JJ ABRAMS PROJECT MANAGEMENT LAUNCHES

Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.

 

JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?

First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.

 

So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?

Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.

 

So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?

Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?

 

Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?

Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?

 

Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?

Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.

 

But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.

That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?

The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 6 GETS TITLE AND FIRST IMAGES

HOLLYWOOD – Mission Impossible 6 title and first images revealed.

Starring Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible 6’s director Christopher McQuarrie unveiled the title and an early image from the new instalment.  McQuarrie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

The fuse is lit. And I can reveal the title of the new movie Is M:I 6: The Mummy! We’re going in a totally new direction. We’ve had enough of spies and espionage and all that. we’ve already got Jason Bourne and James Bond. So we thought we’d take it in a different direction. Into the supernatural.

Wait so you mean The Mummy is a Mission Impossible film?

What? No. I mean Mission Impossible 6 will follow Ethan and Benji and his team to Egypt where they originally think they’re just going to enjoy some down time. That’s until Benji (played by Simon Pegg) bungles onto the tomb of a cursed pharaoh and in the process unleashes an ancient curse. Then they go back to London. Big mistake!

But this sounds just like The Mummy?

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Mission Impossible 6: The Mummy will be released in 2018.

STAR TREK BEYOND DIRECTOR: ‘TRIBBLES ARE GAY’

HOLLYWOOD – Star Trek Beyond director insists that Tribbles are gay.

Following the announcement that Sulu is gay, Justin Lin, the director of Star Trek Beyond, has revealed that another Star Trek favorite, the Tribbles, are also gay.

It’s one of those things that we talked about from the very beginning. Let’s open up about the sexuality of all the elements of the Star Trek universe. Sulu seemed obviously gay to us, Scotty is bi-sexual, Kirk is definitely Bi. I mean he’s basically pan-sexual. And of course the Tribbles are very gay.

George Takei once more responded negatively to the news:

I’m the only gay in the village.

Simon Pegg and William Shatner however welcomed the news as a positive development. Shatner told the Studio Exec:

I love what they’re doing with the universe. They’re bringing it up to date in a way that is admirable. After all the future can’t be more old fashioned than the present. Chris Pine for instance looks old fashioned to me. I like the kid, but he isn’t ‘with it’ as the kids say. Maybe it’s be better if TJ Hooker took over. I don’t know. It’s not my place to say.

Simon Pegg told the Studio Exec that Tribbles were a perfect example of LGBT rights.

They’re in a single sex relationship but they have complete equality, including reproduction rights.

Star Trek Beyond is in theaters.

STARSHIP ENTERPRISE DESTROYED AGAIN: ‘SAFETY ISSUES’

HOLLYWOOD – The USS Enterprise NCC-1701 has been destroyed again, Star Fleet revealed today.

The space ship the USS Enterprise has once more been destroyed. The deep space exploration vessel has been destroyed several times in the past, but has always been rebuilt and refitted. Usually commanded by Captain Kirk it was initially commanded by Captain Pike and Captain Spock had a short stint as a commander before then Admiral Kirk took over and destroyed the ship again. Captain Jean-Luc Picard had been the last captain to destroy the ship until the arrival of a new Captain Kirk who quickly got on with the job of destroying the Starship Enterprise.

A spokesperson for Star Fleet spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact that this space ship keeps getting destroyed is an area of concern for us. There have to be serious safety issues. We’ve had this before. We did a statistical analysis and we found a surprisingly high casualty rate among any crew member who wore a red shirt. We changed all the shirts to mauve and the numbers changed accordingly. Maybe we should think about renaming the Enterprise. After all, it’s not the f*cking Death Star.

The Starship Enterprise can be seen blowing up in Star Trek Beyond.

SIMON PEGG: ‘THE JOLLY BASTARDS ONCE MORE AT LARGE’

HOLLYWOOD – The British Ex-Pat actors club – The Jolly Bastards – is once more active, according to Simon Pegg.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec the Star Trek and Shaun of the Dead actor Simon Pegg has revealed how the British ex-pat bad behavior club ‘The Jolly Bastards’ has once more been reconvened:

The Jolly Bastards is meeting once more in Los Angeles and has opened branches also in New York and Toronto. They get together and spread mayhem, sometimes leading directly to the damage of property and the loss of life and then escape any kind of punishment because they have such lovely accents.

Historically the Jolly Bastards were at the height of their powers in the 1980s with the likes of Rupert Everett, Charles Dance and Helena Bonham Carter ruling the Den as den mother. Following several high-profile murders in which members of the Jolly Bastards were actually found at the crime scene their hands ‘dipped in ruby gore’, as the police report stated, no one was charged due to ‘a great way with words’. More recently however fears have grown that the Jolly Bastards have returned. Benedict Cumberbatch is suspected of JB activities and when Tom Hiddleston kicked the head off of a swan in London two years ago, the Jolly Bastards were once more blamed. Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones is supposed to be the new den mother with her lackeys committing crimes at her villainous behest.

