SEAN PENN: NOT MAKING GOOD FILMS, A POLITICAL STATEMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Hi guys, Sean Penn here. I just wanted to cut through the bullshit a second and make something clear to all the people who have been watching my career recently with some bemusement. I know exactly what you’re thinking: what the f*ck is Shanghai Surprise (as I prefer to be known) up to?

Gangster Squad stank of thrice used, thrice unflushed toilet water. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was almost terminally unfunny. Tree of Life? Tree. Of. Life?
Okay, I hear you. I feel your pain. These aren’t Dead Man Walking, or 21 Grams, or Milk. They’re not even I am Sam! So what gives Penn?

Well, I’ll tell you. As many of you probably know as well as being a world famous film actor, I’m also something of a political activist with outspoken views on lots of different topics. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a liberal. No, I’m actually a radical. Yeah. I know. 

And it occurred to me not so long ago that this making films lark is highly dubious from a ‘bringing down the system’ point of view. At least, it is if the films are successful. So what I decided was that I would make films and choose roles specifically to destroy the ideological homogeneity engine that is Hollywood from within by making terrible films. I dipped a toe in with The Interpreter. Then a whole foot with All the King’s MenGangster Squad and Mitty were the equivalent of full immersion. If you want to take a photo of the Hollywood sign do so now, because the foundations are shaking and the whole thing is going to Emmerich under the weight of my underwhelming output. There’s no way the Entertainment Industry can survive this level of mediocrity. Just you wait.

Sean Penn will be appearing in Any Which Way But Loose in 2016.  

TOM CRUISE BUYS LIECHTENSTEIN

 

VADUZ  – Film star, couch safety tester and leading Thetan, Tom Cruise today finalized the purchase of Liechtenstein and declared himself Prince Cruise.

The Principality located between Switzerland and Austria had taken the unusual measure of hiring itself out for an evening at a time at the price of $70,000 a night, during which period novelty currency would be used, street signs featuring the name of the client and 150 guests could be accommodated.  
Scientology has been declared the state religion and a private police force called the ‘Cruise Control’. 

Witnesses on the Austrian border says they could distinctly hear the Rock of the Ages sound track booming out over the once peaceful land.

Local resident Gustav Hanker said that he was cautiously optimistic about the new regime: ‘We live very quietly here and we like winter sports and walking. The only problem is something should be done about some of the litter in Vaduz. But I’m sure Prince Cruise can solve it. I mean, it’s hardly a mission impossible.’
Herr Hanker laughed his face off at his own carefully prepared joke.
The news comes only weeks after Anne Hathaway bought Poland and Sean Penn made the first of a series of down payments on Haiti.

Risky Business 2: The VD Files is due out in 2015.

SEAN PENN TO PLAY DAN AYKROYD IN BELUSHI

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement earlier today that Emile Hirsch will be playing the title role in the forthcoming John Belushi biopic, Beneath the Toga, directed by Steve Conrad, it was also revealed that Sean Penn would be stepping into the shoes of that other Blues Brother Dan Aykroyd.

The two actors have acted together before in Milk and Penn directed Hirsch in his true story film, Into the Wild. However, this time Penn says he will be glad to take second billing as the Canadian who stood next to John Belushi.

I’ve watched Emile from afar and from close up and I can tell you that he is multi-talented and will blow all the doubters out of the water. Many people have been saying: Emile Hirsch? John Belushi? Really? Well now they’re going to be saying: Sean Penn? Dan Aykroyd? Really? So things are changing.

As well as being in smash hit films like 1941 and Neighbors, Belushi was also quietly producing art house turns in such indy classics as Animal House and, with Aykroyd The Blues Brothers. “I have the accent perfect,” said Penn. “And now I need the look.”

Earlier, Emile Hirsch commented that he was attracted to the role of Belushi because of the number of pizza pies he will be allowed to eat as preparation. 

Beneath the Toga  will be released in 2014.

