MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S FLUTE ALBUM A MASSIVE HIT IN GERMANY

BERLIN – Michael Fassbender hits number one on all German charts with his collection of flute music.

Michael Fassbender is one of the world’s most promising young actors. In films such as Fishtank, Hunger and Shame he has shown himself a startling performer and more recently with Alien: Covenant, someone who can make a move into the mainstream. So it might come as a surprise that in Germany Michael Fassbender is known primarily as a flautist. Gustav Bok, secretary of the Fassbender Flaut Uber Alles club told the Studio Exec: fassbender

Of course Michael is part German so that suggests perhaps why we Germans love him so much. But obviously it is the flute playing which is the most important thing. Michael has a wonderful pair of lips and he purses them just so. Making for the sweetest sound. And his lungs! Boy does this guy have the lungs. Many of our members don’t even realise he is an actor. They go to his concerts and buy his CDs and music. Many only went to Alien: Covenant because Michael plays the flute in it.

Fassbender’s flute antics also landed him a big role with a Hollywood director. Quentin Tarantino tells the story:

I was in Germany on a tour with a film and I was watching television and there was this massive flute concert and I didn’t even realise that fluting was so big in Germany. And I don’t mean like a flute and an orchestra. This is just one guy and a flute and he’s up there for three hours. It’s unbelievable. Magical even. And I thought I haev to have this guy. It was only when we were actually on set and filming Inglourious Basterds that this guy could actually speak English as well.

Michael Fassbender’s Flute Favorites is available on iTunes.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MICHAEL FASSBENDER

HOLLYWOOD – He is one of the most exciting actors around, appearing in Slow West, Assassin’s Creed and a new version of Macbeth, but what do we really know about Michael Fassbender?

The Michael Fassbender FACT squad parachuted behind enemy lines last night, to get FACTS! Here they are:

1. Michael Fassbender has a large penis.

2. Michael Fassbender’s penis is half Irish and half German, a fact which led to Quentin Tarantino casting him in Inglourious Basterds.

3. The many failings of Prometheus could not be blamed on Michael Fassbender’s penis, which was the best thing in it.

4. Michael Fassbender’s penis is due to perform a one man show off Broadway. Details are unconfirmed but it is mainly believed to be stand up.

5. Michael Fassbender’s penis is attached to a versatile and talented actor who has been brilliant in Hunger, Shame and 12 Years a Slave as well as some films not directed by Steve McQueen, like X-Men: First Class and Frank.

For more FACTS click HERE.

SHAME RE-RELEASED IN IMAX 3D

HOLLYWOOD – Steve McQueen’s second feature – Shame starring Michael Fassbender – is to get a 3D IMAX release this month.

James Cameron said that this ‘was exactly what 3D was for.’

The Aliens director went on and on:

Can you imagine Michael Fassbender’s massive performance on the massive IMAX screen and then add to that the 3D which will mean you can almost, in the words of Depeche Mode, reach out and touch it? I know that I’ll be first in line to see that.

Steve McQueen himself remains skeptical of the new technology.

‘Cinema itself is an immersive experience and I’m not sure what this can add,’ he told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY. ‘But then again, money.’

Shame will be on limited release in IMAX cinemas near you from Friday.

SOFIA COPPOLA LITTLE MERMAID TREATMENT LEAKS

HOLLYWOOD – Sofia Coppola is to direct a live action version of the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale The Little Mermaid, promising a darker version of the original tale. Studio Exec has managed to obtain an early treatment written by Shame scribe Abi Morgan but modified heavily by the Lost in Translation director.

The Little Mermaid (Emma Watson-ish) lives in the Sea Kingdom with her father Francis Ford MerKing, an underwater visionary, director of the majorly famous The Codfather but who has lost his powers and takes meds and stuff. The Mermaid has all she wants, spending a lot of her time dressing up in Gucci and Armani and Dolce and Gabana and Valentino and you know clothes, but also kind of I want to say feeling empty inside, like tragic? One day she swims to the surface of the ‘ocean’ I suppose and she says this totes hot guy, who is an older guy perhaps (Jason Schwartzmen?), or maybe a younger guy (Zac Efron) who just doesn’t get her. Anyway she comes out of the water and sings karaoke with the prince to like these rad eighties songs and then does this crazy pole dance and then they get a bit sad (Air montage). Then you know they can’t be together because someone commits suicide, or overdoses on something I’m thinking. The End.

The Rich But Misunderstood Vertically Challenged and Ironically Self-Aware Mermaid will be released in 2015. 

NORWAY INTRODUCES TITTY CERTIFICATE

OSLO – In direct response to Sweden’s adoption of the Bechdel Test inspired certification which will warn cinema-goers of a not untypical lack of female representation, Norway have announced that in collaboration with Mr. Skin they will be offering a new ‘Titty certificate’ to assure viewers that their money won’t be wasted and titties will be visible.

In an attempt to be even-handed, cocks will be digitally added to T certificate films in order to even up the voyeuristic pleasure between the sexes. 

‘We’re using the cock Mr. Michael Fassbender wore in Shame,’ said Norway’s Minister for Culture, Thorhild Widvey.   

We asked the Minister if the Norwegians weren’t missing the whole point. After all, gender bias in films is a definite problem and the Swedes were at least trying to address it, but Torhild just kept sniggering and saying ‘cock’ and ‘titties’ and then giggling again. 

Our European film expert, Xavier Poulis offered this observation:

The Norwegians and the Swedes have hated each other for centuries and so it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. It is sad to see it being played out at the expense of such a well-meaning idea, but on the bright side there are many cinemas in America who are now looking at a similar certification process. 

You mean adopting the Bechdel test as a criteria for gauging female under-representation?

Hell no. The T certificate. Although they’ll probably looking to take on an A certificate as well.

For?

T and A? Come on.

The Bechdel Test: the Movie starring Sarah Jessica Parker will be released in 2015, certificate T. 

STEVE MCQUEEN IS NOT STEVE MCQUEEN

HOLLYWOOD – Today shock waves fractured the fragile calm that had reigned in Hollywood since the news of Josh Brolin’s arrest, when a metaphorical bombshell exploded unleashing a hailstorm of burning fact shrapnel through the innocent bus queue of Southern Californian film life: famed and celebrated British Shame and Hunger film director Steve McQueen ended months of speculation and admitted that he was not Steve McQueen, the long dead American film actor.

Film historian Mark McKicklely said that the revelation only came as a surprise to idiots:

He’s black, he the wrong age, he’s a different body shape, he’s British, but most importantly, he isn’t dead. 

However, die hard McQueen fan, Donna Shack said that she was devastated:

We were hoping that he would return to acting and we could have had a whole bunch of sequels: The Great Escape 2, Papillion 2, The Magnificent Fourteen. Now that dream has gone. I feel like someone has literally ripped my heart from my chest. 

What do you think? Is Steve McQueen Steve McQueen or is Steve McQueen not Steve McQueen?
YOU DECIDE!!!