SCRIPT LEAK: HOUSE OF CARDS FINAL SEASON

HOLLYWOOD – House of Cards final season has been confirmed, but they’ve had a script leak.

The final season of House of Cards is to go ahead, starring Robin Wright. The Studio Exec has received a leaked copy of the first episode.

INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY.

Claire UNDERWOOD sits at the desk. Enter Doug STAMPER.

DOUG

Mrs Underwood.

CLAIRE

When is President Underwood due back from the totally normal trade talks he went to?

DOUG

Any minute now. Actually that sounds like him now.

SOUND of Helicopter ROTOR BLADES overhead.

EXT. ROSE GARDEN. DAY.

Claire and Doug go outside as the President’s helicopter comes in to land. The helicopter suddenly EXPLODES.

CLAIRE

Oh no. Francis’ helicopter just exploded, probably definitely killing him.

DOUG

There won’t be anything left of him.

CLAIRE

Not even a contractually obligatory Exec Producer credit.

They return into the Oval Office.

INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY.

A young woman stands waiting for them.

CARRIE

Hello Madam President.

CLAIRE

Who are you?

CARRIE

I’m Carrie Mathison from Homeland. I’m here to begin a cat and mouse intrigue with sleeper agent Doug Stamper.

CLAIRE

Doug? I thought I was the sleeper agent.

CARRIE

Gotcha.

CLAIRE

Rats!

 

 

FINE

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SCRIPT LEAK: TRAINSPOTTING 2

 Int:Renton is whistling merrily and making a salad in the kitchen of his respectable London flat. The door bell rings, it’s Begbie.

                                                                   Renton
Afternoon Sir. Lovely day isn’t it?
 
Begbie
F*ck you yer f*cking c*nt. Ave you got any f*cking heroin?
 
Renton
I’m a 43 year old charted accountant living in Fulham, Begbie. Where, pray tell, would I purchase heroin from?
 
Begbie
Aw f*cking come on Rents. Just a wee f*cking hit.
 
Renton
Bad day?
 
Begbie
Ack it’s been a right c*nt of a day. Two lads in my class failed their f*cking Maths exam and that c*nt of a headmaster got all up in my face telling me I’ve got to give them extra f*cking tuition after school.
 
Renton
Sounds like a ghastly business. I’m surprised you didn’t attack him.
 
Begbie
Aye I wanted to chin the c*nt but since I’ve been going to those f*cking anger management classes I’m a reformed f*cking character.
 
Renton
Indeed you are. Now do you want to eat now, or after our Yoga class?
 
Begbie
F*cking after you slow c*nt. There’s no f*cking way I can get myself into the Ustrasana position with a full f*cking stomach.
 
Renton
Fine then let’s go. By the way, can you still make it to the Chekov play at the Donmar on Friday night? Sick Boy has already bought the tickets.
 
Begbie
Aw f*ck me! I f*cking forgot. Which f*cking play is it?
 
Renton
The Seagull
 
Begbie
Ack. Aye all f*cking right but if it was that c*nt Uncle Vanya I’d have told you to go f*cking f*ck yourself.


FIN

SCRIPT LEAK: GUY RITCHIE’S ALADDIN

HOLLYWOOD – Read the script for Guy Ritchie’s live-action remake of Disney’s Aladdin.

News that Guy Ritchie’s live action Aladdin has been green lit hit the internet yesterday. Today, the Studio Exec got EXCLUSIVE access to the script. Here is an excerpt.

EXT: THE DESERT. NIGHT

Aladdin, his pet pit bull Stains and Jafar approach the mouth of the cave.

JAFFAR

Aladdin, you slag! Get in that f*cking cave and get me my effing lamp.

ALADDIN

Awight, me old mucker! Be out in a jiffy.

INT. CAVE. NIGHT

Aladdin searches through piles of treasure, flies a magic carpet with Stainsand finds the lamp. 

ALADDIN

Jesus H. This lamp’s bleedin’ filthy. I’m gonna give it a good old rub.

Rubbing the lamp, Aladdin releases a huge blue Genie!

GENIE

Two thousand years is such a pain the ARSE!

ALADDIN

Cor blimey! 

GENIE
Awight Guvnor. What can I do for you? You got yerself three cups and dishes.

ALADDIN

Cups and dishes.

GENIE

Cups and dishes – Wishes. Shine a light. 

ALADDIN

Awight. I’ll have a motor, a nice new gaff and a packet of fish and chips please.

GENIE

Whoa! Hold your horses mucker. Doncha wanna become a Prince, impress Princess Jasmine, fly around the world singing a song. 

ALADDIN

What a chump! Wait. I’ll have a pint of warm beer instead of the fish and chips. What was I thinking?