GANGSTER SQUAD LARGELY FORGOTTEN

HOLLYWOOD – It came as some relief today that the AMA declared that those unfortunate enough to have watched Gangster Squad when it was released earlier this year have – for the most part- already forgotten it.

‘The symptoms of slack mouthed drooling and bleary eyed alienation have for the most part passed,’ remarked Dr. Shuman in a 400 page report. ‘It’s almost like it never existed.’
No one was more relieved than cast member Ryan Gosling, who candidly admitted to having slept through his own performance. 

I thought the gig was up. I was blander than one of the entrees in my macrobiotic restaurant Gosling’s Guzzler Hole. But fortunately not that many people went to see it and those who did have now filled that brain space with some other inanity.

Co-star Josh Brolin also declared himself ‘happy and exhausted from the trauma’ of Reuben Fleischer’s soporific grind. He apologized to all his fan and promised not to do it again. Sean Penn was a lone voice, declaring he thought ‘it wasn’t that bad’, confirming many people’s opinion of him as an out and out fruit cake who always takes the opposite view in order to be controversial.  
We asked Dr. Shuman if there was any danger that the publication of his report ‘The Blessed Forgetfulness that Followed Gangster Squad‘ might revive memories, to which he replied:

Shit! You know, we never thought of that.  

Gangster Squad 2 will be available on pay per view.

MY FAVORITE FILM: SEAN PENN

HOLLYWOOD – Favorite films gives film makers, actors and famous people the chance to talk about the films that have inspired them to be who they are, do what they do, or simply enjoy an evening out when they’re trying not to go out. This week: Sean Penn.

What’s my favorite film? What a stupid f*cking question. That’s like asking me if I prefer scrambled eggs or poached eggs. I don’t even f*cking like eggs. Wait a minute. I do, I like fried eggs but not on toast they have to be on their own. No salt. 
Tim Robbins, the prick, he likes boiled eggs which just goes to show what kind of man he is. I could have had his role in The Shawshank Redemption. They asked me first but I told them to go f*ck themselves. I wanted him to get struck by lightning as soon as he escaped. That would have been more realistic. He spends twenty years trying to get out and as soon as he does, boom, he gets zapped and the message would have been hope is futile because sh*t happens. I like that. It’s gritty.
 
I’d have gone that way with Batman too. His parents get whacked, all very f*cking tragic and he spends all this time learning to fight crime and making his suit and whatever and the first day he goes out on the job he gets shot in the head. Bang! He’s a vegetable. Spends the rest of his days drooling in his wheelchair and eating baby food through a straw. Alfred puts his head in the oven because the stress of being a full time carer gets too much for him to cope with. That’s art, baby. That’s social f*cking commentary.
 
I used to love De Niro. Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter. Films about men doing manly things. You can smell the f*cking testosterone, but he’s a joke now. A joke without a f*cking punchline. I was on a plane and I caught the Big Wedding. It made me want to vomit so I got the pilot to divert the plane to New York, got off, took a taxi to De Niro’s, knocked on his door and when he answered it, I punched him in the head. I left but then I remembered Righteous Kill so I went back and punched him in the head again. Now I can’t go within 500 yards of the prick. F*ck him. Anyway what was the question, what is my favorite egg?.What a stupid f*cking question. Go f*ck yourself.
 

Sean Penn will star in The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty due for release on Dec 26 2013.

WILL SMITH: I’M NOT DEAD

HOLLYWOOD – Former charismatic actor Will Smith held a press conference this morning in Los Angeles denying the recent Twitter rumors that he had disappeared up his own ass and starved to death. ‘As you can all see, rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated,’ said a ruffled looking Smith:

“I’ll admit that it was a close call. I’d been stuck up my own ass for well over a decade and it was a pretty harrowing experience but I managed to survive on nuts, berries and natural spring water.”

Smith went on to say that he decided to venture into his own ass just to “see what is was like up there” but he soon realized that once he was in, it was difficult to get back out again.

