WHERE EAGLES DARE REMAKE RELEASE DELAYED AGAIN

HOLLYWOOD – Len Wiseman’s remake of the Second World War classic Where Eagles Dare pushed to 2023.

The Where Eagles Dare remake scheduled for a Fall release will now show in early 2023. The action-packed snow-bound reboot sees Shia LaBeouf take the role Shaffer played by Clint Eastwood whereas Jude Law takes on the mantle of Richard Burton as Major Smith. Len Wiseman ‘director’ says that the film will be an improvement on the original.

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GUY RITCHIE DETERMINED TO DESTROY ALL BRITISH ICONS WITH NEW BIGGLES MOVIE

LONDON – Robin Hood, King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels director, Guy Ritchie will direct the forthcoming movie version of the First World War flying ace, Biggles.

The Captain W.E. Johns created hero Biggles has been a young boy’s fantasy figure for years, though he has recently fallen out of favor with the rise superhero movies and toy franchises. Ritchie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec on condition we did not refer to his former marriage to Madonna. Madonna first came to prominence in the early Eighties with a series of pop hits produced by her then partner Jellybean. After a stormy relationship with Sean Penn, she went on to release a series of albums which were both commercially and critically successful. Her relationship with Guy Ritchie culminated in the motion picture Swept Away, which subsequently was. Speaking about Biggles, Ritchie (neé Madonna) had this to say:

James ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth is by far the most interesting British hero since Sherlock Holmes and James Bond and yet because of certain old fashioned attitudes he has been unfairly maligned and has all but disappeared from libraries and schools. I hope my film Biggles and the Darkie Menace will make people rethink.

Robert Downey Jr. is said to be interested in the role, because it will continue his recent run of films in which ‘I don’t really have to act or anything.’ Ritchie said that he hopes Downey Jr. will take the part:

Me and Robert have a true understanding having worked together on two pictures. He is one of the most instinctive actors I know. He seems to do no preparation whatsoever. Almost as if he is just ‘dialing in a performance’ as we used to say down London way. Of course, behind that air of casual laziness, I can assure you lie literally minutes of hard work.

Ritchie will hope to reproduce the massive success of Biggles: Adventures in Time, a 1986 film that everyone has largely forgotten.

Biggles and the Darkie Menace will be released in 2020.

GUY RITCHIE CONFIRMS BIGGLES

LONDON – Guy Ritchie continues ruining all British heroes with Biggles film.

King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Robin Hood director, Guy Ritchie will direct the forthcoming movie version of the First World War flying ace, Biggles.

The Captain W.E. Johns created hero Biggles has been a young boy’s fantasy figure for years, though he has recently fallen out of favor with the rise superhero movies and toy franchises. Ritchie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec on condition we did not refer to his former marriage to Madonna. Madonna first came to prominence in the early Eighties with a series of pop hits produced by her then partner Jellybean. After a stormy relationship with Sean Penn, she went on to release a series of albums which were both commercially and critically successful. Her relationship with Guy Ritchie culminated in the motion picture Swept Away, which subsequently was. Speaking about Biggles, Ritchie (neé Madonna) had this to say:

James ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth is by far the most interesting British hero since Sherlock Holmes and James Bond and yet because of certain old fashioned attitudes he has been unfairly maligned and has all but disappeared from libraries and schools. I hope my film Biggles and the Darkie Menace will make people rethink.

Robert Downey Jr. is said to be interested in the role, because it will continue his recent run of films in which ‘I don’t really have to act or anything.’ Ritchie said that he hopes Downey Jr. will take the part:

Me and Robert have a true understanding having worked together on two pictures. He is one of the most instinctive actors I know. He seems to do no preparation whatsoever. Almost as if he is just ‘dialing in a performance’ as we used to say down London way. Of course, behind that air of casual laziness, I can assure you lie literally minutes of hard work.

Ritchie will hope to reproduce the massive success of Biggles: Adventures in Time, a 1986 film that everyone has largely forgotten.

Biggles and the Darkie Menace will be released in 2019.

HARRISON FORD LOSES HAIR IN CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

LOS ANGELES – Harrison Ford has lost all his hair as a direct result of appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth instalment of the celebrated archaeology/sadomasochism saga.