Stains, Genie and Aladdin sing a ‘Whole New World’ and get pissed up on booze.

THE END

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STAR TREK 3: SCRIPT LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – News in that Simon Pegg is co-writing Star Trek 3 with Doug Jung, and the Studio Exec is proud to be able to EXCLUSIVELY reveal the first draft.

EXT. SPACE – NIGHT

The Starship Enterprise is surrounded by KLINGON vessels.

They are firing their weapons at the badly damaged ship.

INT. BRIDGE – NIGHT

The bridge is a wreck. Spock is wounded and Captain Kirk sits bleeding in his swivelly chair.

SULU

Deflector shields are at 5 % Captain.

SPOCK

The ship will be destroyed in precisely thirty seconds.

KIRK (on the intercom)

Scotty, you have to get us out of here.

INT. ENGINE ROOM – NIGHT

Scotty is working heroically to fix the engine.

SCOTTY

I told you the engines couldnae handle it, but does he listen? No. And this is what happens.

KIRK (on the intercom)

Scotty, please! You have to save us, with your amazing Scottish ingenuity.

SCOTTY

Oh, so I’m not just comic relief?

INT. BRIDGE – NIGHT

KIRK
No. You’re an integral part of the crew. In fact it’s time you got a promotion.

SPOCK
That would be logical captain.

UHURA

Can I also just add that I’ve always been in love with you Scotty,

and if we come through this then I’m yours you hear, all yours!

SPOCK

That isn’t so logical.

INT. ENGINE ROOM – NIGHT

SCOTTY

The engines are back on line.

INT. BRIDGE – NIGHT

KIRK
Warp factor 5 Mr. Scott.

SCOTTY

I’m sorry, Captain?

KIRK

No, you’re right. I’m no longer fit to command with my recklessness

and callous inability to appreciate the people who actually make

things happen on my ship. Warp factor 5 Captain Scott.

SCOTTY

Aye, aye, Mr. Kirk!

EXT. SPACE – NIGHT

The Starship Enterprise flies away at warp speed.

The END

PRODUCERS IN 1977 BLAST STAR WARS AS ‘A DISASTER’

HOLLYWOOD – Read for the first time an internal memo compiled by two senior producers (identified only by their initials AL and JP)  working at 20th Century Fox, which is highly critical of George Lucas’ new science fiction film Star Wars.

Snigger along with us as these witless assholes tear apart what will become a masterpiece and one of the most commercially successful movies of all time.

SCRIPT LEAK: PROMETHEUS 2:

EXT: DEEP SPACE

THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS SPACE AND EVENTUALLY FOCUSES ON A LARGE PLANET THAT LOOKS SIMILAR TO EARTH. ALL OF A SUDDEN A BATTERED SPACESHIP APPEARS HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET.

EXT: PLANET

THE SPACESHIP CRASH LANDS INTO A FOREST. THERE APPEARS TO BE NO SIGN OF LIFE UNTIL THE BAY DOORS OPEN AND DAVID THE ANDROID’S HEAD ROLLS DOWN THE SLOPE AND COMES TO REST ON THE GROUND. IT LOOKS AROUND, SPROUTS MECHANICAL SPIDERS LEGS AND SCURRIES OFF INTO THE UNDERGROWTH.

DR ELIZABETH SHAW APPEARS IN A BIKNI AND SUNGLASSES DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA. BEHIND HER APPEARS AN ALIEN ALSO IN SUNGLASSES SMOKING A CIGARETTE. THEY KISS.

DAVID’S SPIDER HEAD SCURRIES BACK TOWARDS THE COUPLE

DAVID

If you would both like to step this way. There is something I think you’d like to see.

SHAW AND THE ALIEN FOLLOW DAVID THROUGH THE FOREST UNTIL THEY COME TO A CLEARING. A GIANT GRAVESTONE IS SEEN WITH THE WORDS ‘ HERE LIES GOD. 100 BILLION BC – JULY 25TH 2095′.

SHAW

I can’t believe we came all this way and only missed him by a day. I had so many questions. So many things I wanted to say.

THE ALIEN NODS AND CONTINUES SMOKING

SHAW(CONT)

Ah well, f*ck it. Come on boys let’s get back to earth and I’ll take you both to Disneyland.

DAVID

Wait Dr Shaw. There’s something else.

DAVID SCAMPERS TOWARDS THE CLIFF EDGE FOLLOWED BY SHAW AND THE ALIEN. THEY LOOK DOWN AND SEE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY HALF BURIED IN SAND.

SHAW

You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK: INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Indiana Jones 5 has just been announced and already the Studio Exec has received the leaked screenplay.

