SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS ALFRED HITCHCOCK

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the globulous Alfred Hitchcock.

One of the pictures I’m asked about most often is actually a film I never appeared in! I am talking, of course, about Vertigo. I only take Sight and Sound magazine for the crossword and gardening tips so you could’ve knocked me down with a feather when that venerable publication recently announced that Vertigo was the best film ever made! I never cared for it much myself, but I think Jerry Lewis is funny so what do I know?

Little did I think that cinema history was in the making when I answered the phone one morning to none other than Alfred Hitchcock. I’ll never forget his first words to me.
‘Neddy,’ he said, ‘it’s Alfred Hitchcock here.’ 
That’s the kind of man he was you see, friendly, charming, but professional to the soles of his shoes. He wanted me for a scene early on in the picture where a portly gentleman walks past carrying a musical instrument case. Well, it’s the part I was born to play. There was no fee, but I was virtually guaranteed a Best Supporting Actor nomination at the Academy Awards so I headed down to the set. There was no rehearsal to speak of, or any script for that matter, Hitch just wanted to capture the moment, so I walked past the camera only for him to shout cut! 
‘Anything the matter darling?’ I asked. 
‘No, no, no,’ said Hitch, ‘just give me another one,’ so we rolled camera and I walked past again. 
And again.  And again. 
After the seventy eighth take I could tell there was something wrong, so I wandered over to Hitch to see if there was a different angle we could try. ‘The problem is’ he said in that familiar cockney drawl, ‘you’re just not portly enough.’ 
It was dear old Jimmy Stewart who had the bright idea of sticking a cushion up my jumper, so we did that and tried again. Then we tried again. Then we tried again with a different cushion, but it was still no good. Say what you will about Hitch but he knows what he wants, and I for one respect him for that. In the end I nipped off for a cigarette and by the time I came back just a couple of minutes later the scene was in the can with none other than Mr Alfred Hitchcock himself playing the part of the portly gentleman who walks past carrying a musical instrument case! 
I was flattered: it’s not many actors who can say their part was played by one of the cinema’s greatest directors, but I’m proud to be one of them. 
As I said there was no fee for my cameo, although Hitch did offer me $50 to push Kim Novak into the harbour.
But that’s another story…

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

SIGHT AND SOUND POLL: ERRATA

LONDON – The Sight and Sound top 100 poll is (as you will all know) a way for top film critics from all over the world to pretend they like Citizen Kane once every ten years. In a revolutionary upset this year, on the 1st of August, it was announced that critics would be pretending to like Vertigo – not Psycho or The Birds but Vertigo and no longer Citizen Kane – for ten years. However, in an unprecedented upset, the British Film Institute today has published a set of errata which radically alter the composition of the list and will undoubtedly cause open handed slap fights in cinema lobbies up and and down the world.

The errata reads so:

During the compilation of the original list over 800 critics, programmers and directors were asked for their preferences. However, due to myopia and some out and out snobbery the final list that was published contained some serious errors, and errors is a generous interpretation of the facts. Please adjust the published list in the following way: 

  • In the first place where the list reads: ‘Vertigo directed by Alfred Hitchock (1958) with 191 votes’ it should instead read ‘Maid in Manhattan directed by Wayne Wang with 231 votes’. 
  • In the second place where the list reads: ‘Citizen Kane directed by Orson Welles (1941) with 147 votes’ should instead read ‘We Bought a Zoo directed by Cameron Crowe (2011) with 230 votes’.
  • Other changes include Tokyo Story (3rd place) which has been overtaken by the Italian sex comedy A Policewoman on the Porno Squad (1979) directed by Michele Trantini; La Règle du Jeu (4th position) has been overtaken by Cannonball Run II (1984).

The rest of the list remains pretty much unaltered although The Human Centipede makes a surprise entry (no pun intended but gladly received) at 45 ousting Abbas Kiarostami’s Close-Up, which even the director called ‘dull’. Nick James the editor of Sight and Sound is climbing an unnamed Scottish mountain and so is unavailable for comment.

STUDIO EXEC’S TOP FIVE LIST OF ALL TIME LISTS

NEW YORK – As a mere newcomer to the film blogging site business game, Studio Exec has been remiss in not including at least seven lists every day of the top five/ten/one hundred of something or other film related lists list.

So here we have the top five list of all time lists.

  1. List of crap movies from the Eighties that really ought to be remade. As if swine such as I needed any encouragement whatsoever to go back to that particular trough, you actually want to do my market research for me? Thanks. 
  2. The Sight and Sound top 100 list. This list was in the news recently because some old film was replaced by another old film and half of us pretended to have a tizzy and the other half had a tizzy about them having a tizzy. Like children would die as a result of it. And this from the more high-minded part of the community? Sheesh.
  3. List of people who could direct the new Batman movie. Nolan flukes out and actually makes three comic book movies that can be watched and appreciated by people who haven’t been lobotomised and we want to go back to the well and see if next time we can’t fuck it up? Be my guest, I suppose.  Woody Allen has my vote.
  4. The top seven must disgusting deaths in the Final Destination/Saw/Hostel/… series. We all love watching teenagers being split, but really? Ranking them?
  5. Schindler’s List. Fuck you. I liked it. And unlike the rest, it did actually mean something.

For more FACTS click HERE.