TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE FOETUS

HOLLYWOOD – The Latest Texas Chainsaw Massacre film is to go deep into the past. 

Following the success at cinemas this Friday of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D, Lionsgate have announced a further nineteen films based on the popular abattoir worker/murderer franchise.

‘We think that Leatherface and chums just have so many other stories to tell,’ said Munkus Struttal, Lionsgate CEO. ‘And we’re very eager to cash the cheques and buy the cars and houses that the money those movies earn give us.’

Jon Favreau is directing the first two films in what is already being described as a saga:

We’re going for a Harry Potter style biography of Leatherface from soup to nuts. I’m directing the first two films in the series: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Foetus and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Baby. In the first film there’s a fantastic scene, kind of like a Caesarian section, which is ironic because the very first chainsaw was designed for exactly that. Not from the inside out though obviously.

Doesn’t the making of sequels of dodgy genre properties represent a dip in your career?

Are you kidding me? After Cowboys and Aliens I’m just glad anybody will hire me. 

 Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Foetus will be released in 2019.

MEL GIBSON ANNOUNCES PASSION OF THE CHRIST FOLLOW UP: EASTER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Mel Gibson broke a long silence to reveal that his next directing project will be a follow up to his 2004 Biblical blockbuster The Passion of the Christ, provisionally entitled Easter.

In an interview with exclusive French culture magazine Chapeau, Gibson revealed that he had been working on the project for three years but kept getting distracted by the Jews.

Gibson stated:

I’ve been really attached to this story because I am a devout Catholic and I love all that Jesus stuff. If you’ll notice the original film was called The Passion of the Christ, and that second definite article gave me the idea of doing a Passion of another Christ but then I thought no; that’s stupid. And I decided on Easter.

What happens in the film?

We start right off from where we left off with Jesus (SPOILER ALERT) stomping out of the grave, ready for some payback. It’s funny because this combines two things I love. 1. Being a Catholic and the Jesus stuff and 2. Revenge films like Mad Max and Payback. So Jesus kind of get his own back on all the people who hurt him during the first film. He whips the centurions to death, he kills Pilate and his wife by sabotaging their chariot and then he seriously fucks up the Pharisees.

But isn’t revenge inconsistent with the Christian values?

What? NO, of course not. What the…? I mean Jesus Christ, no. Goddamn it! Are you lecturing me on my own religion? You know nothing (hyperventilating) NOTHING!!

Sacre bleu!

I’ve been so good to you giving you this exclusive interview and you question me? I mean that’s such bullshit!

At which point Mr. Gibson broke something of his own which he really liked and then stormed out of the room.

Easter is out in 2020.

DAMON LINDELOF’S BLADE RUNNER 2049 EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – We publish Damon Lindelof’s email to Ridley Scott. 

Written while Blade Runner 2049 was in development this email sees Damon Lindelof and Ridley Scott discussing possible story ideas for Blade Runner 2049.

The Studio Exec has obtained a copy of the Blade Runner 2049 email. It says things you people wouldn’t believe:

hEY rIDDERS OH WAIT CAPS LOCK


Hey Ridders, Jesus where’s delete? Never mind. I mean. What the hell! Right Scottish? We can fix it in post. It’s the Damon-ster here. I know you said you weren’t sure you wanted me to help you with Blade Runner 2049 but I’ve been thinking really hard about it and I’ve got some ideas things for the plot like concept of the story notes perhaps. So here goes. 


The years is 2072, right? OK and Deckard’s like this old Blade Runner. And he’s got this fresh, brash partner (I’m thinking Shia LaBeouf or perhaps Channing Tatum). OK. And they get a mission to go after the Nexus 17 replicants right. And Deckard has a lot of bullshit from his boss cause he ran off with a replicant and what not and it ended badly, but he only has a week left until his retirement (some comedy here with possible confusion about Deckard being a replicant who’s about to be retired LOL). Anyway they go after the replicants but this time they follow them to the off world colonies and there are like shit loads of chases and what not, and Deckard says (more than once) “I’m getting too old for this shit”. He says it like three or four times, like it’s a RUNNING GAG and ironically it’s because he’s a RUNNER who is too old to RUN. Right?
 
