MILEY CYRUS TO WRITE, DIRECT AND STAR IN CRIES AND WHISPERS REMAKE

MALIBU – Miley Cyrus – former child star and pop sensation Hannah Montana – is taking a further step to artistic maturity and critical acceptance by remaking the Ingmar Bergman classic of female suffering Cries and Whispers, which she will be writing and directing as well as appearing in.

The original is set in turn of the century Sweden and tells the stories of Karin (Ingrid Thulin) and Maria (Liv Ullman), two sisters coming to terms with the imminent death by cancer of their third sibling Agnes (Harriet Andersson). 
Miley Cyrus, speaking exclusively to Studio Exec, revealed that there are going to be some changes in the remake.

Obviously I want to keep the spirit of the original. A meditation on suffering and death, and specifically of how women address these deep philosophical questions. But it can’t be Sweden, so I changed that to Malibu and made it contemporary. 

And you’ll be playing the role of…?

Right. I’m Karin and Selena Gomez is going to be Maria and Vanessa Hudgens is going to be the gal dying of cancer. Though I’ll probably make it something else because cancer’s so the noughties if you know what I mean. Maybe she can get a head injury after a jet ski incident.  

What attracted you to the project?

Oh, the themes. Definitely the themes. And I’m a big Bergman fan. My pappy, got me into Bergman in a big way. I like Godard, and he said to me one day, “Girl, you gotta get some Bergman in you!” I watched the Virgin Spring and I never looked back.

Do you think people will take you more seriously?

I sure as hell hope so, though at the same time I don’t want to lose my fans, who’ve stood by me through thick and thin. So I won’t just be  slavishly copying Bergman. I’m going to do a lighter Miley version of the film. So everyone can enjoy it. For example the title is a bit miserable so I’ve come up with a version I think the master would be proud of.

Shits and Giggles will be released in 2022. 

PAUL RUDD: ‘I WORSHIP SATAN’

LOS ANGELES – Ant Man Paul Rudd has become the latest in a long line of stars to declare their deep and abiding religious belief in the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

‘Hollywood can be a crazy place and being an actor can be a stressful occupation,’ the Ant Man and the Wasp star said smiling affably. ‘I find worshipping Satan brings me inner peace and centres me.’

Rudd’s conversion marks only the latest Hollywood star – Selena Gomez and Christian Slater have also recently declared themselves Satanists – in what is quickly becoming what many are calling the ‘New Scientology’. A new high tech and air conditioned Center for the Promotion of Beelzebub  has opened off Sunset Boulevard, where new celebrity devotees can gather and practice their various Black Masses and rituals.

Paul Rudd speaking from his Hollywood home said:

People think that it’s all worshiping upside down crucifixes, sacrificing babies and desecrating churches. Well I’ve never seen an upside down crucifix, but two out of three ain’t bad, ha ha ha!

Tom Cruise angrily responded to the claims that Satanism had now overtaken Scientology as the new nut-bag spiritual fad.

These people are weak minded and they’re being taken in by charlatans who are basically inventing a lot of gobbledegook that people like Ruddy are just swallowing whole. The main problem is it’s cheaper than Scientology.

Bishop Humbert Humbert of the Roman Catholic church however welcomed the surge in commitment:

What we should focus on here is the fact that these people believe in the same beings we believe in. We’ve been fighting against the wave of Godless atheism, so I frankly welcome Satanists as on our team. I’d rather have a Rudd than a Dawkins any day of the week.

What do you think? Are you a Satanist? Has anyone got video evidence of Paul Rudd eating a baby? Please post comments letting us know your thoughts.

FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

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MAN DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER SAYS IT WAS STILL FUNNIER THAN BAD NEIGHBORS 2

HOLLYWOOD – Brian Akewith has just been diagnosed with cancer but he still believes that moment was funnier than anything in Zac Efron and Seth Rogen’s Bad Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising.

Being diagnosed with cancer is terrible, really terrible, I think we can all agree on that. And Brian Akewith of San Diego, California received the news at his doctor’s office in the company of his wife.