Simon Pegg has long been outspoken about the activities of compatriots but ‘only because I want to join’ as he admitted to the Studio Exec.

FIRST LOOK AT TOM CRUISE IN MUMMY REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – The first sneak peek has been leaked of Tom Cruise in the new Mummy reboot apparently titled Mummy Impossible.

The Tom Cruise version will be a mash up of the original Universal Mummy franchise and the highly successful Mission: Impossible series. As well as the diminutive Cruise, Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames are expected to star  alongside Brendon Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah and Arnold Vosloo.

Tiny Thetan Tom popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about the new mash up:

This is going to be great. What we’re looking at is actually a prequel. I play Ethan Hunt’s grandfather Jeremiah Hunt who is a tall explorer in Ancient Egypt before the outbreak of the First World War.

Sounds great.

With his crack team of experts, Jeremiah Hunt is on the trail of the legendary Brendan Fraser. Some say the Brendan Fraser is a myth a, others believe a terrible curse attends him. All that is sure is that once Brendan Fraser was a bankable star but following one bad film with Elizabeth Hurley, nothing has been seen of him for years.

Bedazzled?

You are? Well, that’s probably an engram. But don’t worry it can be cured with Dianetics and money.

Mummy: Impossible will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

ALEX GIBNEY TO STAR IN MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 6

HOLLYWOOD – Documentary filmmaker Alex Gibney is to star in the next installment of Mission Impossible, it was revealed today.

Although it is as yet unclear which role Alex Gibney will play, word has it that Tom Cruise is personally writing the script.

An insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Tom is always very involved with the creative process but in this case he’s so hands on I think this might end up being the first film that Tom writes in its entirety and he’s fairly keen to direct it as well, although chances are Christopher McQuarrie will return.

 The news came as something of a surprise given that Gibney’s latest film the HBO documentary “Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief” was an expose of the “religion” of which Cruise has been a lifelong spokesperson and believer.

Gibney himself seemed nonplussed by the news:

Are you sure? Well, that would be a turn up for the books. But sure I don’t mind doing a bit of acting if Tom needs some doing. And it would be nice to be in film rather than pointing the camera at other people.

Despite being early days, there are some clues to Gibney’s role from the studio synopsis:

Once more the IMF is faced with a threat to world peace via the Syndicate. Led by documentary filmmaker Malik Ribney (Alex Gibney), the terrorists look to overturn the world order, freedom and democracy by spreading lies and infiltrating the media. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his team (Jeremy Renner, Ving Rhames and Simon Pegg), however, are hot on their lying tails and are willing to unleash all manner of horrific violence in what will prove to be the first R rated Mission Impossible film.

Mission Impossible: Thetan Vengence will be released in 2017.

STAR TREK 3: SCRIPT LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – News in that Simon Pegg is co-writing Star Trek 3 with Doug Jung, and the Studio Exec is proud to be able to EXCLUSIVELY reveal the first draft.

EXT. SPACE – NIGHT

The Starship Enterprise is surrounded by KLINGON vessels.

They are firing their weapons at the badly damaged ship.

INT. BRIDGE – NIGHT

The bridge is a wreck. Spock is wounded and Captain Kirk sits bleeding in his swivelly chair.

SULU

Deflector shields are at 5 % Captain.

SPOCK

The ship will be destroyed in precisely thirty seconds.

KIRK (on the intercom)

Scotty, you have to get us out of here.

INT. ENGINE ROOM – NIGHT

Scotty is working heroically to fix the engine.

SCOTTY

I told you the engines couldnae handle it, but does he listen? No. And this is what happens.

KIRK (on the intercom)

Scotty, please! You have to save us, with your amazing Scottish ingenuity.

SCOTTY

Oh, so I’m not just comic relief?

INT. BRIDGE – NIGHT

KIRK
No. You’re an integral part of the crew. In fact it’s time you got a promotion.

SPOCK
That would be logical captain.

UHURA

Can I also just add that I’ve always been in love with you Scotty,

and if we come through this then I’m yours you hear, all yours!

SPOCK

That isn’t so logical.

INT. ENGINE ROOM – NIGHT

SCOTTY

The engines are back on line.

INT. BRIDGE – NIGHT

KIRK
Warp factor 5 Mr. Scott.

SCOTTY

I’m sorry, Captain?

KIRK

No, you’re right. I’m no longer fit to command with my recklessness

and callous inability to appreciate the people who actually make

things happen on my ship. Warp factor 5 Captain Scott.

SCOTTY

Aye, aye, Mr. Kirk!

EXT. SPACE – NIGHT

The Starship Enterprise flies away at warp speed.