Some industry experts have pointed specifically to the scene where Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge.

One Lucas insider told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

As everybody knows, Spielberg is a stickler for realism. So he actually had Harrison in the fridge and he actually detonated an actual bomb.

Comparisons have been drawn to other ill fated films, such as Tarkovsky’s Stalker, which cost the life of the director, his wife and one of the lead actors; or the John Wayne one shot near the nuclear testing sites, after which everyone died and stuff.

Other victims of the curse are Ray Winstone who was forced to appear in The Sweeney as a direct consequence of the Curse. John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf were both captured by Danish film maker Lars Von Trier and forced to appear in sex films. Cate Blanchett’s life has been a catalogue of disasters since filming Indy 4. First, she fell in love with a really old guy who then turned into a baby, then she was killed by a child assassin and now it looks like she’s going to have act with Hobbits again.

The one person to have escaped the curse is Karen Allen, who had the fortune to have her scene deleted from I am Number Four, thus saving her a further indignity.

Indiana Jones 5: The Violation of Childhood will be released in 2022.

STEVEN F*CKING SPIELBERG IS ACTUALLY GOING TO F*CKING MAKE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg is going to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump is President of the United States. Britain is Brexiting. The ice caps are making. And Steven Spielberg is actually making Indiana f*cking Jones 5.

The news was welcomed by accountants the world over and some tape worms were felt to writhe in anticipation. Shia LaBeouf has gone into hiding and a trail of blue M&Ms was found marking a path from Harrison Ford’s house to an extremely rickety World War One bi-plane.

When asked about the project Spielberg told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The film will be set in the present day Indiana Jones is now extremely old. We’re talking Guy Pearce here. He is called on to go to Charlottesville to pull down some ancient statues. Only here he will find his old nemesis. The Nazis.

Indiana Jones and the Alt Right will be released in 2020.

SHIA LABEOUF DOESN’T GET ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf did not get arrested yesterday, reports confirm.

Transformers and American Honey actor, Shia LaBeouf didn’t spend the night in a jail cell after having not been arrested in the early hours of Saturday morning. He was not seen in a state of public intoxication, nor was he approached by police officers. He failed completely to abuse them verbally and was not restrained. It was not part of an art installation and he has not apologized this morning.

He did not say:

I have let down my fans and I want to say I am deeply sorry for any offence my actions caused. I’ve been working really hard and I have this bad back. The medication for my back had a bad effect on the beers I had at a friend’s birthday party. I’m sorry about that.

That statement was not released. Co-star and friend Megan Fox did not offer her sympathies. She didn’t say:

Shia is going through a lot at the moment and more than anything he needs everyone to step back a bit and give the guy some room.

Shia La Beouf will not be seen in Krispy Face Slap which isn’t released in 2018.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS TO PLAY SHIA LABEOUF

HOLLYWOODDaniel Day-Lewis’ final film will be a biopic of Shia LaBeouf, currently titled Shia.

Following his decision to retire, Daniel Day-Lewis has assured his fans there is one last film. The actor will complete a biopic of fellow actor Shia LaBeouf.

“Shia LaBeouf is without doubt the actor of our generation,” says Ron Howard, former Happy Days actor and the director of the forthcoming film. “And who better to play him than the second best.”

The Dayster (as he’s known in Thespian circles) has become legendary for the extent of his preparation. When he starred in My Left Foot as paraplegic author Christy Brown, the There Will Be Blood star spent the whole shoot in a wheel chair, writing novels and refusing to answer to the name ‘the Dayster’. Likewise to prepare for his role as Hawkeye in Last of the Mohicans, Day Lewis spent three months underneath a waterfall shouting hoarsely at Madeline Stowe. This role might prove however to be his toughest challenge yet.

Already the physical transformation has begun to take place, and the first shot of him (right) as the Disturbia and Transformers star shows an utterly transformed and strangely younger looking man.

“A shave and a haircut and we’ll be there,” quips an ebullient Howard.

When asked for a comment, the normally reluctant In the Name of the Father actor was quietly forthcoming. “I’ve studied Shia for years,” says Day-Lewis, his eyes fixed on the ground. “This is the man who rescued the Indiana Jones franchise you must remember. So when Ron called and said he had a challenge for me, I knew he wasn’t kidding.”

