TAYLOR SWIFT OKAY WITH TOM HIDDLESTON’S SWAN KILLING PAST

HOLLYWOOD – ‘I don’t care if he killed a swan,’ says Taylor Swift, defending her new love Tom Hiddleston.

The whiz-bang romance of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston hit a small bump in the road when the pop singer had to confront the fact of Tom Hiddleston’s record of swan killing. Although the event occurred several years ago, Hiddleston has been branded a swan murderer – perhaps the most heinous of crimes – in his native Britain and has been unable to return to the ‘Sceptred Isle’ except to pick up some stuff or drop in for a cup of tea (but no biscuits). Swift opened up about her lover’s dark history (click here for the details) EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I know people said to me, don’t get involved with a swan murderer. They said once someone has the taste of swan murder in their mouth they never let it go. But I think that people exaggerate this stuff. They’re always trying to get between you and what is good. After all, haters gonna hate, hate, …

Yes, but it must affect you.

If he’d you know killed the swan violently, yes it would, but he just kind of drowned it peacefully. And Tom told me the swan was in a lot of pain.

The swan was fine, just swimming and he kicked its head off. 

Well, yeah maybe. But are you sure that it wasn’t the swan’s fault?

What do you mean?

Well, maybe as Tom was trying to help the swan and the swan started to thrash around and its head came off.

You mean to say the swan…

Shook it off. Yes.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston will be appearing in Las Vegas, August.

SCIENTISTS CONFIRM TAYLOR SWIFT FINDINGS

MASSACHUSETTS – Scientist at MIT have confirmed that the hypotheses forwarded by Ms. Taylor Swift in her song Shake It Off are confirmed by empirical evidence as well as under laboratory conditions.

Dr. Habbley Athernot told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We first heard the song like many others as just another pleasant tune from the toothsome songstress and multi-award winning artist. However, it occurred to some of us that some of her ideas might be testable and more importantly we could get both media coverage and a grant.

So what did you do?

Well, some of the experiments were carried out through mass observation in the field but others involved controlled experiments that we could perform in the laboratory. Following a combination of the two which logged over three hundred hours in the field and a little over a thousand carefully chosen test subjects we were able to pronounce with a 87% chance of certainty that Ms. Swift was 100% accurate.

How so?

Of all the haters we looked at, and we contacted about 700 we found that 100% admitted hating something and therefore haters are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Likewise anyone who self-identified as a player (we interviewed about 500 of these) also confirmed to having played a game, or having played life metaphorically as if it was a game, so players are similarly going to play, play, play, play, play. Fakers are famously difficult to study, but using control groups and blind experiments along with industrial quantities of  sodium thiopental, more commonly known as sodium pentothal, we found they would indeed fake fake fake fake fake. We came across some difficulty when we tried to understand the mechanism by which we can access whether heart-breakers are going to break, but we are willing to go with Ms. Swift because she was also accurate about another matter: the number of times haters hate, players play and heart-breakers break. Specifically, five.

And what about the solution of ‘shaking it off’?

At this point, that’s what I would call an testable hypothesis, but it wouldn’t be beyond reason to think that at some point in the future we might have the technology to actually measure the efficacy of shaking it off, which I’m presuming is masturbation.

However, despite the findings of MIT, a rival group of scientists at Princeton have posited that Kanye West was actually correct in his contention that Beyoncé and not Taylor Swift should have won the best video at the VMAs in 2009. ‘We’ve proved it with numbers,’ said the head of the research group. ‘MIT can go suck it.’

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TAYLOR SWIFT SONG LINKED TO RISE IN GANG VIOLENCE

HOLLYWOOD – The release of a new Taylor Swift song ‘Shake it Off!’ has been linked to a sharp peak in gang violence this weekend.

Commentators have pinned the blame on the songstress and VMA winner for a number of drive bys and shootings and police have issued a warning to the singer, asking her to refrain from music ‘if at all possible’.

Cultural commentator and sociologist Xavier Poulis told Studio Exec:

I don’t know what it is about Ms. Swift’s sound, but the moment a new record of hers hits the ‘streets’ the next sound heard is the unloading of Uzis and Glocks and the screaming and crying of the wounded and dying. It could be that she speaks to the black experience like no other, because she herself is not black; is in fact as white as it is possible to be. Maybe it’s because her heart rending vulnerability adds tenderness to what is otherwise a brutal existence. As she sings, ‘players gonna play play play play, haters gonna hate hate hate hate’.

What has made Shake It Off a particularly incendiary mix is the music video which accompanies the song and has the country singer dressed as a gang member amidst twerking dancers.

Spike Lee didn’t watch the video and so was immediately available for comment:

It’s an obviously insulting appropriation of black culture for racist ends. What is so disgusting though is that so many brothers love the Swift and are willing to go to war with rival gangs whenever she has a song out.

When Kanye West interrupted her acceptance speech at the VMAs in 2009, LA exploded in rioting and Kanye West’s home and record company was burned to the ground.

Hopefully this year’s VMAs will pass without incident, but chances are more than a few gunshot victims won’t be able to ‘shake it off’!