Donald Pleasance and Telly Savalas, among others, and we think that Christoph… I mean whoever plays him in this version will add an illustrious name to the gallery of Bond villains. It is going to be a real shock.

Fans of James Bond and Star Trek will be able to use the face they wore to watch Benedict Cumberbatch reveal himself to be Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness.

Spectre will be released in October, 2015.

TERRENCE MALICK TO DIRECT BOND 25

HOLLYWOOD – Although Spectre hasn’t yet been released talk is already rife about the follow up Bond film, known simply as Bond 25.

Daniel Craig recently confirmed that he would be signing on for another two Bond films, which will make him the third most Bond of the Bond actors to have played Bond, after Roger Moore and Sean Connery.

A massive explosion of news on Bond 24 came with the confirmation that Terry ‘The Machine’ Malick will be taking on directorial duties for the latest installment of the most popular action franchises in cinema history. Malick first made his name with Badlands back in 1973 and then became notorious for the time between projects: there was a gap of some twenty years between Days of Heaven (1978) and The Thin Red Line (1998). 

Daniel Craig greeted the announcement with some confusion: ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. However, the producers have made a habit of taking directors from smaller independent films and giving them the reigns: Sam Mendes being the latest example of this.

Although Malick has not himself commented on this latest project, a spokesperson close to him said that ‘Terry is looking forward to exploring 007’s spiritual dimension. There will be guns, gadgets and girls, but there will also be whispered voice overs imploring an ineffable god for signs of grace as well as magic hour photography and perhaps even a dinosaur or two.’


Estonian composer Arvo Part has also been added to the team to provide a stirring minimalist soundtrack. The film is not due for release until at the earliest 2016 and so time enough for Terry (at his current rate) to make another 6 or 7 films.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ TO BE ‘FIRST GERMAN JAMES BOND’

HOLLYWOOD – In a casting move which shocked the world, Oscar-winning actor Christoph Waltz has been cast to take over from Daniel Craig in the role of James Bond, 007.

The news came from esteemed English newspaper the Daily Mail, which claimed that Daniel Craig had been ditched at the last minute, due to his insistence on inserting his own self-penned ballads into the script (for more on the Daniel Craig’s musical Bond CLICK HERE).

Series producer Barbara Broccoli told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Daniel has been a great Bond. In Casino Royale and Skyfall especially. The Quantum of Solace was hampered by the writer’s strike but that’s history now. However, as we approached the shooting of Bond 24, he began to express some concerns about the script. He’d seen Les Miserables and really liked it and wanted to put some songs in the film which he would sing. Unfortunately he had to go and luckily Christoph was available.

Why Christoph Waltz?

It’s a radical choice. We were thinking of Idris Elba and having the first black Bond, or even Carey Mulligan and the first female Bond, but in the end we decided to go one further and in casting Christoph Waltz we’ll be making history in having our first German Bond!

How is that going to work? Isn’t James Bond quintessentially English?

No, not really. He wants to be English but he’s actually part Scottish, part French. Why not also part German? And to think of all those inner demons he has to struggle with. It will add to his character. And the villain,  Sir Charles Falkland Islands, played by Hugh Grant, will use that to undermine him.

Bond 24 will start shooting in December and is due for release in 2015.

DISNEY BUY JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Closing a year that have seen the acquisition of Indiana Jones and Star Wars, Disney have gone on a last minute spending spree and bagged the 007 franchise as well.

The character rights of James Bond, M, Q and the longest running popular movie franchise will now be under the control of the House of the Mouse after Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli succumbed to an offer that was ‘just too good to refuse’.

Eon Productions issued a statement announcing the acquisition this morning.

It is with great pleasure and joy that we announce that Eon Productions and the rights to the James Bond series have been bought by the Disney Company. We are confident that this move will cement the future of the franchise well into the next century.

