KELSEY GRAMMER BUYS A LARGE PILE OF SAND

Frasier star Kelsey Grammer has bought a large pile of sand.

Kelsey Grammer – star of the new Netflix movie Like Father – bought a large pile of sand yesterday. The Frasier star told reporters:

When I was young, we were poor. We weren’t starving or anything like that, but we never had enough money to buy large piles of sand. It wouldn’t have even occurred to us. But when the paycheck came in for my new Netflix movie Like Father, I said to Seth Rogen my co-star, ‘You know what? I’m gonna buy a large pile of sand.

The pile of sand is mainly of domestic origin, though some part of it might have come from China. It’s a naturally occurring granular material made up of finely divided rock and mineral particles. Although generally yellow, colors can vary according to the mineral composition of the sand. We asked Kelsey what he was going to use it for. 

[LAUGHS UNNECESSARILY] You know what, I guess I haven’t thought that far ahead. At the moment we have it in the yard, but at some point it’s going to rain so I guess we need to put it somewhere. Maybe the bedroom. Definitely not the kitchen.

Like Father is available on Netflix.

TOMMY WISEAU TO PLAY JAMES FRANCO IN ASSHOLE

HOLLYWOOD – The star, writer and director of The Room Tommy Wiseau is to play James Franco in a new film about the actor called simply: Asshole.

First James Franco made The Disaster Artist about Tommy Wiseau and now Tommy Wiseau is making his own film about the life of James Franco. Asshole will be the storythe rise of the writer, director and actor James Franco, from his humble beginnings on Freaks and Geeks to his triumph in Spider-Man 2.

Tommy spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I like James. I say James, you’re my best friend. We make movie together and everything. But he steal my life. He act like me. Not just like me. He is me. And I say ha ha! That’s okay. But inside I get mad as hell. That’s what we’re all like in New Orleans. We get angry but we hide it. It’s a famous thing. You know.

Go on.

The last straw was the Golden Globes. He win big prize and he is playing me. So I go up and I try to talk into mic and he push me away, he say like no way Tommy. Or something like that. I don’t know. So I say afterwards, it’s okay James. I make movie about you. And him and Seth Rogen and Dave Franco his incredibly young looking father, they’re like ha ha, very funny. Big joke. And I’m thinking yeah it’s just a joke. But deep down under that thought there’s another thought and that thought is I’m going make movie.

Asshole?

What the f…

No, that’s the title of your movie.

Oh yeah. Asshole. Ha ha. It’s a big joke. But it isn’t because he really is an asshole. And everyone will see.

Asshole will be released in 2020.

FIRST LOOK AT BILLY ZANE AS BRANDO IN MAKING APOCALYPSE

HOLLYWOOD – First photographs of Billy Zane as Marlon Brando in Todd Haynes’ new movie ‘Making Apocalypse’ released.

Billy Zane stars as Marlon Brando in new movie Making Apocalypse. The film tells the story of the filming of Francis Ford Coppola’s Vietnam epic Apocalypse Now. Director Todd Haynes spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We focus on the arrival of Marlon Brando. Coppola had shot much of the film but he needed Brando for the third act. He’d only managed to secure the actor for a number of days and at huge expense. When he arrived Brando was out of shape and didn’t know his lines, so Coppola sat with him and read him Heart of Darkness the Joseph Conrad novel that the film was based on.

How did Billy approach the role?

In many ways, Billy Zane is our Brando. If you look at his work in Titanic or Dead Calm, basically any of the films when he’s in a boat and he is superb. Take him onto dry land and I agree he struggles.

Right.

Here the challenge was obviously enormous. But Billy wanted to respect Brando and so he decided to follow in Brando’s footsteps.

He employed the method?

He ate a lot, refused to learn his lines and charged us an arm and a leg.

The film also stars Seth Rogen as Francis Ford Coppola and James Franco as Dennis Hopper. Although Charlie Sheen was originally cast to play the role of Martin Sheen, the role has since gone to British actor Michael Sheen.

Making Apocalypse will be released in 2020.

PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS ALSO FUNNY, HOLLYWOOD LEARNS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.

The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.

Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.

Where does this leave people with penises?

Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.

Ghostbusters is in theaters.

CHINA LIKING WARCRAFT ‘MIGHT BE PSYCH WARFARE’

HOLLYWOOD – The blockbusting performance of Warcraft in China might be part of a cunning psychological campaign, warn Pentagon.