Anyway they meet this really old woman who looks like exactly like Vanessa Redgrave (we can get Guy Pearce for this and put him in an old woman suit) and she’s like Tyrell the 4th or something. And she explains that actually all human beings are replicants because we’ve all been created by a higher power, which is like god but really actually just like super intelligent sperm people. You dig? Anyway, deep shit, deep shit, running, some more deep shit. Then they corner the Nexus 17 and Tyrell in this super dangerous and they could just call for back up, but for some reason (I haven’t worked this bit out but who cares) they just run in guns blazing. Something heavy falls on Tyrell can kills her for no real reason and polar bears start attacking. I know, fantastic, isn’t it?
 
They kill the polar bears or something. then confront Nexus 17 Ray Batty who reveals himself to actually be the son of Deckard and Rachel and Deckard is crying but just completely like blows him away. Fade to Black. A Celine Dion, music Vangelis and with lyrics by moi ‘Tears in Rain’ over credits:
 
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe — eeeeeeve
Polar bears attacking me and my son, 
About Rachel Replicant I grieve — eeeeeeeeve
What have I done, done done
 
SAX SOLO


Blade Runner 2049 will be released in 2017.

       

BELLY OF AN ARCHITECT SEQUEL POSTPONED

HOLLYWOOD – Sequel to Peter Greenaway’s The Belly of the Architect has been indefinitely postponed.

Cult classic The Belly of an Architect starred Brian Dennehy as Stourley Kracklite, an American architect who travels to Rome to curate an exhibition of his hero’s work. Ever since it’s release in 1987 rumor has been rife about a follow-up, tentatively entitled The Ribcage of an Architect. Peter Greenaway tells the story:

We were very keen to strike while the iron was hot. No one believed that Belly would become the phenomenon that it became. Remember this was this small European art film about an esoteric subject. But something touched the nerve and we sold more tickets than Stallone’s Cobra. I wrote a script called Ribcage of an Architect but over the years different problems conspired so it didn’t happen. Brian was unavailable, or the backers pulled out. We thought a producer from Amsterdam was investing but he wanted to call the film The Penis of the Architect and so that was out.

What was the final problem?

I think people have forgotten the film. I don’t think people remember how big it was. Brian’s not interested anymore, so I was going to do one of those female remakes, but then I saw what happened to Ghostbusters and I thought, no thank you!

The Belly of an Architect 2 will not be released in 2018.

MEL GIBSON ANNOUNCES PASSION OF THE CHRIST FOLLOW UP: EASTER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Mel Gibson broke a long silence to reveal that his next directing project will be a follow up to his 2004 Biblical blockbuster The Passion of the Christ, provisionally entitled Easter.

In an interview with exclusive French culture magazine Chapeau, Gibson revealed that he had been working on the project for three years but kept getting distracted by the Jews.

Gibson stated:

I’ve been really attached to this story because I am a devout Catholic and I love all that Jesus stuff. If you’ll notice the original film was called The Passion of the Christ, and that second definite article gave me the idea of doing a Passion of another Christ but then I thought no; that’s stupid. And I decided on Easter.

What happens in the film?

We start right off from where we left off with Jesus (SPOILER ALERT) stomping out of the grave, ready for some payback. It’s funny because this combines two things I love. 1. Being a Catholic and the Jesus stuff and 2. Revenge films like Mad Max and Payback. So Jesus kind of get his own back on all the people who hurt him during the first film. He whips the centurions to death, he kills Pilate and his wife by sabotaging their chariot and then he seriously fucks up the Pharisees.

But isn’t revenge inconsistent with the Christian values?

