5 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM TWIN PEAKS TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – Showtime just dropped the trailer for the new Twin Peaks.

David Lynch returns with the new Twin Peaks for Showtime this May. But what did we learn from the trailer?

The Studio Exec FACT team have analysed it with their eyes.

1. Kyle MacLachlan is in it.

2. Kyle MacLachlan is in it.

3. Kyle MacLachlan is in it.

4. Kyle MacLachlan is in it.

5. Kyle MacLachlan is in it.

See for yourself:

HOMELAND TO JUST GO ON AND ON AND ON

HOLLYWOOD – Espionage TV show Homeland starring Claire Danes is to just go on and on and on and on and never stop, Showtime announced today.

Whether you love it or hate it, Homeland is here to stay. The popular show, which everyone stopped watching around about season 2, stars Claire Danes as Carrie Mathison who has been a CIA operative and then a private security consultant and then something else for something else. After six seasons, Showtime announced that they won’t stop ever. A statement from the company was issued EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Originally based on an Israeli show ‘Prisoners of War’, Homeland has been a popular and critically acclaimed show. We are currently working on Season Six and Season Seven and we confidently assume that we’ll be doing a Season 8, 9 and 10. I mean you can just go on adding seasons basically.

Mandy Patinkin plays Saul Berenson.

Homeland Season 6 will be broadcast in 2017.

NO NEW TV FOR 2017 ‘SO THAT WE CAN CATCH UP’

HOLLYWOOD – HBO, AMC, Netflix, Amazon, Showtime and Fox have all declared that absolutely no new TV shows will be broadcast in 2017.

The decision came following a meeting with the head of all the studios involved and a joint statement was issued EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec.

The thing is we’ve noticed that this year is going to be a bumper year for television with show after show maintaining an astonishingly high quality of writing, acting and production. There are in fact so many shows and so many platforms on which to watch the shows that is has come to our attention that the average American has over one hundred hours of television backlogged and there is very little chance of that backlog going away if there isn’t some kind of moratorium. So that is what we have got together and done.

The move comes after similar moves in Europe have had salutary effects on their respective populace. The BBC made no shows in the UK last year and said that people were drinking more and generally happier. In Italy no new TV shows have been produced for fifteen years and on average people live twenty years longer, if they don’t kill themselves.

What do you think of 2017 being a TV free year?

Is it enough time for you to finally watch the last five episodes of Mr. Robot?

Will you go back and finally start watching The Good Wife or Bloodlines?

Answer these questions in our comment box or I will find you and I will kill you.

DAMIAN LEWIS CONFIRMED TO PLAY DONALD TRUMP

NEW YORK – Today Donald Trump announced that he was allowing Damian Lewis to play him in a new biopic of his life, provisionally entitled: Trump Towers.

News came shortly after Donald Trump announced he was running for the Presidency. He told reporters in the atrium of Trump Tower:

Damian Lewis is a very talented actor and I’m sure he’ll bring to the screen the intricate complexity of my character, whether it’s the nuances of me as a young asshole making a load of money and rising from the ranks of humble millionaires, to the reality TV show asshole telling idiots they’re fired. Or the new latest iteration of me the asshole candidate for President of the United States of America.

British actor Damian Lewis first made a name for himself in the HBO series Band of Brothers. His career has continued to make waves on US television with his portrayal of Marine Sgt. Nicholas Brody in Showtime’s Homeland, starring alongside Claire Danes and in Britain with the BBC show Wolf Hall in which he played Henry VIII.

He came into the Studio Exec bungalow to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the new role:

Of course, it will be a challenge. I think the key to Donald Trump has to be the hair and I know that Donald has a whole basement full of blind Peruvian children weaving it as we speak. Authenticity will be the key and they will make me the best and most convincing wig you’ll ever see.

What about reports that have named you as the new 007?

[With tears standing out in his eyes] I don’t think Donald would like that.

Trump Towers will be written and directed by Donald Trump himself. ‘I’ve already finished the screenplay, the first draft was perfection and so that’s the final draft as well,’ said Trump. ‘I know a lot of people are just waiting for me to fall on my big fat stupid looking face, but I can tell them now that is not going to happen. Damian is going to make me look great and everyone will worship me. It will be the first film that I will watch in the White House. You can mark my words.’