Warcraft didn’t perform well on its domestic US opening and it has been roundly savaged by the critics, but in China it has broken records, much to the pleased amazement of the studio. The fantasy video game cross-over directed by Douglas Jones is a bizarre mixture of every fantasy cliche around, with a lump of Shrek dolloped in the middle. It looked like it was going to take a deserved beating at the box office but then China came to the rescue with a performance that exceeded even the most optimistic expectations. However, a shadowy figure from the Pentagon has told the Studio Exec that all might not be what it seems:

The Chinese are crafty and this is not the first time an antagonist has tried to flummox us with this kind of misdirection. For years the French told us they loved Jerry Lewis. They celebrated him, gave him awards, showed his films. No one could work it out. We watched them and watch them and all the while the French were laughing up their sleeves. Goddamned bastards.

But Warcraft…?

 Yeah, well I watched Warcraft and there isn’t anything in this movie to like. Not a goddamned thing. The Chinese have intentionally ordered everyone in their country to go and see it just to sow self-doubt in the minds of American movie goers. We’re all second guessing and in the meantime half of Hollywood is green-lighting the Warcraft sequels and a new sequel to Dungeons and Dragons starring Jeremy Irons. We’ll pour all our money and time into that and in the meanwhile the Chinese are tunneling to Hawaii. You remember how a year ago North Korea managed to convince us that James Franco and Seth Rogen were some how edgy.

Jeez, you’re right! 

See. Do you see? Finally?

Warcraft is on current release.

NOAM CHOMSKY EXCITED ABOUT SAUSAGE PARTY

NEW YORK – Noam Chomsky has broken with tradition and spoken out about a new Hollywood movie that he is really excited about seeing: Sausage Party, starring Paul Rudd and Kristen Wiig.

Famous linguist and radical political thinker Noam Chomsky has broken his habitual silence on matters of cinema to talk about how excited he is about Sausage Party, the new animated comedy about a sausage having an identity crisis. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Chomsky explained his excitement:

I can’t wait for Sausage Party. It’s the only film for decades to really get me going. I think it’s going to be f*cking hilarious. I mean there’s this sausage and all these other sort of food stuffs and the sausage realizes they’re all going to be eaten. It’s like Orwell but for the new millennium and it’s written by Seth Rogen and he’s f*cking hilarious. What a guy. Him and James Franco. They’re amazing.

So it’s the sociopolitical subtext that you’re…

Oh shit no. It’s the shits and giggles that I go for. Jesus, I swear to God I spend my whole day talking about the war on terror, the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Venezuela, when I go to the pictures I just want to see some really funny food animation and loads of off-color humor. Did you see Dirty Grandpa?

But from a linguistic point of view it must be…

Shut up. How about that for linguistic point of view. Shut your f*cking trap.

Professor Chomsky!

Professor Chomsky [in a high pitch ]. Jesus, I just want to laugh a Paul Rudd animated film, scripted by Seth Rogen, with a salacious title and I hope and pray a cameo from James Franco and you have to ruin everything. You ass biscuit!

Sausage Party is out soon.

MAN DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER SAYS IT WAS STILL FUNNIER THAN BAD NEIGHBORS 2

HOLLYWOOD – Brian Akewith has just been diagnosed with cancer but he still believes that moment was funnier than anything in Zac Efron and Seth Rogen’s Bad Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising.

Being diagnosed with cancer is terrible, really terrible, I think we can all agree on that. And Brian Akewith of San Diego, California received the news at his doctor’s office in the company of his wife.

It was difficult to take. When someone actually pronounces those words. They’re immediately talking about treatment and options, but your mind is racing and you don’t really hear them. It will probably still take some time to sink in. And yet even in that moment both I and Caroline managed to joke about it and our doctor is also a guy we’ve been going to for a long time so we are a little like friends. It was horrible news, but we dealt with it well and we walked out of his office with some hope.

In order to pass some time and help them take their minds of the dilemma they decided to catch a movie before heading home.

I had seen the original Bad Neighbors and I thought it was likable in a dumb way so we thought why not.

However, what they had hoped would come as some much needed comic relief turned into a nightmare.

We just sat there wondering about the void at the center of all life. I mean what hope is there. I even began to feel angry. Seth Rogen is going to be making these dumb movies and chances are I’ll be gone. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Comparing the two experiences, Brian was clear.

I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to be diagnosed with cancer, but I really wouldn’t want them to see Bad Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising. At least with the cancer diagnosis, there was that bit where we told a couple of black jokes and we all actually laughed. Plus cancer diagnoses don’t star Selena Gomez.

Bad Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising is on general release.

SETH ROGEN TO STAR IN WHERE’S WALDO?

HOLLYWOOD – Seth Rogen is to star in a new live action version of the spot the kid with the stripey jumper and woolly hat Where’s Waldo?

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Seth Rogen was full of beans about his new film Where’s Waldo?

