HOLLYWOOD – The Academy has announced next year will see a new Best Cancelled Actor Oscar introduced. The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar award will recognize actors who have gone out of their way to alienate, offend and even abuse while inexplicably remaining in the public eye.
The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar Goes To…
The award will be issued as a farewell gesture to the privileged world that is Hollywood. Therefor the recipient will accept their award with their face pixelated out. Their acceptance speech will be over-dubbed with Give Peace A Chance. And the disgraced actor will shuffle off stage to abject silence.
The recipient will never be seen again in any legitimate mainstream production. Because most likely, they will appear in some right wing, batshit-crazy Baptist church funded production. These films will usually be about angels being real or talking dogs. There is always the option of them creating a YouTube channel. There they can rant about the satanic influence of liberalism and the Covid hoax. Websites are also a good option. They can sell merch to any slack jawed, gun owner who hates themselves enough to empathize with psychopaths. Or they might get a job on Fox News.
There has been great speculation about who will be nominated. So the current front runners are: Kirstie Alley, Jon Voight, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio and Vincent Gallo. Gallo is the bookies’ favorite because bets are no longer being taken on him clutching the award at the end of the evening.
The Golden Asshole
The Academy has also announced a new lifetime achievement award. It’s for actors who despite being obviously vile, mysteriously continued to work. It will be known as The Golden Asshole Award. James Woods and Kevin Spacey will be jointly honored. They will receive statuettes of Harvey Weinstein’s asshole.
The Oscars Takes Place Next March
HOLLYWOOD – Venom and Mad Max star Tom Hardy to Arthur ‘the Fonz’ Fonzarelli in a new Happy Days spin off movie.
‘Sit on it!’ Tom Hardy says as he comes in the room. He’s preparing for the role of a life time, Arthur the Fonz Fonzarelli. Living upstairs with the Cunninghams, Fonz returns in a new big screen outing and Hardy can’t wait.
I loved Happy Days when I was a kid. Monday – Tuesday – Happy Days! Wednesday – Thursday Happy Days! – the week is through there’s nothing to do rocking all night with youuuuuuuuuu!
Yeah, that’s gr…
These are the days ahhh ahhh ah!
Okay right! Enough! So Ron Howard is directing?
Yeah, having Richie Cunningham is going to be really special. We really want to have the old flavor of the original. That’s why the original Fonz Henry Winkler will be returning as my dad. And other cast members are coming back.
Like Scott Baio.
With Scott, it’s complicated. We have to see if Olive Garden will give him the time off.
The Fonz is Back will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump’s former press secretary Sean Spicer will host the 90th edition of the Motion Picture Academy Awards in 2018.
Sean Spicer’s journey from despised turd to semi-ironic despised turd continues. Following his appearance on the Emmys, the Melissa McCarthy lookalike is set to host the 90th Oscars ceremony on March 8, 2018. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Sean was full of beans:
I am sooo excited. There’ll be singing and dancing. I love movies and fame and what not. To tell you the truth when they fired me I thought that’s it for the Spicer. Who is going to want me now? But little did I know that this is America and even when people think you’re a vacuous piece of lying shit, they still want ruffle your hair as long as your rich and famous.
What are you going to do?
I’m going to do that joke about how there are millions watching the show. And then I’m going to say ‘period’ like I did in real life and I was serious. And everyone is going to laugh. It’ll be funny because it’s true. Also, I’d like to do some political humor. I could tell that joke about how Hitler never gassed anybody. Hey, if Billy Crystal and Woody Allen can say ‘Jew this’ and ‘Jew that’, I don’t see why I can’t!
Are you worried about taking on such a big role as a relative amateur?
That’s what we all thought about Donald Trump and now look where we are! Ha ha. No but seriously. If James Franco and Ann Hathaway can do it, I’m sure I’ll be fine.
How does Donald Trump feel about your job?
He’ll appear as a surprise guest! And we’ll all ruffle his hair. It’ll be hilarious. Other guests include Steve Bannon and the Mooch are going to do a tap dancing/ contortionist act. David Duke is doing a skit about diversity. Who know there were that number of different types of blond hair? And Scott Baio and Kid Rock are going to sing ‘Imagine’ while pissing on a picture of Hillary Clinton! But you know, ironically.
The Oscars will be on March 8, 2018.
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump accidentally expelled Scott Baio earlier today.
‘I thought he was an illegal!’ A panicked Donald Trump allegedly yelled at his White House after signing an executive order that expelled Happy Days star Scott Baio.
The kerfuffle came when President Trump’s pen ran out of ink while signing executive orders to stop poor people from using gravity. Sean Spicer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
An exciting moment and President Trump turns to me. And said: ‘We should expel Scott Baio.’ I was taken aback. But I immediately got the Executive Order written up and he signed it. It was only later I was told he had actually said ‘Has anyone got a biro?’ which admittedly doesn’t sound that similar.
