GUY RITCHIE DETERMINED TO DESTROY ALL BRITISH ICONS WITH NEW BIGGLES MOVIE

LONDON – Robin Hood, King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels director, Guy Ritchie will direct the forthcoming movie version of the First World War flying ace, Biggles.

The Captain W.E. Johns created hero Biggles has been a young boy’s fantasy figure for years, though he has recently fallen out of favor with the rise superhero movies and toy franchises. Ritchie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec on condition we did not refer to his former marriage to Madonna. Madonna first came to prominence in the early Eighties with a series of pop hits produced by her then partner Jellybean. After a stormy relationship with Sean Penn, she went on to release a series of albums which were both commercially and critically successful. Her relationship with Guy Ritchie culminated in the motion picture Swept Away, which subsequently was. Speaking about Biggles, Ritchie (neé Madonna) had this to say:

James ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth is by far the most interesting British hero since Sherlock Holmes and James Bond and yet because of certain old fashioned attitudes he has been unfairly maligned and has all but disappeared from libraries and schools. I hope my film Biggles and the Darkie Menace will make people rethink.

Robert Downey Jr. is said to be interested in the role, because it will continue his recent run of films in which ‘I don’t really have to act or anything.’ Ritchie said that he hopes Downey Jr. will take the part:

Me and Robert have a true understanding having worked together on two pictures. He is one of the most instinctive actors I know. He seems to do no preparation whatsoever. Almost as if he is just ‘dialing in a performance’ as we used to say down London way. Of course, behind that air of casual laziness, I can assure you lie literally minutes of hard work.

Ritchie will hope to reproduce the massive success of Biggles: Adventures in Time, a 1986 film that everyone has largely forgotten.

Biggles and the Darkie Menace will be released in 2020.

GUY RITCHIE CONFIRMS BIGGLES

LONDON – Guy Ritchie continues ruining all British heroes with Biggles film.

King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Robin Hood director, Guy Ritchie will direct the forthcoming movie version of the First World War flying ace, Biggles.

The Captain W.E. Johns created hero Biggles has been a young boy’s fantasy figure for years, though he has recently fallen out of favor with the rise superhero movies and toy franchises. Ritchie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec on condition we did not refer to his former marriage to Madonna. Madonna first came to prominence in the early Eighties with a series of pop hits produced by her then partner Jellybean. After a stormy relationship with Sean Penn, she went on to release a series of albums which were both commercially and critically successful. Her relationship with Guy Ritchie culminated in the motion picture Swept Away, which subsequently was. Speaking about Biggles, Ritchie (neé Madonna) had this to say:

James ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth is by far the most interesting British hero since Sherlock Holmes and James Bond and yet because of certain old fashioned attitudes he has been unfairly maligned and has all but disappeared from libraries and schools. I hope my film Biggles and the Darkie Menace will make people rethink.

Robert Downey Jr. is said to be interested in the role, because it will continue his recent run of films in which ‘I don’t really have to act or anything.’ Ritchie said that he hopes Downey Jr. will take the part:

Me and Robert have a true understanding having worked together on two pictures. He is one of the most instinctive actors I know. He seems to do no preparation whatsoever. Almost as if he is just ‘dialing in a performance’ as we used to say down London way. Of course, behind that air of casual laziness, I can assure you lie literally minutes of hard work.

Ritchie will hope to reproduce the massive success of Biggles: Adventures in Time, a 1986 film that everyone has largely forgotten.

Biggles and the Darkie Menace will be released in 2019.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR’S DOG TALKS DOCTOR DOOLITTLE

HOLLYWOOD – We talk to Robert Downey Jr’s dog about preparations for his new film The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle.

Iron Man star Robert Downey Jr is to play Doctor Doolittle in a new film The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle. This came as no surprise to Bangs, Downey Jr’s ten-year-old sheep dog. Bangs sat down to talk EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Robert’s excited about the new film. He could talk about nothing else. I remember when Eddie Murphy played the role, the animal community was horrified. You see Murphy played Donkey in Shrek as well and we saw that as taking a job from a real donkey. It isn’t like donkeys have much opportunity to work and for a human actor to take a role like that, well for us it’s as bad as black face.

How is Robert’s Bark?

Oh, it’s worse than his bite. Ha ha ha. No just a little sheep dog humor there. No, it’s good. And he’s fluent in cat, though that is mainly facial expression and inscrutable stares. Goldfish he’s got down but that’s such a small vocabulary. He’s going to have to pick up some of the more exotic languages. Giraffe, lion, elephant, cobra, llama, rhinoceros and hippopotamus. Russell Crowe came over last night and was teaching him the basics of kangaroo.

That sounds great. You must have been jumping for joy. 

That’s just racist. What the fuck is wrong with you man?