Where’s Waldo? is the one of the most exciting properties I’ve ever worked on. I loved The Interview and Pineapple Express and I’d love to get The Franco on board for this too.

So Where’s Waldo? is based on the … thing? The book with the guy in the crowd?

That’s right. Growing up Waldo was like… this icon. He was a book of course but also a game, and in some ways he was also a really deep philosophical notion.

I don’t get it. This is the guy with the red and white…

Yeah. The hat and the sweater and he’s in the crowd and you have to spot him.

And this is going to be a cartoon? I mean, you’re doing the voices?

No, it’s live action. We’re going to be in it. I’m in it. I’m going to play Waldo. And we’re going to make it interactive so that the audience can actually shout out ‘Waldo’s there!’ I’ve found him.

Are you high?

Absolutely. So what?

No reason.

All we need is the Franco on board. He can like be trying to find Waldo. Maybe he can shout out Where’s Waldo? and it’ll be great.

Where’s Waldo? will be released in 2017.

THINKING COMEDY: 2. SETH ROGEN

In the second of our new series Thinking Comedy, film comedian Seth Rogen ruminates on the benefits of analysis on his Comic Art.

Many comedians believe that over-thinking comedy can be the death of a joke, that to think (in the words of Keats) is ‘to be full of sorrow’, and so they avoid any kind of analysis at all, preferring to work on instinct and adrenalin.

Andrew ‘Dice-man’ Clay at his height eschewed comic theory and Eddie Murphy in the Raw years likewise boasted of his unschooled approach to the comedy scene. 

However, I’ve always been a comic who has taken succor and encouragement from the intellectual and philosophical approach to my art. When I was making Funny People with Adam Sandler, Adam and I would sit for hours discussing Freud’s 1905 masterpiece Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious. By the way, if you are going to read it I would advise you read the original German Der Witz und Seine Beziehung zum Unbewußten. As with most humor, too much is lost in translation. 


Sandler is a supremely rational comic. It isn’t enough that he is funny; he has to know why he is funny. This is what makes him so similar to the British comedian Ricky Gervais, the man we all look up to as the true intellectual heir of Benny Hill’s comedy crown. 


For my own part, for a joke simply to be funny isn’t enough. It has to say something and it has to say something that is coherent with my political and ethical outlook on life. For instance, some people have seen a consistent strain of misogyny in my comedy, especially in Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Knocked Up. Other people give me the benefit of the doubt and think of me as a lovable doped up man child but the truth is I do hate and fear women and those films are deliberate expressions of my anxiety. I mask my very real and sometimes frightening hatred in an easy-going laid-back style, but this makes it all the more pernicious and effective. Some of you no doubt are thinking: ‘Ah ha! Intellectual coherence, analyzing comedy? But what about Green Hornet?’ Well, to that I’m afraid I only have two words: Cash Grab.

For more Thinking Comedy CLICK HERE.

SETH ROGEN GOES ON FOOD DIET

HOLLYWOOD – Comedic actor and Steve Wozniak impersonator Seth Rogen opened up today to the Studio Exec about his radical food diet.

Seth Rogen has had a hard year with his appearance in a rare straight role co-starring with Michael Fassbender in Danny Boyle’s Steve Jobs and appearing once more alongside Zac Efron for Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising.

You look great Seth. What’s going on?

Well, I knew that this year was going to be a tough one for me. I had a lot of challenges to confront and frankly after The Interview I’d begun to take a new perspective on life. It was time to get myself in shape so I started to think about it properly.

So what did you do?

I went on a special food diet.

Sounds crazy, what does it involve?

You have to eat food. Breakfast: food. Lunch: food. Dinner more food.

Jesus!

I know it’s pretty strict. Of course I can, if I feel hungry in-between ‘meals’, I can have a snack but it has to be food.

So it’s basically food, food, food.

That’s right. Of course I can drink sometimes as well, but if I do it is only liquids, fluids, that sort of thing.

Sounds very strict.

It is but you can see the results and standing next to Zac Efron, I don’t have anything to worry about this time around. I think people are going to be really surprised.

This is Christian Bale like dedication to your craft.

It is on the scale of the Machinist. Yes. Or Night Crawler.

How do you keep your sanity?

Every week I have one cheat day.

Ah ha! And what do you have on your cheat day?

Wool. I just go and hit the wool stores. I buy like two barrels of that shit and I just wolf it down. But because of the food diet my body is fooled into thinking it’s food and so it doesn’t effect my diet.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising will be released in 2016.

 

TRUE DETECTIVE SEASON 2: VAUGHN AND WILSON CONFIRMED

HOLLYWOOD – The second season of True Detective will star Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson in a surprise move announced by HBO for the hit show which will screen in June.

