TOP GUN ATTACK OF THE THETANS ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick, Tom Cruise has announced Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans will go into production this Fall. The surprise announcement came after the world premiere of the fighter jet sequel at Cannes. The Studio Exec caught up with Tom to discuss Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans, which is slated for a summer 2025 release.

Tom, Where Did You Get The Idea For Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans?

I got the idea for another Top Gun movie when we started to see the financial projections for Top Gun: Maverick. It’s gonna make a shit ton of money. It then occurred to me that I love making money and people will pay me money to do just about anything. Well, apart from The Mummy. So I thought, why not make another Top Gun movie. That’ll make even more money, which by the way, I love. If you get enough money, you become rich. Then you can do anything. And I mean anything.

I Meant More Specifically Why Attack Of The Thetans?

Ah, I see what you’re getting at. My apologies. Y’see it’s all well and good having people hurling themselves around the sky in jet fighters. That’s very exciting. But it’s not something your average Joe and Joanna can relate to. So I thought, what about the Thetans? If we can get them involved in the franchise, it will ground it (no pun intended). Everyone can relate to Thetans. The way I pitched it to my terrified studio liaison was Top Gun meets Battlefield Earth meets Independence Day. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie?

Are You Being Serious?

Yeah, of course. You’d have to be insane to not want to see that. Or you’d certainly be on several Hollywood blacklists if you said anything to the contrary. Those blacklists totally don’t exist, by the way. But it is nice to have friends, and family, and a career. Isn’t it, you piece of shit.

I’m Sorry, What Did You Say?

There’s no need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong… yet. But it’s up to you whether you do or not. Just remember, all our actions have consequences. Far reaching, permanent consequences.

I Love The Sound Of This Movie!

I knew you’d see it my way.

Top Gun: Maverick Is Out In Cinemas Later This Week

TOM CRUISE DENIED OVERCOMPENSATING

EXCLUSIVE – In a Studio Exec exclusive interview Tom Cruise denied overcompensating for ANYTHING. We sat down with the Mission Impossible star to talk about the next two movies in the series. It was then Tom Cruise denied overcompensating for anything with his extreme stunts.

Tom Tell Us About Your Next Mission Impossible Movie

You know I can’t tell you anything in any great detail. But what I can guarantee is there will be wild and crazy stunts that would make those Jackass, err Jackasses soil their athletic cups. We’re going bigger, faster and much longer than before.

What Do You Say To People Who Say Tom Cruise Is Overcompensating?

Overcompensating? For what? I’m the biggest movie star in the world. The BIGGEST! You hear me? I say, stick ‘em up, lemme at ‘em. I loved Scrappy-Doo. Anyone who talks shit about him deserves everything they got coming to ‘em.

But All The Rock Climbing, Abseiling, HALO Jumps and Motorbike Stunts, What Does That Say To Anyone?

It says I’m the dominant Thetan on this planet, baby. That Miscavige might think he’s the Daddy, but I’m the Daddy in this manor. Is your antennae receiving this message? I’m OT VIII. I got my certificate framed up on the wall and everything. It’s right next to my Wichita University Of Performing Arts Correspondence Course certificate.

Is It True MI: 7 & 8 Will Be Your Farewell To The Franchise?

Absolutely, it will be. Yes. I mean, it gets kind of ridiculous after a certain age, expecting me to throw myself from buildings and fight people the size of Henry Cavill.

Ha-ha-ha, Yes. It Did Look A Bit Funny When You Were Stood Next To Him.

I meant, it would look ridiculous when I’m in my 70s. But not now. What the f**k are you implying? Why would you say such a thing to me? Let me get my standing-on box, so I can look you in the eye while I tell why that was so rude.

Mission Impossible: 7 Is Due Out In 2023

TOM CRUISE LEAVING SCIENTOLOGY TO BE THE SUBJECT OF MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 6

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise is to try and leave the Church of Scientology for the plot of Mission Impossible 6.