It was difficult to take. When someone actually pronounces those words. They’re immediately talking about treatment and options, but your mind is racing and you don’t really hear them. It will probably still take some time to sink in. And yet even in that moment both I and Caroline managed to joke about it and our doctor is also a guy we’ve been going to for a long time so we are a little like friends. It was horrible news, but we dealt with it well and we walked out of his office with some hope.

In order to pass some time and help them take their minds of the dilemma they decided to catch a movie before heading home.

I had seen the original Bad Neighbors and I thought it was likable in a dumb way so we thought why not.

However, what they had hoped would come as some much needed comic relief turned into a nightmare.

We just sat there wondering about the void at the center of all life. I mean what hope is there. I even began to feel angry. Seth Rogen is going to be making these dumb movies and chances are I’ll be gone. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Comparing the two experiences, Brian was clear.

I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to be diagnosed with cancer, but I really wouldn’t want them to see Bad Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising. At least with the cancer diagnosis, there was that bit where we told a couple of black jokes and we all actually laughed. Plus cancer diagnoses don’t star Selena Gomez.

Bad Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising is on general release.

PAUL RUDD: ‘I WORSHIP SATAN’

LOS ANGELES – Paul Rudd has become the latest in a long line of stars to declare their deep and abiding religious belief in the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

‘Hollywood can be a crazy place and being an actor can be a stressful occupation,’ the This is Forty star said smiling affably. ‘I find worshipping Satan brings me inner peace and centres me.’

Rudd’s conversion marks only the latest Hollywood star – Selena Gomez and Christian Slater have also recently declared themselves Satanists – in what is quickly becoming what many are calling the ‘New Scientology’. A new high tech and air conditioned Center for the Promotion of Beelzebub  has opened off Sunset Boulevard, where new celebrity devotees can gather and practice their various Black Masses and rituals.

Paul Rudd speaking from his Hollywood home said:

People think that it’s all worshiping upside down crucifixes, sacrificing babies and desecrating churches, well I’ve never seen an upside down crucifix, but two out of three ain’t bad, ha ha ha!

Tom Cruise angrily responded to the claims that Satanism had now overtaken Scientology as the new nut-bag spiritual fad.

These people are weak minded and they’re being taken in by charlatans who are basically inventing a lot of gobbledegook that people like Ruddy are just swallowing whole. The main problem is it’s cheaper than Scientology.

Bishop Humbert Humbert of the Roman Catholic church however welcomed the surge in commitment:

What we should focus on here is the fact that these people believe in the same beings we believe in. We’ve been fighting against the wave of Godless atheism, so I frankly welcome Satanists as on our team. I’d rather have a Rudd than a Dawkins any day of the week.

What do you think? Are you a Satanist? Has anyone got video evidence of Paul Rudd eating a baby? Please post comments letting us know your thoughts.

TWIN PEAKS NEW GENERATION ‘WILL APPEAL TO YOUTH’

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Frost and David Lynch’s cult TV show Twin Peaks is to return to television courtesy of Showtime and a re-imagining which will continue the story through the new younger generation.

David Lynch and co-creator Frost had already taken to Twitter to hint at a renewal of the show which ran for thirty episodes and a spin off movie, Fire Walk With Me, but the Dune director wanted to speak at length and EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve been really into my Transcendental Meditation for ages now. And it has been satisfying, you sit there and become one with the universe more or less, but the downside of it is a. cramps and b. it gets really, really boring. So when Mark called me up and said he had some ideas for a new Twin Peaks I said, ‘let’s do this’.

What will the new show be like?

It’ll be the young kids. I don’t see how anyone can even remember who Kyle MacLachlan is anymore, so I want to go with Dale Cooper’s son, Rodney Cooper, played by Zac Efron. Rodney is called to the town when his dad goes missing and it turns out that the Son of Bob (Freddie Highmore), a mysterious serial killer might be responsible. Of course, the girl with the twig (Selena Gomez) roams the town weirdly as does Donna Hayward’s daughter Marcy (Ariana Grande). There’s going to be a lot more music in this version. I’ve been watching a lot of Glee and I think that will add something to the show, though Mark is a bit resistant.

Will this change of direction effect other aspects of the show?