Daniel Day-Lewis Preparations in Full:

Daniel Day-Lewis

For My Beautiful Laundrette DDL bought a laundrette. “It was pretty, sure but it wasn’t beautiful,” said a disgruntled Stephen Frears. It was a lesson in perfectionism from the director of Tamara Drewe.

Preparing to play Daniel Plainview, in There Will Be Blood DDL changed his first name to match his character.

For Lincoln, Steven Spielberg described how the actor prepared for the famous assassination scene, by being shot in the back of the head every morning for two weeks. “Something to do with muscle memory,” the 1941 director remarked wonderingly.

To prepare for Nine, the chameleon actor “did nothing at all.”

While shooting Gangs of New York, Scorsese noted how “Daniel would use every opportunity to talk to Cameron. It was touching really. He sat and studied her and learned from her. I think he was a better actor for it.”

Shia will be released in 2018.

DAMON LINDELOF’S BLADE RUNNER 2049 EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – We publish Damon Lindelof’s email to Ridley Scott. 

Written while Blade Runner 2049 was in development this email sees Damon Lindelof and Ridley Scott discussing possible story ideas for Blade Runner 2049.

The Studio Exec has obtained a copy of the Blade Runner 2049 email. It says things you people wouldn’t believe:

hEY rIDDERS OH WAIT CAPS LOCK


Hey Ridders, Jesus where’s delete? Never mind. I mean. What the hell! Right Scottish? We can fix it in post. It’s the Damon-ster here. I know you said you weren’t sure you wanted me to help you with Blade Runner 2049 but I’ve been thinking really hard about it and I’ve got some ideas things for the plot like concept of the story notes perhaps. So here goes. 


The years is 2072, right? OK and Deckard’s like this old Blade Runner. And he’s got this fresh, brash partner (I’m thinking Shia LaBeouf or perhaps Channing Tatum). OK. And they get a mission to go after the Nexus 17 replicants right. And Deckard has a lot of bullshit from his boss cause he ran off with a replicant and what not and it ended badly, but he only has a week left until his retirement (some comedy here with possible confusion about Deckard being a replicant who’s about to be retired LOL). Anyway they go after the replicants but this time they follow them to the off world colonies and there are like shit loads of chases and what not, and Deckard says (more than once) “I’m getting too old for this shit”. He says it like three or four times, like it’s a RUNNING GAG and ironically it’s because he’s a RUNNER who is too old to RUN. Right?
 
Anyway they meet this really old woman who looks like exactly like Vanessa Redgrave (we can get Guy Pearce for this and put him in an old woman suit) and she’s like Tyrell the 4th or something. And she explains that actually all human beings are replicants because we’ve all been created by a higher power, which is like god but really actually just like super intelligent sperm people. You dig? Anyway, deep shit, deep shit, running, some more deep shit. Then they corner the Nexus 17 and Tyrell in this super dangerous and they could just call for back up, but for some reason (I haven’t worked this bit out but who cares) they just run in guns blazing. Something heavy falls on Tyrell can kills her for no real reason and polar bears start attacking. I know, fantastic, isn’t it?
 
They kill the polar bears or something. then confront Nexus 17 Ray Batty who reveals himself to actually be the son of Deckard and Rachel and Deckard is crying but just completely like blows him away. Fade to Black. A Celine Dion, music Vangelis and with lyrics by moi ‘Tears in Rain’ over credits:
 
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe — eeeeeeve
Polar bears attacking me and my son, 
About Rachel Replicant I grieve — eeeeeeeeve
What have I done, done done
 
SAX SOLO


Blade Runner 2049 will be released in 2017.

       

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THE TRANSFORMERS: LAST KNIGHT TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The latest installment of the Transformers series is approaching with the first trailer for Transformers: Last Knight.

The fifth film in the Transformers franchise is due out. Seeing Mark Wahlberg in his second attempt at being less interesting than Shia LaBeouf, big robots turn into cars and stuff. The trailer got over a million sum hits which only makes Donald Trump’s election more understandable. So what did we learn about the new film from the trailer?

Nothing. I didn’t watch it.

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STAR WARS v INDIANA JONES ‘NOT IMPOSSIBLE’ SAYS GEORGE LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today spoke of how it would ‘not be entirely impossible’ for a future Star Wars – Indiana Jones crossover movie.