Director Christopher McQuarrie says that Mission Impossible 6 will be the first documentary in the series.

Every time we made a Mission Impossible film, Tom was always frustrated that the films never lived up to the title. The Mission was always possible even though it was called Mission Impossible. So we sat down and talked about what would be really impossible. Which was when David Miscavige telephoned and a light bulb when off in my head. What if we filmed Tom trying to leave the Church of Scientology? Impossible you say? Exactly!

 Employing a skeleton crew, Cruise will go on the run from his handlers early in the New Year and hopes to be classified as a Suppressive Person shortly thereafter. Then it will be his mission to some how stay out despite everything the church can do. McQuarrie says they don’t have a chance:

Tom really believes this stuff so I think we’re in for a really bumpy ride. But at least we’ll live up to the title on the poster for once.

Mission Impossible 6 will be released in 2018.

SCIENTOLOGY U-TURN: ‘WE WANT TO BE A CULT’

HOLLYWOOD – Following Alex Gibney’s documentary Going Clear, Hollywood’s leading exponents of the Church of Scientology have called for the church’s status as a religion to be rescinded and replaced with an official recognition on the part of the federal government as a ‘cult’.

‘It’s a move Scientology has been considering for some time,’ said Giovanni Ribisi. ‘We were looking around at the Catholic church and the Muslims and what not and we thought, jeez, maybe being a cult is sexier!’

 

John Travolta also added his voice to the cause. ‘Nothing much will change,’ said the Looks Who’s Talking 2 star. ‘You still get to believe in crazy shit, but we don’t have to pretend to be normal anymore, which frankly has been a strain.’
However, former Scientologist Paul Haggis believes that the move from religion back to cult will change very little in the organisation. ‘They’ve tried this before,’ said the Crash director. ‘This is an organisation that recruited Charlie Manson as an attempt to improve its PR, for Hubbard’s sake.’
The move is believed to have come following a viewing by church leaders of the Alex Gibney HBO documentary, Going Clear which aired  last Sunday. An anonymous source said:
We all sat and watched the film and when it was over there was this silence. It was eerie and then a voice said from the dark, ‘F*ck it, let’s just be cult.’ And that’s what was decided.
We will keep you up to date as this story develops.

SCIENTOLOGY RENOUNCES JOHN TRAVOLTA.

California – The church of Scientology has today declared that John Travolta’s membership of the religion has been revoked.

“He’s got nothing to do with us”, said chief Scientologist David Miscavige:

I’ve informed all members that they should break contact with Mr Travolta and if they bump into him, they should just look the other way and pretend he’s not there.

A prominent member of the Church who wished to remain nameless said Travolta has had this coming for a while:

He’s just a strange guy and having him around is bad for PR. I mean let’s be honest, Scientology is creepy enough and the last thing it needs is some face-touching weirdo on the books. We’ve talked about making him ‘disappear’ numerous times but he’s too much of a public figure. We can get away with that kind of thing if the person isn’t well known but people would notice he was missing.

Travolta’s reputation has sunk to such depths that even the billion year old soul of the alien spirit currently inhabiting his body has had enough:

F*ck this for a game of soldiers. I’m off to posses Kurt Russell.

NASA CLAIM FACE ON MARS ‘TRICK OF THE LIGHT’

MARSNASA poured cold water over the hot lonely crotches of conspiracy theorists everywhere this week by claiming new images of the Mars surface, which apparently show a mysterious looming obelisk with what appears to be a sinister smiling face depicted on it, are nothing but a trick of the light.

With our newly acquired satellite ‘Deep Peep 3000’ The Studio Exec decided to have a look for ourselves but our results are sadly inconclusive.

For many years Capricorn One viewers have argued that Elvis Presley, the assassin of John F. Kennedy, had not actually died but was living on Mars and shooting a film directed by Stanley Kubrick. The Shining is a key text which reveals in hidden patterns and code the location of Presley and a complete confession of how the Moon landings were faked because NASA in effect missed the Moon and landed on Mars. Watch Danny’s jumper closely.