The order states that Charles in Charge actor Scott Baio has 12 hours to leave the territory of the United States of America or he will be seized and forcibly removed.
Baio was seen to be hastily gathering his belongings including his 1981 Most Promising Performer TV Award and tearfully waving goodbye to his wife and children, who have elected to stay.
HOLLYWOOD – Today Scott Baio returned home to Obscuristania to a hero’s welcome.
Following his appearance at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, Scott Baio has returned home to a hero’s welcome to his home country of Obscuristania, a small sovereign island nation off the coast of Medicoritia. Jon Voigt welcomed Baio home, along with Kelsey Grammer.
It’s amazing to see on of our own go out there and make a real impact on the world. I love everything Scott has done, from Happy Days to Zapped, but this was probably our proudest moment. Many were saying that he should have his passport cancelled – after all we’re not big on exposure here – but I think it will only be a matter of days before he fits right back in.
Scott Baio has been living in Obscuristania since the early 90s.
Scott Baio won’t be seen next in anything much.
CLEVELAND – Scott Baio – star of Happy Days and Charles in Charge – expressed concern that his career might have been damaged by his endorsement of Donald Trump.
The star and former teenage heart-throb Scott Baio yesterday admitted that he worried that his career had been irrevocably damaged by his speech at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland. He told the Studio Exec:
It’s strange. My phone stopped ringing and the offers have all dried up. I blame it on the liberal bias in Hollywood that has been the bane of my career. I was riding high with my reality show on VH1 and the cameos, and then I spoke about Donald Trump and how I supported him and everything is in tatters. We’ll make America great again. But then I’ll need to make Scott Baio famous again as well.
Similar complaints were heard from the other guy who spoke from the soap opera and that fella from the reality show about duck shooting. Melania Trump was the only speaker who seems to have made a strong impression with her wit and originality. Such a refreshing breath of fresh and change from Michelle Obama.
The Republican National Convention continues.
HOLLYWOOD – Former Happy Days and Charles in Charge star Scott Baio today revealed he was not a racist because of his black friend.
You know him as Charles from Charles in Charge, or perhaps better still as Chachi from Happy Days, maybe you know his extensive pop album catalog or the hilarious comedy Zapped!, but superstar Scott Baio is in trouble following a tweet taking a swing of Michelle Obama. Accusations of racism were quick to follow, but Baio defended the joke and his own political probity and lack of racism with the claim that he has a black friend. Or at least his wife does.
And we can be sure that if she’s a good friend of Mrs Baio, she’ll be a good friend of Scott’s. I wouldn’t presume to bring someone’s wife into an argument, especially not in a disparaging way. It would be a tasteless move. Not classy. Not at all. Because I can see from Scott’s twitter feed how often he brings up his own wife and how loving he is of her, what a great relationship they seem to have. And to attack her to get at him – because of his endorsement of Donald Trump for instance – well, that would just be low. So given that Scott has a black friend and therefore isn’t racist, and is happily married and wouldn’t dream of going after a guy’s wife, just because they don’t see eye to eye in politics, then we can only assume that the tweet was posted by someone else and that Scott will report that person to the FBI.
Unhappy Days will be released by Netflix next month.
HOLLYWOOD – Legendary American actor Scott Baio is to star in a sequel to Helen Mirren’s Oscar winner The Queen. Charles in Charge is set in the near future and sees the onset of a succession crisis, as Prince Charles struggles with his own children, a vicious daughter-in-law and his own unpopularity following the abdication of his mother Queen Elizabeth II.
I’m delighted finally to get a role that will stretch me. I mean, it’s no secret that the phone has stopped ringing and if it wasn’t for the wonderful though sporadic work I pick up on the cruise ships things could really have gone hard for me.
A former Happy Days alumnus is also in action behind the camera, as Ron Howard has replaced Stephen Frears where he’ll be shouting ‘action’ and ‘cut’ in his own inimitable way.
I’m fascinated by the British monarchy as I think all Americans are. And yet there is a moment of great uncertainty approaching. Elizabeth the second has been on the throne now for decades and most young people have never known another ruling monarch. So the future is laden with some real possibilities and as we know from Shakespeare, power struggles of this kind can be fascinating.
Scott Baio continues:
When I first met with Ron to talk about the script, he told me there were two reasons he wanted me. Number one, he believed I had never truly got an opportunity to show the world what a great actor I was. And number two, he thought the joke with the name of an old show I was in and the idea of playing with that was irresistible.
Of the two reasons he gave which one do you thing weighed heaviest?
I’d have to say the second one.
Charles in Charge will be released in 2016.