HOLLYWOOD – Following his destruction of The Gambler, Mark Wahlberg has sworn that he will not rest until he has destroyed The Six Million Dollar Man as well.
Mark Wahlberg is due to star in the remake as Steve Austin (in the original played by Lee Majors), an astronaut who is almost killed when the experimental airplane he is test flying crashes and his body is rebuilt to the cost of Six Million Dollars! Now with super strength and super speed which despite looking really slow is actually really fast, Steve goes on to fight crime as secret agent, controlled by the mysterious Oscar.
Wahlberg turned up at the Studio Exec bungalow and started throwing his weight around.
I screwed up The Gambler, I screwed up Planet of the Apes. I screwed up The Italian Job. And now I’m going to ruin The Six Million Dollar Man.
But why Mark? Why?
Because I can! I’m sick to death of people telling me my films are rotten and I make a much better associate producer than I do an actor. I want to be taken seriously. And so I’m going to ruin a beloved TV show or remake a really good movie badly until the critics start taking me seriously.
Why don’t you just try and make a good film?
I did. I made The Fighter. But then Christian GODDAMN Bale got the Oscar. What’s the point? That skinny asshole! No, I’m going to basically hold the film watching community ransom until I start reading some good reviews. Ted 2 would be a place to start.
That’s not going to happen.
Then I’m going to keep at it.
Why are you doing this?
Because I’m deeply unhappy. Deeply. Can’t you see, I’m not a bad person? I just want to be loved. To be loved and understood. Jesus. Come on. The Happening was seven years ago. Please, can’t you just forget it ever existed. Please I swear to God, I’ll never make anything that bad again. Please. Can’t I ever be forgiven? I associate produced Entourage. That has to count for something!?
Six Million Dollar Man will be released in 2016.