STEVEN SODERBERGH DOESN’T EXIST

HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.

RUSSELL BRAND DOCUMENTARY ABOUT RUSSELL BRAND

AUSTIN – It was revealed today that Ondi Timoner’s new documentary Brand: A Second Coming is about Russell Brand.

The film – which premiered at SXSW – follows the TV Presenter/ film actor / comedian / Katy Perry’s husband Russell Brand as Russell Brand abandons Russell Brand’s film career in order to concentrate on himself: Russell Brand. Although Russell Brand himself was initially supposed to present the film and give a keynote speech at the festival, Russell Brand decided not to turn up and the director revealed Russell Brand was difficult and controlling to work with and even attempted to block the release of the film. The film itself has had a long and tortured gestation period with a number of different directors attached and a shift in focus from the more general theme of Happiness to the more specific theme of Russell Brand.

Russell Brand has lately courted controversy with Russell Brand’s views that the social system is unjust and poor people are hard done by. Although this has led to many criticizing Russell Brand, including linguist and intellectual Sean Hannity, hardly a word has been said about Russell Brand’s true crimes. Not the drug addiction and revolutionary politics which Russell Brand talks about openly but the fact Russell Brand appeared in the Arthur remake, a fact that Russell Brand seems keen on everybody forgetting.

Russell Brand russells brand branding russell, russell brand. Brand brands branding russell: russell russell brand and brand brand russell. Russelling brand russells brand brand russells.

Russell Brand features in Brand: A Second Coming will be released in Russell Brand vision.

SEAN HANNITY DOES COMEDY SPECIAL ON HBO

HOLLYWOOD – Following clashes with Russell Brand and Stephen Colbert, Fox anchor Sean Hannity today said that he finds nobody funny and so he’s going to do it himself in a new HBO comedy special Hannity Laughs at People who are Different from Us. The 52 year old conservative commentator spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve tried watching comics and comedians but I don’t find any of them funny. They all strike me as a bunch of lame brained liberals who spend half their time warring against Christmas and the other half supporting terrorist organisations such as Hamas and the ACLU.  Stephen Colbert isn’t funny. He’s mildly funnier than Jon Stewart but Jon Stewart is only as funny as a child’s freshly dug grave by which I mean: not funny at all. Russell Brand is so not funny he goes all the way round starts to become funny again but then laps himself and lands in NOT FUNNY.

What about other comedians?

Who like?

Charlie Chaplin?

Immigrant, vagrant, communist, get a job.

Woody Allen?

Pervert, anti-Semite.

Monty Python?

Never heard of him.

Adam Sandler?

Now he is a funny guy. He’s funny. Yeah, Sandler is the man when it comes to comedy. You see some people look at my big Irish head and think I haven’t got a sense of humor, an iota of nuance or good humor because of all my rage and bigotry. But Adam Sandler films do make me laugh. So there you go I do have a sense of humor after all.

What is your own show going to be like?

It is a very basic stand up style that I’m going to adopt. Very pared down. Me and a stool. And then I’m going to give classic observational comedy. Like for instance, ‘have you ever noticed that Asians are bad drivers?’ Then people will laugh because it’s both funny and true. All my comedy is based on picking up on people who either through accident of birth, or sexuality, or life decisions, or hard luck are just not normal like me. If you’re a straight white Irish/American male I think you’ll find a lot to laugh at.

The HBO special Sean Hannity: Laughing at People Who Are Different from Us will be released in 2015.

SEAN HANNITY / RUSSELL BRAND CEASEFIRE COLLAPSES

HOLLYWOOD – The ceasefire between British comedian Russell Brand and Fox News commentator Sean Hannity broke down in the early hours of this morning with Sean Hannity launching a massive ‘you’re a D List actor’ bombardment followed by a ‘more famous for your failed marriage to Katy Perry’ ground assault. Continue reading “SEAN HANNITY / RUSSELL BRAND CEASEFIRE COLLAPSES”

MICHAEL MOORE TO JOIN FOX NEWS FOR HANNITY AND MOORE

NEW YORK – In a shock move today, Fox News announced that Michael Moore will be joining the Fair and Balanced team to partner up with right wing commentator Sean Hannity for a new show to be called Hannity & Moore.

A nervous looking Moore – who is most famous for radical left wing documentaries like Fahrenheit 9/11 and Bowling for Columbine – read from a prepared statement:

Television news
cock juice

I have long berated Fox for its bias and yet I have also admired the technical skill with which it reaches out to an audience and provides them with entertaining propaganda. I – in my own little way – have tried to do likewise and when Mr. Rupert Murdoch personally telephoned me and said ‘Michael, come and join us, put your point of view, receive into your back account several millions of dollars’ it was very hard to refuse and so I didn’t.

Moore will be replacing Alan Colmes who previously duked it out with lunk Hannity on behalf of liberals, or
alternatively was an insect like punching bag that allowed Fox to pretend it was unbiased while loading the dice in the favor of conservatives. Sean Hannity said that he was excited at the opportunity to tear a strip off of Moore:

Me and Mike disagree on practically everything so there’ll be plenty of fireworks and before you ask, yes I am going to call him fatso every opportunity I get. The fat f*ck.

Others on the network were not as welcoming. Bill O’Reilly for one said that now Fox News would be unbalanced because ‘Moore’s so Goddam fat’.

Hannity & Moore begins next Thursday on Fox News.