SERIAL KILLER INTERIOR DESIGNS (PROMOTIONAL POST)

HOLLYWOOD – A rare promotional post that helps keep Studio Exec afloat.

Hi, I’m James Gumm, managing director of Serial Killer Interior Designs. We are the leaders in this exciting new field of cutting edge innovation, design and vision.

Our team of highly trained experts will lead you through the step by step process of taking your unused living space, your cellar say, or your cellar, and turning it into your very own Serial Killer Den.

Whether it’s the clean modernist lines of a Girl with the Dragon Tattoo murder room, the industrial wasteland of the Hostel movies or the more traditional collection of broken dolls, religious memorabilia and bone sculptures of Seven and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we have ideas and plans to serve even the most depraved tastes. 

Partially decomposed body in a bath? No, problem. Collections of snakes in shoe boxes? You’ve come to the right place. Jars? I think we’ve got some lying around.

So don’t hesitate: contact us today and take advantage of our special Southern Gothic offer to celebrate True Detective, made entirely of twigs.

‘It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.’

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DAVID FINCHER

HOLLYWOOD – Gone Girl director David Fincher is one of the few American film makers who seems able to work in the mainstream, make some fairly dreadful movies (Panic Room, Benjamin Button), some fairly good ones (Fight Club, Se7en), and still inspire respect in the critical community.

Our FACT squad descended on the Fight Club director likes a pack of starving rats and stripped his bones clean of all fact tissue, quite literally. 

1. Despite including a specific rule in the film, everyone talks about Fight Club, which infuriates David Fincher, who is a stickler for rules. 

2. David Fincher got his first job in the cinema as a special effect supervisor on Return of the Jedi. Anyone watching the film closely can spot his cameo as the Rancor Keeper, Malakili. His acting skills attracted so much attention that Lucas suggested he pursue acting as a possible career. Fincher lost weight especially but in the end no one wanted him, because Lucas was wrong and Fincher was actually a crap actor. 

3. When making Se7en, Fincher tried to murder someone in order ‘to get the feel’. However, he hurt his hand and was quickly overpowered. 

4. Although nominated for an Oscar for The Social Network, David Fincher prefers MySpace.  

5. The Game that Michael Douglas plays in The Game is actually based on a version of Cluedo, but with all the rules changed to avoid copyright issues.

For more FACTS click HERE.

DARREN ARONOFSKY AND DAVID FINCHER FOUND ALIVE AND WELL AFTER HAVING GOT LOST IN THE WOODS

HOLLYWOOD – Film directors Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher have been rescued alive and well from the Appalachian Trail which they had begun two years ago.

Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky and his best pal Seven director, David Fincher yesterday emerged from the woods in Georgia. They were dehydrated and hungry, but otherwise in good health.

Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher decided to embark on the Appalachian trail in 2014, following the release of Fincher’s Gone Girl, an adaptation of the best seller by Gillian Flynn. However, friends of the pair became concerned when the two film directors failed to contact anyone for six months. A friend of the pair told Studio Exec:

The boys had wanted to do this trail for years. But I was always worried, because neither one of them is particularly capable. I remember David telling Darren, ‘The first rule of the Appalachian Trail is you don’t take a map of the Appalachian Trail.’ I thought that was dumb. I was hoping that Darren would have more sense, but then again he did think Noah would be a hit, so what does he know, right?

 According to Aronofsky, problems began almost immediately:

We set off but whenever I asked David about a decision – putting up the tent, lighting a camp fire, orienteering – he just kept telling me that he’d fix it in post with CGI.

However, Fincher also criticized his companion:

Darren is a wonderful friend, but he isn’t very practical. He kept haring off into the woods looking for what he called ‘the cure for death’. I think it was something Natalie Portman had told him about.

A Walk in the Woods 2 will be released in 2018.

ACTOR GETS THE OBITUARY HE ALWAYS DREAMED OF

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Massee is dead at the age of 61.

The cause of death has not been released but the passing is obviously premature and Massee was a wonderful character actor who was one of those distinctive presences that audiences always remember even if they don’t necessarily glom to his name straight away. He starred in approximately 80 TV shows and movies, including Seven, Lost Highway, The Amazing Spider-Man, 24, The X-Files and The Blacklist.

His passing was marked by the following headlines.

Variety: Michael Massee, ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee, Dies at 61

Deadline: Michael Massee Dies: Brandon Lee’s Accidental Shooter On ‘The Crow’

Hollywood Reporter: Michael Massee Dead: ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee

And so it goes.

Masse was involved in the accidental shooting of Brandon Lee. It was an accident that he wasn’t responsible for and that he suffered as result of, withdrawing from acting for some years following the incident. That his death should be headlined in such a way is tasteless and prurient. His whole life summed up by the worst possible day in his life to feed clickbait and improve SEO scores.