What? NO, of course not. What the…? I mean Jesus Christ, no. Goddamn it! Are you lecturing me on my own religion? You know nothing (hyperventilating) NOTHING!!

Sacre bleu!

I’ve been so good to you giving you this exclusive interview and you question me? I mean that’s such bullshit!

At which point Mr. Gibson broke something of his own which he really liked and then stormed out of the room.

Easter is due to start filming in the Summer.

BLADE RUNNER 2: DAMON LINDELOF ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – Damon Lindelof has been arrested after defying a court order making it illegal for Mr. Lindelof to approach within 200 metres of the Blade Runner sequel, tentatively titled Blade Runner 2.

Judge Jorges Harenton had ruled in his judgement in June of this year, soon after seeing Prometheus, that Mr. Lindelof should obey the restraining order as he has had a history of causing a huge amount of public distress, especially with his ‘bullshit plotting and cloth-eared dialogue’.
Judge Harenton went on to write in his ruling, that the Lost writer ‘had grievously and with knowledge aforethought caused untold damage to what had been like the science fiction horror film of all time.’
Mr. Lindelof had responded  by saying ‘Is this serious? that can’t be right’ and had treated to the restraining order as a joke. He was found in the early hours of this morning emailing Ridley Scott with a story outline (to read the email CLICK HERE). In his possession was a heavily annotated copy of Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? the book on which the original film was based.
In a surprise twist, STUDIO EXEC can reveal that it was Ridley Scott who telephoned the police on receiving the email.

STEP UP 5 GULAG: CAST AND STORY REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the hugely successful dance movie Step up 4: Revolution, comes Step Up 5: Gulag to be directed by David Fincher and starring Jonah Hill, Kate Winslett and Mike Myers.

A plot summary was released to Studio Exec:

The revolution is complete and street dancing  has now been made compulsory throughout the United States of America. Anyone not at least body popping is thrown into the Gulags which have been built in Montana. Everyone is happy until evil hip hopper takes charge of the People’s Democratic Revolutionary Council and starts imposing his frankly mad laws regulate all dancing so that they outlaw robotics (good) and somersaults (aw no, I like somersaults). When a dance off is broken up by the new fashion police force, Frankie (Jonah Hill) finds himself thrown in Montana and mixing with a bunch of assholes who don’t know or refuse to dance, but soon he is joined by a crack team of somersaulters and robotic mimes led by Alexxxxia (Kate Winslett).

‘Smiles weakly to cover his unhappiness and confusion’


Together they plan to escape by putting on a show for the camp commandant (Mike Myers, very camp) Herr Shtizel (and yes they address that). Everything goes well until something doesn’t and they are all forced to dig their own graves and then get shot in the back of the neck. [SPOILER ALERT.]

 Step Up 5: Gulag will be released in 2015. 

IRON MAN 3 TO GET CANADIAN VERSION

MONTREAL – Iron Man 3 will be released in three separate versions.

There will be the international release, a version that will only be released in China and now – Marvel have announced a Canadian version as well. Collectors will no doubt be examining each different version frame by frame to catch the alternate scenes, shots and dialogue. However, Studio Exec has managed to get a note from the studio detailing the changes that have been made for the Canadian version. Read the full note after the jump.

IRON MAN 3//// MEMO: 2 CANADIAN VERSION
Re: changes for Canada release. 
Circ. 23145633343.

  1. Change stars and stripes to maple leaf. (Digitally). See figure 1.
  2. Title change: from Iron Man 3 to Homme de Fer Trois.

  3. figure 1.
  4. Main villain actor should be Ben Affleck. Check availability. Digital face replacement should do the trick.
  5. Change Pepper Pot: to Poivrière
  6. Add dialogue: Poivère: ‘Who helped rescue the hostages from Iran?’ Homme de Fer: ‘Why it was Canada! Canada of course! Who  else?’  
  7. Have every line of dialogue repeated in French.
  8. Breakfast scene: Maple syrup on pancakes. 
  9. Replace Jon Favreau with everyone’s favourite Canadian: Jim Carrey.

