Scarlett Johansson Archives -

DISNEY AUTO SALES OPENS

With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.

Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices

The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”

Marvel-lous Car Prices

“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”

Mickey’s Big Day In Court

With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.

DORFF DENIES MCU REJECTION

HOLLYWOOD: In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Stephen Dorff denies MCU rejection after slating the upcoming Black Widow movie by Marvel.

Stephen, thank you for agreeing to talk with us:

Yeah well, everyone wants a piece of Dorff now, don’t they. I say one little thing about Marvel movies and you all come running.

It was quite inflammatory, in all fairness. You certainly didn’t hold back:

Why should I? There’s no quality in mainstream cinema anymore. Fucking Marvel. They’re a bunch of assholes. I went to them with my Blade spin-off idea and they fucking laughed at me. I wanted to do a stop motion animated kids series all about Deacon Frost. He was my character in Blade, not that anyone gives a shit. But even if they said yes, I would’ve turned them down. Assholes.

Would you say you’re bitter about that:

No. I don’t even care nor nuffin. Scarlett is a great actress but she’s wasting her time making millions upon millions and pleasing all those people with that baseless crap. She should be doing what I’m doing. Out there, on the edge. I’m on that artistic razor blade man. I’m busting a gut, day and night trying to make quality movies. Real art, ya dig?

Such as:

Um, I was in Albion: The Enchanted Stallion, Space Truckers umm… oh yeah, and I was in True Detective.

Yeah, but not the good season with Woody and Matthew:

Aw, why’d you have say that. Ya couldn’t just let me have that, could you. You’re all the fucking same. I wasn’t in that second season. That was a real piece of shit, whereas my season was a little better than just shit. It was mediocre. That’s ok isn’t it? Mediocre is a pass. C-grade average kinda stuff. I’m sorry, I’m not crying, I just have some dust in my eyes.

Steven Dorff denies MCU rejection and will soon be starring in a straight to budget streaming service with his next project.

MARRIAGE STORY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT A DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – Critics brand Noah Baumbach’s new film Marriage Story a lie.

Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson new film Marriage Story came under fire today, following the revelation that it was actually about a divorce. Xavier Poulis of the French cultural magazine Chapeau told the Studio Exec:

Why can’t they simply call it Divorce Story? It is about a divorce. The whole film, they are divorcing. And yet, Marriage Story! It’s like Noah Baumbach wants to take a huge great big shit on the English language.

It is true that much of the film concerns itself with a couple in the midst of an increasingly messy divorce. Some are finding the experience of watching the film emotionally traumatizing. One viewer we spoke to had this to say:

I wanted to go to watch a film on Netflix to make me forget about my messy divorce. In particular one very long row where I ended up punching a hole in the wall. I wanted to escape to happier times when we were first married. So I chose Marriage Story because it promised to be a portrait of a couple who are married, being married and staying married. Imagine my shock and disappointment. Not only was there barely any marriage, we had to watch all this divorce all over the place. Including a scene where Adam Driver punches a wall following a very long argument. There should be some sort of warning.

In fact a campaign to rename Marriage Story Divorce Story is currently trending on Twitter via the hash tag #RenameMarriageStoryDivorceStory

Marriage Story is on Netflix.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO STAR IN THAI CAVE RESCUE DRAMA

HOLLYWOOD – Scarlett Johansson will star in a dramatic reconstruction of the rescue operation that saved 12 Thai children trapped underground in a cave.

Rupert Sanders signed on to direct Wild Boars, the film reconstruction that will portray the dramatic events of recent days that saw 12 boys rescued from an underground cave. The world followed with baited breath as the fates of the children were decided by a heroic rescue operation. Scarlett Johansson came in to talk about her new role.

I’ve been inspired by Norbit, the Eddie Murphy movie. I like all those films in which an actor takes on more than one role. Think of Peter Sellers in Dr Strangelove for instance. So I’ve decided to play multiple roles in this story, which will really show my versatility so that people don’t just think I’m that trans actor.

So you’re not actually going to play the Thai boys, are you?

No of course not. That would be grossly offensive.

Thank God!

I’m going to play the Thai boys and their football coach.

Oh sweet Jesus.

This way I can really get into other realities. And anyone who has a problem with it can address their letters to Yul Brynner and Ben Kingsely.

That makes no sense.

I know.

Out of the Cave is out in 2020.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO REPLACE JEFFREY TAMBOR IN TRANSPARENT

HOLLYWOOD – Scarlett Johansson will replace Jeffrey Tambor in the new season of Transparent.

Versatile chameleon-like actress Scarlett Johansson is to play Maura Pfefferman, the role originated by Jeffrey Tambor in the next season of Transparent. Johansson popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow yesterday to talk about the new challenge:

I’ve done Asian. I’m now doing Trans. So what? You got a problem Exec, take it up with Emma fucking Stone.