I’m sorry I just meant…

I know exactly what you meant. You fucking humans are all the same. You finally start speaking to us and all you can do is make lame jokes and trade in reductive stereotypes. Man, Caesar is right about you assholes!

Who’s Caesar?

I don’t need to tell you nothing. Wait until Robert hears about this. He’s going to be madder than a motherfucker. No respect. You got no respect.

Fetch!

Wait, where’d it go? Where’d it go?

The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle will be released in 2018.

WILL FERRELL AND JOHN C REILLY REMAKE WITHOUT A CLUE

HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly re-team to remake 1988 Sherlock Holmes comedy Without a Clue.

John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell are back again after their successful comic partnering in Step Brothers and Talladega Nights. The occasion is a remake of Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine comedy Without a Clue.

Ferrell told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re going to call it Holmes & Watson but it’s effectively Without a Clue 2.

What was your inspiration for taking on the world’s most famous detective?

Mostly the fact it hasn’t been done. Oh, yes you can go back to the old Basil Rathbone films but since then nothing.

What about the BBC TV show Sherlock? And Elementary?

Yes, but that’s TV.

And the Guy Ritchie film Sherlock Holmes?

Was that actually based on Sherlock Holmes. I thought it was an Iron Man prequel. The point is none of them have used humor.

But…

And so we’re going to be a completely original remake of Without a Clue.

Holmes & Watson will be released in 2017.

DOWNEY JR. AND CUMBERBATCH IN SHERLOCK XMAS SPECIAL

LONDON – Robert Downey Jr and Benedict Cumberbatch will co-star in a Xmas Special edition of Sherlock for the BBC, written by Steven Moffat and directed by Guy Ritchie.

Writer Moffat told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the idea of getting Cumberbatch and Downey Jr together:

We’re absolutely stoked about this opportunity. Benedict Cumberbatch and Robert Downey Jr. have given audiences an amazing pair of Sherlocks, entirely different, but entirely convincing and to see them together in an adventure is almost too exciting for words. My cerebral and witty script will be complemented by Mr. Guy Ritchie’s high octane, and slightly nonsensical action direction.

How will you explain the presence of two Sherlocks in the same world?

That’s relatively easy. It’s no secret that I also have had a hand in the new Doctor Who. Well, I’ve decided to move both the Sherlocks into the Doctor Who universe. In fact, there is a reveal that explains how it is that Sherlocks are so clever. What I’m saying is what if the Sherlocks actually had access to a machine that allowed them to travel in time and were also able to regenerate.

Sherlock Holmes is a Time Lord?

Not only a Time Lord. Why not THE Time Lord?

Doctor Sherlock Holmes will be broadcast on Christmas Day.

GUY RITCHIE CONFIRMS BIGGLES

LONDON – King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels director, Guy Ritchie will direct the forthcoming movie version of the First World War flying ace, Biggles.

The Captain W.E. Johns created hero Biggles has been a young boy’s fantasy figure for years, though he has recently fallen out of favor with the rise superhero movies and toy franchises. Ritchie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec on condition we did not refer to his former marriage to Madonna. Madonna first came to prominence in the early Eighties with a series of pop hits produced by her then partner Jellybean. After a stormy relationship with Sean Penn, she went on to release a series of albums which were both commercially and critically successful. Her relationship with Guy Ritchie culminated in the motion picture Swept Away, which subsequently was. Speaking about Biggles, Ritchie (neé Madonna) had this to say:

James ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth is by far the most interesting British hero since Sherlock Holmes and James Bond and yet because of certain old fashioned attitudes he has been unfairly maligned and has all but disappeared from libraries and schools. I hope my film Biggles and the Darkie Menace will make people rethink.

Robert Downey Jr. is said to be interested in the role, because it will continue his recent run of films in which ‘I don’t really have to act or anything.’ Ritchie said that he hopes Downey Jr. will take the part:

Me and Robert have a true understanding having worked together on two pictures. He is one of the most instinctive actors I know. He seems to do no preparation whatsoever. Almost as if he is just ‘dialing in a performance’ as we used to say down London way. Of course, behind that air of casual laziness, I can assure you lie literally minutes of hard work.

Ritchie will hope to reproduce the massive success of Biggles: Adventures in Time, a 1986 film that everyone has largely forgotten.

Biggles and the Darkie Menace will be released in 2019.

MARK STRONG: I’M NOT EVIL

HOLLYWOOD – British actor Mark Strong has asserted today that he is ‘not evil’, despite appearing to be evil in such films as The Guard, Kick Ass, Green Lantern, Robin Hood and Sherlock Holmes.

The actor told the Studio Exec:

I admit I have been typecast as a bit of a villain, but I’m a working actor so I take what I can and hopefully as my career progresses I’ll be offered perhaps a more varied selection of roles and people will see what I can really do.

