SEAN SPICER TO HOST THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump’s former press secretary Sean Spicer will host the 90th edition of the Motion Picture Academy Awards in 2018.

Sean Spicer’s journey from despised turd to semi-ironic despised turd continues. Following his appearance on the Emmys, the Melissa McCarthy lookalike is set to host the 90th Oscars ceremony on March 8, 2018. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Sean was full of beans:

I am sooo excited. There’ll be singing and dancing. I love movies and fame and what not. To tell you the truth when they fired me I thought that’s it for the Spicer. Who is going to want me now? But little did I know that this is America and even when people think you’re a vacuous piece of lying shit, they still want ruffle your hair as long as your rich and famous.

What are you going to do?

I’m going to do that joke about how there are millions watching the show. And then I’m going to say ‘period’ like I did in real life and I was serious. And everyone is going to laugh. It’ll be funny because it’s true. Also, I’d like to do some political humor. I could tell that joke about how Hitler never gassed anybody. Hey, if Billy Crystal and Woody Allen can say ‘Jew this’ and ‘Jew that’, I don’t see why I can’t!

Are you worried about taking on such a big role as a relative amateur?

That’s what we all thought about Donald Trump and now look where we are! Ha ha. No but seriously. If James Franco and Ann Hathaway can do it, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

How does Donald Trump feel about your job?

He’ll appear as a surprise guest! And we’ll all ruffle his hair. It’ll be hilarious. Other guests include Steve Bannon and the Mooch are going to do a tap dancing/ contortionist act. David Duke is doing a skit about diversity. Who know there were that number of different types of blond hair? And Scott Baio and Kid Rock are going to sing ‘Imagine’ while pissing on a picture of Hillary Clinton! But you know, ironically.

The Oscars will be on March 8, 2018.

 

DALE COOPER TO HEAD FBI

HOLLYWOOD – Dale Cooper is the new head of the FBI, replacing James Comey.

The announcement came from the White House in the early hours of this morning. Special Agent Dale Cooper is to take over the position of Director of the FBI following the controversial sacking of former director, James Comey. Sean Spicer told waiting reporters from behind a vase in the Rose Garden.

President Trump has today announced that Dale Cooper is to take over the running of the FBI. Agent Cooper is an excellent agent, honorable and upstanding with many years of experience. You might remember the Laura Palmer case. What many people don’t know is that Agent Cooper also loves ‘damned fine coffee’. That’s a quote.

How did the President come to this decision? Was it a recommendation?

No. President Trump is a leader, strong and decisive. He was watching television late last night and a trailer for Twin Peaks came on. I’m not sure what it was about it, but he scribbled a name in crayon on the pad he keeps and sent me out to make this statement.

But Dale Cooper is a fictional character?

Yes. And?

Well, how can a fictional character run an enormous law enforcement agency with thousands of employees?

Exactly the way our President does. With strong and decisive leadership.

Will he continue the investigation into the Russian hacking of the election?

Did I mention he likes ‘damned fine coffee’. Oh, and he’s also a fan of pie.

Russia?

To be honest, Director Cooper seems to be more interested in catching real criminals. We’ve already put out a warrant for someone called ‘Bob.’

Dale Cooper will be installed later this week.

 

MEMENTO REMAKE TO STAR SEAN SPICER

WASHINGTON – The Memento remake is going ahead with Sean Spicer in the original Guy Pearce role.

Christopher Nolan’s Memento was a cult hit. Now it’s being remade with Sean Spicer starring as the man who following a tragic incident is unable to remember things that happened more than 20 minutes ago. Spicer spoke to the Studio Exec about the new direction:

The original idea has always been for me to go into acting. But I was going to do it sometime in the future. The distant future I thought. However, now it looks like we’ll probably be able to begin shooting sometime next week.

Has your experience as White House Communications Director helped you prepare for the film?

