KEN LOACH TO DIRECT SEX AND THE CITY 3

NEW YORK – Ken Loach will direct Sex and the City 3.

Ken Loach takes over from Brett Ratner who producers had deemed ‘overly intellectual’. The English director interrupted a world tour of boycotting film festivals that don’t endorse the immediate abolition of Israel, in order to start working on Sex and the City 3 straight away.

‘I used to watch the TV series religiously,’ said old Land and Freedom. ‘By which I mean on Sundays.’

The Raining Stones director continued:

I believe that in its original format it represented one of the most incisive indictments of free market capitalism and the vacuous deficiencies of consumerism. Carrie and Samantha represent the proletariat in a state of extreme false consciousness. Truly gripping.

Sarah Jessica Parker said that she had been having long discussion with Kenny for years. ‘He’d phone and we’d bitch about cellulite and joke about oral sex. Believe me he’s a perfect fit.’

Many friends of the director see this as a personal triumph. The director, who is in his seventies, suffers from Ponderous Disease, a condition which causes the patient’s fingers to get stuck to his/her chin. 

The news comes as hopes for the film were collapsing. Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall and Cynthia Nixon will return as will Chris North. 

Sex and the City 3: the Collapse of Capitalism will be released in 2019.

SOCIAL REALISM CAUSES POVERTY IN BRITAIN

BOLTON – British film directors Ken Loach, Mike Leigh, Shane Meadows, Andrea Arnold and Clio Barnard have been accused of causing poverty on a massive scale in Great Britain.

According to a new study by the University of East Anglia, the poorest members of British society are most troubled not by drug addiction, treatable disease, malnutrition or suicide, but by social realistic cinema. Prof. Cathy Newton explained:

It all began int he 1960s when a young BBC filmmaker called Ken Loach began his career and chose to tell the stories of marginalized poverty stricken members of society. He was soon joined by the likes of Mike Leigh, Shane Meadows et al. What people don’t realise is that Loach and his cronies would often cause the misery he was proposing to ‘document’, and often killed hundreds of poor people to make just one ten minute sequence. And I’m afraid the practice has become more extreme as the years have gone on.

Shane Meadows – the director of This is England – recently told French cultural magazine Chapeau:

If I turn up at a housing estate and everyone is happy, I call my gang of thugs and they come and break the windows, punch the women and spray the place with dog doings, because that is my milieu!

Andrea Arnold’s Fish Tank was a celebrated view of Broken Britain, but the director was accused of dragging poor people behind cars for sixteen miles so that they looked appropriately miserable. ‘They don’t feel it, the way we do,’ commented the director, laughing her head off. Most recently, The Selfish Giant tells the story of two working class boys stealing scrap metal. Clio Barnard the director gleefully admitted to smacking the child actors in the face with a copy of Das Kapital until they were both left utterly unaware that they had actually been educated in Eton.

Ken Loach’s new film Sex and the City 3 will be released in 2016. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT KEN LOACH

NUNEATON – Ken Loach, the veteran British filmmaker, is a character surrounded by enigma and mystery. What are his politics? No one knows.

What does he think about the Israeli/Palestinian question? You’ve got me. When’s Sex and the City 3 coming out? Who can say? Well actually, the Studio Exec FACT SQUAD can! So here are 5 FACTS to rain like Kes stones upon your Land and Freedom.

1. Ken Loach began his career in British television where he made a name for himself creating and directing the shocking social realism of Bagpus. A drama that stunned British viewers with its explicit depiction of a young girl seeking advice from stuffed cat and a factory full of slave mice workers

 2. Ken’s first film was the hugely successful film Kes, but according to novelist and screenwriter Barry Hines the film was almost ruined by Loach’s experimental approach. Hines told the Radio Times: “Ken was convinced that Colin Welland should play the kestrel. I disagreed, Colin disagreed, but Ken insisted. It was only on the first day of filming when Colin – dressed in a feather suit – perched gingerly on David Bradley’s arm, that Ken took one look through the viewfinder and realized it wasn’t going to work.”

 3. Loach has always maintained that most of his films including Riff Raff and Raining Stones have been inspired by his deep hatred of the Working Class. ‘They are stupid, smelly and all they ever do is watch X Factor,’ he recently remarked. (Click Here for a full interview).

 4. Although a vocal critic of the Israeli treatment of Palestinians, what many people don’t know is that Ken Loach once played in goal for Israeli national football team. It is believed that Loach’s hostility to Israel only began when he was dropped from the team on discovery that he was actually born in Nuneaton and had British citizenship.