George Lucas walked into the Studio Exec bungalow like a man reborn. He grabbed a handful of peanut M&Ms from the courtesy bowl threw them high up in the air and then let them cascade onto his silver hair and beard catching a couple in his gaping maw. He settled himself on the Exec couch of truth and put his feet up on the coffee table and proffered a broad grin:

I’m very happy. Things are going well. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a great hit and I’m delighted with that and now Steven Spielberg is busy with the next big project: the new Indiana Jones movie. Harrison Ford is very excited by some of my ideas.

What brought him around?

Well, he was a little upset by the fact that as far as Star Wars is concerned he’s pretty much out of the picture. He was wooed by the idea that he would feature in the young Han Solo spin off but the sad fact is that he is too old to play the young Han Solo, but no one got round to telling Harrison that. So he was pissed. That was what made him change his mind on the Indiana Jones idea. But then I went one further and suggested that maybe there was a way of combining the two.

You mean Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Look, they both come from the same source of inspiration: Saturday morning serials. One is Flash Gordon and the other is more Tarzan, or Rocketman, or some such. But they’re cut from the same cloth so why wouldn’t they be able to crossover? We’ve got a Batman v Superman film coming up after all.

What was Steven Spielberg’s view of this?

I didn’t think he was incredibly happy. He sort of said, ‘Oh George’ the way he does. But the fact of the matter is, he said that about the aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and in the end he filmed my idea.

How would it even work?

Well, Star Wars has always been set in a Galaxy Far Far Away (copyright Disney Studios). But they do have space ships and as those space ships fly faster than the speed of light that means they also have time travel. Plus Indiana Jones in the last film discovered multi-dimensional beings. What if those beings came back and asked for Indiana Jones’ help defeating the First Order? It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch would it?

Is Shia LaBeouf returning?

Jesus Christ, Exec. I’m not completely f*cking nuts!

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

BARACK OBAMA CONSIDERS LAW TO PREVENT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – The President of the United States of America Barack Obama is considering a possible legislative solution to the imminent threat of Indiana Jones 5.

Responding to the news that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are threatening to follow the unwiped stain of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Indiana Jones 5, President Obama has declared his intention to seek some sort of legal ban to prevent the movie being made.

I have spoken with my counterparts in the UN, the European Union, Vladimir Putin and the Chinese and for once the world speaks as one. This movie must not be made. Anyone who saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has repeated solemnly, never again.

The UN had previously shown its resolve when it declared Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a war crime and sought to bring George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to book for what they had done to a once loved movie franchise. Special envoy to the UN Kurtz Kurts told the Studio Exec:

The original was a rip-roaring adventure with all the charm of the old movie matinees that inspired it. The original trilogy was a trilogy. It told the story and gave a satisfactory arc to the whole proceedings. Crystal Skull by contrast deserves to be dropped into a disused mine shaft and then covered in concrete, which is what we’ve spent over $7 million doing over the last three years. I mean…Shia LaBeouf.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2018.

 

SHIA LABEOUF WINS SHIA LABEOUF MARATHON

NEW YORK – Today Shia LaBeouf came first in the inaugural Shia LaBeouf movie marathon, winning the gold medal in a varied field.

Shia LaBeouf watched all his films back to back at the Angelika Film Center in New York, with a live stream of his reactions being broadcast on the internet. The event entitled #ALLMYMOVIES featured all twenty nine of his films being shown back-to-back in reverse chronological order. A camera on the back of his seat has captured all of his reactions and him sleeping through some of them.

Robert De Niro was one of many celebrities who turned up to cheer the young actor along the road of his entire ouvre. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec at the awards ceremony:

I think it’s entirely appropriate that Shia won the gold medal. This is a race he’s been training for his whole life and he had to be the favorite even though I know Paul Giamatti and Aaron Paul were also in the field.

Paul Giamatti was actually a surprise inclusion in the field though rumor has it he was training in Estonia for five months. He came in second with Martin Freeman beating Aaron Paul to the bronze medal. The Hobbit star said that he was delighted with the result but would be hoping to beat Shia LaBeouf next year.

I was way ahead of him but Nymphomaniac Volume 2 really screwed me.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor

Shia LaBeouf will be appearing at a shopping mall near you throughout the Holiday Season.

