5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL

HOLLYWOOD – As the talent show that changed popular culture, American Idol is coming to a close, but what do we really know about Simon Fuller’s monstrous creation?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to sing their hearts out and break down and weep about overcoming personal issues just before Simon Cowell smashes them in the face with his trademark pantomime ire.

1. American Idol corrupted popular music, destroyed singing and turned everything into a tawdry tear drenched soap opera full of complete and utter bullshit.

2. Simon Cowell modelled his career on Herman Goebbels, whereas Paula Abdul preferred Eva Peron. Ryan Seacrest once touched a kitten inappropriately and Jennifer Lopez has one ear slightly higher than the other. The judges were originally intended to be similar to the Judges of Mega City One, the most famous of which was Judge Dredd, but the plan was dropped after terms could not be reached with Clint Eastwood. Simon Cowell spends many hours in his bedroom weeping inconsolably and no one – not even he – knows why.

3. All the winners have signed a contract in which they have to yearly give all their blood to a secret organisation which goes by the name of Nasterfarians. This blood is used in ceremonies or as a condiment. The United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron is the current Grand Wizard of the Nasterfarians. As a registered charity, it pays no taxes.

4. Anyone who fails to make it to the next round is taken to a large empty space behind the studio where they are shot and their bodies left in a large – and as time goes on – increasingly smelly pile.

5. The winner of the final season will automatically qualify to sit on the Supreme Court following a historic deal between the Democrats and the GOP.

For more FACTS click HERE.

MORGAN SPURLOCK TO REMAKE SPICE WORLD

LONDON – Mogran Spurlock is to remake Spice World. 

Famed documentarian and ginger Zapata-impersonator Morgan Spurlock announced this morning that he would be remaking Spice World, the 1997 ‘comedy’ which sought to give Simon Cowell’s other noxious creation The Spice Girls even more money taken directly from the pockets of impressionable children who don’t know better.

Morgan Spurlock – who is currently directing the One Direction concert film as a way of ‘getting in the mood’ – said:

All my films basically start off as terrible ideas. I have this terrible idea like eating only McDonalds for a month – Super Size Me – or catching Osama Bin Laden – Where on the Earth is Osama Bin Laden? – or going to comic-con – and then I make a movie of it. Now, what could be a worse idea than remaking Spice World, a film that was irrelevant even before it was made.  

Spurlock has yet to approach any of the members of the original group or secure rights, but he says that will all be part of the finished picture. Some, however, have criticised Spurlock as a brainless chancer whose first name would be more accurate if it was shy of one M.


What do you think? Would you like to be in their gang?

Spice World will be released in 2017.