ARMIE HAMMER CAST AS HANNIBAL LECTER

HOLLYWOOD – Armie Hammer to star as Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs remake. 

The Studio Exec sat down with Renee Zellweger and Armie Hammer to talk about their casting as Clarice Starling and Hannibal Lecter. 

Good morning guys. Can we get you anything?

RZ – I’ll have a coffee thanks.
AH – I’ll take a Slim Jim, please. No, scrub that. Can I get half a kilo of raw liver, Chianti and some fava beans? Hold the beans. And don’t worry about the Chianti.

Um… ok. So Rob, tell me about the reboot.

RZ – It’s going to be super-duper. In the original version of The Silence Of The Lambs, it was told from the point of view of Clarice Starling.
AH – Claaariiiiiiiiiiicccccccce.
RZ – So, anyway. It’s all from her perspective. But in our version it’s all going to be told from the perspective of Hannibal Lecter.
AH – Yesssssssssssss.

But doesn’t he spend most of the film in his cell in solitary confinement?

RZ – Exactly. We’ll watch walk around the room clockwise. Then we’ll watch him walk around the room counter-clockwise. It’s gonna be insane.
AH – Mm. Have you got anymore liver please? Or maybe a pancreas I could nibble on?

How will you keep the interest of the audience?

RZ – Well, there’s mealtimes-
AH – Mmmm, yeah. Mealtimes, mmmm.
RZ – And there will be times when he needs to take a dump, that’ll be terrifying. It’s going to be told in 3 parts. We’ll tell it real time and the first film will go from the time just after Clarice’s first meeting until just before she comes back.
AH – Have you got any charcuterie? Perhaps some Iberico ham, or prosciutto? Raw bacon?

So it will just be Hannibal and we don’t get to see Clarice in the first film?

RZ – What? Yeah.
AH – Nom, nom, nom.

How will that tell the story?

RZ – Well, he’ll be thinking about her a LOT. And we’ll get to see for the first time ever how Hannibal thinks. Sometimes he thinks stood up. Then leaning against the glass or wall. Sometimes he just stands upright, in the middle of the room. Sometimes he even thinks sat down. Mind-blowing.
AH – And eating. Hannibal’s gonna be eating a LOT of meat. Raw meat. Plenty pork. Lovely lamb, rare. Veeeery rare.
RZ – Armie, get your hands off my ne……

The Silence Of The Lambs Redux starts shooting in March this year.

SERIAL KILLER INTERIOR DESIGNS (PROMOTIONAL POST)

HOLLYWOOD – A rare promotional post that helps keep Studio Exec afloat.

Hi, I’m James Gumm, managing director of Serial Killer Interior Designs. We are the leaders in this exciting new field of cutting edge innovation, design and vision.

Our team of highly trained experts will lead you through the step by step process of taking your unused living space, your cellar say, or your cellar, and turning it into your very own Serial Killer Den.

Whether it’s the clean modernist lines of a Girl with the Dragon Tattoo murder room, the industrial wasteland of the Hostel movies or the more traditional collection of broken dolls, religious memorabilia and bone sculptures of Seven and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we have ideas and plans to serve even the most depraved tastes. 

Partially decomposed body in a bath? No, problem. Collections of snakes in shoe boxes? You’ve come to the right place. Jars? I think we’ve got some lying around.

So don’t hesitate: contact us today and take advantage of our special Southern Gothic offer to celebrate True Detective, made entirely of twigs.

‘It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.’

BEN AFFLECK HAS FOUR FINGERS AND A THUMB

HOLLYWOOD – Photographic confirmation arrived today that the new Batman, Ben Affleck has four fingers and a thumb at the end of his left arm appendage.

Finally the mystery of what is on the end of Ben Affleck’s left wrist has been conclusively solved as British newspaper The Daily Mirror showed that he had the regular four fingers and a thumb. Although not the most attractive hand in the business – that belongs to David Duchovny – there are no irregular protrusions or weird bulbous effigies but rather a perfectly ordinary number of digits. Best friend Matt Damon instantly leapt to the defence of his best friend.

People have been going on for what seems like centuries about Ben’s hand ever since Pearl Harbor – and I mean the actual Japanese attack, not the movie – has he got a hand? What’s he hiding? It’s absolutely ridiculous. What with the divorce already weighing on his shoulders, you could at least let the man have the privacy of his own hands! Don’t you think?

However, other industry insiders were wondering why it took Affleck so long to reveal his hand. Willem Dafoe, a longstanding advocate for hands, said:

It doesn’t help when a star of Ben Affleck’s stature leaves his hand in his pocket all the time or puts it in some kind of glove. It makes it look like he has something to hide and simply encourages speculation.

Silence of the Lambs director, Jonathan Demme called for calm and understanding.

I mean this guy was fundamental in saving the world from that asteroid a few years ago. Something that everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten. We should definitely cut him some slack. He’s got a hand. In our heart of hearts we all knew that he would have. And just because someone doesn’t go around waving it around like Duchovny doesn’t mean a thing.

Batman v Superman will be released in 2016.