Here it is:



EXT: NIGHT

IT’S DARK. INDY IS HACKING AWAY THROUGH THE UNDERGROWTH WITH HIS MACHETE. HE REACHES A HIGH FENCE AND PRODUCES A PAIR OF WIRE CUTTERS FROM HIS JACKET. SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A SIREN AND THE PLACE IS LIT UP BY FLOODLIGHTS. WE SEE A SIGN ON THE FENCE THAT READS ‘SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT HOME’.

A SILHOUETTE OF A FIGURE MOVES TOWARDS INDY. A FEMALE VOICE IS HEARD.

                           VOICE

                          Dr Jones.

INDY CONTINUES USING THE CUTTERS ON THE FENCE


                          VOICE (CONT’D)

                          Dr Jones!

THE FIGURE COMES INTO FOCUS. IT’S A WOMAN IN A NURSES UNIFORM.


                          NURSE

Put down the wire cutters Dr Jones and let’s get you back inside.

                          INDY

No. I must find the Ark before it falls into the hands of the Nazis

                          NURSE

Now, Now Dr Jones. We’ve been through this. It’s 1985. The war has been over for 40 years.

                          INDY
                      You’re lying!

                          NURSE

There, there. Come with me back inside. We’re about to serve dinner and it’s your favourite tonight.

                          INDY

                        Meatloaf?

                          NURSE

Meatloaf for main and treacle sponge and custard for dessert.

                          INDY

          Sounds good but I still can’t come back inside. 

                          NURSE

Sure you can. You’ll eat a nice dinner then you can have a nice sit down in the social area. Don’t forget, it’s bingo night tonight.

                          INDY 

You don’t understand. I’ve shit my pants and if I move it’s going to go everywhere.

                         NURSE

Don’t you worry about that now. I’ll give you a nice hot sponge bath and we’ll get you some clean pants.

                         INDY

                 Ok fine. I’m coming.

                                                         FIN

SCRIPT LEAK:BILL & TED 3

 
The year is 2020. Bill and Ted are the biggest band on the planet. Statues have been built in their honour and cities named after them. Mount Rushmore has been re-sculpted with their faces and their philosophy of ‘Be excellent to each other’ is the basis for the dominant global religion.

Int: The Rufus Hotel Penthouse.
 
The suite is a wreck. Alcohol bottles, room service trolleys, broken TVs, exotic animals and various drug paraphernalia litter the room. Ted is lying on the bed wearing shades surround by nude models. He removes a cigarette from a packet.
 

Ted

 
Hendrix. Light!
 
A monkey wearing a fez bounds onto the bed and lights Ted’s cigarette.
 
Ted
 
 Bill!
 
Bill
 
 What,dude?
 
Ted
 
Where are you dude?
 
Bill
 
I’m cooking dude. What do you want?
 
Ted drags himself out of bed, wanders through the suite and opens the door to the next room. Inside is a meth lab and two people in Hazamat suits.
 
Ted
 
Hey dude. We’re supposed to be giving a speech to the United Nations in an hour.
 
Bill
 
I like totally forgot dude. Big John, can you finish up here?
 
The other person in the Hazmat suit nods his head. Bill and Ted leave the lab and Ted removes his suit.
 
Ted
 
Hey dude. I just have to use the bathroom first.
 
Ted tries to open the bathroom door but it’s locked.
 
 
Ted
 
Hey Bill, I can’t open the door.
 
Bill
 
Try forcing it,dude.
 
Ted runs at the door but it doesn’t open.
 
Ted
 
Hey Bill. Give me a hand dude.
 
Bill and Ted both run at the bathroom door and it bursts open. Inside is a naked man in the bathtub covered in blood with a bullet in his head.
 
Bill & Ted
 
Argh!
Ted
 
Wait. That’s big John.
Bill
 
That can’t be big John we just left him in the Meth La….
 
Bill and Ted turn around and see a figure in a Hazmat suit. He removes his helmet. It’s Bryan Cranston
 
Cranston
 
Nobody tries to muscle in on my turf.
 
Cranston pulls out two guns.
 
 
Bill & Ted
 
Bogus.
 
Cranston shoots Bill and Ted repeatedly and they slump to the floor. He removes his mobile phone and makes a call. Bill and Ted’s Telephone box time machine appears in the bathroom and Cranston steps into it.
 
Cranston
 
Wyld Stallions…
 
 
Bill and Ted are groaning in agony on the floor. Cranston shoots them again
 
Cranston
 
Ruled!
 