   

SCRIPT LEAK:DEAD POETS SOCIETY 2




Int: An old mansion in the Lake District.

THE GHOSTS OF KEATS, BYRON, LARKIN,BETJEMAN AND OTHER ASSORTED DEAD POETS ARE SAT AROUND A TABLE IN A GRAND DINING HALL DRINKING AND CHATTING. BETJEMAN STANDS UP AND CLINKS A WINE GLASS.

Betjeman
Order, Order.

THE GHOSTS FALL SILENT



Betjeman
Thank you gentleman and welcome to the inaugural meeting of the Dead Poets Society. We all know why we’re gathered here today…

BYRON PUTS HIS HAND UP

Betjeman
Yes, Byron

Byron
Sorry but I was unfeasibly high on opium when you told me. Do you mind going over it again?

Betjeman
There’s no time for that I’m afraid. Keats will fill you in.

KEATS PUTS HIS HAND UP.

Betjeman
John?

Keats
I’m afraid I’d smoked rather too much hashish when we last spoke and I can’t quite recall the details.

Betjeman
Ok, fine. Is there anybody here who wasn’t smashed on drugs when I told them the plan?


NOBODY PUTS THEIR HANDS UP EXCEPT FOR LARKIN.

Larkin
Me, me!

Betjeman
Thank you Philip. I knew I could rely on you. Could you please tell these addled miscreants
why we are all here today.

Larkin
Sorry I can’t.

Betjeman
Why ever not?

Larkin
Well I was exceptionally drunk when you called and I haven’t the foggiest idea what you are talking out.

Betjeman
Oh for heaven’s sake. This really is intolerable. Right. If I go over it again do you all promise to focus on what I am saying?. If you do say aye.

Everyone
Aye!

Betjamin
And you also all agree to refrain from alcohol and narcotics until the plan is carried out?

Everyone
Aye!

Betjeman
Lovely. Ok. I’ve gathered you all here today because I think It’s time we…


CHARLES BUKOWSKI STUMBLES THROUGH THE DOOR DRUNK, SWIGGING FROM A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM.

Betjeman
Mr Bukowski. How nice of you to join us.

Bukowski
F*ck off Betjeman. Hey fella’s. Johnny Wilmot is throwing a party next door and he’s got a f*ck load of drink and drugs. Anyone coming?

THE ROOM CLEARS IN A HURRY

Betjeman
Thanks for that Charlie.

Bukowski
(burp)


FIN

ANG LEE TALKS POSSIBLE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN 2

HOLLYWOOD – Brokeback Mountain was a breakthrough film for its two young leads Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, an Oscar winner and an immediate seminal film for the gay community and now Ang Lee – talking to French cultural magazine Chapeau – has hinted that he might be interested in filming Brokeback Mountain 2.

When asked about future projects, Mr. Lee first told the interviewer about his project based on the Little Book of Calm starring Joe Pesci (for more on that story CLICK HERE), but pushed to look further ahead, the Hulk director said the following:

I’ve always wanted to go back to the world that Annie Proulx and Larry McMurty created for Brokeback and revisit those characters. It’s especially fitting that we should see how Jake’s character responds to Ennis’ death, seeing how Heath is no longer with us.

 Je ne comprends pas! C’est ridicule! It is the Ennis character who is alive at the end of the film and Jack Twist who dies.

Was it? Jesus. Really? 

Ma oui! 

I suppose I’ve always wanted to revisit the world of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I wanted to find out what happened to Chow Yun Fat’s character, having to deal with Michelle Yeoh’s death.   

Brokeback Mountain 2 will be released in 2015. 