 5. Although speculation is rife that his next feature film Jimmy’s Hall may well be his last, Loach has in fact already film Sex and the City 3 (Click Here for more), but the studio is holding it up because of ‘tonal inconsistencies and an ambivalence towards the benefits of free market capitalism’, whatever that means.

 For more FACTS click here.

BREAKFASTS WITH ASSHOLES: 22. KEN LOACH

LONDON – Ken Loach arrives in the dining room of the Ritz, London, surrounded by his massive entourage: security guards, PAs, hair consultants, spectacle polishers and Socialist Worker newspaper vendors.

He’s talking on his iPhone with Bruce Willis while waving his minders to push away the delegation from Venezuela. ‘Ciao, ciao, Brucie, M’Wah!’ he says as he plumps down into the chintzy armchair reserved especially for him and gives me a jaded look over. ‘I suppose you’ll do.’

So Ken, could I just ask…

I say, call me Mr. Loach old boy! One doesn’t do informality. One would think we were at Claridges! The very idea!

I’m sorry Mr. Loach.

Think nought of it, old fellow. Garcon! Garcon! Yes, quails eggs and caviar. Pronto.

So, Mr. Loach how do you feel about being awarded the Golden Bear Award for Lifetime Achievement from the Berlin Film Festival. 

Delighted, obviously. Delighted. T’is a gong and even at my age one feels very humble to be recognized. Plus the Jerries are about as far from those blasted Israelis as it’s possible to get. So there’s that!

You have made a career of making politically challenging films.

It all started when I was passed over for Dr. No and that talentless hack Terrence Young got the gig. I thought it’s the bloody Carry On films all over again. I had been slated to direct Carry On Nurse but that tart Gerald Thomas slipped in. After that Dilys Powell said ‘Do political’. I said ‘Dilys dear, I don’t my Whigs from me Harold Wilson’, but I read a copy of the Morning Star and quicker than you can say Trotsky I’d made Kes.   

And you never looked back.

I was always trying to get something else. I would have loved to have made Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines or Sex and the City 2, but by the time my name had got about I was pigeonholed. All I could do was stuff about the grubby working class, workshy layabouts to a man. Sitting around drinking tea, and trying to diddle their betters out of their land and wealth.  

So you’re saying you don’t actually agree with the political point of the view that your films seem to subscribe to?

Karl [addressing one of his security team], Karl, pray, strike this hack roughly about the top of the head.

Ouch.

No, young man. I do not subscribe to the Bolshevik nonsense that some read into my films. My films, for me, represent a social comedy of the stupidity of the hapless lower orders. Raining Stones: idiot wants a dress for his daughter’s confirmation. The Wind that Shakes the Barley: bog thick Murphys knocking seven shades out of each other for who knows what. Land and Freedom: ditto but with Spaniards.

 Some have said that your next film might be your last.

Indeed, though if Sarah Jessica Parker wishes for me to help her with Sex and the City 3 I will be more than glad to proffer my services. 

Jimmy’s Hall will be released in 2014 and Sex and the City 3 in 2015.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER SIGNS ON FOR THE BECHDEL TEST

NEW YORK – Socialite and ‘actress’ Sarah Jessica Parker has signed up for Lynne Ramsey’s The Bechdel Test

Based on the ‘Dykes to Watch Out For’ comic strip by Alison Bechdel, the film has been in development since the Eighties. One higher up at Warner Bros told the Studio Exec:

We’ve been trying to make a film that will at once highlight and redress the problem of the under representation of women in mainstream Hollywood cinema. I don’t know why it’s been so difficult getting this film off the ground, because pppffff… we really care about this and…. pfff I’m sorry and we want to do this because… pfff. we care. Sorry I have something in my throat. 

The rules of the Bechdel Test are simple. For a film to pass it must have at least two named female characters, they must talk to each other and the subject of their conversation must be something other than men. The test was recently destroyed by UK film blog Flickering Myth who published an article by Luke Owen that comprised of just three words: “Alien 3. Amazing!”

Sarah Jessica Parker seemed undeterred though:

Luke Owen’s an asshole. He set up the Bechdel test as this complete straw man so that he could knock it down and thus maintain his patriarchal hegemony bullshit. 

So where did you hear about the Bechdel test?

We were filming Sex and the City 3 with Ken Loach and he got to telling the girls all about female misrepresentation and, worst still, under representation and we all said you know what that’s bullshit. So I called my agent and we got on it.  

What will the film be about?

We’re going ironic. We have two unnamed female characters and they basically talk for two hours. And it’s all about men. You see what we’re doing?

No. 

And you know who we talk about?

No.

That asshole Luke Owen from Flickering Myth. And we are not kind.

Sex and the City 3 is due out in 2015.