OUR OSCAR PREDICTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – Just in case you haven’t noticed, the Oscars are almost upon us, which I’ll be live tweeting, but until then the Studio Exec would like to offer 5 Oscar predictions.

Here are our Five Oscar Predictions in order of likelihood:

1. Pompeii will probably not win as many awards as I have hitherto predicted.

2. The team up of Kanye West and the Beastmaster will make for an electrifying show that will be blown even further into out of space by the arrival of Hawk the Slayer, Flash, the floating head from Zardoz and the planet Krull.

3. Birdman and Boyhood will be revealed to actually be brothers. Whiplash‘s J.K. Simmons will use his acceptance speech to criticize the orchestra. The Imitation Game will come out and the Theory of Everything will be disproved.

4. American Sniper will shoot Selma in a tasteless and ill thought out montage sequence.

5. Meryl Streep will win another Oscar and Reese Witherspoon, Rosamund Pike, Patricia Arquette, Marion Coutillard, Julianne Moore and Felicity Jones will kill her on stage and eat parts of her body to try and ingest her magic charm. (Then we’ll cut to commercial).

For more Oscars CLICK HERE.

HP LOVECRAFT’S FILM REVIEWS: SELMA

ARKHAM – H.P. Lovecraft turns his jaded eye toward Oscar hopeful and moving civil rights drama Selma.

Many are the horrors that have been projected upon the silver screen in the fetid darkness of the movie house, many the insane disgusting terrors that have sent audiences shrieking into the starless night, many the perverse sadistic twisted eldritch tales that confound belief and set the soul a-shiver but none have frozen my blood quite so deeply as the terrifyingly unspeakable nightmare that is Selma.

Set in the beautiful and peaceable environs of the southern states of this our United States, all seems well with the world. The races are sensibly separated and all know what beholds their duty and station. But a dark terror is lurking and a crazed leader with a hypnotic voice and baleful stare is elected ‘KING’ of his dusky brethren and with his twisted obsession and murderous need for ‘equality’ leads the benighted masses, gripped in his insane folly towards confrontation with the restrained and peaceable forces of law and order. A wonderful Tim Roth is the hero of the piece who is the Governor of the land of Alabama. Tom Wilkinson plays the President Lyndon Johnson, who fain would stall the black man in his fatal designs but who is weakened by his perverse love of a familiar demon (unseen) called Ladybird!

However, Oscar-worthy would be the performance of David Oyelowo as the infernal charismatic leader whose gentle cadences are but a covering for foul and depraved intentions. Fortunately, the Oscars is one of the few institutions which maintain strict segregation in accordance with the sensible strictures of the color bar.

For more of H.P. Lovecraft’s Movie Reviews CLICK HERE.hp lovecraft

H.P. LOVECRAFT’S MOVIE REVIEWS

ARKHAM – In a new feature, the Studio Exec is proud to present esteemed horror short story writer H.P. Lovecraft and his eldritch movie review column.

Greetings.

Never in the history of mankind has an invention as insidious and powerful as the magic lantern show called cinema been allowed to perpetuate its foul secret dealings without let or hindrance on the unassuming and innocent unknowing masses of humanity. Few have endeavored to unveil the secret meanings held within its depraved offerings, lest they flee from the darkened cavern of the movie house raving and gibbering and complete stark raving insane! But I who have unveiled the mythos of Cthulhu, I who have gasped at the hidden angles of the dream house of Kadath and climbed the Mountains of Madness; I who have sat through all the Fast and Furious films, even the ones without Vin Diesel, am now willing to deliver to the world my findings, hopeful that they will serve as a warning to humanity that no one else strive to go where I have trembling gone…

Dumb and Dumber To

Harold and Lloyd return after years of exile to the light of day. Lloyd has journeyed into the cavernous depths of his own insane mind and Harold has visited him on a weekly basis and now they must once more confront a civilization they no longer understand, but now without the distraction of comedy. Bravely the filmmakers have done away with all humor and left us to regard the horror of existence in all its disturbing reality. Watch at your peril for few can regard a work such as this without finally losing their minds!

American Sniper

Not nearly racist enough. The swarthy savages, whose simpler minds and primitive appetites make them perfect disciples of the Elder Ones and their evil scheming, are dispensed of with admirable elan by the bearded fat one from The Hangover. But for why the despair?

Selma

Not enough tentacles.

Padington

The bear talks! And yet this uncanny horror is served up to humanity as a children’s film!? This malignant beast, the burning eyes of his ‘hard stare’, his horrendous maw dripping with foul gooey marmalade, far from being cuddly is more diabolical than the devil himself. An arcane horror from the darkest regions of Peru, brought to the light by the folly and hubris of the manifold pretenses of ‘science’ now stalks London, causing mayhem wherever he roams, though thankfully pursued by the ever reliable Nicole Kidman. I cheered for Miss Kidman throughout the film, but like many lone voices of reason, crying out in the wilderness of most arcane horror, she is treated with utter dripping contempt and ends the film covered in animal feces for the entertainment of fools and little fools, also known as children.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

OSCARS CEREMONY TO BE DIRECTED BY RIDLEY SCOTT

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott is to direct the Oscars ceremony on the 22nd of February, featuring an exclusively white cast.

A spokesperson for the academy said:

We decided to take the ceremony in a new direction this year. Political correctness went mad the last few shows. We had Lincoln freeing the slaves, Django shooting the slave owners and 12 Years a Slave, being all about slaves as well. For twelve years. But now we have a black president and all that racism has been effectively dealt with so it’s time to get back to rich white people, mainly men.

So you called Ridley?

Absolutely. We thought that we couldn’t just pretend Selma didn’t exist although we tried our best. He came up with the idea of replacing the black cast with Joel Edgerton and Aaron Paul.

Fantastic!

Isn’t it? And although people are complaining about diversity, I’d say to them that the show is going to be diverse anyway. Look at Boyhood. White little boy, white big boy, white teenager, white young fella. What could be more diverse? Oh, and American Sniper, white guy shoots brown guys. What could be more topical!? Birdman, white guy worries about being too rich and successful. The Imitation Game, white guy wins the war. The Theory of Everything, white guy solves all the problems in the universe, especially Black Holes (that’s not racist is it?)

I don’t know.

Oh and my favorite. Whiplash. Two guys get incredibly pissy about perfecting jazz. And they’re basically white! That’s the twist.

For more Oscars news click HERE.

OPRAH WINFREY TO PRODUCE MARTIN LUTHER KING: ZOMBIE KILLER

HOLLYWOOD – The Oprah Winfrey produced Martin Luther King Jr. biopic Selma has had a change of name and direction. Now titled Martin Luther King: Zombie Killer, the film will be directed by Timur Bekmambetov and will star Samuel L. Jackson

Ms. Winfrey explained the change of emphasis:

It’s a fact that young people today are not attracted to large scale, worthy looking historical fare. We already know the story. It’s the kids who need educating. So in conversations with Timur, he suggested why not have Martin Luther King Jr. fight racism AND (and this is the important part) a zombie outbreak? I’ll admit at first I was resistant but then we looked at some figures and we saw that people who wanted to see an MLK movie alone was an okay figure, but MLK + Zombies was off the chart.

Oliver Stone who had also submitted a script to the project reacted angrily to the news.

‘It’s obviously a conspiracy,’ he said.   

Martin Luther King: Zombie Killer will be released in 2016.