 
FIN
 

NEW VERSION OF MARY POPPINS ‘NOT RACIST’

 

HOLLYWOOD – Disney have defended their re-release of Mary Poppins after it has emerged that the new version includes lost footage, notably the musical number ‘Send Paddy Back’, which many contest is a blatantly racist ditty.
In a breezy press release, the Mouse House put to rest any accusations of condoning the persecution of minorities by jaunty upbeat musical interludes: 

Disney are proud to announce a special anniversary edition of your favorite musical (about a cunning witch pretending to be a nanny) which includes never seen before content and NEW songs! 

Fans will delight in the new musical number ‘Send Paddy Home’ in which Mary rallies the recently radicalized chimney sweeps of London to defend their jobs against ‘Potato Paddy’ and his chums ‘The Manky Micks’. 

Marvel as Mary and the children Jane and Michael ingest  their special ‘sugar medicine’ and lead the charge against the foul gang of scroungers of London’s underclass in a rabble rousing carnival of melody and psychedelic choreography. 
This groundbreaking new cut also includes an all new character from the original script which could not be released due to the technical constraints of the time. ‘Bulldog Barry’ (played by Andy Serkis) is a half man/half bulldog creature who plays cards in the back alleys and who comes to Mary’s aid in an opium den as she tries to evict the Chinese population from the area during the catchy number ‘Blow Ye East and return Ye Not’

Mary Poppins: Defender of England edition will be released this Christmas.

THE RAID 3: SCRIPT LEAK



INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
The ward is quiet as RAMA recovers in bed. Suddenly hundreds of Japanese Yakuza burst into the ward, killing all the doctors and nurses with hacksaws, and all of the patients with sledge hammers.

YAKUZA

Rama, we are impressed by you come and work for us. Fight for us.

RAMA

I cannot come and work for you. I have had enough of violence.

YAKUZA

What? Come on. You’re not really that violent.

RAMA

Last week I killed a deaf girl with a hammer, I killed another handful just with my car. I even killed a man with his seat belt. And I’m the good guy!

YAKUZA

Okay maybe you are that violent. But anyway that’s why we want you.

RAMA

I will never fight again.

YAKUZA

Very well. ATTACK.

The Yakuza attack. RAMA jumps out of bench and faces his first assailant. PUNCH, PUNCH, KICK, WINDOW SMASH. Second fighter approaches. KICK KICK ARM BREAK NECK TWIST. Five assailants attack simultaneously. KICK KICK PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH BED TOSS PUNCH SMASH FACE PUNCH ELBOW PUNCH KNEE SMASH FACE SMASH EAR TWIST EYE POKE.Sixty seven assailants attack simultaneously. PUNCH (x13) KICK (x20) GIRLY SLAP (x2)EYE POKE (x4) THROAT RIP THORAX PLUNGE SHIN BITE. All the Yakuza are dead, except the leader and his second in command.

RAMA

Now we fight. 

YAKUZA

F*ck this.

YAKUZA shoots RAMA in the head with a gun. 

 
YAKUZA#2

Whoa boss. That was a bit extreme.

THE END.  

RIDLEY SCOTT’S EXODUS SLAMMED BY BOB MARLEY’S FAMILY

 HOLLYWOOD – An early screening of Ridley Scott‘s new film Exodus: Gods and Kings has created a strongly negative reaction from the late Bob Marley’s family.

Continue reading “RIDLEY SCOTT’S EXODUS SLAMMED BY BOB MARLEY’S FAMILY”

NICOLE KIDMAN TO PLAY REBEKAH BROOKS IN ‘ CARRY ON HACKING’

LONDON – Nicole Kidman is to play former News of the World Editor Rebekah Brooks in the latest instalment of the popular Carry On series.

Continue reading “NICOLE KIDMAN TO PLAY REBEKAH BROOKS IN ‘ CARRY ON HACKING’”

CHRISTIAN BALE IS DAREDEVIL

 HOLLYWOOD – News just in that Christian Bale, who turned down an opportunity to reappear in the role of Batman, has opted to take on another superhero role instead: Daredevil.

Continue reading “CHRISTIAN BALE IS DAREDEVIL”

STEVE MARTIN TO STAR IN FATHER OF THE GROOM

HOLLYWOOD – Steve Martin is set to star in the final film of the Father of the Bride trilogy but with a twist: it’s totally GAY! 

Father of the Groom will star Martin as George, whose son falls in love with a marine and wants to marry him – a man! George is disgusted but his hippy wife, played by Diane Keaton, kicks him out and George goes to stay with his friend Reggie (John Goodman) a pastor for the Westboro Baptist Church who thoroughly condones George’s reactionary stance. However, when Martin Short’s horrifically gay wedding organizer turns up at the house to persuade George to reconcile with his gay son, Reggie feels repressed urges arising and suddenly a double wedding looks to be on the cards. 

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