STUDIO FILM SEQUEL MORATORIUM ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD- In an astonishing move, the major studios have issued a joint statement announcing a moratorium on sequels for the whole of 2013. The news sent shock waves through the industry and leaves the 2013 calendar looking fairly bare.
The heads of Warner Brothers, Universal, Fox, Sony, Paramount and Disney all signed the press release which stated:

We have watched with growing concern the intellectual poverty of current cinematic output and have decided that enough is enough. Franchises make money and that is a concern for us, but we are above all in the entertainment business and this kind of industrial scale pap issuing is as immoral as prostituting children for the excuse of material gain. We have dragged this fine art form through the filth for long enough, and to say it is popular or ‘what the public wants’ is no longer a valid excuse as we have manipulated public taste to the extent that they’re a bunch of geeked out morons who will go and see any old cat’s vomit we serve up.   

Films effected will be: Thor 2: Dark Worlds, Star Trek 2, Hunger Games 2, Grown Ups 2, The Muppets 2, Riddick 2, Machete 2, Red 2Wolverine 2Insidious 2, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Star Wars Episode 2 3D, 300 2, GI Joe 2, Percy Jackson 2, The Smurfs 2, Despicable Me 2, Last Exorcism 2,  Kick Ass 2Bad Santa 2Anchorman 2,  Sin City 2: a Dame to Kill ForIron Man 3, Hangover 3, Star Wars Episode 3, 3D, Paranormal Activity 5, Fast and Furious 6, Step Up 6, and (A Good Day to) Die Hard 6.

MICHAEL MANN MOHICANS SEQUEL: YES!

What are we looking at?

HOLLYWOOD – Twenty years since the release of Michael Mann’s rip-roaring bodice busting scalp scalping run around fest The Last of the Mohicans, Michael Mann has revealed he intends to start filming a sequel early next year, provisionally entitled, Actually We’ve Found Some More Mohicans. The film will star Daniel Day-Lewis, who will have won another Oscar by then, as Hawkeye, not the hilarious army doctor who spent the Korean war quipping and lusting after Hot Lips, but someone totally different.

Speaking from his loft in New York, Mann screeched like an American eagle: ‘I was always really down on the end of our film, because it was such a bummer you know. The last of the Mohicans, sounds so final, but that was like the Fenimore Cooper novel. But then I got to thinking what if there were some other Mohicans who – I don’t know – had been hiding? What then?’
The film will also star Madeline Stowe who has already quit her job at JC Penneys in order to prepare for the role.
‘I am always looking for new challenges, to do something totally new and original,’ said the Miami Vice director. The plot will involve Curly, Moe and ChingaChuck, the three remaining Mohicans and the scrapes they get into when they are mistaken for drug smugglers by the mafia. Only with the help of Hawkeye and a lot of luck are they going to get out of this scrape.

Actually We’ve Found Some More Mohicans will be released in 2014.

WE BOUGHT A ZOO TO BE A TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – Universal happiness broke out today as Cameron Crowe revealed that We Bought a Zoo is only the first instalment in a trilogy that will include the forthcoming We Burnt a Zoo Down to the Ground and We had a Really Big Barbecue.

Joy could not be contained as a sense of almost Bacchanalian frenzy swept over the world when Crowe – speaking exclusively to Studio Exec – outlined his plans for what he calls his life’s master work comparable to the Ring cycle by Wagner or Dante’s Divine Comedy. Matt Damon will reunite with Scarlett Johansson and Scarlet Johansson will be there, there. Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett. And some animals and kids and things.

‘The second one We Burnt a Zoo Down to the Ground as the title suggests will be much darker,’ said Crowe, eating a McMuffin. ‘It’ll be my Empire Strikes Back, if you will. And then the final film is a celebration. Something good can come from a fire that kills loads of animals. That’s the message.’

Earlier this week rioting had broken out in Islamabad Pakistan following the selling out of the DVD of We Bought a Zoo. Read out special report here. But now the mood had changed for the better.

‘Will Scarlett be in it?’ one tearful man asked, holding his malnourished daughter in his arms.

The films are to be made back to back and production on all other films is to be suspended until the trilogy is complete.