CHINA LIKING WARCRAFT ‘MIGHT BE PSYCH WARFARE’

HOLLYWOOD – The blockbusting performance of Warcraft in China might be part of a cunning psychological campaign, warn Pentagon.

Warcraft didn’t perform well on its domestic US opening and it has been roundly savaged by the critics, but in China it has broken records, much to the pleased amazement of the studio. The fantasy video game cross-over directed by Douglas Jones is a bizarre mixture of every fantasy cliche around, with a lump of Shrek dolloped in the middle. It looked like it was going to take a deserved beating at the box office but then China came to the rescue with a performance that exceeded even the most optimistic expectations. However, a shadowy figure from the Pentagon has told the Studio Exec that all might not be what it seems:

The Chinese are crafty and this is not the first time an antagonist has tried to flummox us with this kind of misdirection. For years the French told us they loved Jerry Lewis. They celebrated him, gave him awards, showed his films. No one could work it out. We watched them and watch them and all the while the French were laughing up their sleeves. Goddamned bastards.

But Warcraft…?

 Yeah, well I watched Warcraft and there isn’t anything in this movie to like. Not a goddamned thing. The Chinese have intentionally ordered everyone in their country to go and see it just to sow self-doubt in the minds of American movie goers. We’re all second guessing and in the meantime half of Hollywood is green-lighting the Warcraft sequels and a new sequel to Dungeons and Dragons starring Jeremy Irons. We’ll pour all our money and time into that and in the meanwhile the Chinese are tunneling to Hawaii. You remember how a year ago North Korea managed to convince us that James Franco and Seth Rogen were some how edgy.

Jeez, you’re right! 

See. Do you see? Finally?

Warcraft is on current release.

EDDIE MURPHY ANNOUNCES PLUTO NASH 2

HOLLYWOOD – Eddie Murphy tonight announced that filming would being in the Fall of The Adventures of Pluto Nash 2.

Comedy star of Beverly Hills Cop and Beverly Hills Cop 2 and Beverly Hills Cop 3, Eddie Murphy announced that he would begin filming the sequel to his hit 2002 science fiction comedy The Adventures of Pluto Nash, provisionally entitled The Adventures of Pluto Nash 2. The excited Trading Places star came by the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his new venture:

After the Beverly Hills Cop TV show fell through I just didn’t know what to do. I mean I’d like to do another Shrek movie but no one can find Michael Myers and Antonio Banderas is doing art movies [last seen in Spongebob Squarepants: Sponge out of Water]. Then I had this idea, why not do Pluto Nash 2. The film everyone has been begging me to do.

Who has been begging you to do Pluto Nash?

Absolutely everyone I meet. I was talking to my cousin and he said ‘Have you heard the news about Pluto?’ I said, I’m not going to do a sequel. Then my barber said ‘Pluto’s a really…’ ‘Great movie, I know but enough,’ I said. It just went on and on. Pluto, Pluto, Pluto. My girlfriend said, ‘It’s New Horizon’ and that’s when I knew. ‘You’re right,’ I said. ‘It will be a new horizon. Okay. I’ll do it.’

How will the film be different?

Well, first of all, the original is set on the Moon and I think this one is going to be set on a moon of Pluto. If only we had a good image to get the art department started. Anyway, I want this film to be a total departure from the original Adventures of Pluto Nash.

So it’s going to be a comedy?

Yes.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash 2: New Horizons will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SHOCK NEWS: MIKE MYERS IS ALIVE

MONTREAL – Earlier this morning shocking news hit Hollywood: Canadian comedian and Wayne’s World creator Mike Myers was discovered alive in his home at an undisclosed Malibu location.

Mr. Myers had been missing, presumed dead after the release of Goldmember (2002), his third outing as parodic superspy Austin Powers.
It can now be revealed that Mr. Myers – who shot to fame as the smart part of the comic duo of Wayne’s World in which he started with … uhm – has actually been hiding in plain sight. His agent Dorothy Habermaserraus, speaking exclusively to Studio Exec, said:

Mike’s been doing the voice of popular ogre Shrek. Well, I say popular, he started well, but that motherfucker is a dried up jolly green husk now.  

It was also revealed that Myers – toying with those who had mourned his disappearance for years – had also appeared in a Quentin Tarantino movie, Inglourious [Sic] Basterds [Sic].

Mr. Myers said that now he was alive once more he wanted to do something totally new. Austin Powers 4 is currently in pre-production as is Shrek 5,6 & 7.