A spokesperson for Disney remarked:

We are delighted to have bagged 007 and we reassure all Bond fans that we won’t be changing this beloved twinkly eyed charmer at all. He’ll still be singing and dancing with cartoon penguins just as he has throughout his career as super spy and rescuer of kittens extraordinaire.

It  is understood that the takeover has happened in time for the next James Bond film, starring Daniel Craig and directed by Sam Mendes, to be released under the imprimatur of the Walt Disney studio. 

A Modicum of Whimsy is to be released in 2015.

CONNERY RETURNS AS 007

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Connery is to return as 007 in a new film, provisionally entitled Never Say Never Again Again. The film will be produced by Stig Pictures in direct competition with the Eon Productions official Sam Mendes directed, Daniel Craig Bond.

Barry Marbles, CEO of Stig Pictures, released a statement, which read:

For years Sean and I have talked about doing follow up to Thunderball, the rights of which have never been definitively decided. Well, he isn’t getting any younger, so the last time we were drunk, we decided if we were going to do it, we best do it straight away.

The plot will feature secret agent James Bond (Connery) being sent to a health farm by M (Helen Mirren) after a mission goes badly wrong. Here, he will sit in a comfy chair and reminisce to a sexy nurse (Catherine Zeta Jones) about earlier adventures, all of which will be shown in a series of flashbacks.

‘It’s going to be cheap,’ promised an excited Lee Tamahori who has been roped in to direct. ‘And, you know, quick. Three weeks tops. Which is two more than I used for Die Another Day. Ha ha ha!’

Never Say Never Again Again will be settled out of court.


SKYFALL 2 RUMORS

HOLLYWOOD – It was probably inevitable that – following the billion dollar success of the Sam Mendes action  movie Skyfall – producers would want to cash in with a follow up and that indeed seems to be the case.

Mendes, however, has ruled himself out: ‘I think that story is finished. I can’t see anyway of continuing with what’s he called? Bond? Yeah, I can’t think of anyway which wouldn’t be formulaic.’
Daniel Craig – the actor who introduced ‘James Bond’ to the world as well as the slop that was Cowboys and Aliens – begs to differ.
 I’m interested in the character and I think there are possibilities, things to explore. We can take him to some different places. Both geographically and psychologically.

The Studio Exec had the opportunity also of asking Michael G. Wilson who produced Skyfall his views:

Michael G. Wilson

Of course we’ll be doing another film. There’s always the danger we’ll repeat ourselves but it is a danger we will do out utmost to avoid. While still delivering something which is familiar to fans.

Do you see a possible trilogy or even a franchise?

I wouldn’t go that far. I mean who wants to go and see the same character doing the same things again and again. We’re not imbeciles are we. No. I’d like to see the next film called Skyfall Part Two in the tradition of the Godfather. And if I’m following the tradition of the Godfather I definitely want to avoid a third film.

Skyfall 2 will begin production early in 2014.  

MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL; WHO’S THE BIGGEST WHORE OF ALL?


“Does Art mirror Life, or is it the other way around?” is the question framed in one form or another by columnists with a deadline to meet and no cutesey, self-referential anecdotes about how Downton Abbey or something relates to their worthless, parasitic lives.  Let us put this matter to rest – at least as far as this corner of Cyberspace is concerned: ART MIRRORS LIFE.  There; I said it.  

The earliest known art-form – cave-paintings – depicted people hunting and the like: was that the spur that got Homo Sapiens off their hairy arses and picking up spears?  Of course it wasn’t; it was the representation of something that was already going on – and so it goes.  No hominid Moral Majority scratched their heads and expressed concern that these images would inspire a wave of copy-cat mammoth murder; they were simply reflections of about the only noteworthy activity in which our forebears indulged – pictures of people shivering in caves and starving to death might have been awfully poignant, but they wouldn’t put bums on rocks…

The people that make film and TV know this of course; you only need the slightest high-school massacre to have them spewing it at any camera put in front of them; but are the media’s “reflections” always accurate?