Yes. Instead of Damn Fine Coffee, Rodney Cooper will say things like hashtag DFC.

Twin Peaks: The New Generation will be broadcast early in the Spring, 2015.  

ANTHONY HOPKINS RULES HIMSELF OUT OF JUSTIN BIEBER BIO-PIC

CARDIFF – Welsh actor and human chameleon Sir Anthony Hopkins has today formally withdrawn his hat from the ring and ended speculation that he was to star in Bieber, the new Gasper Noè directed biopic of the post-pubescent singer.

‘I’m just a little bit too old,’ said the former Hannibal Lecter.

I sat down with Gasper and he tried to persuade me and we spoke for some time, but in the end  I had to say look at me, I can’t play a teenager,’ said Hopkins, who is famed for his transformations as Hannibal Lecter, C.S. Lewis, Nixon, Hannibal Lecter, Methuselah, Hannibal Lecter and most recently Alfred Hitchcock. It would have been nice to add to the gallery of portraits, but alas, not to be.

The film – a prequel to Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – was to chart the rise of the teen sensation from his lowly humble origins as a ‘Canadian’. Schlock French director Noè – famous for his twenty minute rape scenes – said:

Initially, I had no interested in this disgusting little twerper. Who is he? A no one. But then I saw him vomit on stage and I though a-ha! This is art. This is L’Avant Garde!

It isn’t all bad news though. Helen Mirren has agreed to play Selena Gomez, Mr. Bieber’s paramour.

Bieber will be released in 2016.

THE WIRE MOVIE IS GO

BALTIMORE – David Simon‘s classic HBO crime series The Wire is finally going to hit the big screens next year after a long period in development hell.

Director Harmony Korine has been entrusted with bringing the multi-layered and subtly wrought socio-political portrait of inner city America in free fall to the screen.

He spoke exclusively to Studio Exec last night:

I really respect what David Simon did with his five seasons, but this is a movie and there are going to have to be some changes. Plus he’s like almost dead he’s so old. He’s fifty or something. And what kids want to see today is young voices like me. Uncompromising and unflinching, bringing a hard look to the world of hard drugs.

 How will the film differ from the TV show?

In the TV show there were all these old people, Idris Elba and Dominic West and what have you. None of them wearing bikinis, I’d note as well. None. So in my film James Franco will be the oldest member of the cast. He’ll be the drug king pin and then we have Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus as the girl cops fresh from the academy who have to pose as strippers in a lap dance joint where they make their entrances suspended above the stage on a … wait for it … wire! Right? As part of the..investigation thing.

The Wire will be released in 2015. 

SELENA GOMEZ: ‘I WAS RAISED BY WOLVES’

HOLLYWOOD – Spring Breakers star, actress, and singer, Selena Gomez – in a revealing and intimate interview with German cultural magazine Spunken – spoke for the first time about her early childhood and how it informed her later rise to fame and her ambition to achieve super-stardom.

The Wizards of Waverly Place starlet recalled her late father Eponymous Gomez, an explorer and Felicia his young pregnant wife. When they were forced to crash land in the Amazon rain forest they were given up for lost. Indeed, Eponymous had been badly injured in the crash and Felicia – in a state of shock – went into labor. And so the future girlfriend of Justin Bieber was born.
Ms. Gomez told Spunken:

I would have been lost. My daddy passed away from the injuries he sustained in the crash and my mother was eaten by ravenous wolves, but fortunately, and I’ll never truly know why, the mother of the pack took me for her own, suckled me and saw I ate all my raw flesh, until I was healthy enough to survive. To this day I never eat salad.

The German journalist asks shyly how come there were wolves in the Amazon rain forest.

Oh, dad always carried some wolves in the back of the plane in case of emergencies. That way if we crashed and he was killed and I was born prematurely and then mother died and I was left in the middle of the jungle defenseless, helpless, a new born baby with scant chance of survival the wild wolves, starved and traumatized would protect me and bring me up as a ‘fur-less cub’. You have to admire the man’s foresight because that is exactly what happened. 

How did it change you, living with wolves? 

