BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH’S FEET INSURED FOR £50

HOLLYWOOD – Top insurance firm have insured Benedict Cumberbatch’s feet for £50.

Sherlock and Doctor Strange actor Benedict Cumberbatch is a man of many talents. But perhaps his most widely appreciated are his feet. So much so that the actor has taken out an insurance policy with Dombey and Co Insurers to the tune of £50. We talked to Mr. Karol Dombey himself about his most famous client.

We didn’t actually know who Mr. Cumberbatch was until last Wednesday when he turned up to our offices in flip flops. When he told us he wanted his feet insured, we understood that they are apparently one of his most valuable assets.

How so?

Well, to begin with, the feet support the rest of his alabaster body and maintain its upright position which many find endearing.

And so if anything happens to his feet…?

Then we will compensate him to the tune of £50.

What if something happens to just one foot?

Then it will be £25 a foot. £50 for the set.

Does this cover just accidents or also ailments?

Ailments?

Like athlete’s foot for instance. Or an ingrowing toenail.

No. That doesn’t sound serious enough. We’re more thinking of a scything accident or a landmine. In fact both those eventualities were very specifically laid out in the policy. But athlete’s foot? I mean what’s that? It’s just itchy isn’t it? You can’t insure itchiness!

Why are his feet so valuable?

It’s a sex thing. Obvs. People look at his feet and they feel all weird. Sick and happy at the same time. Like you’ve been tickled too much.

But £50 doesn’t sound that much. I mean, he’s worth millions. 

Maybe not to you, but I’m sure you haven’t factored in the money he’d save on shoes should he lose his feet. So overall he’d be well off, should anything happen. We’re not talking penises here, after all.

I suppose not.

You suppose not.

Patrick Melrose is currently on television.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH’S REAL NAME IS GARY TANK

LONDON – Today it was revealed that Benedict Cumberbatch’s real name is Gary Tank.

Following years of speculation, the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Benedict Cumberbatch’s real name is Gary Tank. Tank changed his name to Cumberbatch when he was drunk on cider and forgot – in a cider fueled Bourneesque way – to change it back again. He confessed to Studio Exec:

I’m so sorry about this. My name embarrassed me, but when I changed it, I chose an even sillier one. How could I know it would become the name I would then have to use for the rest of my life?

However, with the Studio Exec revealing his real name, Cumberbatch has decided to change his name back to Gary Tank:

It’s my name and I should be okay with that.

Sherlock Season 4 will be the last time the actor formerly known as Gary Tank will be credited as Benedict Cumberbatch.

SHERLOCK SEASON 4 REVEALS DARK SECRET

HOLLYWOOD – The fourth season of Sherlock is set to reveal a dark secret.

Benedict Cumberbatch returns for the fourth time as the world’s most famous detective in Sherlock. This time however the sleuth has a new set of skills and a secret identity. Cumberbatch explained to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

to begin with, I’m a rude brain surgeon, a bit like House. And then I have a car crash. I go to the East to learn how to heal my hand but instead learn to become a kind of wizard.

A wizard?

I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it? But only just in time because the world is under attack from a magical being from another dimension and I have to defend it.

What is Watson doing?

Watson?

It sounds like a real change in direction for the show.

What do you mean Sherlock we’re talking about…

At that point, the conversation was cut off by me going to get another drink and forgetting I was in the middle of a conversation.

Sherlock will be shown January 1, 2017.

WILL FERRELL AND JOHN C REILLY REMAKE WITHOUT A CLUE

HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly re-team to remake 1988 Sherlock Holmes comedy Without a Clue.

John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell are back again after their successful comic partnering in Step Brothers and Talladega Nights. The occasion is a remake of Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine comedy Without a Clue.

Ferrell told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re going to call it Holmes & Watson but it’s effectively Without a Clue 2.

What was your inspiration for taking on the world’s most famous detective?

Mostly the fact it hasn’t been done. Oh, yes you can go back to the old Basil Rathbone films but since then nothing.

What about the BBC TV show Sherlock? And Elementary?

Yes, but that’s TV.

And the Guy Ritchie film Sherlock Holmes?

Was that actually based on Sherlock Holmes. I thought it was an Iron Man prequel. The point is none of them have used humor.

But…

And so we’re going to be a completely original remake of Without a Clue.

Holmes & Watson will be released in 2017.

HART TO HART TO GET GAY REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – NBC has announced that they are in the process of developing a gay remake of popular detective show Hart to Hart.

A source close to the Hart to Hart production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

In this new era of marriage equality it is only a matter of time before we start seeing a whole raft of shows featuring same sex couples. In the new show Jonathan and Daniel Hartman, self-made millionaire and his trophy husband will solve a whole series of murders and crimes helped by their faithful manservant Maxine the Butler and their dog Freeway.