ROBERT DE NIRO JOINS SHIA LABEOUF FOR #ALLMYMOVIES

NEW YORK – At the Angelika theatre in New York, Shia LaBeouf has been joined by Robert de Niro to watch the rest of Shia LaBeouf’s movies back to back in a marathon.

Robert de Niro showed up at the Angelika theater today in New York today to join Shia LaBeouf in his marathon of Shia LaBeouf movies the #AllMyMovies event.

Mr. De Niro spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his participation in what is being billed as either the most interesting art project of the century or alternatively the moment the new millennium disappeared up its own asshole:

 Shia LaBeouf is the most interesting actor of his generation and I am not going to just be a part of the project, I also want to actually see his Transformers trilogy again.

What fascinates you about Shia?

In a word his range. He has such an incredible range. Look at Bobby and then look at what he does in Fury. Or look at Disturbia and compare it to his role Nymphomaniac. And it isn’t only me, I don’t know a serious actor who doesn’t greatly esteem Shia. The new film that Daniel Day Lewis is making about Shia…

That’s still happening?

Oh absolutely, but you know Daniel. He wants to be absolutely perfect. Especially because it’s Shia. He is more committed to this than he ever was to Lincoln. And he loved Lincoln.

Is there anything you’d help Shia with in terms of his acting?

Are you kidding? I’m the one asking him advice. I wished he’d been there when I was making Taxi Driver, or Raging Bull. I’m sure he would have given me some good notes. I asked him the other day if he could help me with my recent performances. He said he’d seen The Intern. And he emailed me his reaction.

What did he write?

Three words: ‘Do it again’.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

INDIANA JONES CRITICIZED FOR FAILING TO KILL HITLER

BERKLEY – Indiana Jones has come under intense criticism following a biography of the famous archeologist revealed how in the late 1930s Dr. Jones failed to kill the Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

Esteemed archaeologist and adventurer Indiana Jones has come under sustained attack today following the publication of extracts from a new biography that claims the noted academician met with Adolf Hitler and failed to take any action whatsoever. “Indiana Jones, I Presume” by Dr. Fathma Nichols is due for publication early in the new year but leaks from the book have already provided historians and the world of adventure archeology that Dr. Jones pioneered with some choice titbits of previously unknown information.

Included in the revelations are the fact that Indiana Jones met the leader of the Nazi Party and then Chancellor of Germany Adolf Hitler and not only failed to take any appropriate action, but also asked for the National Socialist’s autograph.

Dr. Nichols writes:

Although the meeting was inopportune – Dr. Jones was accompanied by his elderly father Dr. Henry Jones and there was a massive crowd of devoted Nazis around them – it can only be regretted that Jones did not leap into action and by doing forestall the Second World War and the Holocaust.

However, Indiana Jones supporters made it clear that the biographer’s charges were unfair:

You have to remember that at this point America was not at war with Germany and that on several occasions Dr. Jones had explicitly said ‘Nazis! I hate these guys’. During the Second World War, Jones was to work for the OSS and was never backward in a punch up with a Nazi, especially if there was scope for some propeller blade action.

However, the Nazi revelation, although the most serious, is not the only one.

Others include:

Dr. Jones persistently used unorthodox methods to remove objects from their original locations, and did not do proper surveys of the sites nor did he write complete reports. Although a successful obtainer of rare objects, the destruction that often accompanied his finds meant that proper study was frequently impossible.

Dr. Jones had a girlish fear of snakes.

During the testing of a nuclear weapon in Nevada, Jones hid in an icebox for reasons that are still unclear.

Although hired as a teacher, Dr. Jones record as an educator left a lot to be desired. He would frequently fail to correct course work in a timely fashion and his courses were often abruptly halted as he took an unexplained ‘sabbatical’. In this he was facilitated by his friend and mentor Marcus Brody.

Jones was suspected of being a racist, telling stories of Indian death cults and referring to meals which involved ‘chilled monkey brains’.

Hollywood actor Shia LaBeouf is thought to be his son, but exactly how the dates work has never been fully explained.

Indiana Jones I  Presume, by Dr. Fathma Nichols will be available from Amazon and all good bookshops from January 8, 2016.