More recently rumors that Tom Cruise had moved to Mars alongside John Travolta and Giovanni Ribisi were dismissed out of hand by ex-President George Bush who added that he did not bring down the twin towers as part of an intricate plan to do a load of things that nobody wanted to do.

Recent photographs relayed back from Mars have given theorists fresh grist to their mill, but as we can see from the evidence above it is likely that this is merely an optical illusion caused by the Loch Ness monster which was just out of shot.

TOM CRUISE BUYS EASTERN EUROPE

HOLLYWOOD – Following his purchase of Liechtenstein (CLICK HERE for more), Oblivion and Jack Reacher star Tom Cruise has bought the whole of Eastern Europe for the staggering price of $3 million dollars.

A deal was reached on Friday and Tom Cruise is expected to move in later this week, although a source close to the star says Tom would first like to do some renovations and perhaps paint.

Many have criticized the Rain Man – as he prefers to be called even though technically Dustin Hoffman… well it doesn’t matter – for an extravagant disregard for other people and the sovereignty of nations. Angela Merkel – the German Chancellor – said that this was not the solution to Europe’s problems.

We’re doing very well at the moment and we don’t need another charismatic little man bossing everyone around. After all, well, you know.

Europe watcher and property expert Willem Dafoe complemented his fellow actor on his astute purchase:

Tom moved in at exactly the right time. The market is at an all time low, basically it’s a fire sale. And to pick up all these countries – Hungary, the Baltic states, Ukraine, Slovakia etc – for such a price is a canny steal. 

What will he do with it?

Oh, he’ll flip it. He’ll do some quick work. Spruce it up and then sell it on and make a big profit.

Others, however, argue that Cruise has his eye on world domination. Already Scientology has been made the state religion throughout Liechtenstein and eastern Europe and new regulations have muzzled the freedom of the press, forcing them to say that Jack Reacher was exciting and Oblivion profound.

TOM CRUISE RENOUNCES SCIENTOLOGY

CALIFORNIA – Tom Cruise is no longer a scientologist. 

In a shock move Tom Cruise has today renounced Scientology. He called upon the religion’s leader David Miscavige to return his immortal soul. “He has it in a safe in a Swiss bank and I want it back!” said an accusatory Cruise. Tom claims his soul was extracted from his body in the late 80s during the churches infamous auditing process.

It was the wrap party on Born on The Fourth of July and Oliver Stone slipped me a pill. He told me it would change my life. Next thing I know I’m strapped to a chair and there’re these naked people wearing face masks and goat leggings dancing around me. I could tell one of them was John Travolta because he was doing all the Saturday Night Fever moves. Then some Indian guy puts his hand over my heart and starts chanting ‘Hum Num Shavai’, you know like in Temple of Doom? That’s the last thing I remember until the other night when a hard copy of Dianetics fell from the top shelf of my library and knocked me unconscious. When I finally came around, my memory returned so I checked on the internet to see what I’d been doing for the last 25 years.

Madness

Cruise went on to say that he was crushed by his web search:
Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me I’d gone bat shit crazy? I’ve been jumping on sofas and making mad statements. I mean sure the first Mission Impossible was great but FOUR sequels? I could have played Hamlet god damn it! As for Knight and Day and Oblivion. Back before those freaks took my soul I’d have pissed on those scripts and lit a match. Hopefully it’s not too late to repair the damage I’ve done to my career.
Asked what his upcoming plans were Cruise said he had a full slate.
Well there’s Top Gun 2, Cocktail 2, the Color of Money 2, Rain Man 2, Taps 2, Risky Business 2, All the Right Moves 2, The Outsiders 2 and Born on the 5thof July.  But first I’m off around to Oliver Stone’s house to punch him in face and call him a c*cksucker. 

