LEN WISEMAN TO DIRECT WHERE EAGLES DARE REMAKE

 HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf and Jude Law are set to star in a Len Wiseman remake of the Second World War classic Where Eagles Dare, set to start filming in April 2019.

The action-packed snow-bound reboot will see Shia LaBeouf take the role Shaffer played by Clint Eastwood whereas Jude Law takes on the mantle of Richard Burton as Major Smith.
Len Wiseman ‘director’ says that the film will be an improvement on the original.

It’s like what we did with Clash of the Titans, which was basically a pile of embarrassing crud buckets. We always make a big show of loving the original and blah blah blah but we always and I mean ALWAYS think the original was a crock. Otherwise, why make a new one? Right?

Jude Law also took shots at the original: ‘The acting isn’t up to much. When you think about it, you have a great story and then who do you have as the main character Droney Dicky Burton. Even on a bad day I could shit Richard Burton. And Shia has already proved he’s a thousand times more charismatic than Eastwood.’

What do you think? Is everyone’s favorite Christmas war movie really a load of old piss flaps? Will Shia LaBeouf overtake Clint Eastwood as America’s most iconic leading man? Is Jude Law on drugs?

Where Eagles Dare will be released in 2020.

SHIA LA BEOUF ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S PENIS

COPENHAGEN- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Transformers 2 star Shia LaBeouf has been accused once more of ‘borrowing’ someone else’s work: in this case Michael Fassbender‘s Old Boy.

The young actor faced accusations of creative theft following a screening of Lars Von Trier’s new 4 hour nookie fest Nymphomaniac in Copenhagen. Critics who saw the film are under strict embargo but one of them phoned Studio Exec with this story, telling us the embargo doesn’t count if you don’t give your name. Richard Brody of the New Yorker whispered:

Shia’s dingly-dangly is an exact replica of Michael Fassbender’s love tube in the Steve McQueen film Shame. It’s like a sand worm from Dune.  I’m not saying he outright stole it, but if Fassbender doesn’t have a ‘Special Thanks to…’ credit, then things are very rum.

 The accusations come at a time when Shia LaBeouf was already fielding claims that his new short film was less original than by all rights it ought to have been. He denied the charges. ‘This is what happens when someone has a larger than average package. Everyone wants to jump on it,’ said the Lawless star. 
Michael Fassbender – who is currently winning plaudits in 12 Years a Slave – said that he was ‘flattered and slightly engorged’.

Shia will be released in 2015. 

MAX VON SYDOW IS CHRISTIAN GREY IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD  – The wait is over; the fervid rumors can cease: finally, the film makers turning E.L. James’ erotic literary masterpiece Fifty Shades of Grey have found their Charlie Hunnam replacement and lead: Max Von Sydow.

‘We thought Shia LaBeouf and Ryan Gosling at first and then we thought, maybe Robert Pattinson, but in the end we decided to go with an actor,’ says producer, Hamish McRse. ‘And name me a better actor than famed Swedish thespian Max Von Sydow.’


Von Sydow – or Jesus the Merciless as he prefers to be known – said that he was delighted to have landed the role:

I’ve read the book a number of times and it is very racy, but I’ve talked to my doctors and they say that as long as I get plenty of rest the night before I should be up for it. I will of course follow the example of the great Shia LaBeouf and insist on doing it for real.

 As yet no name has been announced for Anastasia Steele, the young student who is swept up in Christian (Sydow) sadomasochistic sex dominance games sex, although Emma Watson and Jennifer Lawrence have both been rumoured. More on this story as it breaks.

CORRECTION: in an earlier post it was mentioned that Rutger Hauer would be playing the role but that was an error and – as many of you pointed out – plainly ridiculous, he’s much too young.

50 Shades of Grey is due in cinemas sometime in 2014.