In a Homeland reunion it has also been revealed that Ivana Trump will be played by Claire Danes.

Trump Towers will be released in 2016. 

MICHAEL SHEEN DISOWNS BROTHER CHARLIE

HOLLYWOOD – Masters of Sex star Michael Sheen shocked friends and family today when he disowned his brother, tiger blood owner and a self-proclaimed master of sex Charlie Sheen.

Speaking to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the star of The Damned United and Frost/Nixon said:

Charlie Sheen? No, he’s not my brother. We have the same last name but that’s as far as it goes.

So you’re not on speaking terms?

No. I mean I’ve not had the opportunity.

How does your father Martin Sheen feel about this estrangement?

Martin Sheen is not my father.

Wow! So you’re disowning your father as well?

I’m not disowning him. I’m just telling you that we’re not related. There’s no blood relation. He’s just – again – got the same name as me.

Emilio Estevez…

No relation. Not even the same name.

What caused this rupture? I mean, I can understand Charlie’s a bit of a loose cannon but Emilio and Martin? They seem to be fairly nice people.

Look I see where you’re going with this but it really is a complete waste of my time, your time and your readers’ time. Why aren’t you asking the real questions a journalist should ask.

For instance?

Why Patrick Stewart has refused to acknowledged his daughter Kristen Stewart all these years.

Already done Michael. Already done (and for more on that story click here).

Okay. Fair enough, I’ll tell you. I was the youngest of the Sheen litter. From day one Charlie and Emilio were held up to me as shining examples and I was disgraced because due to a genetic defect I was born with this weird British accent. Martin Sheen might be a wonderful president on the West Wing, but as a father he was cold and distant, often refusing to communicate with me except via registered post. If I put something on Facebook about how well I’m doing he always comments ‘dislike’. And you ask me why I don’t talk to them? Do you know what last Thanksgiving was like? They’re talking about Apocalypse Now, Repo Man and Wall Street. I try to say something about Underworld and they all do that weird shrill scream I did in Twilight until I stopped talking. Is that your definition of a family? So there’s your answer.

Masters of Sex is on Showtime.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HOMELAND

HOLLYWOOD – Homeland is Showtime’s popular terrorist/espionage thriller starring Claire Danes, Damian Lewis and Mandy Patinkin, but what do we really know about it? Where does its allegiances lie? And does any of it make any sense?

We sent the undercover Studio Exec FACT squad into deep black ops cover to find 5 FACTS you never knew.

1. Homeland is a complete waste of time.

2. No honestly that last fact was the important one. The will he or won’t he, is she or isn’t she, is a complete waste of your time.

3. Time spent playing or watching golf, by comparison, is like you’re curing cancer.

4. I’ll admit the first season was mildly diverting if you fast forwarded through Brody’s family life, but seriously repeatedly watching this stuff and thinking you’ll get a different result is in the Fifth Edition of the Diagnostic Handbook as a definition of psychopathy.

5. It’s still better than the Walking Dead.

For more FACTS, click here. 

MILEY CYRUS JOINS TWIN PEAKS SEASON 3

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the startling news that Showtime are to revive Twin Peaks in 2016, comes the weirdest news still: Miley Cyrus is set to feature in the new show as everyone’s favorite worst denim-clad nightmare Bob.

The Studio Exec can reveal EXCLUSIVELY that in an attempt to boost the show’s audience among the youth cohort, David Lynch and Mark Frost have opted for some radical casting decisions.

David Lynch spoke with the Studio Exec in the early hours of this morning, with the sound of a squalling baby and a rusty radio playing dance hits from the 1930s in the background:

Bob is an essential figure for Twin Peaks. In many ways he is the alter ego of Agent Cooper and so it was important that just as Cooper is due to return in the form of his son, so Bob – it is revealed – had a daughter: Bobette. We were thinking of going with a frightening actor like Michael Shannon, but when I saw Ms. Cyrus’ performance at the VMAs a year or so back, it was clear not so much that I had found my new Bob, as that new Bob had found me. I don’t think I’ve had a proper night’s sleep since. SHUT THAT GODDAMNED BABY UP!

The sound of David Lynch’s voice was replaced by a percussive industrial grinding.