Absolutely. Every day I feel like it is very difficult to remember what happened the day before or even half an hour before that. In fact, it’s kind of the policy of the Trump administration to only employ people with very poor short term memory and an ambiguous and noirish sense of right and wrong. The film also has these doom laden and guilt-ridden atmosphere which is just becoming more and more like my life.

Have you any comment about the Hitler gaffe yesterday?

The original idea has always been for me to go into acting. But I was going to do it sometime in the future. The distant future I thought. However, now it looks like we’ll probably be able to begin shooting sometime next week.

Re-Memento will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

OLIVER STONE OVERDOSES ON CONSPIRACY

HOLLYWOOD – Oliver Stone rushed to hospital with a suspected overdose of conspiracy.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone was rushed to hospital last night following a suspected conspiracy overdose. Fortunately this morning he was well enough to talk to the Studio Exec via one of those voice scramblers serial killers use when they taunt the police:

Hey Exec! How’s it going?

Good. How are you Oliver?

I’ve been better. This is a dark period for me. Trump is in the White House. Hillary Clinton is in the woods. The FBI and the NSA are testifying in a hearing. The chairman of the hearing is running round to the White House to tell the President what’s going on. Thereby sabotaging his own hearing. It’s dark times indeed.

Is it as bad as when you directed Alexander?

Let’s not go over the top. It’s bad but nothing can compare to Colin Farrell in a tunic.

So what happened?

As you know I’ve been someone who has been interested in secret machinations of power all my life. Whether it’s Nixon or JFK, or producing my Secret History of the USA documentary. But this stuff is the good stuff. I’ve never mainlined something so pure before. You have Russians, Wikileaks, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. And I haven’t mentioned Jeff Sessions and Michael Flynn. Or the Christopher Steele dossier or the fact that the Russians mentioned have started dropping like flies. Flies that have been shot and poisoned. Goddamn this stuff is powerful.

Are you going to make a film about it?

I’d love to, but who will believe it. I mean, we’re watching it unfold right now in front of our eyes and we don’t believe. I guess you could just watched Natural Born Killers again. That pretty much sums it all up.

What do you think is going to happen?

I don’t know. The doctors have prescribed that I watch nothing but Sesame Street for a year.

But Trump’s budget is going to cancel that.

Motherfucker!

Oliver Stone’s Secret History of the United States of America Volume Ten Trumped Up will be released in 2018.

DONALD TRUMP EXPELS SCOTT BAIO BY ACCIDENT

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump accidentally expelled Scott Baio earlier today.

‘I thought he was an illegal!’ A panicked Donald Trump allegedly yelled at his White House after signing an executive order that expelled Happy Days star Scott Baio.

The kerfuffle came when President Trump’s pen ran out of ink while signing executive orders to stop poor people from using gravity. Sean Spicer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

An exciting moment and President Trump turns to me. And said: ‘We should expel Scott Baio.’ I was taken aback. But I immediately got the Executive Order written up and he signed it. It was only later I was told he had actually said ‘Has anyone got a biro?’ which admittedly doesn’t sound that similar.

The order states that Charles in Charge actor Scott Baio has 12 hours to leave the territory of the United States of America or he will be seized and forcibly removed.

Baio was seen to be hastily gathering his belongings including his 1981 Most Promising Performer TV Award and tearfully waving goodbye to his wife and children, who have elected to stay.

SEAN SPICER BAGS MOVIE DEAL

WASHINGTON – White House Press spokesman Sean Spicer is to have a career in cinema as well.

Starring in a sequel to a middling Jim Carrey comedy, Sean Spicer will appear in Liar Liar 2.

The note from the studio reads:

Sean Spicer will be starring in Liar Liar 2, the long-awaited sequel to Liar Liar. We will be paying him $1.5 million.

Sean Spicer said that it would be the funniest comedy in the history of comedy, but also moving.

I play a lawyer who has a different name to my actual name. It is an alternate name. And the things that happen to me haven’t really happened to me, but an alternate version of things that happened.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.