Tom Cruise will be in 2025. 

WILL SMITH: I’M NOT DEAD

HOLLYWOOD – Former charismatic actor Will Smith held a press conference this morning in Los Angeles denying the recent Twitter rumors that he had disappeared up his own ass and starved to death. ‘As you can all see, rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated,’ said a ruffled looking Smith:

“I’ll admit that it was a close call. I’d been stuck up my own ass for well over a decade and it was a pretty harrowing experience but I managed to survive on nuts, berries and natural spring water.”

Smith went on to say that he decided to venture into his own ass just to “see what is was like up there” but he soon realized that once he was in, it was difficult to get back out again.

“Once you’re up there, there just isn’t enough room to turn round and after a while I just gave up. I would have died of boredom a long time ago but thankfully I found of copy of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics and after studying the book for years it gave me the tools I needed to excrete myself.”

Asked if he had been changed by the experience, Smith sighed. 

“When I went in I was a lovable wise-cracking guy who everyone liked and now I’m kind of a shadow of my former self but I’m on the mend. I went to a group meeting the other day of actors who have survived living up their own ass and their stories are so inspirational. Jack Nicholson told me that Dennis Hopper had lived up his own ass for so long he’d raised a family in there.”

Smith said his next step on the road to recovery is to found a charity to raise awareness for those in Hollywood still deep in their own asses.

“These people need help. I mean, Sean Penn has been up his own ass for well over 30 years and there are those who think he’ll never find his way out but we must not give up hope that one day we’ll hear a plop and he’ll just slide on out.”

TOM CRUISE TURNS INTO A PILLAR OF FIRE

LOS ANGELES – Star of Eyes Wide Shut and Cocktail, diminutive Scientologist and actor Tom Cruise recently wowed fans and amazed reporters by turning into a pillar of fire.

The transformation took place during the Hollywood premiere of his new film Oblivion. Accompanied by co-stars Morgan Freeman and Andrea Riseborough, Cruise appeared looking smart and refreshed in a grey polo neck and jacket. He was signing autographs and posing for photographers when he turned into the pillar of fire and levitated above the red carpet for several minutes before returning to his human form, leaving a burnt brown track mark on the carpet.

‘The fire was pumpkin orange and reached up to my waist,’ one astonished onlooker told the Hollywood Reporter, who for reasons of corporate cowardice decided not to report the story. Joseph Kosinski told the Studio Exec exclusively that his star had been practicing the effect for days:

Shortly beforehand

Tom is a very private man, so I’m not sure how much his turning into a pillar of fire has to do with Scientology, but I am sure that he is 100% committed and sincere about everything he does, including our film, which despite the efforts of assholes like you is still making a lot of money.

 However, some of Cruise’s critics including the president of the Anti-Tom Cruise Guild (AKA Cruise Control), Peter Sand said:

To call it a pillar would be a gross exaggeration. It was a coffee table of fire. And he managed to sustain that pitiful display for literally six minutes, not the several minutes some places have reported. 

Oblivion is a film. Read our review HERE.

KIRSTIE ALLEY HAS ALLEY NAMED AFTER HER

SALINAS – Scientologist and ‘star’ of Cheers, Look Who’s Talking 2 and Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley was honored today at a small civic ceremony in Salinas, California where a narrow road between a disused cinema and a 7-11 was dedicated to the comedienne.


An emotional Ms. Alley commented:

Is this some kind of joke? This is ridiculous. I was told I was being honored with the key of the town or something. You Goddam assholes! I’m gonna rip you all a new one. Get out of my way!

Stopping only to fire her PA and punch Salinas major, Joe Gunter in the crotch sack, Alley then leapt into her car and sped off, leaving the small crowd that had gathered to shrug and mutter about knowing that was going to happen and what are you going to expect.

The Kirstie Alley joins the town historic center which includes a 21 Jump Street and a Chinatown in honor of other Hollywood greats.