For more on the new Season of Twin Peaks CLICK HERE.

Pic courtesy of .

KANYE WEST TO COMPOSE TWIN PEAKS SCORE

NEW YORK – Eccentric rapper Kanye West has revealed he is to write and compose the soundtrack for the new series of Twin Peaks.

“Lynch called me up and said, ‘Kanye, this is gonna be the biggest series of all time and I need the greatest rapper of all time,” said a humble West.

I said ‘D, I got irons in the fire ready to be forged into musical swords. I’m designing my own threads and looking out for my baby momma. I ain’t got time to bleed for you.’ but as I was turning him down these shapes and words started formin’:

♫Peak to the twin/Twin to the peak/

My lady’s got a log and she telling me it speaks./

Laura Palmer’s dead but don’t bother the state trooper/

Just pour a cup of coffee/ call that n*gger Agent Cooper ♫

Lynch was all over it, in fact he started crying down the phone and calling me a genius. I took it well.

West went on to say that after he’s completed Twin Peaks he’s keen to score more TV shows:

Kim was watching Orange is the New Black, she loves that shit and I was chilling next to her checking my twitter account when suddenly, these shapes and words started formin’:

♫ Black to the Orange/Orange to the black/

My woman is in prison cos she dealt a lot of crack./

Bitch is in her jumpsuit chasing round a chicken/

then playing house with Alex Vause and doing lady licking ♫

New episodes or Twin Peaks are due in 2016.

TWIN PEAKS NEW GENERATION ‘WILL APPEAL TO YOUTH’

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Frost and David Lynch’s cult TV show Twin Peaks is to return to television courtesy of Showtime and a re-imagining which will continue the story through the new younger generation.

David Lynch and co-creator Frost had already taken to Twitter to hint at a renewal of the show which ran for thirty episodes and a spin off movie, Fire Walk With Me, but the Dune director wanted to speak at length and EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve been really into my Transcendental Meditation for ages now. And it has been satisfying, you sit there and become one with the universe more or less, but the downside of it is a. cramps and b. it gets really, really boring. So when Mark called me up and said he had some ideas for a new Twin Peaks I said, ‘let’s do this’.

What will the new show be like?

It’ll be the young kids. I don’t see how anyone can even remember who Kyle MacLachlan is anymore, so I want to go with Dale Cooper’s son, Rodney Cooper, played by Zac Efron. Rodney is called to the town when his dad goes missing and it turns out that the Son of Bob (Freddie Highmore), a mysterious serial killer might be responsible. Of course, the girl with the twig (Selena Gomez) roams the town weirdly as does Donna Hayward’s daughter Marcy (Ariana Grande). There’s going to be a lot more music in this version. I’ve been watching a lot of Glee and I think that will add something to the show, though Mark is a bit resistant.

Will this change of direction effect other aspects of the show?

Yes. Instead of Damn Fine Coffee, Rodney Cooper will say things like hashtag DFC.

Twin Peaks: The New Generation will be broadcast early in the Spring, 2015.  

HILARY SWANK’S IMMIGRANT HUNT

NEW YORK – Earlier today Showtime announced a new reality show starring Million Dollar Baby star Hilary Swank and entitled The Hilary Swank Immigrant Hunt.

‘The plan is simple,’ says show runner, Herman Shrinkle. ‘Hilary flies around the Mexican American border in her helicopter until she identifies some illegal immigrant, may be a family of them, and then she takes them down with a high powered rifle.’

Hilary Swank is renowned for her hatred of Human Rights and says she is looking forward to laying down some cruel and unusual punishment on their sub-human asses.

When I grew up we were kind of poor and we had to make a lot of sacrifices and I can imagine if I’d been living in a poorer country wanting to go to a richer one. But I would also have understood that by doing that I was signing a social contract that would allow a beautiful hard body Oscar winning actress to hunt me down and possibly kill me for the entertainment of fat people.

Hilary says that there will be a great deal of variety to the show.

I’ll be initially in the helicopter but we’re also going to shows where I hunt them down on foot clad in a bikini with armed with a Bowie knife. I’ll also have guests such as Steven Seagal and Anne Hathaway who will help me in securing our borders.

 The Hilary Swank Immigrant Hunt starts Friday.