Whoa! Hold your horses, Black Widow!

Yeah. And when I do the Black Widow movie, you know what we’re going to discover?

Black Widow’s actually black?

Damned right. How did you know?

A guess. So Transparent…

Yeah, I loved the series and Jeffrey’s work. But then the unfortunate accusations happened and he had to go away. Christopher Plummer is busy shooting Roseanne so I decided to step in. I’m already making a trans movie with Rub & Tug, so I reckon I’m as qualified as anyone else to play the part.

What about asking a trans actor to play the role?

Yeah, and we should get Abraham Lincoln to play Abraham Lincoln. Pur-lease!

Transparent is out in the Fall.

AVENGERS INFINITY WAR: SPOILER FREE REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Avengers: Infinity War is here.

And so here is our SPOILER FREE review. 100% SPOILER FREE. Go Ahead and read on. Because there are no SPOILERS. If you want SPOILERS go elsewhere because you ain’t getting them here buddy.

Continue reading “AVENGERS INFINITY WAR: SPOILER FREE REVIEW”

JJ ABRAMS TO REMAKE JAPAN

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams is to remake Japan, the country.

Star Trek, Force Awakens and Lost director JJ Abrams announced his project to remake the country of Japan.

It is going to be phenomenal. We’re going to take the whole country and repopulate it with Emma Stone, Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum.

The news came soon after the announcement of Abrams’ other project: a live action remake of Anime Your Name. With concerns about white washing Asian characters still very much alive the Studio Exec asked Abrams how he would address concerns:

Oh yeah. We’ve thought about that. You see Japan as it exists today is full of Asian people because of where it is. But we’re going to remake it just off the coast of San Francisco and so that problem just goes away. The story of Japan is just so universal. We don’t need to worry about this or that cultural norm because isn’t everything really about white people anyway?

Japan will be available in the Pacific Ocean from January.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO STAR IN UNITED 2017

HOLLYWOOD – Scarlett Johansson is in talks to play Dr. David Dao in a new film United 2017.

Ghost in the Shell star Scarlett Johansson has signed on to play Chinese American doctor David Dao in a new film about the incident, when he was forcibly bumped from his flight. Johansson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I worried about playing Dr. Dao at first. After all he’s not Japanese, he’s Chinese American. And I’m really more about playing Japanese people. This will be a challenge for me. But then again this is why we’re in this game.

What will the film show?

The drama. In a word. What is happening here is symptomatic of our whole country. It will be violent and disturbing. People say there’s no script but then again I was in We Bought a Zoo so what do I know?

News of the casting has drawn outrage. The Association for Asian Actors and Artists (or the AAAA) said: ‘But she’s Japanese! Conflating Japanese and Chinese American is really racist.’

United 2017 will be released in 2017.

REVIEW – GHOST IN THE SHELL

REVIEW – GHOST IN THE SHELL – The Black Widow is turned into an occasionally invisible robot, but does the classic Manga get Lost in Translation?

Rupert Sanders’ adaptation of Ghost in the Shell has a difficult task to pull off. The 1995 anime version of Masamune Shirow manga series was an iconic masterpiece. Scarlett Johansson’s casting didn’t help matters, seen by the Asian acting community as yet another peach of a role going to a white actor. Although in this case it’s probably more excusable than Tilda Swinton’s turn in Doctor Strange. Okay. All that to one side, what’s the film like?

I liked it. Visually Sanders takes many cues from the Anime and it looks beautiful. Johansson channels her inner alien and pulls off a companion role to Under the Skin – which would make a great double bill. The city is a mish mash of downtown Tokyo and backstreet Third World. Kitano Beat Takeshi has a great role in it as well. I could watch him just eating his breakfast, but I prefer watching him offing people. In the end, Ghost in the Shell never reaches the escape velocity to get out of the gravity of its own source material nor do I think it will succeed in setting up a franchise. However, it’s stylish and witty sci-fi, and that’s good enough for me.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON ‘NOT JAPANESE’

HOLLYWOOD – Ghost in the Shell and Lost in Translation star Scarlett Johansson is not actually Japanese, we learned today.

Shocking news hit the internet that Scarlettt Johansson – star of Ghost in the Shell – is not in fact Japanese. Internet Sleuth Abercromby Mitch told the Studio Exec:

The first thing I did was look at the name. It doesn’t look very Japanese if you ask me. Norwegian and like Old Southy is more likely. Then I sleuthed my way over to the Wikipedia page and I found this little nugget buried under the deceptively simple looking subheading ‘Early Life’. And I quote:

Scarlett Johansson was born in Manhattan.^[5] Her father, Karsten Johansson, is an architect originally from Copenhagen, Denmark,^[6] and her paternal grandfather, Ejner Johansson, was an art historian, screenwriter, and director. Her mother, Melanie Sloan, a producer, comes from an Ashkenazi Jewish family from the Bronx.