In a word: no.  They know that people prefer to see themselves at their very best than as they actually are: clever without being a nerd; concerned and thoughtful, yet not so much so that they don’t enjoy a laugh, now and then; well-rounded, in short – the type of guy or gal than anybody would want to hang out with.  Thus the films and shows that represent these qualities are laden with Oscars and Golden Globes; with Emmys and those lopsided BAFTA faces.

More people might have watched Here Comes The Boom than watched Black Mirror – but you can be damned sure that Charlie Brooker is going to get more wear out of his tux than Kevin James will (sweaty girth notwithstanding) when gong-time rolls around.  Similarly, while Skyfall continues to have millions queueing for vicarious, misogynistic crypto-Fascism, it looks like Lincoln and Les Mis will do rather better* in terms of trophies.

Yes; Art might mirror Life, but the Arts/Entertainment establishment don’t want us to have to really see ourselves for what we are: instead, the Awards shows’ glass shows us as good-humoured, compassionate connoisseurs of the best and brightest the Arts have to offer rather than a bloodthirsty mob of sentiment-drenched, viscerally-guided cretins with the unshaven face and yellowed eyes of somebody who’s been up all night trying to imagine what Megan Fox looks like while taking a shit. Ultimately, the baubles are unimportant: thanks to their shameless pandering, we are always the real winners.

*The Adele theme-song’s success illustrates this perfectly: it’s “classier” than pure pop, without being “difficult” like Opera or Classical.


Words by The Silver Fox
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STUDIO EXEC TOP TEN FILMS OF THE YEAR



HOLLYWOOD – As the year draws to a close Studio Exec gives his unbelievably brilliant Top Ten of the top ten films of the cinema movie year:

  1. The Avengers: is my number one movie of 2013. It’s witty and action packed, stuffed with special effects and loads of possibilities for ancillary sales and sequel rights. It might cost a fair bag of coin to make but flipside, we’ll be making other spin-offs with the least expenditure of original thought. And it made $623,357,910.
  2. The Dark Knight Rises: satisfying end to a movie trilogy that convinced even the most hardened cynics that Christopher Nolan is a great director of Puccini operas. In fact, for all the nit-picking about the film many people seemed to forget that the actual original idea was complete hogwash before Nolan made it convincing. Plus it made $448,139,099.
  3. The Hunger Games: showed young girls kicking ass in an intelligent piece of dystopian entertainment, which grossed $408,010,692.
  4. Skyfall: Bond came back and blew everybody away with bangs, bullets and Bardem, not to mention a billion worldwide but domestically $289,600,000.
  5. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: If only because it means we won’t have to put up with any more Twilight films plus it made $286,130,000.
  6. The Amazing Spiderman: gets especial kudos for being so original even the fans were saying ‘another Spiderman? Really?’ The film was boring and nonsensical and absolutely pointless, but it made $262,030,663.
  7. Brave: was shit but it made $237,246,988.
  8. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: was a flaccid waste of everyone’s time and there’s more to come. Having made $222,703,000, who am I to ask for originality, brevity, some sense of innovation!?
  9. Ted: managed the miracle of having many people use the words Mark Wahlberg and good film in the same sentence without a negative particle. It also made $218,665,740.
  10. Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted: I didn’t even see this (after all why would I?) but it did make $216,391,482, coincidentally the 10th biggest box office of the year. 

PEDRO ALMODOVAR: ‘I AM GAY’









BARCELONA – Spanish film director Pedro Almodovar finally put paid to rumors that have been circulating for years concerning his sexuality.
‘I’m gay,’ he told journalists, feigning surprise at the question. ‘I’ve never made a secret of my sexuality. Jesus Christ, look at my films.’

Journalists were horrified to discover Almodovar was not married to Penelope Cruz as many had assumed, nor engaged, nor dating, and she was in fact married to Javier Bardem, another Spaniard, who played the gay villain in Skyfall.

Is Bardem gay as well?
‘No,’ he said. ‘That was acting.’
Antonio Banderas is also Spanish.