HOLLYWOOD – Lana Del Ray, Shailene Woodley, Taylor Swift and Kirsten Dunst are not feminists and have taken the radically brave position of standing up for the status quo, ‘because patriarchy works for all of us and not just men who feminists – if they had their way – would almost certainly kill, or something’.

The movement against feminism taken by privileged rich women should be applauded. Kirsten Dunst has come out as a pioneer for those women who wish to go back to the Fourteenth Century to enjoy the benefits of death in childbirth and droit du seigneur:

Sometimes, you need your knight in shining armor. You need a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman. That’s why relationships work.

Asked if she was a feminist, Divergent actor Shailene Woodley diverged from the Femi-Nazi-ist position:

No, because I love men, and I think the idea of ‘raise women to power, take the men away from the power’ is never going to work out because you need balance … And also I think that if men went down and women rose to power, that wouldn’t work either. We have to have a fine balance.

Here she joins the vast majority of men who also would like a fine balance with women cleaning lavatories and being sexy while the male takes care of the football watching and porn. Taylor Swift remarked: 

I don’t really think about things as guys versus girls. I never have. I was raised by parents who brought me up to think if you work as hard as guys, you can go far in life.

Lana Del Rey said the whole thing was a snore bore, compared to intergalactic politics which nowadays are much more pressing than female circumcision, reproduction rights, the terrifying incidents of rape around the world, income parity and domestic violence: 

For me, the issue of feminism is just not an interesting concept. I’m more interested in, you know, SpaceX and Tesla, what’s going to happen with our intergalactic possibilities. Whenever people bring up feminism, I’m like, god. I’m just not really that interested. My idea of a true feminist is a woman who feels free enough to do whatever she wants.

You can almost hear Sylvia Pankhurst shouting ‘You go girl!’ as she spins energetically in her grave.