“Once you’re up there, there just isn’t enough room to turn round and after a while I just gave up. I would have died of boredom a long time ago but thankfully I found of copy of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics and after studying the book for years it gave me the tools I needed to excrete myself.”

Asked if he had been changed by the experience, Smith sighed. 

“When I went in I was a lovable wise-cracking guy who everyone liked and now I’m kind of a shadow of my former self but I’m on the mend. I went to a group meeting the other day of actors who have survived living up their own ass and their stories are so inspirational. Jack Nicholson told me that Dennis Hopper had lived up his own ass for so long he’d raised a family in there.”

Smith said his next step on the road to recovery is to found a charity to raise awareness for those in Hollywood still deep in their own asses.

“These people need help. I mean, Sean Penn has been up his own ass for well over 30 years and there are those who think he’ll never find his way out but we must not give up hope that one day we’ll hear a plop and he’ll just slide on out.”

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 16: BEN AFFLECK

MALIBU – Ben Affleck bounces into the breakfast bar of the Hilton and glances around at the assembled diners before passing through the room stopping to shakes hands and say hello to each and every one.

He calls each one by name and asks after their kids, pets, or various skin diseases. One would think he was trying to win an election, but no, this is just Ben – Big Ben as he prefers to be known – the man who once called himself ‘the Next Sean Penn, but with J-Lo and he had… I want to say Madonna?’

So Fleckers! You’re in a buoyant mood. What gives?

Am I? I suppose I am. No reason. Oh could I have the grapefruit and just a a slice of whole meal bread lightly toasted with unsalted butter. 

The waiter smiles and Affleck tells him to Ar-go fuck yourself. The whole room bursts into applause. Ben jerks up right and suddenly starts thanking his father, mother, Matt Damon, George Clooney for believing in him, before catching himself and sitting down again.

Sorry. Force of habit. Where were we? 

You seem happy. 

I cannot lie it has been a good year. But I can’t take all the credit. George Clooney believed in me and the scriptwriter Chris Terrio, God knows how he dreams up these stories. It’s just like the most incredible imagination.

It was based on a true story.

Get the fuck out of here.

It was.

You’re shitting me. Seriously. Wow! I mean wow. 

Just then breakfast arrives and Ben busies himself with the business end of the toast.

I suppose that’s what all those questions were about. Now it all makes sense. Well, there you go. Wait a minute does that mean… was Pearl Harbor also … was that based…

On a true story, yes.

Motherfucker! Really? Christ, and there’s me thinking how clever these writers are and they’re just copying this shit down from like life. 

That’s an art in itself.

Yeah right. What about Armageddon? No, but seriously, was Armageddon a true story?

No that was a made up story. 

I knew that one. Michael Bay. Now there’s a genius for making shit up. Oh wait. Ben picks up his phone and speed dials Michael Bay. Hey Mike. Got a thought for you Armageddon 2 put this line in: Ar-ma gedding out of here!  Yeah right.

What did he say?

He told me to go fuck myself.

Ar-go fuck yourself?
Ben looked at me with tears in his eyes.
‘No,’ he whispered. ‘Just go fuck yourself.’

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 15. SEAN PENN

Eggs (over easy), bacon, ham, pork sausages, ham, coffee, whisky (drunk from broken bottle)

He has long been one of the most intelligent voices in Hollywood. His obvious talent was sometimes hidden in the glare of the publicity afforded him by his hi-profile relationship with a beautiful pop star and his own occasional excesses. As the years have gone by, he has moved into character acting and directing his own films which each give his own idiosyncratic take on the American dream. Unfortunately Ben Affleck couldn’t make it this morning and at a pinch I just happened to run into Sean Penn.

So Sean Gangster Squad? What the fuck?

The idea was interesting. Mickey Cohen and all that period in LA. I really thought it was time as well to make a new version of the gangster genre and I loved Ruben Fleischer’s work on erm… the Jimmy Kimmel show and … er… Oh Zombieland was good. Wasn’t it?

