TOM WAITS RULES HIMSELF OUT AS NEW BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran singer/songwriter and actor Tom Waits has ruled himself out of the lead role in the new Batman to be directed by Woody Allen and to begin filming in early 2019.

The gravelly voiced graveyard crooner Tom Waits has been called in to take over from Ben Affleck after he removed himself from the role following dissappointing reviews of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Woody Allen is to take over writing and directing from Zack Snyder who apologized to fans for the mess he had made. ‘I screwed up,’ he told the Studio Exec.

Waits said that he was very flattered by Allen’s invitation but he felt he was ‘too old for the part’.

The bespectacled zany said that Waits had asked him ‘if he was high’ when Allen first approached him about the role. Waits has appeared in a number of films, including most recently Seven Psychopaths.

‘Batman is a very physical role, with lots of fighting and running and jumping and I don’t know if I have the energy for it any more,’ said Waits.

Woody Allen will now be calling on his next choice – Kenneth Brannagh – who is said to be ‘mad keen’ on the idea.

For more on the Woody Allen Batman read here.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 27. COLIN FARRELL

DUBLIN – No living actor can lay claim to so many duff movies as Colin Farrell, with the occasional glimmer of gold amongst the dross (In Bruges), but now redemption holds out a hand in the form of a role in the second season of True Detective.

I met Colin over a breakfast of poached Guinness, two slices of Guinness, two rashers of Guinness fried in cow’s Guinness, all washed down with a couple of large mugs of piping hot Guinness to talk to him about his ‘career’.

So Colin. Total Recall. What the f*ck?

Yeah. Sorry about that. You know, I think what it was was… 

And Alexander?

Now that was all Oliver Stone’s fault, the hairy eye-browed bastard told me…

And Phone Booth, and S.W.A.T., and The New World, and…

Now listen here I was good in Saving Mr. Banks.

You were awful in Saving Mr. Banks. And you were basically playing yourself.

In Bruges, Minority Report, Seven Psychopaths?

But that makes me even more angry. If you can be good, why be so bad so often? 

My heart isn’t in it, I suppose. Hasn’t been since Ballykissangel. Did you ever see Ballykissangel? It was the True Detective of gentle Irish dramedy.

Okay. True Detective

Ah, True Detective. The Ballykissangel of gritty philosophically inclined serial killer drama. 

Is it? 

I spoke with Nic Pizzolatto and he told me that he thinks I’m ready for my version of the McConaissance. Really? Yeah. We haven’t worked out what to call it yet, but I’m leaning towards the re-Farrell-birth.

True Detective: Season 2 broadcasts in 2015. For more Breakfast with Assholes Click Here.