Shame on you.

RIP Michael Masse.

BRAD PITT LOOKS TERRIBLE

PARIS – At a charity event in Paris, reclusive actor Brad Pitt made a rare appearance which has caused ripples of what passes for concern among the celebrity community.

Brad Pitt has long been a sponsor of the charity Medicine Sans Chapeau – or Doctors without Hats – so it was no surprise when he turned up to a charity gala in the heart of Paris to support the group who do sterling bare headed work in many war zones in Switzerland and elsewhere. However, eagle-eyed celebrity watchers were aghast at the physical state of the Seven and Fight Club star.

Marcus deGroot had this to say:

We know that the last few years have been hard for Brad. Fury was okay but we haven’t really seen him out and about and the rumors have gone round that Angelina Jolie is harvesting his blood to feed her ever widening brood. Of course we dismissed such spite as nothing more than bitter piffle. The worst kind, you’ll agree but when he was wheeled in surrouned by large black women we couldn’t believe our eyes. This was not the young buck that Geena Davis had bedded in Thelma and Louise all those years ago. No, this was a dry husk of a man. As if Jolie had planted a man straw in the cranium and sucked out all his vitality soup.

Brad Pitt appeared at the event dressed in a beautiful Armani cardigan and suit with Versace slippers and a Ralph Lauren pair of dentures. Others claimed that the photographic evidence of the event was merely a hastily found still from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but this could not be confirmed or denied at the time of publication.

Brad Pitt will next appear in Lust of a Vampire.

5 FILMS WITH TRAGIC BUT ALSO HILARIOUS ENDINGS

HOLLYWOOD – Here at the Studio Exec we love a good ending, and I’m not talking about… well you can do that joke yourselves, it’s so obvious. I mean the film with the twist that leaves you gasping, ‘and wearing a comical expression of a guy who just had his guts kicked out’ as Bogart says in Casablanca.

But the stretch for tragic frequently drips into the absurd – see Hamlet for a particularly funny example – and the Studio Exec Fact Squad (or SEFS as we like to be known) have come up with FIVE  examples to prove our point. Feel free to heap abuse on us in comments. There are absolutely no SPOILERS (I think). 

1. The Wages of Fear (La Salaire de la Peur): Yves Montand plays Mario, a down on his luck Frenchman in a dirt poor South American village.

The Ending: He has succeeded in a wild adventure, transporting nitroglycerine across 400 miles of treacherous South American road, up mountains, through jungle. So dangerous is it, that the other three men who participate die. As the only survivor, and now rich with his reward, he insists on driving the truck all the way back the way he has come, laughing his head off and barreling along at careless speed. As his girlfriend and friends celebrate the news of his survival by waltzing around the village bar, Mario decides to ‘waltz’ his truck down the mountain road. Guess what happens next. 

2. The Mist: A mysterious mist traps Dave Drayton (Thomas Jane) and his son Billy in the local supermarket. Monsters lurk in the eerie fog, killing anyone who ventures outside and the survivors divide along the lines of religious fundamentalists and the sane.

The Ending: In a desperate bid for freedom, Billy and his son with a couple of other customers manage to get a car started and escape the supermarket. However, they can’t escape the mist and the car runs out of petrol and they can only await a horrific violent death. To spare them this, Dave shoots everyone in the car – including his son – only to see the army emerge from the mist to save the day. Dave is left in the embarrassing situation of a car full of fresh corpses and a hot gun in his hand.   

3. The Shining: Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) can’t write a novel so decides to kill his family instead.

The Ending: Here the arrival of the cavalry comes in the form of Dick Halloran who comes all the way from Miami to Colorado in the Winter, by plane, car and snowmobile only to get the chop and provide Jack with his one fatality (such a useless murderer is he). His incompetence is such that he is duped by his own child at a relatively easy game and dies in the snow. The shot of him frozen always elicits a bark of laughter from the unsuspecting. 

4. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978 remake): The aliens invade and start taking over San Francisco by replacing people with their alien duplicates.

The Ending: The survivors have managed to sabotage an alien pod factory and Donald Sutherland seems to have managed to blend in but when Veronica Cartwright (another survivor) approaches him, he points at her and emits an alien scream. To render the horror ever more horrific the camera zooms into Sutherland’s gaping maw.  

5. Seven: A serial killer puts into motion one of the most elaborate serial killing sprees in the history of elaborate movie serial killers, taking a victim a day for a week, each one representing one of the seven deadly sins.

The Ending: Detectives Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman have taken Kevin Spacey’s serial killer out to the desert to find the last victim when a box is delivered. Brad keeps saying ‘What’s in the box?’ and weeping piteously. Morgan Freeman (who is the clever one by the way) decides he’ll open the box to reveal that it contains Gwyneth Paltrow’s head. Everything works out well.