Are you looking on IMDB?

Fuck you! But yes. 

Okay so, The Tree of Life Sean, what the fuck? 

Now listen, Terry Malick is genius and I’d go to the ends of the earth for him. Of course, when I told him that I assumed he’d realize I was talking figuratively. Instead he actually sent me to the Gobi desert to wander around in an Armani suit.

It must have been hell.

Armani’s suits are a bit tight around the crotch but … oh you mean the desert? Yeah. Plus not a fuck did I know about what I was doing in that film. I mean seriously.

And so Sean, This Must Be the Place, what the fuck?

Oh, come on that was good. I had a ball making that and I really respect Paolo [Sorrentino], he’s an artist. You have to understand  I’m a risk taker and sometimes those risks don’t pay off. I’m the guy who is out there on the edge.

So what’s your next project?

I’m doing Prone Gunmen with the guy who made Taken and Danny the Dog

Seriously? What the fuck!

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

  

OBAMA PROMISES METEOR HIT
















WASHINGTON – The 44th President of the United States Barack H. Obama promised during his second inauguration that more work would be done to place the Earth in the path of an asteroid.
‘I recognize many thought my first term timid in avoiding a collision with a space rock the size of Kansas,’ said President Obama. ‘But I promise  you, Robert Duvall and Bruce Willis are ready to join forces and NASA is currently rushing to identify an asteroid that would put us in danger and give us all a new sense of perspective about how petty our squabbles are when faced with immediate irrevocable extinction.’


The GOP were quick to respond, criticizing the President for playing what they called the ‘Morgan Freeman card.’ John Boehner said, ‘What we need is someone more like Stanley Anderson or perhaps Dennis Quaid. And instead of an asteroid, perhaps a giant blob or dinosaurs escaped from one of Spielberg’s camps.’

Others accused the President however of not being radical enough. ‘He says he wants to be on a collision course,’ said Sean Penn. ‘But then he is also willing to bring out the cowboys to save the day. They would then destroy the asteroid probably with nuclear weapons, causing great environmental damage to the asteroid.’ 

THIS MUST BE THE PLACE: REVIEW

Harvey Milk is Robert Smith from The Cure whose married to the sheriff of Fargo but goes all Boys from Brazil when his dad dies, helped by the least famous guy from Taxi.

Paolo Sorrentino directs his first English language film with the dial turned to full quirk. A road movie, revenge, comedy mishmash that looks good, but doesn’t really have anywhere to go. It isn’t quite as good/funny as you’ll pretend it is, but it’s still likeable and nuts.

TREE OF LIFE: REVIEW

The ‘oh come off it’ moment,













Benjamin Button marries Jessica Chestain and squirts out sprogs. One grows up to be Harvey Milk, one we don’t care about and the other dies, which leads everyone to think about dinosaurs and the universe from soup to nuts. The nuts bit is on a beach.
Prayer card imagery, National Geographic footage and whispering (SPEAK UP!) voice over. On the one hand a symphonic meditation on the meaning of life and the origin of suffering and on the other a load of old stuff, as Joe Biden might say. Probably both.

THE WAR IS OVER: Michael Bay captured by Sean Penn

WASHINGTON -President Obama gave a press conference this morning, confirming reports that Sean Penn has seized Michael Bay, and the director no longer poses a threat to America or it’s allies.

“I got a call from Sean late last night,” said a sanguine Obama, “He only said four words to me – ‘We got him chief’ – and the line went dead. Later, I found out his I-Phone had run out of battery power.”

The president went on to reveal the details of Penn’s daring dawn raid on Bay’s position.

“A CIA operative received a tip off that Bay was located in a KFC in down town Hanoi, where he was posing as a deputy manager. Penn entered the premises unarmed and ordered a Zinger tower meal with a Sprite and gravy side. Bay immediately recognized Sean and tried to bolt for the door, but when he paused to punch out his shift card, Sean managed to subdue him and slap on the handcuffs.”