The END

SIMON PEGG AND EDGAR WRIGHT REVEAL NEW COLLABORATION

LONDON – Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright revealed today that they would be collaborating on a new project together, a remake of Gaspar Noé’s nihilistic masterpiece Enter the Void.

Star Trek’s Scotty told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We were kicking around ideas for a while. We had done horror/comedy with Shaun of the Dead. Then we did action film/buddy-cop/comedy with Hot Fuzz. And finally we did a sort of Science Fiction/comedy with The End of the World. So there was a long thought process about what to do. And then we went away and wrote down a list of our three favorite films and came back to compare them and guess what Enter the Void was top of both our lists.

The original 2009 French film tells the strange hallucinatory story of a brother and sister who orphaned as children live in Tokyo, he making money selling drug s and her stripping at a neon nightclub. A lot of the film takes place in a hallucinogenic haze with a roving camera representing (perhaps) the soul of a dead character. There are scenes of explicit hardcore sex and some gory body horror, not to mention an overwhelming sense of dread and doom which pervades the whole affair.

Pegg is pegged to play the brother – ‘it’s the funny role’ – but  admitted there will be some quite radical changes: ‘We want the tone to be lighter and I don’t think we really need the incest angle to be quite so strong.’ The Scott Pilgrim Vs the World director chipped in:

We want to make the two main characters brother and brother instead of brother and sister, and get Nick Frost in. Already the film is going to be very different territory for the two of us, but having Nick on board as well will make this a little like having a comfort blanket.  This doesn’t mean that the Cornetto trilogy is becoming a quadrology. Although it could be the start of a new trilogy I suppose. Of ultra depressing art films/comedies.

Comedies?

Yeah, well obviously the tone can’t be quite so grim. And we’re going to ditch a lot of the weird stuff, the sex and violence and what not. And the nihilism and the void. We don’t really do void.

When asked what he thought of the duo remaking his film, French director Gaspar Noé said: ‘Ppppffffffffffffff! You know. C’est la vie!’ and shrugged.

Enter the Chuckle Brothers will be released in 2016.

 

CUMBERBATCH AND PEGG KILL AND EAT THE MADAGASCAR PENGUINS

movies 2013HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg have been accused of hunting, capturing, killing and eating the real life penguins from the popular Dreamworks film series Madagascar.

The accusations is only the latest outrage to be blamed on the Jolly Bastards – the club formed by Charles Dance for British actors working in Hollywood. In the past they have been linked with the Tim Hiddleston swan murder affair (of which he was eventually cleared) as well as many unsolved homicides from the 1980s. The latest incident followed weeks of increasingly vitriolic criticism of the penguins of Madagascar by both Pegg and Cumberbatch. ‘I hate those penguins,’ said the actor who has given his voice to Smaug in the latest installment of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. ‘Irritating flightless shit sticks.’

The World’s End star Simon Pegg used an interview with Esquire to express ‘my contempt for the lazy way in which the penguins of Madagascar fall back on easy stereotypes of Englishness for comic purposes. That’s my job.’ 

Following a burglary in the penguin compound at Dreamworks, the penguins were found to be missing. 
Cumberbatch admitted to having eaten them to the police, but they were so charmed by his accent they forgot to press charges. Likewise, Pegg was open about having strangled and grilled the penguins, saying they were delicious with ‘Tabasco sauce, though chewy’. However, his full and unnecessarily detailed confession was ruled inadmissible because ‘of his hilariously self-deprecating sense of humor’.

A spokesperson for Dreamworks said that they were devastated and refused to comment on how the loss of the animals would effect plans for a sequel. ‘We are in grief,’ said the spokesperson. ‘How can you even think of such a trivial question at a time like this?’

Madagascar 4: The Search for the Penguins will be released in 2015. 

PATTON OSWALT TO WRITE TWITTER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Patton Oswalt has been confirmed as the writer of the much talked about Twitter movie. David Fincher will direct and Simon Pegg and Ashton Kutcher are already confirmed as protagonists the Twit twins. 

The inveterate tweeterer wrote a letter in longhand (!) to express his pleasure:

I first heard about the Twitter movie when Ridley Scott was on board and Russell Crowe was attached and I thought, ‘That’s going to be rubbish. I mean seriously? A film about Twitter? Rubbish.’ But then Ridley Scott left the project to concentrate on Monopoly and Russell Crowe was replaced by Simon Pegg and Asthon Kutcher, and David Fincher came in and he contacted me and offered me a lot of money, I thought, ‘A movie about Twitter that’s a fantastic idea!’

The casting is already under way with Pegg and Kutcher joined by Jack Black who be playing the villainous whale who the little birds have to carry around whenever Twitter isn’t working. However, there will be a lot more casting news as Patton Oswalt has promised that Twitter: the Movie will include 140 characters, no less.

Twitter: the Movie will be released in 2015.