The original show featured Robert Wagner, Stephanie Powers and Lionel Stander and speculation is rife as to who will play the leads, but the money is on the renewed pairing of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman with Lady Gaga in the role of Maxine. Rumors that Freeway will be a Chihuahua have been strongly denied.

There is a good chance that the new Hart to Hart will be only the first in a whole raft of remakes realigned to mirror changes in the acceptance and celebration of our diverse sexuality. Rumors are already circulating of a lesbian Cagney and Lacey, an aggressively gay Manimal and a completely heterosexual Dukes of Hazzard.

Hart to Hart is due for broadcast in 2017.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – He’s Alan Turing in The Imitation Game and Smaug in The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, but who is Benedict Cumberbatch really?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to England to collect the Benedict Cumber-FACTS.

1. Although exotic to American ears, in England, from whence Benedict Cumberbatch hails, the name Benedict Cumberbatch is the second most common name in the British Isles, beaten only by Engelbert Humperdink, ironically enough the stage name of Benedict Cumberbatch’s father.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch’s appearance in Star Trek Into Darkness was marked by tragedy. The reveal that he was in fact Khan was such a surprise for audiences that five hundred and seventeen people died of the subsequent heart attacks during screenings. The surprise was so strong that after the first five days J.J. Abrams decided to publicize ‘the best kept secret in Hollywood’ to avoid further deaths.

3. Robert Downey Jr. and Eddie Redmayne were both named in copyright cases brought against them by Benedict Cumberbatch claiming they had copied his work. Redmayne appeared as Stephen Hawking in the Theory of Everything, which Cumberbatch’s legal team claimed was a direct copy of Cumberbatch’s work in the BBC drama Hawking. Likewise Downey Jr. was accused of copying Cumberbatch’s work as Sherlock Holmes. Both cases were thrown out and Judge Norfolk reprimanded Cumberbatch for being ‘frivolous, though dreamy’.

4. In all of Cumberbatch’s film roles, the actor refuses to wear socks. The one exception to this was his turn in The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug in which if one looks carefully you can see that the gold hoarding dragon is wearing a pair of silk tartan socks.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch recently got married to the beautiful Sophie Hunter, an actor and theater director. Many hope this will bring to an end his tenure as the leader of the Hollywood based English actors’ club, the Jolly Bastards. The infamous group has been responsible for a whole series of crimes including swan sacrifice and old lady taunting. However, it was recently reported by den mother Emilia Clarke, that Sophie Hunter will also be joining the club and the horrors will continue.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH FLAVOR ICE-CREAM A HIT

HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch flavor ice-cream proves an unsurprising hit with customers.

A spokesperson for Ben and Jerry’s Ice-Cream Corporation said that the ice-cream was ‘flying off the shelves and proving more popular than Half Baked and  Cherry Garcia’. Described as a a deeply sensual and metro-sexual ice-cream, the taste is most frequently compared to a mix between pipe tobacco and milky tea.

Not only did we have Benedict come in and advise us as we developed the flavor we also used samples of his hair and DNA to infuse the dessert with an intense Benedict-ness that we’ve come to know and love from Sherlock and such films as The Fifth Estate and The Imitation Game. It wasn’t easy to get and the first Cumberbatch we made we had to throw away.

One satisfied customer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It could taste of cow muck and I’d still buy it. I think he’s dreamy.

Stores are having difficulty keeping up with demand and riots have broken out in parts of the US where stocks have run low.

The new Benedict Cumberbatch ice-cream is only the first in a whole new range of Ben and Jerry flavors which are being rolled out this year, including the Michael Fassbender Banana split, Tom Hiddleston and Hazelnuts and Gerard Buttercream.

Ben and Jerry’s Benedict Cumberbatch ice-cream is available at all good stores. 

FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD GOES TO HOLLYWOOD

HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch to star in Bill Condon‘s Bang! the film set to chart the rise and fall of classic 80s band Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

Cumberbatch stars as the singer and band leader Holly Johnson, the Liverpudlian pixie who led his group to world dominance with singles such as Relax and Two Tribes. Eddie Marsan is also on board as Paul ‘I came to Dance’ Rutherford. Gods and Monsters director Condon told Studio Exec today:

The film comes from conversations we had while Benedict and I were making The Fifth Estate. I said what’s your favourite song and he said the Power of Love, which is amazing because my favourite album is Welcome to the Pleasuredome, so I said lets make a film based purely on this conversation.

Cumberbatch, however, reveals that the whole thing was a misunderstanding:

I meant the Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News, not Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Jesus I even prefer Jennifer Rush’s song to that crap pile of an eighties band, but by then it was too late. Bill had got a deal and he looks so sweet when he’s enthusiastic about something. So I went ahead and signed on.

Bang! is due to start filming next August.

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