The news of Bay’s capture had an immediate knock-on-effect in the presidential polls and Obama is now odds-on to win a second term. Mitt Romney, who previously suggested the government should nuke Vietnam in order to end Bay’s reign of terror, admitted he was “Pleased the threat had been neutralized.”, but added, “I’m still convinced we should have dropped the bomb. I mean, what’s the point of having nuclear weapons if we don’t use them?”

Bay is currently on a plane bound for Guantanamo Bay were he will be interrogated by Steven Spielberg who is said to be “Pissed.” that Bay abandoned work on Transformers 4 to invade Vietnam and was overheard exclaiming “I can’t wait to get my hands on that prick. I want my f*cking Dinobots!”

Although Bay’s apprehension officially brings an end to the conflict, the US government is yet to declare what they intend to do about John Milius, who is rumored to be located up the Nung River in Cambodia where he has gathered a band of devoted acolytes and declared himself “Warrior King.”

“We know Milius is out there waiting.”, said an anonymous Pentagon insider, “And it’s only matter of time before we send one of our own to take him down.”

MICHAEL BAY’S VIETNAM WAR: WEEK 2

HANOI – Michael Bay and his rag tag army of Hollywood actors, stunt men and special effects guys are in full retreat as the counter offensive saw them routed from their strong hold in the American embassy.
According to eyewitnesses, a crack squad of Vietnamese soldiers infiltrated the embassy by posing as pizza delivery guys. Claiming they had an extra big pizza in the van, they lured the American film maker and his explosive experts out of the embassy and onto Vietnamese soil where they were strafed by a heavy machine gun.

Lots of things exploded from three different angles and Michael Bay, with hand outstretched as though trying to grab the unravelling fabric of history and ravel it back, shouted ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ in slow motion. A journalist from Reuters described how the Hollywood stuntmen ‘were crying like girls’.

The remains of Bay’s army grabbed the pizza and fled the scene. Soon the retreat turned into a rout as they were pursued by heavily armed mopeds.

‘Dumber than an old stool sample


Bay had been waiting for promised reinforcements from John Milius, who has (as we can now EXCLUSIVELY report) diverted into Cambodia with his private army and declared himself ‘Warrior King’.

Sean Penn is – at time of writing – preparing a rescue squad to go in and pull Michael Bay ‘out of his own ass’, as Penn put it.

For more on the back ground of the war click here or here.

MITT ROMNEY “LET’S NUKE VIETNAM”



WASHINGTON – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney gave a press conference yesterday, outlining his own plans to deal with rogue director Michael Bay’s recent invasion of Vietnam.


“I think this situation has to be nipped in the bud pretty quickly,” said a statesmanlike Romney.

Bay is burrowed in the US Embassy in Saigon like an Alabama tick and unless we resort to extreme measures, his forces will spread into Cambodia, Laos and the rest of East Asia. This wanton aggression can no longer be tolerated and I firmly believe this maniac should be stopped in his tracks before it’s too late. President Obama has been shilly-shallying on this issue and his strategy, like his presidency, has been weak and ineffective. What this country needs is a strong leader who can make the tough decisions and if I were commander and chief, I would order a full scale nuclear strike on Bay’s position without delay.


Romney’s drastic plan was immediately dismissed by the White House as being “Fucking Stupid” and President Obama quickly organised his own press conference to assure the worlds media that he has his own plan to bring Bay to justice.

“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit,” said a pensive Obama.

“These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. We have a problem, and no one else can help, so if you can find them. Maybe we can hire the A-Team.”

With the politicians seemingly unable to agree on a strategy rumour has it that Hollywood has decided to take matters into its own hands and a special unit of actors, led by Sean Penn, has been smuggled over the Vietnamese border and are making their way to the capital.

For more news on the rapidly escalating conflict check out @studioexec1