Show runner Nic Pizzolatto said the he was psyched to work with the two actors and had written the script with them very much in mind. He told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I know that we were talking about a lot of different actors and some other names were circulating recently – someone even said we should get that asshole from Alexander! Ha, but ever since I saw The Wedding Crashers I knew who the two most interesting American actors alive today were and I wanted to work with them. The Internship only confirmed my opinion further.

Can you tell us something about the story?

Yes. The tone will be different. I want to play to Vince and Owen’s strengths and I don’t want to retread old ground. So I’m making them two bachelor detectives. One is a bit of a lady’s man and a cynic, the other is a hopeless romantic always falling in love. They have to go undercover in a college where young girls have been hurt due to an illegal pillow fighting ring. Seth Rogen is penciled in to play the Sociology professor who masterminds the villainy, but that’s a spoiler so don’t print that.

Okay. The last show brought about the much talked about McConaissance. Is there any chance there will be Vaughnaissance? Or an Owensurrestion?

 Ha ha! No. I mean… No.

True Detective 2 will be broadcast June, 2015.

AMY PASCAL JOINS THE STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – Sony Executive and email writer-strordinaire Amy Pascal has joined the Studio Exec team, expressing her relief to finally find a job ‘which is genuinely important’.

Amy took time out from her busy schedule of interviews to speak with her new employer The Studio Exec.

Frankly SE, I’m relieved. When I worked at Sony, the pressure was unbelievable. You had to work up enthusiasm for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and pretend Seth Rogen was the new John Belushi. It was soul destroying. And then there was the constant danger of being strangled to death by Emile Hirsch.

Jesus!

Yeah. I know.

How did it feel being fired?

Of course it was upsetting at the time, but I also had a list of things I wanted to do if I left and at the top of that list it was to write for a genuinely subversive and hilarious satire blog.

Great.

Unfortunately, The Onion weren’t hiring so I came over to you.

Whoa!

I’m kidding. I kid.

Not funny, Amy.

Okay so I’m already fitting in.

Hey hurtful. Not cool.

There I go again. I thought you’d like it. Mixing it up with the boys here.

Yeah well, if we’d wanted an asshole we would have hired Scott Rudin.

Okay, okay, gotcha.

So Amy what’s your first column going to be about?

It’s going to be called Kim Jong Un is Big Fat Whiny Bitch.

Amy Pascal’s new column will be published every Sunday on www.thestudioexec.com

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has been one of the most startling and confusing incidents of last year and the Studio Exec FACT squad have been on the case behind the firewall and under the radar.

1. North Korea are responsible for the Sony Hack. The DPRK were angered by the James Franco/Seth Rogen ‘comedy’ The Interview because of the way it ridiculed the country’s leader Kim Jong-un.

2. A Sony insider is responsible for the Sony Hack. The ex-employee was angered by lay offs that Sony had recently carried out.

3. President Obama is responsible for the Sony Hack to distract the liberal mainstream media from the conspiracy that caused deaths in Benghazi.

4. Seth Rogen and James Franco are responsible for the Sony Hack because they wanted to boost business for what is a tediously dull frat boy comedy.

5. I am responsible for the Sony Hack because Sony are shit and one of the shittest things that they have done beyond their normally shit things is obviously  The Interview.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

KATE MIDDLETON’S ROYAL TWINS TO BE CALLED SONY AND KIM

LONDON – Pregnant British royal Kate Middleton will use the twins to save the day from the escalating tensions between Sony Pictures and North Korea.

Maybe in a bid to show the old gal it’s time for another woman to lead the Commonwealth, Prince William’s lady wife Kate Middleton announced she will single-handedly resolve the conflict over Hollywood comedy The Interview by naming their brewing twins Sony and Kim in honor of the electronics giants and its current nemesis, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The effort, she feels, will significantly dampen the current climate of anger and mistrust by immortalizing those two names side by side for eternity.

Prince William, speaking EXCLUSIVELY with The Studio Exec, explained the Royal decision.

Britain civilized the world, and will keep doing so for as long as it takes. Luckily, Kanye West gave his spawn such a colossally ridiculous handle that no other baby name henceforth will ever sound idiotic. That left us free to use our own progeny in forcing those two entities to stop acting like Kanye on his honeymoon and look at the bigger picture: A Seth Rogen comedy is no laughing matter, but for far different reasons.

The next in line to the throne declined to comment on how this decision would impact their son George, whom sources inside Buckingham palace say is already planning a use of his future siblings to swede the film at the center of this whole situation. Prince William did however convey his satisfaction with the pregnancy so far, citing the positive impact the twins are having on the “other twins”.

No word yet on possible terrorism threats from the alleged hackers to stop Kate from releasing the twins.