So you see. Not Japanese at all.

Rupert Sanders reacted to the news with dismay:

I thought she was Japanese. I mean Lost in Translation was set in Tokyo right. And I think that’s in Japan.

A spokesperson for the Media Action Network for Asian Americans (MANAA) – who had been critical of the casting of Johansson in the role of Motoku Kusanagi – had this to say:

Well, yeah, that’s what we were… Haven’t you been paying attention?

Ghost in the Shell is in Theatres.

JACK REACHER 3 WILL FEATURE JASON BOURNE

HOLLYWOOD – First look at the final film in the Jack Reacher trilogy with a surprise franchise crossover.

Tom Cruise today released the first poster for Jack Reacher 3, which debuted an older looking Jason Bourne. Cruise spoke briefly with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We decided to go in a totally new direction with Reacher in order to close off the trilogy. We’re taking Wanted Man, the novel by Lee Child but we’re adapting it quite freely. Jack has become tired of the wandering life and has bought a farm along with Jason Bourne and the chick from Lucy. What was her name? Anyway, they get into all sorts of hilarious japes with the animals, especially Tony the flatulent giraffe. Then of course some Ukrainian gangsters show up. I don’t want to spoil it so I’ll leave it there. But I think this will be a great way of closing the chapter on Jack Reacher.

That’s amazing!

I’m so excited to try comedy. I don’t think I’ve ever done it.

You had a cameo in Tropic Thunder.

Was that me?

Jack Reacher Buys a Zoo will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON EARNS MORE THAN $100 A DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Avengers star Scarlett Johansson makes more than a $100 a day, the Studio Exec has learned.

The blockbusting star Scarlett Johansson earns more than $100 a day and perhaps substantially more, according to reports. Having made two successful movies this year, The Jungle Book and Captain America: Civil War Johansson has seen her income, which was already high, rise considerably.

Our resident accountant Xavier Poulis reports:

Scarlett Johansson is the highest earning female star ever and although I don’t have the exact figures, it’s definitely more than $100 a day, or a minute, one of the two. She definitely got enough money to buy herself a car and probably a house, though she might need a mortgage. She should have no problem getting one. If she walks into a shop and sees something she likes, chances are she can just buy it without having to worry about it. A round of drinks or treating someone to lunch at an inexpensive cafe shouldn’t be a problem though she’ll probably not want to be too ostentatious as that will just encourage hangers on.

Other stars like George Clooney, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt also earn about $1000 plus a week.

MAX LANDIS EXPLAINS WHITEWASHING: ‘RACISM IS THE NEW BLACK’

HOLLYWOOD – In an attempt to explain the recent spate of whitewashing, film screenwriter Max Landis argued that ‘racism was the new black’ and that everyone should ‘just get over it.’

Speaking on a YouTube clip, Max Landis writer of Chronicle and American Ultra addressed the criticism of the casting of white actors in non-white roles, such as Scarlett Johansson in Ghost in the Shell and Tilda Swinton in Kung Fu and Doctor Strange. Landis spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec via the YouTube video:

People are upset and they’re blaming everyone, but those people do not understand how this industry works and I know this is going to sound like mansplaining or white ‘splaining or whatever but I feel that it has to be said. Today if you want a big budget movie to have any chance of making back its money you need a white person or Will Smith to star in it. Maybe two white people maybe more. Because simply, Hollywood is racist and I’m not talking about a few bad apples, I mean the whole industry. But look so are the audiences. China is so racist it doesn’t even know what the word racism means. It just thinks that its racism is factual. Europe is racist. Africa is racist central. There was a time that racism was a white thing but now everyone is racism. It’s basically the new black.

Following the release of Max Landis’ video, everyone agreed with what he said and then started talking about Game of Thrones.

Max Landis is currently working on a musical version of Roots starring Justin Bieber.

FIRST LOOK AT MICKEY ROONEY IN GHOST IN THE SHELL

HOLLYWOOD – The first image of Scarlett Johansson’s co-star Mickey Rooney in Ghost in the Shell remake has caused a stir on the internets.

When news first came in that Scarlett Johansson was being cast as Major Motoko Kusanagi in the new Paramount/Dreamworks remake of Anime classic Ghost in the Shell, there were legitimate concerns that Hollywood was once more glibly whitewashing Asian characters. And so the further news that Mickey Rooney has been cast to play Johansson’s father will no doubt add fuel to the controversy. In a statement issued today a Paramount senior executive responded to criticisms that had appeared in the media and on comment boards everywhere:

What?

This was not enough for Xavier Poulis, long standing critic of whitewashing:

Mickey Rooney is not only a white man playing an Asian character, he also has a history of playing racist stereotypes. It doesn’t help matters that he also died two years ago. So we now also have a case that not only are white actors playing roles that should be going to ethnically diverse groups, but that even a dead white actor has more chance of being cast than an alive Asian one.