It was great at first and they were very supportive when I started my career. Especially my pack mother. They would howl all night and I’d try to harmonize with them. They also provided me with a fierce will to succeed, whatever the cost. There was plenty of rough and tumble, I can tell you.

And do you still see your wolf mother?

No. Unfortunately, she passed away. As soon as I got enough money, shortly after I started appearing on Barney and Friends and had a proper agent and everything, I hired a helicopter to take me back to the crash site where the wolves still had their den. They came running to greet me, their tales wagging and I shot every last one of them with a recoilless machine gun.

Mien Gott!

Those bitches tore my mother to pieces and ate her while she screamed. That shit can’t go down unpunished.  

Reprinted with the kind permission of Spunken magazine. 

REVIEW: SPRING BREAKERS

REVIEW: SPRING BREAKERS – Harmony Korine shows us what Russ Meyer’s world would like if populated by the less endowed stars of Disney and Nickelodeon.

Showing a frenzied urge to break the constraints of their clean teen profiles, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine play a quartet of girls gone wild, who in their desperation to hit the beaches for Spring Break decide to turn their hands to armed robbery.

The partying proves as rough as their means of getting there and, after a run in with the law, they are bailed from jail by local musician and wannabe gangster Alien, played with grinning aplomb by Hollywood’s resident goof ball, James Franco, who has his own plans for the bikini clad waifs. Korine’s film is a hysterical and at times hallucinatory joyride of candy-colored tastelessness and cussed amoral hedonism. A generic hybrid, for the young lasses it’ll be a pussy riot Clockwork Orange, for the young fellas it’ll be a dribble fest and for their parents it’ll be the scariest horror film they ever seen.

DARYL HANNAH’S AMAZON ARMY ‘READY TO ATTACK’

NEW YORK – News came in earlier today that Daryl Hannah – star of such films as Kill Bill Volume 2 and Splash! – has been amassing a private army of Amazonian warriors ready to attack America, overturn the government and implement a Fem-Ocracy. As is almost always the case with stories of this nature, Anne Hathaway has been named as one of her most prized Lieutenants.
Uma Thurman first reported Hannah’s plans to disbelieving reporters during a junket for the concluding Volume of the Kill Bill saga:

I was telling them that Hannah had recruited some of the most famous actress in her army. Jolie was already on board and Megan Fox. Helen Mirren had her own private army for years, but they were considered too radical and anyway her and Dame Judi Dench were British and so had their own agenda.

Thurman’s warnings were met with scepticism even by Four Rooms director Quentin Tarantino.

Sure, she talked to me about it. But I thought she was pitching a film, a film I’d still be interested in doing, by the way, should Daryl still fancy it after the revolution. 

Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus are all thought to hold key positions. Some have speculated that Hannah’s Amazon army might move first on Russia to free the Pussy Riot group. Others have argued that the whole story comes from a misread email about a Daryl Hannah Box Set ordered from Amazon.

NEW CROP OF IDEAS DISCOVERED: FOOD

HOLLYWOOD – We’ve had films based on novels and plays. And we’ve had films based on comic strips and video games. We’ve even had films based on board games, but a new source of film ideas has been discovered: food. With a whole rack of movies lined up Studio Exec – ‘the best movie resource site on the internet’ to quote IMDB – previews the pick of the crop.

  • Pop Tarts: Selena Gomez and Virginia Hudgens co-star with Justin Timberlake in the Harmony Korine scripted drama about fruity fillings and savoury snacks, which although sweet can still burn you with over hotness.
  • In and Out: A remake of the Kevin Kline gay comedy with Magnum (not the ice cream, but still…) will feature ‘much more eating hamburgers’ says star Jonah Hill, who laughingly said, ‘I’ll be choosing the salad’. 
  • Big Mac: Will star Liam Neeson as Mac and Rod Schneider as the Clown his enemy. When asked what attracted him to the project, Neeson pointed in the direction of Switzerland. 
  • Apple: Initially, when this film was slated, it was rumored that this was the long awaited Steve Jobs biopic starring John Goodman, but it turns out that Sally Fields will play Granny Smith and Dwyane ‘The Rock’ Johnson will play Golden Delicious. 
All films are set to be released in 2013 and are to be directed by Steven Soderburgh.