ANDREW GARFIELD NOT NECESSARY

HOLLYWOOD – It has been revealed that Andrew Garfield is ‘not necessary’.

Andrew Garfield starred in a number of big films including The Amazing Spider-Man, Hacksaw Ridge and Silence. However, scientists revealed today that he isn’t necessary. Dr. Wilhelm Scheme told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Following a series of tests, we showed audiences versions of Garfield’s big films with him in and then other version in which we digitally removed him – Spaceying as it is now called – and we found audience didn’t notice the difference.

Does this mean he’s a bad actor?

No, not at all. You see we ran the same tests with Eddie Redmayne for instance and audiences actually preferred the versions without him. In Andrew’s case they are supremely indifferent to his presence and or absence.

Does this confirm rumors that Garfield is actually the result of a CIA experiment to produce a stealth agent?

I can’t possibly comment. But yes.

Andrew Garfield stars in Burning, Burning Cyborg in 2018.

APPARENTLY, THE OSCARS ARE HAPPENING AGAIN …

HOLLYWOOD – The Academy published the Oscar nominations earlier this week. We give our reaction.

So apparently, the Oscars are on again this year. It’s almost as if it’s every year now. We were going to do a full list of nominations but my cut and paste finger is sore. So you can go here and see that. Then come back and read this.

Nominations

First things first. The Academy discovered there are people in America who aren’t white! Moonlight, Fences and Hidden Figures all picked up nods as did Ruth Negga with Loving, the Jeff Nichols film. Supporting actress category saw Miss Moneypenny as well as Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer getting nommed. If that’s a a verb.

To round of the diversity anti-Semite Mel Gibson received a nomination for Hacksaw Ridge, the perfect American movie – loads of dirty Japanese get killed while we pretend to admire pacifism.

Snubs

Then there were the SNUBS. Amy Adams didn’t get nominated for Arrival and Martin Scorsese missed out with Silence. To be honest, Adams is great but there’s a law that Meryl Streep has to be nominated and that took her spot. As for Silence. Kundun was miles better. Silence is like Shogun but with more religion and less Richard Chamberlain.

La La Land received a large haul of nominations. There’s a point at which this kind of love begins to hurt a movie. I loved La La Land, but I saw it in August when no one else had. If I was to walk in having heard all the praise, I might be tempted to think the film a technically bit of superficial whimsy. I don’t think that. But with the group think pressure to love it, I can understand the Pavlovian backlash that is on its way.

So we’ll leave predictions to the experts. Who knows? Maybe we’ll post about he Oscars again before the actually ceremony. Feel free to comment in the box about how you think the whole think went down. We never read them.

The Academy announce the winners on February 26th, 2017.

BRUCE WILLIS: ANDREW GARFIELD ‘HAS TOO MUCH HAIR’

HOLLYWOOD – Die Hard actor Bruce Willis today attacked Andrew Garfield for ‘having too much hair’.

Star of Silence and Hacksaw Ridge Andrew Garfield ‘has too much hair’, according to Bruce Willis. bruce willis

The Hudson Hawk and Moonlighting star told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s just not fair. I don’t even have any eyebrows anymore and here’s this guy, comes over to our country, with this luxurious bouffant! I mean, Jesus.

Willis’ comments were supported by Vin Diesel and Woody Harrelson, but Adam Driver defended the former Spider-Man:

Andy has a lot of hair sure, but I know for a fact that the hair that he catches in the plughole when he showers he donates to charities for hairless children in the developing world.

Silence is in theaters.

SILENCE – REVIEW

REVIEW: SILENCE – Spider-man and Kylo Ren go to Japan to find Ra’s Ghul.

Martin Scorsese’s new film apparently took 20 years to make or more accurately he wanted to do it for twenty years or something. Anyway the adaptation of Shusaku Endo’s amazing novel is faithful, perhaps overly so. Large slabs of prose are Terrence Malicked onto the soundtrack, but at the same time Scorsese also literally renders paragraphs, often risking silliness. The story often slides towards Christian propaganda and one wonders how Mel Gibson would have dealt with it. And how critics would have looked at the film if he had.

Hacksaw Ridge actor Andrew Garfield does some more blinking as the priest who with Adam Driver goes looking for Liam Neeson and proselytize to the heathens in Japan. The persecution that follows provides a stations of the cross for the priest who enters his crisis of faith. There’s some dodgy CGI and some wonderfully inventive direction. But the ambiguity of the novel has its hand tipped with a clumsy last shot and dedication.

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TAKEN 4 LOOKS CRAP

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson fans everywhere rose up in disgust at the first images of Taken 4.

The eagerly awaited Taken 4 arrives late this year, but already fans of the Liam Neeson actioner are hot under the collar.

Uber-Taken fan, Leonard Katz told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I have a particular set of skills. One of them is to spot a terrible Taken film. This looks like a terrible Taken film. Liam is just kneeling and praying. And who are those Japanese guys behind him? Terrorists I imagine, but why is he praying like some kind of girl’s sandwich? And what’s with that shirt? It’s almost as bad as the prequel he did when he went back in time and saved all those Jews.

Director Martin Scorsese responded to criticism by telling everyone ‘to shut up.’

Taken 4 will be released December, 2016.

MARTIN SCORSESE’S SILENT MOVIE ‘BULLSHIT’ SAYS EXPERT

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s new movie Silence has been branded ‘bullshit’ by a leading expert on silent cinema.

The trailer dropped for Martin Scorsese’s new film Silence this week but not everyone is impressed.

Maurice Hepatite, leading expert of the silent era and author of ‘Say What: An Exploration in Early Cinema’, reacted with disgust to the footage.

It’s obvious that Mr. Scorsese knows next to nothing about silent films. His movie is called Silence, but having watched the trailer five times, I can tell you that first there is talking, then there is music and there are sound effects clearly audible on the soundtrack. There’s a goddamned soundtrack as well.

But Martin Scorsese…

Scorsese promised a silent movie. Look at the goddamned title, Chad. And all we get is the word ‘silence’, which garfield speaks spoken in a ridiculous Portuguese accent. Saying the word Silence doesn’t make this a silent movie. I thought someone of Mr. Scorsese’s purported acumen would have known that.

The film stars Andrew Garfield, Adam Driver and Liam Neeson as three priests with terrible accents who decide to be silent in order to avoid embarrassment.

Silence will be released in December, 2016.

MARTIN SCORSESE’S FISHER KING SEQUEL: FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s sequel to the Terry Gilliam classic The Fisher King has just finished filming in Taiwan.

Starring Andrew Garfield in the role of Jack Lucas, a former shock jock who on inadvertently causing a mass shooting in a restaurant and falls from grace, Martin Scorsese’s film has been shooting under the strictest of secrecy. The 1991 film starred Jeff Bridges and Robin Williams as a homeless man called Parry who Jack befriends and who helps Jack put together his life by facing what he has done. Details about the new film are relatively scarce but one synopsis reveals:

Two Jesuit priests – Jack Law (Andrew Garfield) and Parry (Adam Driver) travel to 17th century Japan. Here, the Tokugawa shogunate has banned Catholicism and all foreign contact. Japanese Christians are persecuted at the hands of their own government which wishes to purge Japan of all western influence. Jack Law travels the countryside, wondering why God remains silent while His children suffer.

As can be gleaned from this short synopsis, Fisher King 2 looks like a prequel rather than a direct follow on, perhaps using the idea of the Arthurian myth of the original Fisher King to take us way back into history to one of Jack’s distant ancestors.

The Fisher King 2 will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.