VARIETY: BRUCE WILLIS IS THE TOO-EST OLD FOR THIS SHIT

HOLLYWOOD – In a poll commissioned by Variety Bruce Willis has been judge the most ‘Too Old For This Shit’ of 2013, beating off strong competition from Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and (surprise entry) Daniel Craig. Willis, who – in a Good Day to Die Hard (a film title which is exactly one word too long) – was consistently grumpy and weird and obviously doing most of his stunts on a stair lift, commented on the result, saying he was happy because it was Wednesday, a Wednesday they got a treat from the fruit box.

Hollywood has been desperately trying to resurrect 1987 with scant success. Self-deprecation has led straight to awkward embarrassment via Johnny Knoxville. The grandfather brigade is being quickly followed by middle-aging action stars such as Liam Neeson, who has to pause between flights of stairs, and even 007 finds himself wheezing when giving chase, not to mention Batman’s dodgy knees.

Willis wins a bus pass and a selection basket of hair products.

Who do you think is ‘too old for this shit’? Vote in our poll. After all Variety just make this stuff up, so no one can actually trust them.

STUDIO USES TIME MACHINE FOR 2013 RELEASES

Studio Exec learned today that the heads of the major studios have been toying with forces more powerful than any man control, namely time travel. It was a almost midnight at the parking lot when the souped up Delorean was wheeled out. A script scout was given the thumbs up and off he went to somewhere int he mid-eighties. He would return what seemed like seconds later but for him had been little over a month and with him he had a script for Die Hard 5, starring Bruce Willis; a development deal for Bullet in the Head directed by Walter Hill and starring Sylvester Stallone; and even a movie about an old sheriff called The Last Stand, and ‘starring’ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
‘Admittedly, it’s an unconventional way of getting product,’ said one of the studio chiefs, sheepishly. ‘But do you know how hard it is to think of new ideas. I mean, it literally hurts.’
News comes after Disney CEO Bill Iger announced the studio’s intention of limiting creative ideas to an absolute minimum. ‘We chose JJJJ Abrams because we thought the less people involved in these films the better. We want everything to be the same and nothing to be truly original or decent.’
What do you think of the eighties revival? Ghostbusters 3 or a load of old Goonies? Feel free to leave comments.

VIAGRA PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN THE LAST STAND DELETED

 

Over-compensating

HOLLYWOOD – Arnold Schwarznegger’s new film The Last Stand features the veteran action star and former governator trying to stop a criminal escaping South of the border.

However, Johnny Knoxville – Arnie’s ‘comedy’ co-star – revealed it wasn’t the only thing in danger of going South in the original 3 hour cut. ‘Arnie had some financial difficulties going into the film and he’d made a deal with Viagra,’ says the Jackass as he prefers to be known. ‘Every scene he’d add a line about how hard he was and he was a little stiff and then he’d pull out a packet of Viagra and casually wave it at the camera.’
Jee-Woo Kim – who makes his first English language feature – confirmed: ‘I don’t know if it was financial, like product placement so much as he just seemed to have a lot of these packets of pills in his pockets and sometimes they’d inadvertently come out. And he’d improvise lines to cover it up.’
 Mr. Schwarzenegger has made no secrets of his passion for constant sex since abandoning his political career, recently promising to do everyone who wanted to be done in San Deigo (for more on that story CLICK HERE). Recent promotional material shows that the original title of the film was The Last and Surprisingly Long Stand, which does suggest the influence of the popular penile dysfunction medicine.