Does it anger you when people confuse with the roles you play?

No, not at all. I think it’s funny. And after people have talked to me for a few minutes, they realize it’s just all part of the job.

But what if people insist that you’re evil, how do you handle that?

There’s nothing to handle. I mean people are really intelligent. 99% of people understand that it’s pretend and they behave accordingly.

What about that 1% though?

Well, it depends.

What do you mean?

Okay if someone doesn’t get it and after I explain time and again, I might lose my temper a little.

You shout at them?

No. What I do is I find out if anyone would miss them. You know if they were to disappear would there be an investigation. How thorough would it be? Do they live in a building, or in a detached lonely location? Somewhere with no security. Once I’ve captured them, I …

Captured them?

Yes. As I was saying once I’ve captured them I take them over to Tom’s place.

Tom?

Tom Hiddleston, he has this hole in his cellar. I mean I say hole, it’s more like a dungeon really. It’s where he puts people who insist on calling him Loki all the time. 

Ah.

Yeah. It was Tom who told me how to capture people.

 I think that’s all we have time for.

Of course he has amazing drainage. And industrial strength acid.

Mark Strong will be appearing in The Imitation Game in 2015.

REMAKE WATCH: GUY RITCHIE’S THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E

ROME – Due to be released this year, Guy Ritchie sets off on a globe trotting franchise with The Man From U.N.C.L.E. starring Henry Cavill as Napoleon Solo and Armie Hammer as Illya Kuryakin.  

Based on the NBC TV show which ran from 1964-68, the new film employs the writing-directing team which brought us the most recent cinematic version of Sherlock Holmes. Director Ritchie has vowed that it will be the most ecological film ever made, using wood coming only from sustainable forests and woodland. Henry Cavill, who recently mahogany-ed it up as Man of Steel, will go trunk to trunk with the Lone Ranger himself, Armie Hammer. Additional timber will be provided by Hugh Grant and a possible guest appearance by David Beckham, whose role will presumably be too make the others look like actors. Plot details are scant but if Ritchie’s recent form is anything to go by, you can expect a tongue in cheek romp which doesn’t overly disturb higher brain functions. One can also hope that with international intrigue high on the agenda, it keeps Mr. Ritchie away from his blessed cockneys. 

SCHWARZENEGGER REPLACES DOWNEY. JR FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES 3

HOLLYWOOD – After Robert Downey Jr announced that he had ‘better things to do’ and stepped away from the Sherlock Holmes franchise, producer Joel Silver has decided to go back to his eighties roots and re-team with his Commando and Predator star Arnold Schwarzenegger for Sherlock Holmes: The Scarlet Helicopter.

Silver had this to say about the subject:

The one problem I had with the previous two films in the series were that there was not one helicopter in either film, and I, Joel Silver, find that completely unacceptable, unfortunately Warner Bros. said to me that there was no way I was ruining their cash cow by adding a helicopter into the films for no reason. Also that it didn’t make sense during that time period. With Rob now gone, they’ve told me I can basically do what I like with it now  as they don’t care, so Arnold is Holmes, Jesse Ventura is Watson and the helicopter is the villain so I think we’re on to something here.

Holmes’ new nemesis



When asked about the news Arnold told us “I’m back!” but when reminded that this is the first movie his been involved with in the series he said “I’ll be back!” He promised “less mystery and more muscles.” Walter Hill or Ivan Reitman have both been touted as possible directors. Jesse Ventura also made a statement, but fortunately nobody was listening as everyone had lost interest.

Sherlock Holmes and the Scarlet Helicopter will be released Xmas 2015.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. TO RETURN TO ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – While promoting his blockbusting new film Iron Man 3, Robert Downey Jr. hinted at a press conference in Quebec that he might be returning to acting after a fifteen year absence.

‘I do miss it,’ he said. ‘And should the right script come along I might be persuaded, but I am making a lot of money just being me with different names.’

In a moment of almost embarrassing candor he continued:

Acting is actually quite hard work. You have to get a character and maybe even research him or at least think about him and then pretend to have these emotions and experiences and what not. With Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes, I’m just me and then we swap the names in post.

Downey Jr. cited Chaplin as the film when he last put in a proper performance. ‘Since then it has been free-wheeling fun,’ he laughed.

Downey Jr. reacted angrily however when one journalist – Xavier Poulis of the French cultural magazine Chapeau – asked him if he would apologize for his participation in Shaggy Dog, a Tim Allen ‘comedy’ which caused widespread offence in the Islamic world because ‘it was shit’. Downey snarled:

As an artist I would defend anyone’s right to express themselves freely, and I think as a kind of hack, I ought to have the same rights as an artist.

Iron Man 3 something something money money.